


First Order of Business

by DangerTaylor



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Adam Driver - Freeform, Adam Sackler - Freeform, Age Adjustment, Alternate Universe, Cancer, Ethics, Flashbacks, Foster Care, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Military, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rey Kenobi, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-21
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-06-30 18:27:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 29
Words: 104,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15757284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerTaylor/pseuds/DangerTaylor
Summary: AU Reylo Fic - Rey had a rough start in life but decided to make the most of it and make something of herself. Now she has everything she could ever want, a great career, a cute West Village apartment, a boyfriend that might be the one, and a group of wonderful friends. But after a botched dinner and a girls night out, her life has been turned upside down.





	1. Don't Say

**AN : So I have been reading a lot of AU Reylo fics and have been loving them. This idea just popped into my head the other day and I had to get it out! Make sure to hit the alerts to know when I post new chapters and I would love to hear your feedback and thoughts!**

* * *

**Don't Say**

Rey walked into her sixth floor apartment and threw the garment bag over the chair by the door. Her briefcase and the paper shopping bag from the boutique down on 5th followed onto the antique hardwood floors. She slipped out of her black pumps and sighed with relief.

She couldn't believe that she had just spent that much on shoes, she could have fed a small desert village with the amount of digits on the price tag, but this was for a special occasion. It was her two year anniversary tomorrow night.

Brent and Rey had literally run into each other in the park a few years back. They had both been out jogging and when a biker had buzzed Rey on the path and she had to jump out of the way, into the strong arms of Brent. The rest was history.

A package had arrived for her that day and she ran back down to the lobby to retrieve it from the storeroom that larger mail was placed in. When she was back in her apartment, Rey removed the smooth leather case and inspected the engraved plate, B. Bate.

Brent worked in the financial district and he usually toted around a canvas satchel, but Rey was excited to gift him with the camel colored leather briefcase.

The gift that she was expecting made her both excited and nervous. One of her good friends and her secretary at work, Finn had spotted Brent in a jewelry store a few weeks ago.

She had thought about marriage and they had been together the appropriate amount of time. They had talked about moving in together in the upcoming months when her lease was up. He was good to her and they had fun when they were together, but still a part of her was wanting more. Perhaps when they lived together, when they were engaged…she squealed to herself at the thought…he would show her what was missing.

Hanging the garment bag in her room, she slipped on the the nude Giuseppe Zanotti heels and spun in front of the full length mirror. She decided to wear the shoes for the rest of the night to break them in so they wouldn't give her blisters the next night.

She felt ridiculous in an old tattered college football t-shirt and her expensive heels, but she turned on some music and danced around her kitchen as she made a quick dinner for herself.

Her apartment wasn't large by any means, but it also wasn't the broom closet that she had rented when she first moved to the city. Rey had moved to New York after finishing law school in Florida. She had spent six months living off what little she saved while working in the old college town and used that time to study New York state laws before sitting her Bar exam.

Of course she had passed on the first try. She had worked for everything in her life and second best was not an option for her. So the eight hundred square foot, one bedroom apartment, that was thankfully not a walkup, had been her home for the last year.

She didn't talk about her past much, not that she was embarrassed by it, but it often made people treat her differently.

Rey had been raised in foster care in Florida for most of her life. She was young when she entered foster care, but emotional and slightly damaged, she was looked over time and time again for adoption. But she was lucky to stay with one family for most of her childhood.

The family was military, but her foster dad, Obi, retired shortly after Rey came to them. Her foster mom, Millie was British and Rey mused that even though she had been born in the states, she had picked up on the posh accent.

She would often lie and tell people that she was from England, making up grand stories about her family and how she was just a foreign exchange student. No one really knew that her parents had thrown her away when she was just a toddler.

But not ever wanting to be guided by her past, Rey competed high school, used the grants and scholarships for foster kids to compete her four year degree. Then using the sad and inspiring tale of her life, she was accepted in to the Juris Doctor Law Program and excelled.

On her eighteenth birthday, with her foster family's blessing she changed her last name to that of the only people she had known as parents. They later explained that if they had adopted her as a child, that she would forfeit any state benefits including assistance with college.

She had been hurt but later understood their reasoning. She was just thankful to still have a family to go home to on the holidays.

Now, three years into her law career she was being looked at to be made partner at Almec, Ralter, and Nudo. She had her own corner office, a secretary, Finn, and a junior attorney Rose.

Rose had just been starting the Law program during Rey's last year and she has been paired to mentor the new law student. Once Rose graduated, Rey recommended her for the job and they make an incredible team.

Being a divorce attorney wasn't always her dream, far from it and being a hopeless romantic didn't help, but she was good at it and it afforded her time and resources to do pro-bono work. She mainly acted on behalf of children in the foster system or tried child neglect cases.

That night she hardly slept. She thought about her past and how far she had come. She thought about her future. She thought about Brent and the life that she had with him. She fell into a fitful sleep around three in the morning.

Rey was thankful that she didn't have any cases to preside over that day, but continued to prepare for the mediation hearing that she had scheduled for Monday morning. Her client was what she would describe as a pampered brat, but those were also usually the ones who could pay her hefty fees.

Looking over the file Rey couldn't pinpoint why the spoiled woman who hales from Connecticut and comes from a good family would have married the soon to be ex-husband. There was nothing extraordinary about his assets or his holdings. Nearly not enough to draw in what they deemed to be a Park Ave Princess.

Her client reported that after six years of marriage she wanted out because her husband didn't have time for her. She had seen couples divorce for less and was ready to be rid of the demanding woman. She giggled to herself, at times she felt sorry for the men who she would rake through the coals, because her clients could be extremely hard to manage and she only had to deal with them for a few weeks.

This made her think of her own future. If Brent was going to propose tonight, she had practiced how she would reply. Her job had made her at times jaded about married, but that was before her own was on the horizon.

"Tonight the big night?" Finn asked as he rolled the phone over to voicemail for the weekend.

Rey inhaled nervously, "I think so. He has been acting strange…secretive for the past few weeks."

"It's going to happen," Rose cut in. "With how he has been acting and also the fact that Finn saw him at Greenwich…"

"I just never thought this would happen." Rey was strong and independent, but within her still resided the insecure child that was cast aside and not even good enough for her parents.

Finn placed his Coach messenger bag over his shoulder and finished shutting down his computer, "Honey, you are smart and beautiful…the total package. He would be an idiot to not want to lock this down." He waved his hand in front of her body.

Rey blushed. Finn was a good friend, her best friend, and they would have been good together if it wasn't for the fact that he preferred partners of the same sex.

"Call me tomorrow and tell me all about it because we both know you will be busy tonight," Rose laughed and winked at Rey.

Her cheeks flamed again as she waved them off and walked towards the elevator bank.

She caught a cab and made it home in record time. The next two hours were spent scrubbing, shaving, moisturizing, and primping every inch of her body. She created a natural makeup look before zipping up her emerald green body contouring halter dress.

Their reservation was for seven at the exclusive restaurant, Maz's. Rey had been able to get the table by helping the owner get custody of her granddaughter who was in a bad situation.

Brent was waiting outside of the restaurant under a large black umbrella when Rey's cab had pulled up. He ran out to the cab and shielder her from the unusual spring rain. Once they were under the awning at the entrance of the restaurant and Brent had closed and shook out the umbrella, he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek, "You look amazing."

Rey took in his gray suit, white shirt, and navy blue tie. It was the one that she had given to him for his birthday a few months ago.

"Here, let me take that for you," he reached for the white box under her arm.

"Happy anniversary," Rey said handing over the box and placing a searing but not publicly offensive kiss upon his lips.

Brent returned her kiss but broke away when another couple went for the door. He tucked the package under his arm and then held the door open for her.

"Rey, darling!" Came the shrill voice of one of the smallest women that Rey had ever seen.

Maz, the owner of one of the most coveted restaurants in the city was pushing seventy, but could make the strongest of men comply with her every whim. Which was most likely why she was married to someone half her age.

Rey approached and crouched down to embrace the owner. "How is Lynn?"

"She is lovely, but not as lovely as you are tonight." Maz motioned with her hand and Rey felt inclined to spin. "And this must be your beau…" her gaze fell to the tall man with sandy blond hair.

"Brent Bate, ma'am," he answered politely and held out his hand. "I have heard a lot about you from Rey."

"Don't believe a word of it," Maz said and winked at Brent.

They all laughed and Maz moved to the desk that looked like it came off of a pirate ship. "Seat them at table 66 please," she barked at the hostess.

"Of course," the blond woman replied and collected two leather bound menus. "Right this way."

Rey looked back at Brent and they wove their way through the restaurant to a table set for two that over looked a small court yard that was blooming with climbing roses and a small fountain was lit in the darkening city sky.

"This is perfect," Rey said with a gasp.

Brent helped her with her seat and the menus were laid before them. "Reeve will be around shortly," the hostess said and then disappeared.

Having a moment to look around, Rey felt the atmosphere was romantic and just what they needed to celebrate their two amazing years together. The walls of the restaurant were covered in brick and stone. Exposed beams that looked like they were over a hundred years old criss crossed the ceiling and ornate chandeliers hung in a sporadic but pleasing way, bathing the area in warm light.

A well dressed man with a gold name plate that read Reeve came around to their table, filling their water glasses and then held out a bottle of wine, "Complements of the owner," he said shortly.

Rey read the label and almost cringed that she now knew the different between a $30 bottle of wine and one that cost ten times that. She nodded her head and watched Reeve uncork and pour the blood red liquid.

Brent swirled the wine and smelled it before taking a sip. He had seen it done a million times in movies and restaurants. He nodded his head to the waiter in approval. Only then did Rey take a sip of her wine. It's flavor was rich and full.

They made idle chatter over their meal. He had a steak and she had the cod. When their plates had been cleared and they had ordered dessert, Rey pulled the white box from under the table and handed to Brent.

"Happy anniversary, BB." Rey used her nickname for him as she coyly smiled.

He pulled the navy blue ribbon off of the box and lifted the lid. "Rey…" his tone was almost pained, "This is too much." He ran his hands over the cool smooth leather and the engaged plate.

"You deserve it," Rey interjected. "You work so hard. I know you have been pulling a lot of late nights and I'm sure upper management has noticed. You will need a new briefcase for when they offer you that promotion."

His eyebrows came together and he looked up into her hopeful eyes. "I'll be right back. I want to order some champagne to go along with dessert." He gave her a half smile before walking towards the back of the restaurant.

Rey nodded and then almost bounced in her seat. A ring in a champagne glass was a little cliche but she would take it.

Her attention was drawn away by the buzzing of a phone. She checked her clutch and it wasn't her's. The buzzing went off again and she picked up Brent's discarded napkin to see that his phone was going off.

It was face down on the table and kept buzzing either with back to back calls or text messages. She looked around and still no sign of Brent and other tables were looking at her for interrupting their dinners.

Making a quick decision, Rey reached across the table and picked up the phone. She typed in his passcode, having known it over for a year and saw that he had received seven text messages.

Tapping the icon she saw that they were coming from Brent's assistant Trixie. Against her better judgement she opened the messages and her eyes went wide.

_I miss you._

_Have you told her yet?_

_I can't wait to see you tonight._

_I got a little gift for you._

There was a close up picture of a bow tied in the blond's hair and then a full body shot of the woman in a skimpy lace bodysuit.

The last text made Rey want to bring up the forty dollar meal she had just enjoyed.

_Cum unwrap me._

Brent was walking back up now, Reeve in tow with a bottle of Dom. He sat back down and smiled.

"Your phone was going off," Rey said as she handed the phone to him. She didn't even try to hide the fact that she had seen the messages.

She watched his face, the color drained and his eyes went large as he read through the messages. By the time he looked back up at her she had tears in her eyes about to spill but she wouldn't give him the satisfaction.

"Tell me this is a mistake and she was texting the wrong person…" Rey started.

"Rey…"

"Tell me that you aren't cheating on me with your assistant." She wanted to yell but her voice just came out in a hiss.

Reeve who had been standing there the entire time expressed a grimace before turning away from the table.

"Rey, I wanted to tell you before…"

"Before what? Before we celebrated our anniversary? Before we moved in together? Before we got engaged?"

"Engaged?" Brent questioned.

"Finn saw you at the jewelry store. I can't believe you were going to go along with it."

"Rey, I wasn't going to propose to you," Brent said with a slight smirk.

She wanted to slap him across his stupid cheater face, but also didn't want to have to talk herself out of an assault charge. "I'm a fool," she whispered to herself. "You are a fool. And an asshole. And you have a small dick!" She didn't mean to add the last one but she was angry and on a roll.

Picking up her clutch, she pushed her seat back with some force and the few tables around them were watching the scene unfold with rapture. "I hope you two are happy with each other." She downed the rest of her wine. "Have a nice life Brent."

She strutted in her expensive heels towards the exit. Reeves stood by the door with a white paper bag. "I knew he was a douchebag the second he sat down."

Rey took the bag and gave him a weak smile before going outside and flagging down a cab. Once she was safely in the back seat and speeding away from the waste of the past two years, she looked into the bag seeing the bottle of Dom and her dessert in a to-go box. "Bless you Reeve," Rey said to herself.

When she got home she could not get out of her dress fast enough and kicked her shoes across her room. She put on her most comfortable sweats and sat on her couch eating cheese cake, drinking expensive champagne out of a coffee cup, and watching romanic comedies. She cried until her eyes burned and were raw.

Sleep took her in the middle of Wedding Crashers and her dreams were plagued with the past two years of her life. The only good that came of her dreams was that her subconscious was able to place what had been missing from her failed relationship.

* * *

**AN: So what do we think?! Poor Rey, right? Leave a review and let me know what you think is going to happen next! Thanks in advance for all of the love and support, I know I have the best readers around!**

**Chapter Title Song: The Chainsmokers - Don't Say**


	2. Champagne

**Champagne**

The ear splitting ring of her phone woke her the next morning. Her makeup was crusted under her eyes and her hair was matted to her cheek from the drool that pooled on the couch cushion.

Rey slammed her hand on the coffee table looking to silence her phone but answered it when she saw it was Rose calling.

"Ello," her voice was rough.

"Rey, are you okay? I've been texting since nine."

Rey looked at the time on her phone. It was just past eleven. She hadn't slept in this late since the last time she was ill. When she didn't answer the voice on the other end became more frantic.

"Rey! Answer me. What happened last night? Did he propose?"

She stifled a cry, "We broke up," was all she could muster.

"I'll be right over," and Rose hung up.

Rey took this time to drag herself to the shower. She gave new meaning to raccoon eyes as her mascara was smeared around her eyes. The warm shower felt amazing and released some of the tension that she has felt from the night before.

She donned a new pair of sweats and a few minutes later there was a knock on her door. Rose and Finn stood in her hall with coffee and a bag of bagels in hand.

"Oh, honey," Finn said sympathetically as he saw her red and puffy eyes and wrapped Rey in a hug that she gladly reciprocated. He held her tighter as she started to sob into his shoulder.

Finn gave a worried look towards Rose as she popped a bagel into the toaster.

Finally with coffee in hand and two bites of bread to soak up any remaining alcohol in her stomach, Rey was able to retell the horrible tale.

"With his assistant?" Rose asked with a confused expression on her face.

Rey just nodded.

"You mean that blond bimbo that we met out for drinks that one time?" Finn asked.

Rey just nodded again.

"What a bastard," Rose hissed.

"I should have seen it coming…" Rey started.

"No…no one expects to be cheated on. No one goes looking for this…" Finn rubbed her back in a comforting motion.

"He was working all those late nights. Not coming over when he said he would. He was preoccupied with his phone." Rey put her face in her hands, "I should have seen it," she muffled in her fingers.

Rose and Finn exchanged another look. "You should be happy," Rose tried. "He didn't like the same music or movies as you. He never understood your love of the gym. He never wanted to meet your parents…"

As Rose was listing all of their differences it was even more apparent what was lacking in their relationship. Any common ground at all.

"And he has a small dick," Finn cut in.

This finally made Rey laugh, "I should have never told you that…" and then she turned beet red, "I yelled that at him in the middle of Maz's last night."

Both of her friend's mouths fell open, "You did not," Finn asked in disbelief.

Rey just nodded which sent them into more fits of giggles. "Thank you guys, I really needed this."

"You know what else you need?" Finn asked.

"What?"

"A girls day and then a night out."

"Yeah!" Rose agreed. "We can go get massages and facials down at the Plaza and then go out tonight and celebrate your liberation."

Rey thought about this for a moment. She could either decline and mope around her apartment in her PJs all day or she could go out with her friends, get some much needed pampering and then actually try to have some fun later. "Yes," she said quietly.

"Yes?" Rose tried to confirm.

"Yes," Rey said with some more conviction.

Finn pulled out his phone, "I'll call Klaus at the Plaza and set an appointment. You," he pointed to Rey, "go put on something presentable."

Rey hopped up and went into her room, Rose followed. "Are you okay? Really?"

Thinking for a moment, Rey was heart broken, but not because her loss of Brent, but the loss of time and energy that she put into their relationship. "I am, I just feel like a fool for not seeing it sooner." She pulled out a comfortable pair of yoga pants. "And you know my past…it's just difficult to be cast aside…made to feel unworthy…."

Rose came up and hugged her friend, "You are not unworthy…if anything he was unworthy of you. You deserve so much more than a boy like him could ever give you."

Rey just nodded her head, trying not to cry again. Now it wasn't out of sadness but at the kind words of her friend. Her mother had always told her to never let a man define her and find someone who makes you happy but frustrated, passionate but steadfast, and above all gives you a love that hurts when you are apart.

She had felt none of these with Brent…well except frustration perhaps.

Within thirty minutes they were filing out of her building and into a cab headed for the Upper East Side. Klaus didn't disappoint and got them in for wraps and massages. The tranquil surroundings were just want Rey needed and she felt not only the stress of her breakup but also of her job and life in general fall away.

When they left she was waxed, scrubbed, and polished within an inch of her life. They grabbed a late lunch at a cafe and planned for the rest of the night.

"So where do you want to go tonight?" Rose asked taking a fork full of her salad.

"I don't really want to dress up again," Rey relayed, picking at her sandwich.

"There is this place that I have heard about, it's low key and relaxed, but still has the right kind of clientele, if you know what I mean." Finn winked.

"It's not a gay bar is it?" Rose asked, "Cause Rey may need to find someone to take her frustrations out on."

Rey scoffed, "I have no idea what you are talking about…"

Rose smiled, "When was the last time you let someone ruffle your feathers?"

"Brent and I…" Rey looked down at her plate.

"That man couldn't even ruffle a paper bag," Finn pointed his fork at Rey.

Rey blushed. It was somewhat true. Their sex life was often bland and never spontaneous. Thinking back over the years it had been since Law School when she had felt any sort of passion with the opposite sex. "It's been a while…" she finally conceded.

"See," Finn said as if to prove his point.

Rey looked at their check and pulled a hundred dollar bill from her wallet, "I'm not going out tonight looking to fall back in to something, but I will promise to have fun."

"That is all we ask," Rose said.

They parted ways and planned to meet up at the bar that was within walking distance from her building. That was the one good thing about living in the West Village, was that there was no shortage of entrainment.

Since the club was more laid back, Rey opted for a pair of skinny jeans, an old band tee, and her Converse shoes. After spending her work life in dresses, pencil skirts, silk, and pumps, she never missed an opportunity to dress down.

It was close to nine-thirty when they all arrived and were ushered into the bar. Rey looked up at the old wooden sign above the door, _Den of Ren._ It was dark inside the bar, the low lighting was accented by red spot lights that truly made it feel like a den of sin.

There were a few tables and of course seating at the bar, but mostly people were dancing to a eclectic assortment of music. They stole a booth as soon as the other party vacated and a woman with dark hair wearing a tailored wool jumper came to take their order.

Rey started out light, getting some wine and sipping it while talking over the music to her friends. The club seemed popular, a lot of people her own age were crowding the bar, young professionals that wanted to cut loose on the weekend but couldn't stand the thumping bass of the dance clubs.

After they had finished the bottle of wine they went out on to the dance floor. The DJ had called over the system that the next hour would be songs from the 1980s. Even though Rey was born in 1991, her mother never missed an opportunity to play some Cindi Lauper or Depeche Mode.

There was a group of men out on the dance floor that kept eyeing Rey and Rose, clearly being able to see by his moves that Finn was not _with_ either of them. Rey knew they were military even though they were in civilian clothing. No man picked a high and tight if he didn't have to and she had spent most of her adolescence around these types.

The hour set of 80s music was amazing and she had a thin layer of sweat covering her brow. She moved to the bar to get a water to help cool down. One of the men from the dance floor followed her over.

There were two bartenders behind the bar. Both had dark hair, one long and one cut short. One was impossibly tall and the other average height. They both appeared to not often miss a day in the gym as their black shirts clung around their biceps. Rey leaned over the bar to get one of their attentions, but couldn't help but stare at the thin strip of creamy skin that showed as the bartender with long hair reached up to get a bottle and his shirt rode up just a bit.

The bartender with short hair saw her and walked over, "What can I get you?"

"A water please," Rey yelled over the new set of music, 90s songs if she was correct.

The man from the dance floor with olive skin and dark hair slid up next to her, "Can I buy you a drink?"

Rey eyed him. He had a cocky smirk on his face like it was a done deal. A pilot she mused, but he was attractive and it has been a while since a guy looked at her like that. "Sure," she answered with a closed lip smile.

The bartender placed a bottle of water in front of Rey and the man held up his finger, "A Rebel for me and a Finalizer for the lady."

Short haired bartended, who's embroidered shirt read Mitaka called out over his shoulder, "One Finalizer coming up."

The drink was often used by men who needed their date to be just tipsy enough to seal the deal, hence the name. While the concoction of six different liquors was used for not so savory reasons, it was popular and so it stayed on the menu. The only unwritten stipulation of ordering the drink was that the bartenders looked out for who ever would be consuming it.

When Mitaka called out the drink order, the man with longer dark hair looked up to see who it was being served to so that he could also keep an eye on her.

The girl with the tumbler filled with the pink drink held his gaze for just a moment longer as he popped the tops of two beers before setting them on the bar top. She wore her hair half up and half down, small pieces had come loose and framed her face. She was in a old Pink Floyd t-shirt and when she smiled at the man who bought the drink it was all teeth and gums but in a girlish appealing way.

She was smart and took alternating drinks of the Finalizer and her bottled water. Rey could smell the amount of alcohol in the drink and even thought it had been years since she was on a date, she wasn't dense.

"I'm Captain Poe Dameron," the man introduced himself with full rank and Rey resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

The tall bartender who had the name Ren embroidered on his shirt moved towards them and started to mix a drink.

Ren was really just trying to assess how intoxicated the woman already was. He watched them out of the corner of his eye as he filled orders from that side of the bar. She looked to be steady on her feet and her eyes were not glazed over so perhaps there was hope for this one.

"Rey," she answered back shaking his hand and avoiding giving her last name.

Poe took her hand and brought it up to his lips, kissing her knuckles. "Just Rey?"

"Just Rey," she answered almost sternly but he didn't notice.

"So I'm a pilot with the 6th, Combat Aviation Brigade out of Fort Drum…"

"Of course you are," Rey mumbled into her glass and this time she did roll her eyes because she didn't remember asking.

Ren heard the man drop rank and narrowed his eyes. He got a lot of military guys in his bar due to the many active bases in the area but none of them knew that he could have them demoted with one phone call…not that he would want to have any unavoidable contact with her…but he could…

"So what do you fly?" Rey asked.

"CH-47D," Poe said standing up straighter. Usually that gained him a confused look and he got to go into a long winded explanation of how important it was the fly the cargo helicopter.

"Oh, you couldn't pass for jets?" Rey said with as much innocence as she could muster, taking a sip from her tiny straw.

The tall bartender coughed behind the bar and Rey could have sworn that she saw him smile behind his hand.

Many times during her teen years when she had worked as a cashier at the BX she would hear pilots complain about not getting a high enough score to fly jets so they would be stuck with helicopters.

Poe looked slightly insulted before he plastered his face with a forced smile, "Here's to having a bird in the sky." He held up his drink, thinking that if he couldn't impress her with his occupation then at least the infamous Finalizer would take hold soon.

Throwing caution out, Rey threw back her drink and downed it in a few deep gulps. She would be at the bar for another few hours and had no intent in going home with Captain Poe. "I think I'm going to go dance with my friends," she called over the music. "Thanks for the drink Captain."

Ren called out, "Miss," and when she turned back towards the bar he pushed her bottle of water towards her and winked.

His eyes were dark and a constellation of freckles dotted his face. His features were sharp and his skin wrinkled as he smirked at her. Rey gave him a toothy smile and mouthed _Thank you_ before going back out on to the dance floor with her friends.

About ten minutes later the drink that she had chugged hit her and her legs and arms felt lighter, she closed her eyes to keep the spinning at bay and she swayed to the music. She danced close to Rose and Finn but their group had also melded with the group of Army Officers out for a bachelor party.

Finn was taking full advantage of Don't Ask/Don't Tell as he rubbed up against a shorter solider of Asian decent.

Poe nodded his head to one of his buddies as he started to dance closer to Rey. The friend left the group and walked to the bar.

Ren had been watching the group on the dance floor and started to see flushed cheeks of the girl as the alcohol content of the Finalizer finally hit her. A man from the battalion came up, "Two sex on the beaches and two beers," he called over the music.

Preparing the drinks he had a suspicion that one was for the petite brunette, but his job was to make drinks, not pass judgment.

The soldier paid for the drinks and with large hands carried all four out on to the dance floor. As he thought, the pilot handed a drink to the brunette and the other was passed to her friend. Ren was now on alert for this girl.

Rey took the drink and sipped it down, feeling thirty after all of the dancing. She felt her self dancing closer to the pilot, wrapping her arms around his shoulders and he helped her hips move to the beat of the music.

There was another full hour of 80s music playing and Rey looked around her. Finn was no where to be found and Rose was lip locked with a beefy dark skinned soldier. She had finished her drink and was feeling very tipsy but had to admit that Captain Poe was a good dancer and charming once she could get past his cheesy pick up lines.

"I'm going to go grab another water," she called in his ear.

Poe nodded and followed her to the bar. Rey lost her footing and just caught herself on the edge of the bar before she completely went down.

"You okay?" Mitaka asked as he set out a napkin on the bar top.

"Yeah," Rey said as her cheeks flamed even more red. "Can I get a water?"

Mitaka nodded and pulled out another bottle of water as Rey slid a five across the bar. Her eyes were starting to droop and the room was spinning again now that she wasn't moving with it. "I think I'm going to go home."

"You want me to take you?" Poe asked wrapping his arm around her waist.

"No I think I can get a cab."

"I insist," Poe started to pull her away from the bar.

"Ren!" Mitaka called out to his partner and pointed to the pilot pulling the girl towards the exit.

Ren nodded and jumped over the other end of the bar with ease and headed the couple off at the door, "Hey soldier boy, I just need to ask the lady a question."

Rey looked up at the dark haired bartender. She reached out and poked his shirt where his name was printed, surprised to feel the firmness underneath, "Ask away, Ren." She had squinted her eyes to be able to read the three simple letters.

He took a moment for her to focus back on him, "Do you want to go home," his eyes flicked to her companion, "or do you want to go home with _him_?"

Rey's eyes moved from the bartended to the pilot before a very dissatisfied expression came across her face, "I want to just go home. He's an Army helicopter pilot. My father would never approve." She patted Poe on the chest as she started to stagger out of the bar.

"Bro!" Poe said in outrage at being cock-blocked.

"Sorry _bro_ ," Ren shot back. "You heard the lady. I suggest you go back to your unit."

Once Poe reentered the crowd of bodies Ren turned and walked out on to the street where he saw the girl trying to wave down a cab. "Hey Miss, I'll get you a taxi." He used his height to wave his hand around at the oncoming traffic.

"Thanks for the save back there, but I can take care of myself," Rey said, the night air helping to sober her up along with the bottle of water that she had just chugged.

"I'm sure you can," Ren said as he smirked down at her. Another cab passed them by and he mumbled, _assholes_ , under his breath.

"It's fine…about the cab. I don't live far from here. I can walk." She turned and started to walk west. She didn't hear the footfalls until he slowed his jog to be in stride with her.

"I'll walk with you." When she gave him a discredited look he threw up his hands, "My mother would be very upset with me for not making sure a lady got home safe."

Rey narrowed her eyes again at him, "Okay, Ren. If you are going to playing my Prince Charming for the night the least you can do is offer some polite conversation."

Ren laughed, dipping his head causing his hair to fall into his eyes. He pushed it back with his right hand and was all too eager to oblige as she linked her arm with his.

* * *

**AN: Thank you to my amazing readers! You all are truly what inspire me...well you and some pretty awesome music.**

**I always love your comments/reviews/feedback...they make me write faster. :)**

**Chapter Title Song: Niykee Heaton - Champagne**

 


	3. Struggle

**Struggle**

They walked a block in silence before Ren spoke, "So what's your name?"

"Rey," she answered simply, making a point to look at the name on his shirt once more, "and you must be Ren."

He smiled, "I am."

They were quiet again but it wasn't awkward. "Where are you from?" He finally asked noticing her accent.

"Florida," Rey deadpanned.

"Oh, so we are telling made up stories…well then I've from a galaxy far, far away."

Rey laughed, "No really, I'm from Florida. My mum is British, hence…you know…the way I talk." She pointed to her mouth as if he didn't understand where her words came from.

"I see," he said feeling a little foolish but enjoying her banter. "So, Rey from Florida, what do you have against helicopter pilots?"

She started to notice that she wasn't slurring her words as much, "It wasn't the occupation or the equipment so much, it was that he was Army." She scrunched her nose some.

Ren nodded his head, "Let me guess…military brat?"

Rey shrugged.

"Ah, it's worse than I thought," he threw his hand up in the air in mock disgrace. "Air Force wasn't it?"

She attempted to mirror his expression, "Don't tell me you are an Army brat?"

"My mom's still in," he said defeated.

"Well, there goes the neighborhood. I guess we can't be friends." Rey had turned and was walking backwards and playfully scolding him.

"I might be able to salvage this though," he grabbed her arms as she giggled at him. The sound was musical and he wanted her to never stop. He pulled her to a stop and looked at her with all seriousness.

"We are mortal enemies. We would never make it through football season."

"I can save this," he said again as she stepped further into his space.

"Do tell…"

"I disgraced my mother and joined the Marines…"

Rey reached out and placed her hand on his toned chest and his physical stance made sense, "Well Oohrah, Mr. Ren."

His smirk was back. It has been a long time since he was able to talk with a woman like this. He could smell her shampoo and she was almost pressed against him.

"I'll make sure to put out my best crayons incase you get hungry," she joked just above a whisper before she pushed away from him and stated back down the street laughing at his stunned face.

"That was a low blow, Chair Force Brat!" He laughed as he jogged again to catch up to her.

They rounded the next block and she linked her arm back with his. There was something about him that made her feel free. She wasn't the attorney, she wasn't the posh girlfriend of the finance guy, she wasn't the General's daughter, she was just Rey. Carefree, fun Rey. She wondered for just a moment if he was the one to ruffle her feathers.

After a few more minutes of their joking back and forth, they reached her building, "Well, this is me," Rey said moving up one of the steps to her building making her more eye level with him.

"And I have done my good deed for the day."

Rey wasn't sure if it was the slight buzz still running through her veins or the new found courage after being rid of Brent, but she placed her hands on his chest and ran them up over his strong shoulders. "How can a poor damsel ever repay you?"

By the time her hands snaked around his neck and started twist in the curls at the back of his head, their breathing was already picking up and their faces had moved impossibly close. "Rey, I'm trying to be a gentleman," Ren almost pleaded.

"And if I don't want you to be one?" Rey's eyes were hooded.

Something primal snapped within him as her breath ghosted across his face and he leaned in the inch that separated them and he pressed his lips to hers.

An energy that she had never felt before flooded through her and she gripped his hair tighter, pulling him in.

His kissed down her neck, tasting the salt of her sweat from her night of dancing. "I have to be back at the bar in an hour," he breathed behind her ear between kisses.

"Then why are we waisting time on the stoop?" Rey kissed his lips one more time before pulling him into her building and towards the two elevators. She said a prayer in thanks that at the late hour one of the lift cars was already on the ground floor and she pulled him in before the metal doors closed behind them.

Rey mashed the button for the sixth floor and before she could turn all the way back around Ren was pressing her against the deep stained wood walls and kissing her again. She moaned into the kiss.

They barely heard the ding as they reached the floor and Rey threaded her fingers through the loops of his jeans and pulled him towards her door. She again was thankful that she didn't fumble with her keys and the door opened without any protest.

She was pressed up against the wall by her kitchen as they had only made it a few steps into the apartment without wanting to come together again.

"Wait, wait, wait…Rey…" Ren breathed. "I walked you home to keep the pilot from taking advantage and what am I doing?"

Rey ducked under his arm that was pressed against the wall by her head. "My name is Rey. I was born April 22, 1991. I'm in New York City. It's May 2018 and Trump is the President." She said this with matter of certainty as she walked one foot in front of the other along one of her floor boards as if performing a sobriety test for the police.

Ren just watched her hips sway with every step towards her bedroom.

"See totally competent to make my own decisions."

"You a shrink or something?" Ren asked as he continued to be entertained by this little woman.

"Or something," Rey quipped back. "Now be a good little grunt and go in my bed room and take off your pants."

Ren's jaw went slack for just a second before his smirk returned. "Yes ma'am," he drawled with a lackluster salute as he walked towards the room she was pointing at.

Rey slipped into the bathroom as her bladder was screaming for attention after her body was quickly filtering out the alcohol. She removed her shoes and didn't bother pulling back up her jeans, instead throwing them into the laundry basket by her sink. She quickly swigged some mouthwash and looked at her self in the mirror, "Ruffle your feathers…" she pep-talked herself.

Taking another deep breath she opened the bathroom door that led into her bedroom.

While the girl…Rey, excused herself to the bathroom, Ren took a moment to look around her apartment. There was a simple couch and tv in the living room and a bookcase on the far end by the windows. They were stacked full of well loved books with cracked spines. Her taste in movies was eclectic, anything from action to artsy foreign films.

He was drawn into the picture of Rey in a graduation cap and gown, but it wasn't the normal dark colored polyester gown, it was a deep maroon with black velvet strips on the sleeves and cap looked more like a beret. She had a doctorate degree he mused…feeling even more impressed with the woman he had known for less than an hour.

When he heard the sink start to run he moved to her bedroom. As he sat on the bed unlacing his boots he rethought his decision to jump into bed with her. It has been so long since he had been with a woman, almost embarrassing long, but for some reason he couldn't leave, couldn't turn down her pretty hazel eyes.

She appeared in the dark doorway in only her t-shirt that barely came to the top of her thighs.

"Christ," Ren said with an exhale.

"Your pants are still on," Rey said with a tisk, not knowing where this bravado was coming from.

Ren stood and quickly pulled his black bar shirt over his head, "Sorry ma'am," he smirked.

"What was the punishment for you jarheads when you disobeyed a direct order?" Rey pressed her finger to her chin pretending to think.

"You must be an Officer's kid, cause you talk too much."

Rey yelped when he took two steps towards her before picking her up over his shoulder, playfully slapped her bottom while turning and throwing her onto the bed. She laughed breathlessly as she pushed the hair out of her face. "Come here," she cooed, hooking her toes into the waist band of his jeans and pulling him towards her.

He crawled onto the bed over her and kissed her when she threaded her hands back into his hair and guided him to her lips. She ran her hands down his body. It was hard and had divots in all the right places, perhaps not as sculpted as when he was running drills daily, but still more toned that she was used to.

Her fingers went to work on the button of his jeans and he gripped his large hand around her rib cage, having worked his fingers under her shirt. As her fingers continued to work, she found it so incredibly sexy when she discovered more buttons rather a zipper on the fly of his jeans and she pulled at them, feeling each button give way.

Without hesitation she reached into his pants and wrapped her hand around him. He hissed out _Fuck_ as she gently squeezed before sliding her hand up his shaft. "Top drawer…nightstand," she said as he kissed down her throat.

Moving off her, Ren opened the drawer and saw what she had intended. He palmed a condom before looked back down at her. She was sitting up on her elbows, thighs pressed and rubbing together. He put the foil packet between his teeth and pushed his jeans and boxer briefs down his legs.

The room was dark but a dim light was cast through the open bedroom door from the kitchen. Rey took him in, from the tousled hair on his head to his muscular thighs. She bit her lip in spite of herself.

"Shirt off," he said removing the packet from his teeth and tossing it onto the bed next to her. She sat up and complied. He felt that it might be impolite to curse in front of her again but the dusty rose colored lace bralette did nothing to conceal her pert nipples and he so badly wanted more four letter words pour from his lips at the sight of her.

Her breast were small but in proportion to her more athletic build. He knelt back onto the bed and placed his hands on her knees, running them down her thighs, parting her legs so he could settle back between them again.

The next thirty minutes the only sounds that escaped them were grunts, moans, gasps, and cries. Rey's orgasm rocked her first. It built and toppled when he had taken her nipple between his teeth. The spasms had started inside of her body and worked their way out. Her legs and abs jerked involuntarily, clutching him to her and begging him not to move for the mere sensitivity of her body.

He held himself over her and stilled within her as she rode out her climax. He stroked her hair off her sweat dotted forehead and placed gentle kissed over her face and neck. Only when her body relaxed, her breathing returned to a less frantic pace, and she returned her lips to his, did he start to move.

She was tight and impossibly wet and knowing that she would be left satisfied his pace was set to a rhythm that would bring him over the edge. Her moans and mews started to build again but he was so close and didn't think he could bring her over with him. So he just held her tighter, panting into her ear, as his rush came.

He had no control over the sounds that escaped him and it came out more of a whimper than a roar. Ren pumped into her a few more time at a much slower pace as his body sent wave after wave of release.

They kissed lazily as he started to soften and he moved his hips, sliding out of her. She mewled at the loss of feeling full and clawed at his hips as if to get him to join with her again.

He groaned at her unspoken demands, "I have to get back to the bar…" he said with regret because he would love nothing more than to ravage this enticing woman all night long.

Rey nodded her head in understanding. She released him and watched him walk into her bathroom. She scampered out of the bed, finding her panties and her shirt, slipping them both back on. She crawled back onto the bed and sat crossed legged in the center.

Ren walked back out, still stark naked and when he saw her back on the bed he truly wanted to say to hell with his responsibilities at the bar, but Saturdays were his nights to close and he couldn't screw over his friend like that.

He started to dress and he could feel her eyes watching his every move. When he slipped his shirt back on he bent over, placing both of his hands on the bed and kissed her again, long and slow.

When they parted he stood up to his full height and held out his hand for her, "Walk me out?"

Rey just nodded, running her thumb over her swollen bottom lip before taking his hand and allowing him to pull her from the bed. When she was steady on her feet he didn't fully release her hand, but just their fingers were touching, curled in on each other. He led her through the living room and to the door.

He turned back to her in the hall, "It was nice to meet you Ren," Rey said with a slight blush and bit at her lip again.

His head dropped and he chuckled, "Nice to meet you too Rey."

She stood up on her tip toes, pushing his hair from his face, and pressed her lips to his again, "If I don't go now we will end up in bed again," he groaned.

"I don't find a fault in that statement," Rey pulled at his belt loop again.

"Devil woman," he joked and pecked her lips once more before he turned to the door and was gone before Rey could protest again.

Rey pressed her back to the door for just a moment before a smile broke out across her face and she laughed out loud before literally skipping down the hallway and back to her room. She walked into the bathroom to start the shower and was shocked to see writing on her mirror.

She kept a dry erase marker in the bathroom to jot down items for her shopping list so there was always a marker on her counter top, but the ten digits scrawled on the mirror made her smile.

Before taking a shower she retrieved her phone and entered the number under the name Ren - Feather Ruffler, not wanting it to fade with the steam of the shower. While checking her phone she saw some texts from Finn and Rose and a missed call from each of them too.

She decided to dial Rose.

"Thank goodness you are alive!" Rose yelled into the phone on the second ring. "We couldn't find you at the club."

"I'm at home, safe and sound." Rey reassured.

"We figured you didn't go home with Captain Top Gun because he came back to his group with his tail between his legs…"

"No…I didn't go home with _him._ " Rey swore they could hear her blush through the phone.

"But you did go home with someone…" Rose insinuated.

Rey giggled, "Consider my feathers ruffled."

"Told you." Rey could hear Finn's voice in the background.

"Thank you for checking on me," Rey started and then yawned. "I'm going to head to bed. I'm a little worn out."

"Sure you are!" Finn's voice carried again.

Rose laughed, "I'm glad you had fun Rey. You deserve it. We will talk tomorrow."

Rey nodded her head and then remembered that her friend couldn't see her, "Yeah, we still on for ten o'clock?"

"I'll be there, dirty knickers in hand."

"What am I going to do with you?" Rey questioned before saying bye and hanging up.

Rose's building didn't have laundry so they always got together on Sunday to do their washing at Rey's building and she was sure going have a tale to tell.

* * *

Ren made it back to the bar just as the house lights were coming on. He was like a fish swimming up stream against all the people leaving the club but he made it back to the bar to see Mitaka collecting glasses from the bar top.

"Hey, sorry man. Time just got away from me." Ren apologized as he hopped back over the bar and took up a towel.

With a knowing smirk Mitaka passed some tumblers to his partner, "I take it she made it home alright?"

"You could say that…"

As the last drunken bar goer filtered out of the room and the doors were locked, the men put on some rock music more to their liking and continued in silence cleaning up the bar.

Ren sent Mitaka home around 3am and took the tills up to the small apartment above the club that he had been living in for the almost a year. His normal routine was to set everything out on the dining table and balance the books for that night but he was distracted.

He could still taste her on his lips. He could smell her on his clothes, in his hair, on his hands. He wasn't a bit embarrassed to stroke himself in the shower that night at the thought of her. The funny, fiery, beautiful, and smart woman had stumbled into his life and he laid awake that night with a stupid grin on his face.

* * *

**AN: Thank you for all of the Follows and Favs! It truly makes my heart happy. Comments and reviews literally make me smile like a fool so keep them coming!**

**I already have the next two or three chapters planned out so I hope to get them out soon. Y'all are awesome!**

**Oh...no offense intended with the military banter. I'm married to an Army man myself, but when you spend enough time around them you pick up on the rivalries. :)**

**Chapter Title Song: Tove Lo - Struggle**

 

 

 

 


	4. The Other Side

**AN: So this is what started it all. This chapter is the idea that popped into my head and spurred me into writing this story. I hope you enjoy it. I have been loving getting all the emails with the alerts and reviews! Keep them coming. They make me want to write faster!**

* * *

**The Other Side**

Promptly at ten in the morning there was a knock at her door and Rose stood in the hall with a hamper of dirty laundry propped against her hip. Rey blushed under her friend's knowing gaze.

Rey collected her basket and they rode the elevator down to the basement. Their first loads were in and they were seated on the dryers drinking coffee before the line of questioning started.

"So…" Rose inquired, craning her neck to look at her friend in the eyes.

"So what?" Rey smiled into her coffee cup playing coy.

"Are you really going to make me ask?"

Finally Rey broke at the expression on Rose's face and threw her head back and laughing.

"Oh my God, Rey…" Rose said with disbelief. "You like him."

Rey stopped laughing, "What? What are you talking about?"

Rose hopped off her dryer and looked Rey up and down, "You are giddy. Glowing almost. You are blushing. In the entire time I have known you, you have never been this excited about a guy."

"I'm laughing because what happened was ridiculous. I'm glowing because the sex was amazing and I'm blushing because I can't believe I just told you that." She buried her hand in her face.

"You have told me worse and you know it. Now tell me everything from the top."

Rey launched into the story, "Well he's one of the bartenders at the bar we were at last night. That Army guy Poe was making a move and tried to take me home last night, but I guess that both Ren and myself were not having any of it."

"Ren?"

"Yeah, that's his name."

"Like _Den of Ren_ , Ren?" Rose started to connect the dots.

Rey looked puzzled, "I guess so. We never talked about our jobs…"

"I guess not," Rose said under her breath. "Was there any talking at all?"

"Yes," Rey laughed throwing a dryer sheet box at Rose. "I'm not a heathen. We talked about the military believe it or not. His family is Army and he figured out that I'm an Air Force brat, but oddly enough he's a Marine." She used the present tense because once a Marine, always a Marine.

"Oh, I love a man in uniform," Rose rubbed her hands together as if doing so would make some handsome men appear before her eyes.

"Speaking of which, when I left the bar you were tongue deep in some guy. What happened with that?"

"Lieutenant Foster," Rose sighed the name. "He was dreamy but it would have never work out. We parted ways and didn't even exchange numbers." She shrugged her shoulders as if it was nothing to make out with a guy at a club. "But back to you…what happened next?"

Rey blushed again, "He had totally intended to just drop me off, being the total gentleman, but I told him what I wanted and I guess I made a convincing argument."

"So it was good?"

"Oh yeah," Rey drawled. "It was…" she tried to place the right word for what it felt like to be with him, "…fun," she mused. "We bantered and he wasn't insulted that I laughed in the heat of the moment. It was sexy and passionate, like nothing I've experienced before. It was incredible Rose."

"What happens now?"

Rey shrugged, "He wrote his number on my bathroom mirror…"

"Genius. Remind me to put a dry erase marker in my bathroom." Rose interjected.

"Will do," Rey chuckled. "But I don't know if I'm going to call him."

"Why the hell not?"

She shrugged again, looking down into her lap and twisting her hands together, "What if he thinks poorly of me for sleeping with someone I had just met like twenty minutes before."

"He partook as well, so he without sin cast the first stone…or something like that."

"I guess you're right, but I'm going to wait awhile. Don't want to seem too desperate for a repeat performance. I don't want him to think that I just want him for booty calls," she looked down again, "cause I think you are right. I might like him."

"Mark my words Rey, this is not the last we will be seeing of this guy."

The washer buzzed and they moved their laundry into the dryers before falling back into easy conversation.

* * *

Ren slept in like he normally did on Sundays. The bar was closed so he woke around noon, made a quick breakfast of eggs and toast before going back to the unfinished books from the night before.

He sipped his coffee and accounted for all of the credit card receipts and counted and banded the cash. He had taken a chance on this bar a few years back and his parents had not been pleased with his choice of endeavors, but this was something that was completely his.

Never wanting to ride off of the success of his parents, he had changed his name before enlisting in the Marines. Although he chose a different branch of service than his mother, his name still would have carried weight and he wanted to be judged for his character rather than his parentage.

So instead of also following in his father's footsteps he had moved to New York, bought a run down bar in the West Village and turned it into a thriving business. Not that his parents would admit his independent success, always calling the bar his 'little project'.

Zipping up the bank bag, he put on his gray worn Marines hoody and laced up his running shoes. He thought about her all morning, catching glimpses of the prior night in his memory or recalling the sounds she made under his care. He thought about changing his route so he could run by her building in the hopes that he would see her.

But he never changed his route. He knew every pot hole, curb, newspaper stand, and market along his three mile run. Four blocks in he stopped at the bank and dropped the deposit before setting off on his steady pace.

The hyperawareness was useful at time, like when a cab rounded a corner without looking for pedestrians, but it also made him socially awkward and often caused him to look distracted to people who didn't understand.

By the time he returned to the bar he looked down at his watch, 25:47…still good enough to pass the PFT. His green shorts were stuck to his thighs and sweat darkened the fabric of his hoody.

A shower was in order and then he would commence the rest of his normal Sunday routine. He made a note on his hand to pick up his suit jacket from the dry cleaner on his way back from the grocery store.

He would need to turn in early tonight. Tomorrow was the big day.

* * *

Monday morning came too quickly and Rey groaned as she silenced the alarm on her phone. She had a couple mediations on the books today but then she had an open afternoon which she planned to spend doing her pro-bono work with Child Protective Services.

She wore a dark grey body hugging wool dress and her sensible four inch black pumps. Her chestnut hair was pulled back in a simple twist and she stroked on a few coats of mascara before grabbing a protein bar and her briefcase.

She got a cup of coffee the next block over and then hailed a cab.

She was a few minutes late but still in the office earlier than the other partners. Finn was already at his desk checking the voice mails from over the weekend and taking detailed notes. He held up her second cup of coffee for the morning and she mouthed _I love you_ which he replied with a just as silent _I know_ , as she pushed open the door to her office and flicked on the lights.

Rose walked in seconds later, "The documents are ready for the first and second meetings but I need you to look over the one o'clock to make sure I didn't miss anything."

"I'm sure it's fine Rose. Your work is always perfect."

"I know, but the soon to be ex-husband is Mr. Nudo's godson and we can't mess this one up." Rose bounced nervously in her fire engine red heels.

"Fine," Rey said with mock annoyance. "But if I find a mistake you owe me lunch."

"Deal!" Rose called, taking the other two case files with her and went to prep the board room.

Their first meeting was at nine and Finn made sure there was fresh water and coffee available. He also placed extra pens on the table, musing at how many get broken or thrown before final divorce papers have been signed.

At 8:55 a well dressed man with pale orange hair walked into the law office.

"He's here," Finn whispered into Rey's office before he started to mockingly hum the Imperial March theme from one of his favorite sci-fi movies.

Rey snorted a laugh before walking towards the opposing attorney. "Hux," She said cooly as they stood outside of the board room.

"Rey," he replied, his lip almost curled into a snarl.

She was peeved that he disrespected her by using her first name within the professional setting. Just because they had been set up on a horrible blind date once didn't give him the luxury.

After a minute long stand off he extended his hand, motioning for her to enter first. "Always the gentleman," she hissed under her breath.

Rose was placing documents on the table in front of four seats, two on one side and two on the other.

There was yelling from the front of the practice that drew both of their attentions. "I think your client is here," Hux smirked.

Rey rolled her eyes and went to see what the commission was about. She walked up to see the hot headed blonde yelling at the front receptionist, "I don't care if you have my name wrong! I want to see my lawyer!"

The girl at the desk looked like she was about to cry, "It's fine Kay, she's my nine o'clock." Rey than stood taller, the image of professionalism, "Right this way Jessa."

The blond continued to squawk as they walked through the practice. Other junior attorneys looked on with either amusement or sympathy. Rey decided to not engage, but just motioned her client towards the board room.

Jessa stopped short when she entered the room, "Of course it's you," her eyes narrowed at the ginger that was hired to make sure she didn't get what she deserved.

"Pleasure as always Jessa," Hux didn't even look up from his papers.

Rose came over and guided the blond to a chair on the opposite side of the table as Hux, "Would you like some water?" She offered.

"Bottled, poured in a glass…not plastic…" she looked down her nose at Rose, "a glass. With two slices of cucumber."

Rose almost curtseyed sarcastically, but instead went to the small kitchen in the office to prepare the requested beverage.

Jessa pulled out her phone and stated texting faster than Ray thought was humanly possible. She then held up her phone noting that it was now 9:01. "He's late. He's never on time for anything."

Hux pulled his phone out from the pocket on the inside of his jacket, "He just entered the building…" he replied without emotion.

Rey sat down next to her client and waited for the other party to arrive. She straighten her papers and the two pens that sat to her right.

"Right this way sir," she heard Finn say and her gaze lifted to the door way…and then her breathing stopped.

A slightly winded, but well dressed Ren stood just inside the room.

It was as if everything around them stopped, stood completely still in time like in those movies scenes where they could hear each other's breaths.

Hux broke the trance, "He's here, let's get this moving."

Ren stumbled across the room and sat down next to his attorney, his eyes never leaving her.

Rose had reentered and set the water in front of Jessa before taking the seat next to Rey and picking up her own packet, "First order of business for today is the dissolution of marriage between Ben Organa Solo and Jessa Johansson Solo."

Rey was still in a daze but her head snapped to Rose as the names were read off. First off he had said his name was Ren not Ben and she would have known the Organa name anywhere. The color drained from her face as her gaze shifted back to him.

"You feeling okay?" Rose whispered.

Rey shook her head and pour herself a glass of water, taking three big gulps before nodding her head, "Yeah, I might be coming down with something. Let's proceed."

The reading of the divorce agreement was standard and Rey only half listened. It was only when they got to the concessions that she squared her shoulders. She wouldn't let him distract her. She had a reputation to maintain.

"First item is the apartment at 216 East 47th Street…" Hux started to read.

"She can have it," Ren…no Ben cut in.

"Ms. Johansson will be responsible for the upkeep and taxes for this property," Hux read off without emotion.

"Agreed," Rey said for her client for this was the norm with acquiring a property within divorce.

"Who said I wanted to change my name?" Jessa interjected.

Ben tightened his fists that were laying on the table top, but quickly stretched out his fingers, silently doing the relaxation techniques that his therapist had taught him. "You will not be keeping the Solo name. I am being generous with you here. You will not use my name, my family's name to further yourself any more."

"Be reasonable Jessa, it's just a name," but Rey knew this was a lie, that name was everything.

"Fine," she pouted like a child and waved her hand for them to continue.

"Next order is that of alimony and quality of life allotments." Hux read.

Rey shuffled some papers and pulled out Jessa's statement of her current standard of living, "Mr. Solo…"

"Please call me Ben," the words left his lips before he could think.

Rey's eyes shot up from her paper, "Okay…Ben," it was almost a whisper and she watched his hands clinch again, the same hands that had been like fire over her body. She flushed.

"You have provided such a living for Jessa that it would be reasonable to ask for an allotment of $2000 a month for the next six years or until she remarries." Rey continued to read the briefing that Rose had typed up.

"I want a percentage of the bar," Jessa threw in, having never mentioned the property to Rey in the past.

"You can't," Ben replied.

"Like hell I can't!" Jessa yelled, tipping her manicured fingernail on the table.

"I don't own the bar anymore," Ben said smugly.

"Then I want a portion of what it sold for! You spend all your time at that God forsaken shit hole and it is the reason for this relationship not working."

Rey doubted that the bar was the only reason that Ben had been keeping his distance from Jessa but she kept her thoughts to herself.

"How much do you want?" Rey asked, entertaining her client.

"Fifty percent," Jessa said with gusto.

"Okay," Ben sighed, "Add another ten dollars to the agreement."

"Ten dollars?" Jessa asked with surprise and she started to laugh in disbelief.

"Yeah, I sold the bar last month to some guy for twenty bucks but he still lets me work there."

Hux smiled behind his papers and Rey had to give them credit for being proactive with protecting that asset.

"Next item," Rey wanted this to move along.

"I want more money," Jessa tried again.

"Mr. Solo needs a potion of his income to live on as well, or have you forgotten what it is actually like to pay your own way?" Hux sneered.

"He gets his military separation money…I'm entitled to half."

Rey looked over her papers again and her eyes when wide.

Ben squirmed in his seat, he felt naked but not in the fun way that he had experienced a few night ago, but the kind of naked that made him feel uncomfortably vulnerable.

"When were you separated from the Marines?" Rey asked.

"How did you know he was in the Marines?" Jessa asked, trying to gaze at the papers in Rey's hands, wondering what other information was on there that she had not disclosed.

"It says it here," Rey's ears heated with the lie but she quickly flashed the papers at her client hoping that would satisfy her.

"September 14, 2011," Ben answered.

"And you married my client in October of the same year?"

"Yes," this time his voice seemed pained as if he was apologizing for something.

"I'm sorry Ms. Johansson but you are not _entitled_ to any of that money." Rey reported.

"Why?" Jessa whined.

"That compensation was earned by Mr. Solo's service and sacrifice to his country. The scars," she tried to remember if she had felt any uneven patches of his skin but thought that everything had happen so fast that she wasn't paying attention, "both seen and unseen have earned _him_ that money. Plus you were not married to him while he was active which makes you entitled to nothing."

Ben wanted to stand up, reach across the table, and kiss the spitfire that had just told off his dreadful excuse of a soon to be ex-wife.

"I thought you were supposed to be on my side," Jessa crossed her arms across her chest.

"I am first and foremost on the side of the law," Rey answered shortly before looking to Hux. "Next order?"

* * *

**AN: The next chapter has already played out in my head I just need to get it on paper! You guys are the best and I so love your comments/reviews/thoughts. I had answered one comment with my inspiration for Ben in this story is partly Kylo/Ben/Adam Driver/Adam from Girls.**

**Leave me some love! It makes my heart happy!**

**Chapter Title Song: Ruelle - The Other Side**

 

 


	5. Ignite

**Ignite**

The last item discussed was that of the custody of a half bald, allergy afflicted Pomeranian named Fluffins, which Ben gladly signed over to Jessa.

When his therapist had suggested a dog to help him cope with life after the military the four pound, itchy, anxious mess of an animal had not been what he had his heart set on. Jessa had argued that the dog that he found at a shelter in Jersey would only mess up her white couches.

"All that is left is for both parties to sign on page thirty," Rose said, holding out pens to almost ex-husband and wife.

Hux flipped to the correct page and slid the packet in front of his client. Ben picked up a pen and signed the document without hesitation.

Ben's eyes met Rey's across the table as he pushed the papers to her. She reached out without looking down and their hands brushed, the warmth and electricity from the other night was back and she almost moaned but clearer her throat instead.

Rey quickly looked down and made sure that everything was in order before passing it to her client.

Jessa took her time, pretending to look through everything and attempting to find an error not in her favor.

"Just sign it," Hux said in a bored tone.

Rey reached over and tapped the line that Jessa needed to sign on. She was just as done with this case as Hux was and ready to demand answers.

Jessa finally signed the papers and Hux snatched them, making sure that everything was legitimate and that Jessa hadn't signed it Fluffins McFluffy-Pants as a way to postpone the divorce.

"Everything look in order. Congratulations, I now pronounce you ex-man and ex-wife." Hux was monotone.

"I'll get official copied to you by the end of the week Ms. Johansson," Rey said standing, calling an end to the meeting.

On the other side of the table, Hux and Ben were shaking hands and even came in for a one handed hug with a few pats on each other's backs.

When the men parted the ginger turned, "Always a pleasure Rey," he smirked seeing her face harden. He collected his briefcase and exited the board room.

Rose had gone to walk Jessa out of the practice and do any damage control incase the blond tried to act out on the way to the elevators.

Rey was alone with him and they just looked at each other over the large darkly stained table. "A word… _Mr. Solo_ …" Rey's voice was hard and she pointed towards the door before turning and walking to her office.

Ben followed silently, unsympathetically watching the sway of her hips under her charcoal dress. He entered her office as she held the door open for him and slightly jumped at the sound of the door slamming.

She paced in front of her window a few times and he did the right thing by remaining quiet. Finally she round on him, "You said your name was Ren."

"It is…" he stuttered. "It was…"

"But no!" Rey threw her arms up in the air as if not hearing him, "You are Ben Organa Solo, son of Army General Leia Organa Solo!"

"How did you…" he started to question.

Rey walked to her desk and turned around the new engraved name plate that Finn had just given her.

Ben's eyes went large as he read her full name, "Kenobi…as in the retired Air Force General Kenobi?"

She just gave him a pointed stare as if silently asking him, _Who the hell else?_ Then her expression crumpled and she covered her face with her hands. "I can't believed a fucked a General's son."

"I can't believed I fucked a General's daughter, which if you didn't already know is way worse!" Ben ran his hands through his hair as his anxiety started to spike.

"And you failed to mention Saturday night that you were married!" Rey hissed.

Holding up the papers in his hand, he pointed at them, "Divorced!"

"Only just! But I'm sure I'm not the first girl from the bar that you took home." She rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest.

He was the last person she should be judging, "As I remember, it was you who dragged me up to your apartment." He pointed his finger at her now, his temper starting to boil. "And for your information, the last girl I brought home from a bar I ended up marrying!"

There was a knock at the door and Rose poked her head in, "Rey…oh, Mr. Solo…" her gaze darted between the two and Rey quickly wiped a tear from her eye.

"Yes Rose?"

"We are setting up for the eleven o'clock."

"Thank you Rose. I'll be right in."

The door closed again and they were once again silent and focused.

"Rey…I'm sorry…"

"Look Ben…"

They both spoke at the same time.

"I have to get back to work. I'm sure you can find your way out," Rey started to walk by him towards the door.

He reached out as she passed him, grabbing around her wrist. As she spun around he was on her, pressing her up against the door and kissing her as if he life depended on it.

Rey had wondered if their passion from the other night was fluke or a one off, but as soon as his full lips touched hers, the same fire was ignited. She pulled at the lapels of his jacket and groaned as his large hands gripped at her hips.

They parted for need of air. Both their chests were heaving. "Come to the bar tonight. I'll make you dinner and I will tell you anything you want to know." He searched her face for any hint that she might decline. "Please," he whispered.

Releasing the grip on his jacket, she smoothed it back out, focusing her eyes on her work and thinking for just a moment. As the word ' _please_ ' fell from his lips she looked back up and she saw the most sincere puppy dog face she had ever seen. "Okay," she said softly and slowly pushed him back from her. She straighten out her dress and checked that her hair was not out of place, "But only dinner," she warned.

His boyish smile was back, "Yes ma'am, only dinner." Testing his limits he dipped in and placed a quick peck to her lips before he opened the door and found his way to the elevators.

Rey looked out of her office door with stunned silence.

"Uh, Rey," Finn drew her attention. "You may want to go touch up your lip stick before going into the next meeting."

Her eyes went wide and she blushed, scurrying back into her office and pulled the small mirror out of her desk draw. Her lips were slightly swollen and her neutral shade was patchy and smeared in placed.

When she was on her way to the board room for the next mediation Rose caught her, "What was that about?"

"That was the bartender," Rey hissed.

"The feather ruffler?"

"The one and only," Rey's shoulders slumped and she truly didn't know what to do.

"Well shit…" was all Rose said before they went on with the rest of the day.

The next client was worse then Jessa and Rey was spent by the time lunch rolled around. Her mind was already racing and she was starting to get a head ache.

"Rose you think you can fly the next one solo?" The choice of her words just proved what was on her mind.

"But the client…"

"I know is Nudo's godson. You got this. I looked over the documents. They are perfect which means I owe you lunch."

"You think I'm ready?" Rose asked.

Rey wasn't sure where this doubt had come from. Usually Rose oozed self confidence. "You got this," Rey gripped her friend's shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze.

She told Finn to forward any important calls to her cell and she slipped out of the office before any of the partners could notice. She called her contact with the pubic prosecutor's office and apologized for not making their later meeting but requested that the case files be emailed to her so she could start to work on them.

When she was home, she slipped out of her shoes and dress, unpinned her hair and let the hot water of her shower calm her nerves. She was able to go over the facts, like any good attorney should.

Growing up, even though her foster father had been retired, he still was held to certain standers of his rank and that included members of his family. She never slept around, drank, or even smoked until she was out of their home and half a state away at collage.

She would never even consider messing around with another high ranking officer's son. A scandal for either family would have been unacceptable and the last thing she ever wanted was to disappoint her parents.

So she toed the line. She was nineteen when she had lost her virginity. She had finished college early. She had remained faithful and avoided drawing attention to herself. But now…now she had engaged in a one night stand, with the son of the most famous military General in history, while he was still married.

How had she fallen so far…so hard?

Rey put on a comfortable pair of sweats and curled up on her couch with her laptop and a cup of hot tea. She spent the next three hours going over child neglect cases and when her stomach churned she wasn't sure if it was due to the horrific deeds she was reading about or because she had not had anything to eact since breakfast.

Ren…Ben…what ever his name is, didn't say what time she should come over, so she made a cup of coffee and ate an apple to hold her over for a few more hours.

It was a minute passed five and she paced her living room, phone in hand. A new message screen was open and his name, Feather Ruffler was printed in bold as the header.

 _Hey, this is Rey from the other night…_ she typed but then deleted it shaking her head. Of course he would know who it was…she had never met anyone else with the name Rey. Plus she was more than just a hook up. She was his ex-wife's divorce lawyer. She shouldn't even be seeing him. This could come back as a conflict of interest.

Then why was she still typing into her phone?

_This is Rey. What time is good for you?_

She felt this was the least desperate sounding and left nothing for interpretation. Short and to the point.

Rey stood there and looked at her phone for a reply. Then a minute passed, and five, then ten. She slammed her phone down on the counter and decided that now was a good time to clean out her refrigerator. Anything to keep her mind off of the maddening, cocky, beautifully handsome, sexy as hell, lying, she reminded herself…bartender.

It was after six-thirty when she was startled by a knock on her door. She used her sleeve to wipe the sweat from her forehead and pulled off one of yellow rubber gloves to answer the door.

"Ben? What are you doing here?" Rey asked in shock as she saw him panting on her door step.

"I texted," he looked around nervously thinking how stupid it was for him to be here. "I even called. I thought something bad might have happened."

"Did you run here?" She removed her other glove and couldn't help but be smug at the thought of him racing to her aid.

He looked down as sweat stated to leave pinpoint spots on his gray shirt, "Maybe, but that's not important. Why didn't you answer?"

Rey didn't have a good reply. She walked over to her phone and picked it up seeing the four messages and two calls. Clicking the button on the side of the device she turned her ringer back on, "I guess I never took it off silent when I left work."

Standing awkwardly in her doorway he didn't want to presume that he was invited in, "Do you still want to…um…" he rubbed his hand through his hair and then kneaded the back of his neck, "talk or whatever tonight?"

"I think we should." Rey looked down at her baggy t-shirt and sweats, "I'll just go change."

"You don't have to," he called out, still standing in the door. "I pretty much botched dinner when I decided to run over here and make sure the…" he looked around the corner into the kitchen seeing fridge door still open, "week's old meatloaf hadn't done you in."

His perfect smirk was back and Rey had to hold her resolve. She nodded and slipped on some trainers before grabbing her keys, phone, and purse.

They were silent in the elevator ride down. She was sure if she looked close enough she could see his hands print on the varnished wooden wall where he had pinned her. She shifted her thighs despite herself.

He finally spoke once they were out on the street, "How does take out sound?"

Rey blushed as her stomach answered for her with a growl that she was sure half of lower Manhattan had just heard.

"I'll take that as a yes," he laughed as they rounded a corner.

They walked an extra ten blocks or so to get to the best Chinese take out in the West Village. Ben was a little embarrassed when the owner called out, "Nice to see you again Mr. Ren!" When they walked through the door. He wouldn't admit that he eats here at lease twice a week.

After ordering they sat in overly worn plastic chairs and again said nothing to each other. Rey was content with watching college students file in and out, thinking to herself how do they look so young?

Food in hand, they started to walk again. The bar was half way between the Dumpling Kingdom and Rey's apartment. Holding the brown paper sack in his large hand, he pulled out a white container and a pair of wooden chopsticks, passing them to Rey. "I know you're hungry," he insisted.

"Oh thank God!" Rey said as she took the offered items and started to eat the garlic chicken as they continued on their walk.

Ben unlocked the doors to the bar and they walked in. It looked completely different through sober eyes and also with all the lights on. She could appreciate the pre-war details that were part of the building.

"This way," he said over his shoulder as he moved towards that back of the building. Behind a door and up some stairs was an open loft apartment. He threw his keys into a tray by the door and then set the bag of food on table that looked like it was original to the building.

"You live here?" Rey asked looking around.

"For the past nine months or so…yeah."

"So you and…"

"No. We've been separated for some time," he answered her unfinished question. "I meant what I said in your office. I never cheated on Jessa…well until you."

"That doesn't make me feel any better," Rey set her half eaten box of Chinese food on the table as she watched him retrieve two plates from the shabby kitchen.

He passed a plate to her and their stare held for just a moment longer than what was appropriate. Ben held out his hand, offering the chair opposite him to Rey. She sat and he started to unload the rest of the food.

Using her chopsticks, Rey took a little of everything as her hunger was still not appeased.

"I'm sure you have more questions than I do, so whenever you are ready," Ben said as he took the bag of egg rolls from her.

Rey pulled a face.

"It's not that I don't want to know about you…because I do," he looked down, twisting an egg roll between his fingers. "It's just that my life appears to be a little more complicated than yours."

"And you lied to me," Rey cut in, pointing her chopsticks at him.

"Not completely," Ben tried to defend.

Rey rolled her eyes, waving her utensils around with each point, "Just your name, your family, the fact that you were married!"

He let out a huff, "I wish you would stop bringing up my marriage. It is inconsequential. And as for my family, it wasn't as if you disclosed that you are a Kenobi!"

"How is your marriage inconsequential? Do you not remember a few hours ago when I represented your ex-wife in your divorce?"

"Exactly, ex-wife…divorce. You are saying all the right words but for some reason you are not getting it."

"If you are trying to insult my intelligence…"

He scoffed, "I am not, but you are making it difficult for this to work."

"For what to work?" Rey asked now in a small voice.

"Whatever this is!" He now pointed his chopsticks between them. "Don't tell me that you don't feel it too?"

Rey didn't answer because she was scared of where that line of conversation may lead them and her eyes shifted to the bed at the other end of the room. She just looked down and pushed some food around her plate. "Tell me everything," was all she was willing to offer.

"How much do you want to know?" Ben asked. Beyond his therapist no one truly knew everything about him.

She knew that they were on a slippery slope. Once she knew everything, would that change her perceptions of him? Did she want to think of him any differently? She had a past that not many knew, nor was she willing to lay out all of her insecurities to a stranger, but for some reason, a gut wrenching reason, she needed to know every detail of this man's life.

"As much as you are willing to tell…"

* * *

**AN: I don't know if my updates will slow at all, but our old dog has cancer and we might have to let her go soon (within the week) and I'm not doing so well with it. So please forgive me if I don't update for a week or so, even though writing is a good escape.**

**I have awesome readers and your follows/favorites and comments warm my heart. When I see that email I my inbox I am filled with such love and joy. So thank you in advance for the kind words.**

**Chapter Title Song: K-391 & Alan Walker - Ignite**

 

 


	6. It Won't Kill Ya

> **It Won't Kill Ya**

"Where should I start?"

Rey looked down at her food, her hunger now dormant. "Tell me about Jessa," she looked up as she mentioned the name to gauge his reaction.

He leaned back in his chair, exhaling in a mix between annoyance and acceptance. Ben threw his unused chopsticks onto the table and they clattered next to his plate. He understood why Rey needed to know about his ex-wife, but it didn't make it any easier. Placing both of his hands on the sides of his head he pushed back his hair and drew in a large breath.

Seeing that he was uncomfortable did not bring her pleasure but a longing deep inside of her needed to hear his story, needed to know as much of his soul as he was willing to bare. It also didn't help that as he pinched his head between his hands, his triceps flexed in a way that made her hands ball.

"I met her while I was at Yale," he started, still leaning back in his chair and looking at the ceiling.

"You went to Yale?" Rey asked in disbelief. It wasn't that she thought he was uneducated, but even her JD from a state school seemed measly next to any degree from an Ivy university.

"With a pushy mother and a father with impossible standards they wouldn't have it any other way." He waited just a breath to make sure she didn't have any other interjections. "I met her during my last year and as I said in your office, she was the last girl I took home from a bar."

He got up from his seat and walked over to a newer looking fridge. Pulling out a bottle of beer, he offered one to her and Rey nodded. Being a bartender he opened them with a little flair before setting hers down on the table and he went back to his chair. "When I graduated…"

"With what?" Rey asked. "I mean, what degree did you obtain?"

"I doubled in business and mechanical engineering." He took a swig of his beer feeling quite satisfied with himself as he watched her brows lift with surprise.

Rey caught herself and fixed her expression, mimicking him and taking a drink from the bottle. She wasn't really a beer drinker but this was light and crisp tasting. "Ambitious," she finally was able to get out.

"Well my father is a pilot so he wanted the engineering degree and I wanted anything other than what he wanted so I stuck with business."

"Seems fair," Rey was starting to piece together the not so pretty picture of his relationship with his parents. "So where do the Marines come into this story?"

"After I had fulfilled my obligation to my parents of graduating Yale, I decided to do something for me. I had always wanted to join the military…after 9/11 I think a lot of us just felt a draw to do something more…"

They fell silent for a moment, out of respect for all the loss of life in New York that day, they both remembered where they were the day the towers had fallen.

"But I knew that I couldn't join the Army and the other branches held no interest for me, so I changed my name, lied about having a college education, and enlisted in the Marines."

"So that is where Ren comes in?"

Ben smiled and took another swig, "It's a nickname I was given while on the fencing team at Yale. As far as the Marines were concerned I was just some kid from Indiana named Kylo Ren."

"By the accounts of your divorce documents you didn't get married until you were 24, so what happened between those times?" Rey's cheeks flamed at the admission that she may have re-read his file when she was at home.

"I went off to boot camp with the rest of the kids. By then my mother couldn't expose me without some embarrassment to herself so she let it play out. It was a year after I joined when I got my first orders for deployment. Jessa and I had been dating the entire time and like a lot of other guys in my unit I proposed to her before being shipped out, feeling like I had to have something worthwhile to come home to."

Rey nodded her head. She had grown up in this life too, seeing girls engaged in high school as their boyfriends went off to boot camp.

"I was in the desert for nine months when I got hurt…"

"I wasn't going to ask…"

"But…" he offered for her.

"I saw your compensation letter from the Veteran's Affairs. I assumed you were injured while in service." She looked up at him and saw his unease. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I understand it can be difficult to talk about."

Once again he was amazed by her. So many times people just expected him to retell his tale as if he was reciting his grocery list. He hardly ever talked about his time overseas, having seen…been through too much.

When he didn't speak, Rey decided to fill the silence. "When I was younger, part of my father's duties as a retired General was to go around to the hospitals and see service men and woman who were injured in combat. I was told to not ask about their injuries…" secretly she had read books and online articles on post-traumatic stress disorder when she heard the nurses at the hospitals talking about it.

Oddly enough he felt comfortable with her. Beyond his therapist and perhaps his mother who had read the official reports of what had happened, it wasn't a story that he often told. "Our Humvee was hit with an IED, some guys didn't make it, but I was able to get out but it was an ambush. I took some fire before the other teams could secure the scene."

Again she could only nod, knowing how much it had taken him to just tell her that. She watched his hands clench and relax a few times as they rested on the table top. "I didn't know the extent…I don't remember seeing any scars when we…"

The laugh that escaped him was a mix of amusement and anger, "My mother brought in a plastic surgeon from California to do all of my closures. Couldn't have her only son show any physical scars of war."

"It's the unseen ones though…" Rey started but her voice caught in her throat.

Ben just nodded not wanting to go down that road yet, "So they flew me to Germany and then home when I was stable. I spent some time in Walter Reed and Jessa was there every day, the ever doting fiancé."

Now it was Rey's turn to scoff and she tried to hide it behind her drink.

"She really was, but perhaps for the wrong reasons. She received a lot of attention for being so steadfast and faithful, but when the truth came out, about who I really was, it got worse.”

"How so?"

"Of course my mother found out about my injuries and when I was settled back in the states she came barging into the hospital. A one-star showing up gets attention and when she went raving mad asking about a young Marine that had just been transferred in, it raised questions because I had nothing to do with her command."

"I can only imagine," Rey thought about how her father had rushed the emergency room at the hospital on base when she had broken her arm playing with some friends.

"Well the doctors wouldn't give her any information until she yelled loud enough for the entire hospital to hear that the nobody Marine Kylo Ren was really her only son.

"After that there was a lot more attention. Military Times wanted to interview me and we must have taken over a hundred pictures. Jessa ate it up and she came up with the idea that we should get married in the chapel in the hospital. I think she just wanted to do it while we were still relevant, but I convinced the doctors to advise against it.

"So while I was trying to heal, while I just wanted to get better so I could get back out there with my guys, while I was grieving the loss of my friends, my fiancé was scheming."

Rey didn't know why she was crying, but she wiped at the tears that left stains down her cheeks. "Not the best start to a marriage I'm guessing."

"Hardly." Ben snipped. "I was in the hospital for another month and then they sent me to light duty in Virginia. I was med boarded within a few months, surely my mother's doing." He was now starting to pick the label off the beer bottle, "So the one place that I had felt normal no longer wanted me and my mother and Jessa were content parading me around.

"We got married the next month. I still had chest tubes in, but they just had my tux jacket let out some so they wouldn't rub." He attempted now to find some humor in the situation but at the time he had not cried at the sight of Jessa walking down the isle in white, but due to the pain at his ribs.

Seeing that he was starting to get upset and finding that she was becoming even more disgusted with Jessa, Rey tried to change the direction of the conversation, "Where does New York come into play?"

He shrugged, "Being out in the world again was hard. I shut myself away in our apartment for over six months. Hux came to see me and practically dragged me to a VA clinic."

"Hux?" Rey gave a confused look.

"We were at Yale together…kept in touch when I went my own way."

Rey made a mental note to try to understand that friendship later but she didn't want to side track him now. "Was the VA any help?"

"Some. I started seeing someone in mental health. Got set up with a Doc there…"

He was starting to get lost in his thoughts again so she brought him back, "You were talking about how you ended up in the city."

"Yes…well I was starting to withdraw again. I wasn't the person I was before I deployed. As Jessa would put it, I wasn't the man she agreed to marry over a year prior. But I thought to myself, I could just rot away, secluded, ruled by fear and my wife and my mother, or I could do the exact opposite.

"I moved to the biggest city to be around as many people as possible. I moved away from the watchful eye and influence of my mother. I wanted to be just one in a crowd, not the one and only Ben Solo."

"I can understand that. It was exciting news in my town when they built a Wal-Mart, so moving to New York was a huge change. I learned how unimportant my last name was when I was lost in a sea of people."

"Exactly!" He slammed his hand down on the table with some vigor causing Rey to jump in her seat. He looked slightly embarrassed for startling her but no one else he ever met was able to quickly pinpoint what he had been feeling.

They were both quiet for a moment. It had been a long time since Rey felt this connected to anyone. Ben too felt the force the seemed to draw them together and despite his six year marriage, Jessa could never understand his upbringing. She never cared to understand what he went through in the desert and she proved time and time again that she wasn't willing to support him after the spotlight had faded.

"And the bar?" Rey asked, breaking the almost laser beam focus that they had on one another.

He picked his chopsticks back up and played with the food on his plate. This may seem like an innocent enough question but it also uncover another part of his life that he had even kept secret from Jessa. "I got a settlement and was able to put a down payment on the space."

Rey nodded, "I've considered doing some side work for veterans who are fighting for compensation. There was this one guy back home that was medically retired, like you due to injury, and it took nine months for his disability to kick in and he nearly lost everything."

"Well," Ben rubbed at the back of his neck. "It wasn't so much a settlement as it was an inheritance." She wasn't pushing for the information but he had to tell her everything and when he saw just the slightest crease of her brows he knew that he was doing the right thing.

"Look, I don't know where this," he waved his hand between them, "is going but I really don't want you to hate me down the line for lying, even if it is by omission."

"We didn't really start on the most trusting terms," Rey said looking down at her hands in her lap before peering back up at him. "And that was both of our faults." She was willing to listen to him without judgement, and he was right, getting this all out in the open now was better than damaging the trust that they are trying to build.

He relaxed in his seat again and readied to retell the story that had been told to him by his mother only five years ago. "Back before World War II there was a small county between what is now Hungary and Austria named Mustafar. "

Rey was following and nodded her head to encourage him to continue.

"My grandfather, on my mother's side was the monarch of this country."

"Your grandfather was a king?" Rey asked in disbelief.

Ben cringed, "Yeah…"

"Which would make you a…"

"Don't say it," he pleaded. "The tale is very tragic…"

"Do tell," Rey sat back in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest.

"When Hitler was rising to power, Mustafar fell much like other smaller countries, but my grandfather actually supported some of the Nazi party ideals and he was taken in as one of their higher ranking officers."

"By the end of the war he knew that he had to cut ties to save his own neck, so as the war trials were conducted he acted as an informant and was granted a pardon but was exiled to his own county. In the 50's my grandmother gave birth to twins and died during labor."

"When the war trials ended it was determined that the Skywalkers would be granted lands around their estate but much of the country would be dissolved and given to sister countries as restitutions."

"That only seems fair," the attorney in Rey was mulling over the case in her mind.

"My grandfather died in the 80's and my uncle gained control of what is left of Mustafar, but he lives more like a monk rather than a king, never marrying or having kids of his own."

"So that makes you not only technically a prince, but also heir to some forgotten country in Eastern Europe?" Rey was trying to wrap her head around all of it.

He shrugged, "Not what you were expecting from an odd looking bartender that you took home."

"You're not odd looking," Rey shot back before she could stop herself. A blush painted her cheeks for a moment before she cleared her throat. "So not only are you the son one of the most decorated military Generals and a combat wounded veteran in your own right, but also you will be king of a county one day…"

"A very small country, we only own about five thousand acres at this point."

"Not helping your cause," Rey deadpanned and then became very quiet.

Ben watch her and the million of emotions that crossed her face as she tried to process everything that hewas telling her. "What are you thinking?" He asked desperately. "Please say something…"

"I'm nobody…" she almost whispered.

"What?" He asked dumbly, truly not understanding what she said.

"I'm nobody," Rey said louder now, lifting her gaze to look at him.

"What are you talking about? You are a Kenobi. Your legacy is just as important as mine."

"My parents were drunken junk traders…"

Ben's gaze fell to the table and his brows pinched, "I mean, I have called my parents many things, but I don't believe that General Kenobi would be…"

"No Ben," her voice carried causing him to look at her again. "I'm adopted. I am a Kenobi only in name."

He was silent for a beat, letting her words rush over him. She took his lack of response as a rejection and she went to stand. "Where are you going?" He called out, jumping to his feet so fast that his chair toppled back.

"I am nothing. I am a nobody. And you are everything," she exhaled, defeated. "What could you possibly want with me?"

Ben looked offended, "You are not nothing…not to me. The fact that you think a good blood line makes you a good person is so far off," he thought back to his family, twisted in disgrace.

She had stopped her trek to the door and he was gaining on her until he stood just before her. He took her face between his hands, "With everything you have accomplished, how can you feel like you are unworthy of anything? I am the one who left my family, disowned my name and title. While you were working for everything that was just given to me, I was throwing it all away. I am the one who is unworthy."

He leaned down and his lips ghosted over hers and all the while Rey was thinking about how absolutely screwed she was…

* * *

**AN: This chapter took me some time, not only because we have been spending a lot of time with our old girl Zoey, but I wanted to get it right. I have a lot of future chapters planned out but I have to get there with some filler so just hang in there.**

**As always I love to hear your thoughts and reviews! You guys are the best!**

**Chapter Title Song: The Chainsmokers - It won't kill ya**

 

 

 

 


	7. War of Hearts

**War of Hearts**

She allowed him to kiss her for just a moment, her arms were still hanging at her sides, unable or unwilling to pull him in closer. Turning her head down, she broke their connection, looking down to the floor, knowing that if she met his pleading golden brown eyes that she would not have the sense to say what she needed to.

"We shouldn't do this," she started, taking a step back from him as his hand fell from her face. "I can't do this…" her voice more sure as she finally looked up at him.

Anger, disappointment, and sadness crossed his expression as he looked down at her. But when he saw her lip quiver and realized how hard this decision was for her, he was washed in understanding. His lips pressed into a thin line, "I know my life is…complicated, but if you ever change your mind…"

"I know," Rey said and took another step backwards before turning to the door. She didn't stop running until she was out on the street.

Ben watched from the window above the bar as Rey paused on the sidewalk, bent over with her hands on her knees, and her shoulders heaved under the yellow tint of the street lights. The fact that she was upset by her choice did not thrill him, but it did give him hope.

* * *

Rey ran back to her apartment, the hot air of the city burning her lungs. The tears had started once she was three blocks from the bar and they fell despite her mind telling her that she had made the right decision.

In the past few years she had not cried as much as she had in the last few days. While her mother had always taught her to own and express her feelings, she also had experienced so much trauma in her life that it took an event truly emotionally draining to cause her to weep like she was at this moment.

As the hot water of the shower pelted and borderline scalded the skin of her back, she openly sobbed, harder and longer than when she had broken up with Brent. Deep down she had always known that Brent wasn't her soul mate and not that she thought Ben could be, but it was the crippling realization of their circumstance that broke her. That fate had pushed them together, just to force them apart with professional and personal ethics to blame.

She poured herself into her work the next day, not even engaging in the normal morning banter with Finn and Rose.

"What's up with her?" Finn asked Rose when Rey took her morning coffee without a word and then locked herself in her office.

Rose sat on edge of Finn's desk picking at a cream cheese pastry. "The hot bartender that Rey took home over the weekend was actually Mr. Solo from yesterday's nine o'clock."

Finn's eyes went large, "Shit." He sat back in chair as he puffed out an exhale, "She didn't know before?"

"No," Rose shook her head. "She had no idea until he walked into the board room."

"What a mess," Finn started but his thought was intruceted by the phone ringing. That was their cue to start their day of work.

It was past one o'clock when there was a knock on her door. Rey looked up from her computer, "Come in."

Rose opened the door just enough to stick her head in and they exchanged a knowing look. Rey sighed and pushed away from her computer and waved Rose in. The junior attorney stepped further in and shut the door behind her. "I just wanted to check on you…you know…after yesterday."

"Thanks Rose, I just don't know what to do."

"Well I'm guess by your rushed mood this morning that you skipped breakfast and you do owe me a lunch. So how bout we get out of here for an hour and talk."

Rey stood from her chair and grabbed her bag from the bottom drawer of her desk. She walked towards Rose and surprised her with a tight embrace. "Thank you…"

Rose returned the hug, "You know that you are not just my mentor but also my best friend."

"What have I done to deserve you?" Rey felt the tears start to well in her eyes again and she took in a shaky breath, patting her ring fingers under her eyes to keep the moisture at bay.

"I'll go get my things," Rose gave her friend a sympathetic smile before turning from the office.

Rey stopped by Finn's desk and she could tell that he was trying not to say anything but his eyes were wide and he almost wore a smirk. "Rose and I are going to lunch. Would you like to join?"

"Are you sure? I'm guessing that you girls need some time." Finn turned back to his computer, pretending to check his email.

Rey cocked her hand on to her hip, "And when have you not been one of the girls?"

Finn pointed his pen at her attempting to look offended before a smile broke across his face, "Let me roll over the phones." He pushed a few buttons and then grabbed a small bag from his desk drawer.

Rose came up and the three of them made their way to the elevators. "Since when did you start carrying a murse?" Rose asked Finn in jest.

Hugging his cross body bag to his chest Finn scoffed, "Do you see room in these pockets?" He popped out his hip to show how tight his dress pants were.

The girls giggled at him and the elevator dinged alerting them that they had reached the lobby. They made the quick walk to Fluffy's Cafe and ordered coffee and sandwiches. It was another two blocks to the Park and they sat by the USS Maine Monument.

"So the bartender…" Finn started taking a large bite of his turkey on rye.

Rey toyed with her coffee cup, tracing her finger along the plastic lid, "The bartender," she repeated wistfully.

"Look Rey," Rose interjected, "You shouldn't feel bad. You had no idea."

"But I should have."

"How?" Rose asked. "He didn't give you his real name that night and I was the one who put together the papers for the divorce. For all intents, Jessa was my client, you were just overseeing the case."

"It's true," Finn said, mouth full of sandwich. "You only had what…" his eyes shifted left in thought, "two meeting with Jessa before the divorce?"

"I should have recognized the Solo name though…"

"Why? What's so special about the name?" Rose asked taking a sip of her strawberry infused tea.

Rey sighed, still holding her uneaten sandwich. "It isn't the Solo name so much as Organa part of his name."

Finn and Rose still looked confused.

"His mum, Leia Organa is one of the most influential Brigadier General's in the armed forces right now."

"You said he was an Army brat…" Rose was starting to piece everything together.

Rey nodded her head, "She held offices for the Desert Storm and OIF conflicts before taking a position at the Pentagon after Ben was…" she knew his story was not her's to tell, "...discharged from the Marines. Now she's up for consideration for Superintendent of West Point." She took a gulping breath as she recited the finer points of the General's wikipedia page.

"So what's the problem?" Finn asked.

Rose and Rey eyed each other. While Rose had not grown up in the military life, her sister was currently serving as a B-2 Spirit pilot and she was familiar with the fraternization policies, both spoken and morally understood.

"Apart from the ethical issues that the State of New York holds me to, this could create scandal that I'm sure both of our families would not appreciate."

Finn just shrugged his shoulders, still not understanding. "Look you like the guy right?"

"Sure…but…" Rey started.

"Then who cares? Why don't you just take a leap and see where this goes?"

Rey sighed again, "If it got out what we had done...the affair...it could effect his mother's career." She again started to play with the lid of her coffee, her sandwich completely forgotten, "When my parents handed me the name change papers and asked me to be apart of their family, it was the best day of my life. I finally belonged to something bigger than myself. If what Ben and I have…had, did anything to jeopardize my parent's good name, I couldn't stand it."

Finn was quite now, starting to understand what Rey was afraid of. His family had disowned him when he came out as gay so he knew that nothing he did could further embarrass them. But Rey had a family that actually wanted her, even when their legal responsibility for her was no longer an issue. He could understand that fierce loyalty, for he felt it for the women sitting on either side of him.

"So what are you going to do now?" Rose asked.

"I have no idea."

"Maybe you should talk to your mom," Finn offered.

"What?" Rey asked with surprise.

"Well, if you are so concerned about a scandal maybe you should just lay it all out to your parents and let them give you their blessing."

"But it's just not my parents…"

"Why are you so concerned about everyone else happiness over your own?" Finn was very protective of Rey and did not like to see her so conflicted.

"What does Ben think?" Rose attempted to change the subject before Rey or Finn said something they couldn't take back.

A slight blush ghosted on Rey's cheeks, "He wants this…I mean he wants to see where this could go."

"And what do you want?" Finn asked.

"I…" Rey started.

Finn held out his hand, pointing a finger at her, "Forget about everything else. If it was just you and him…what would you want?"

Rey's face scrunched, miffed that Finn always knew how to get her out of her own head. "I would want to try…"

Both Rose and Finn grinned as they watched a lazy smile spread on their friend’s face. There was a far off look in her eye and they knew that by hell or high water Rey deserved a chance with the mysterious and complicated bartender.

* * *

Ben knocked on the over polished door and peeked into the forty-sixth story office.

The red haired attorney looked up from his tablet, "Ren, come in man."

Crossing into the office, Hux rose and gave his friend a back slapping hug before he offered Ren a seat. Return behind his desk he lounged back in his leather office chair, "What do I own the honor of two meetings in as many days?"

"I need some legal advice," Ben started, taking one of the two chairs across the desk and folding his hands between his knees, a nervous habit that he hadn't been able to shake.

Hux picked up on his friend's body language and sat forward in his chair, "Please tell me you didn't kill anyone."

Ben finally cracked a smile, "No…nothing like that."

Relaxing again, Hux mulled over in his head what could possibly be so concerning to Ren. "Well the pretty little attorney sent over your finalized divorce papers. That's the quickest I have ever seen them move…"

"Rey?" Ben asked without thinking.

Hux eyed his friend, "No…her junior attorney Rose. How do you know Ms. Kenobi's first name?"

"That's kind of what I'm here for…"

The ginger ran his hand through his perfectly quaffed hair with an expression that seemed to scream, _You have to be kidding me!_

"We kind of slept together…" Ben said in a hurry, like ripping off a bandaid.

"Did you kind of sleep with her or did you actually sleep with her?" Hux asked in a mocking tone.

"We actually slept together, you ass," Ben quipped back.

Hux smiled, "If I wasn't a little concerned with this development I might just get up and high five you. Half the guys in this office have been trying to hit that for years!"

Ben growled...actually growled at his friend.

Hux now laughed, "Keep your cool Ren. Obviously even you can't deny that she's hot."

He shook off his friend's comment and also the anger that was building in him, "I just need to know if she can get in trouble for it or if Jessa can come back and contest the divorce."

"When did this little encounter between you and Ms. Kenobi occur?" Hux said in his best lawyer voice.

"Last Saturday…" Ben ran his hands through his hair, "She came into the bar and some douce bag fly boy bought her a Finalizer…"

"Nice," Hux interjected with a smile for he had been the one to name the infamous drink.

Ben gave his attorney a pointed stare, "I was watching out for her and prevented her from going home with that guy and making a huge mistake."

"So instead she made the mistake of sleeping with you?"

"Right," Ben looked down at his once again clasped hands.

"But at the time she didn't know who you were and you didn't know she was representing your ex-wife?"

"Yeah, we stuck with first names…she thought mine was Ren and we didn't really get into talking about what she did for a living."

"I'm sure there wasn't much talking at all," Hux winked at Ren and he was becoming very amused at how easily he could rile up his friend.

"Look man, I really like her and don't want her to get into any trouble with the Bar…"

Hux held up his hand and nodded in understanding. "As far as your divorce is concerned, technically Rose Tico did the filing but Rey should have excused herself from the medication…"

"And because she didn't?"

"Jessa could come back and claim that her attorney was not completely objective."

"And Rey's career?"

"There is a clause in our code of ethics that addresses this issue in the nice vague wording that us lawyers love using, but since neither one of you knew that the other was involved in the divorce I think that this could slip through the cracks."

"You think?"

Hux shrugged, "Just hope that if you pursue a relationship with Rey that Jessa doesn't find out any time soon."

Ben puffs out a breath, bending over and placing his head in his hands. "What a mess."

Standing from his chair, Hux rounded his desk and placed his hand on Ren's shoulder, giving it a few reassuring pats. "It will all work out."

"Yeah, I hope so. Thanks for seeing me on such short notice." Ben stood as well, running his hand through his hair in the hopes that he could smooth it down from his nervous pulling.

"Just answer one question for me…" Hux started with a sly smile.

Ben tilted his head in rely.

"How was she?"

Ben's face went red and he reached out without warning, wrapping his hand around Hux's throat.

"Dude, calm down. I was just fucking with you." Hux's voice was strained as he gripped one hand around Ren's forearm and the other pushed on his friend's chest.

As his vision came back into focus, Ben released his hold on Hux and staggered back a few steps. "I'm sorry man, I don't know what came over me…"

"You must really have it bad for her. You never lashed out like that to defend Jessa's honor."

"That's because Jessa had no honor to defend." Ben said under his breath.

"When was the last time that you saw McQuarrie?" Hux inquired.

When Ben had moved to the city, Hux insisted that he stay in treatment so Ben tried a few therapists. His mother had even set up appointments with private particle shrinks in the city but when the therapist's outfit cost more than what his monthly pay was as an E5, he realized that they would never be able to relate to what he went through.

So he had turned back to the VA and was referred to an off site therapy center just for combat veterans and that is where he found Pharl McQuarrie.

Also a combat wounded vet, McQuarrie had served as a medic for the Army during OIF and was able to relate to Ben's experience overseas better than any other therapist he had ever encountered. Usually treatment cycles ran for only ten weeks but he saw McQuarrie once a month just to stay on track.

"I just saw him, you know with the divorce and all, but I can call and make another appointment. " Ben said looking down at his hands as if he was disgusted by them.

"Yeah, that might be a good idea…" Hux still rubbed at his sore neck as he moved to open his office door. "I'll call you about dinner this week."

Ben nodded, knowing that no matter what, Hux would always have his back and they never missed Thursday dinners together. "Thanks again Hux…" Ben moved towards the door, "and sorry for the whole…you know…choking thing."

Hux waved him off, "In my world that's just foreplay. Now get out of here before I charge you for my time."

"Bless the woman who ever puts up with you," Ben chuckled as he shook his head in disbelief and walked back towards the front of the office, down the elevators, and back out onto the hot, noisy, and bustling streets of Tribeca.

* * *

**AN: You all are amazing! I love seeing the emails pop up with Favs, Follows, and Reviews! You all are too kind and you make my heart happy.**

**I think I have the next few chapters planned out, so stayed tuned.**

**Chapter Title Song: Ruelle - War of Hearts**

 

 


	8. Show You

**Show You**

Rose hurried down West 4th Street as fast has her blue velvet heels would carry her. She needed to drop her notes off at the NYU School of Law before the Dean left for the day. She had been asked to provide a guest lecture a few months back and they had asked to review her talking points prior to the engagement.

Two blocks from her destination she stopped in her tracks at the sight of the looming figure with dark wavy hair. "Mr. Solo?" She asked.

Turning at his name, Ben collected the papers in his hands and saw that small Asian woman standing on the sidewalk. "Rose, right?" He remembered her from the law office and also from his conversation with Hux two days ago.

"Yeah," she stepped out of the way of the foot traffic that never seemed die down around the school. "You thinking about taking some classes?" She pointed to the theatre building behind him.

Ben looked up at the building as if double checking where he was and then turned back to her, "No, I just like to…uh…attend some of the shows here."

Looking behind him, Rose tried to see what playbills were up. She reached out for the papers in his hands, "Which one are you seeing?"

Thinking to himself that this little woman was slightly pushy, he decided to play nice after Hux told him that not only did Rose and Rey work together but they were also friends. He let Rose take his ticket from his hand and she scanned it over.

" _Looking Back in Anger_ ," Rose mused. "Never heard of it." Her phone beeped in her purse and she fished for it, checking the incoming message and then cursing under her breath.

The woman shoved the ticket back into his hand as she shifted her bag on her shoulder. "I have to get to the Law School before everyone leaves for the night. It was nice bumping into you!" She started to walk backwards until halfway thought her speech, clearly not one for traditional good-byes.

"Yeah, you too," he called out waving one large hand over his head.

Rose pulled out her phone again and punched in a few commands, smirking to herself.

Ben walked the seven blocks back to the bar, running up stairs, throwing the ticket on the kitchen table before changing into his black _Den of Ren_ tee and then joining Mitaka behind the bar for the after work crowd.

He had not heard from Rey since she left his apartment on Monday night. He opened up a new text message to her dozens of times over the past three days but just didn't know what to say.

His hyper vigilance was causing him to fall behind at the bar. He must have looked towards the door a few hundred times with just the smallest hope that she would walk in.

She never did, but that didn't prevent him from being on edge the entire time.

"Where's your head Ren?" Mitaka asked as he popped the cap off a bottle of beer and placed it in front of a kid wearing a NYU shirt.

Ren sighed as he had to remix another drink after mistaking vodka for clear rum yet again. He threw the vodka and coke mixture into the small bar sink and started the order over. At this rate he was going to hardly turn a profit from that night's business.

"Ah," says Mitaka without his boss' reply. "Pretty brunette from the other night I take it."

Finally placing the correct drink on the bar he tells the patron that it's on the house and then goes on to the next. Thursday nights are usually overrun with college kids and he was almost glad that his Rey doesn't have to weed her way through the sea of over cologned millennials.

"It's complicated," was all Ren offered before he changed the subject. "You all set for tomorrow night?"

Mitaka quickly thanked a customer and put some cash in the till, "Yeah, Jyn is going to cover for you."

Ren smirked, "You finally going to find the balls to ask her out?"

"It's not like that," Mitaka defended putting a bottle of beer on the bar top.

"If you say so, but if you wait too long someone else will snap her up. She's kind of a catch."

If Ren had been single when he first moved to the city he was sure that he would have made a play at Jyn. She worked as a fitness coach during the day and filled in at the bar when needed. He sometimes dropped in at her gym for workouts but mainly stuck to running.

Just this morning he had done something that he hadn't done in years…he changed his running route. He had run past her building, on the opposite side of the street of course and he was sure she would most likely be at her office up town, but just the thought of being close to a place that was hers made his nerves settle.

* * *

Rose knocked on Rey's door before peeking her head in, "You got anything I can help with?"

Rey looked up from her stack of files, "Yeah, come on in."

"What ya got?" Rose took the seat across from Rey and was handed two files from the bottom of the stack.

"The Hutt case needs the assets and financials run and we need to look over the information from the private investigator for the Calrissian case."

"The mobster and the player," Rose mused flipping through the files, "fun, fun."

"We are just living the dream aren't we?" Rey joked.

They laughed and then Rose started to fidget.

"Just say it…" Rey knew her friend too well.

"Do you have plans for tomorrow night?"

Rey thought about her pair of sweat pants and the new season of Supernatural on Netflix. "Not in particular. What did you have in mind…and after how the last one turned out, I don't think I can handle another night out at the bar."

"No nothing like that," Rose reassured. "When I was at NYU the other day dropping off my presentation the Dean gave me a pair of tickets to a production the drama school is putting on." After seeing how distracted and over all melancholy her friend had been all week, the white lie didn't seem to bother Rose.

"A play?" Rey asked with speculation. Even though she had lived in the city for years now, the last production she had been to was The Lion King.

Rose shrugged, "I know it's not our normal scene, but I just figured it would be something different." She didn't want to seem to be pushing too hard, "It could be fun," she gave her best innocent smile as her eye brows rose.

Rey narrowed her eyes at her friend for just a moment, "Fine. I will go with you to this play." Rose clapped her hands and bounced in her seat, Rey rolled her eyes. "What are you going to see?"

"A piece called _Looking Back in Anger_."

"Sounds pleasant," Rey said with sarcasm.

"If it sucks we can just leave during intermission and check out that new wine bar on the other side of the Square."

Rey's face lit up with a smile, "Deal!"

* * *

His morning run took him down Perry Street, where he looked up to the sixth floor apartment at the corner of the building for just a moment before continuing his three miles. He returned home, took a shower and then headed for the subway.

Over the Brooklyn Bridge, he got off at the High Street Station and walked the few extra blocks to the therapy center where McQuarrie's office was.

The man in his late thirties stood from the chair behind his desk. He wore a short beard and his hair was dusted with gray at the temples. "Hey Ren," McQuarrie greeted.

"Hey Doc, how's it going?" Ren replied as he took the outstretched hand of his therapist, pumping it a few times in a firm handshake.

"All good on my front," McQuarrie motioned with his newly freed hand for Ren to take a seat and he too sat back down behind his desk. "I was surprised to have you pop up on my schedule so soon."

"Yeah well…" Ren tucked his long legs under the chair, crossing his ankles. He twisted his hands in his lap.

The Doc could tell that his client was uncomfortable and perhaps not ready to come right out with the real reason behind the follow up session. "I hear congratulations are in order," he said in a light tone.

Ren finally looked up with a slight smirk on his face, "The papers were finalized on Monday."

"Is that why you are here? Second thoughts about the divorce?"

"Hardly," Ren snorted almost with arrogance.

"Then…"

"I met someone," he blurted out.

McQuarrie leaned back in his chair, "Well we usually don't recommend getting into anything serious for at lease six months…"

"She's special," Ren interrupted again.

"I'm sure she is," the Doc sighed. "But you just terminated your marriage. Do you think it is wise to jump back into another serious relationship?"

Ren exhaled, running his hand through his hair. "It's complicated." He was getting tired of describing his…connection…to Rey like that.

"They always are…"

He was going to put all the chips out on the table. If there was one person he trusted with the most intimate details of his life it was McQuarrie. "She was Jessa's divorce attorney."

"Shit dude…what were you thinking?" The Doc had been seeing Ren for years now and at times the lines between therapist and comrade became blurred.

"I don't know!" Ren was now pacing a circle in the small office. "She was at my bar last Saturday and some punk ass Army flyboy was trying to make a move. No offense Doc," Ren eyed the Army memorabilia on the walls and bookshelves.

"None taken," McQuarrie replied. He was a grunt, a medic, so he wasn't too impressed with pompous pilots either.

Ren was still pacing, "I walked her home from the bar…one thing led to another." He returned to his seat, pushing his hair back with his hand again. "She is the first woman I slept with since Jessa and I haven't touched my ex-wife in over a year."

McQuarrie knew that if he just remained silent and allowed Ren to work through his thoughts it was better than pushing for information.

"When I walked into mediation Monday for the divorce, guess who was sitting next to Jessa?" He threw his arms out in frustration over the entire situation.

"Miss Special?"

"Rey…her name is Rey."

"So what does Rey think of all this?"

"I don't know," Ren was dejected again. "I told her everything…"

"Everything?" McQuarrie questioned with some disbelief.

Ren looked up and made eye contact to show how serious he was about this, "Everything."

McQuarrie blew out a breath, surprised because it had taken them six sessions before Ren even opened up about his family let alone what he had gone through overseas. "How did she take it?"

"She grew up in the life, so the military stuff didn't really bother her…but the rest was a little intense."

"I can imagine, Your Highness," McQuarrie joked.

"Shut it Doc," Ren shot back with a smile. He paused for a minute, letting their more light hearted banter settle in the room. "She's a Kenobi…"

"Why do I know that name?" McQuarrie mused.

"Retired Air Force General Obi Kenobi is her father…well adoptive father…"

"Wow…two General's kids. I'm sure you both had a lot to talk about."

"Well actually she ran away before I could really find out too much about her."

The room fell silent again, McQuarrie was again allowing Ren to think.

Ren looked up again, his eyes pleading, "What should I do Doc? Even from our short interactions, there is something about her that I just can't get out of my head."

"You know I can't tell you what to do Ren…"

"If you were in my shoes…what would you do?"

McQuarrie smiled, "My code of ethics do not allow me to have relations with clients or family members of clients. I am not familiar with the ethics of attorneys…"

"I consulted Hux…"

"And?"

"He says she should have redacted herself form the case, but it was Rey's junior attorney Rose who signed off and filed the divorce. But I'm sure if Jessa ever found out she would try to contest the divorce agreement."

McQuarrie sat back in his chair, "Well you have a lot to think about then, don't you?"

"You know I hate it when you are no help…" A sad but slightly playful smirk touched the corner of his lips.

"The beauty of you being a competent adult is that you are allow to make decisions that may have poor outcomes, but you can either learn from those consequences or continue to make more bad choices."

"So you're saying that this is either a bad choice or it will have a poor outcome?"

"No…I'm saying that if you choose to pursue a relationship with this woman, both you and her have to be willing to own up to and deal with any consequences of the relationship."

Ren rubbed the sweat from his palms, "You mean my divorce and her career…"

"Along those lines…" McQuarrie sat forward again and shuffled through the open file on his desk. "Any new symptoms I should know about?"

Looking up at the clock Ren saw that his therapeutic hour was almost up, "I'm exercising more…feels like it clears my head. The hyper vigilance is exhausting me but I'm not sleeping well."

"And your meds?" McQuarrie made a few notes in the chart.

"Still trying to ween down but the added stress this week hasn't helped."

McQuarrie nodded and then flipped through his calendar. "How about I see you in two weeks," he looked with with a pointed stare that seemed to express an unspoken importance of the upcoming days.

"I think that's a good idea," Ren rubbed at the almost invisible scars at his neck.

The men stood and shook hands again, McQuarrie reached out his other hand and clapped Ren on the shoulder. "I'll send a referral for a sleep aid to your doctor even though I know you won't take it. Call me if you need anything."

Ben nodded with a tight lipped smiled and then left the counseling center.

He wore his headphones on the subway ride home, but the perceived solitude didn't give his tired mind any solace. He still felt split in two. Half of him knew that he should forget Rey, for her sake and to avoid complications down the line, but the other half yearned for her, wished that they had met years ago under more favorable circumstance.

Once he was home, he had just enough time to get cleaned up before he needed to head to the theatre. His normal jeans and tee was traded for a pair of black slacks and a gray long sleeved button down shirt. He tightened the knot on his matte black tie and headed out.

The military had made him usually very punctual, so it was fifteen minutes before curtain when he took his seat on the isle near the back of the theatre. He noted all of the exits and decided which would be the best to use in case of an emergency…another symptom of his past trauma.

Rose and Rey entered the lobby after having their tickets checked at the door and Rey excused herself to the restroom. Rose peeked her head though the doors on the left side of the lobby and down the isle she saw the mop of dark hair and she smirked to herself.

She sent a quick text as Rey was coming to rejoin her and Rose looked up with a girlish smile, "You ready?"

"Yeah…bring on the theatrics."

Rose handed Rey the playbill as a distraction and started down the isle. "Row 30, seats B and C," Rose said as she stopped just behind Mr. Solo.

Ben recognized the voice and looked over his shoulder and for a moment forgot how to breath.

Rey finally looked up from the small booklet in her hands and nearly ran into the back of Rose for her gaze was solely fixed on him. "Rose…what is the meaning of this?" She said somewhere between a hiss and a whisper.

Rose smiled and then turned to Ben as he stood from his seat, "What a coincidence running in to you here!"

"Yes…" he eyed Rose. "Remarkable…" his gaze shifted to Rey.

"Well would you look at that. Our seats are right next to yours!"

Ben looked at the two empty seats next to his and after an awkward moment he stepped into the isle to let them pass. Rey moved quickly and took seat C, putting Rose between herself and Ben.

"You can stop acting so innocent now Rose, I know what you did." Rey again hissed under her breath.

Rose blinked her doe eyes a few times, "Why I don't have any idea what you are talking about."

"Rose…" Rey said in a warning tone.

"Shh," Rose shushed as the house lights started to blink signaling that the play was about to start.

Just then there was a buzzing sound and Rose pulled her phone from her purse. She lifted her face towards Rey and the largest, scheming smile was plastered across it. Within a second the smile fell from her expression and was replaced with a look of false worry. "Oh goodness you guys, I have to go…" She held up her phone as if to indicate that an important text had come though.

"I'll go too…" Rey started.

"No," Rose said with some force. "You stay. Enjoy yourself." She winked and then started to move towards the isle before Ben could stand all the way to let her out.

He looked at the empty seat between them, "I think we have been set up."

"What gave you that idea?" Rey almost sulked, arms folded across her chest.

Someone behind them shushed them as the curtain started to rise.

* * *

**AN: As always my readers are amazingly lovely. Thank you in advance for all of the kind words and reviews. Seeing alerts in my email make my heart sing!**

**Chapter Title Song: Marshmello - Show You**

 

 


	9. Fractures

**Fractures**

About fifteen minutes into the show Rey sighed and moved to the seat next to Ben having grown tired of trying to see around the tall man sitting in front of her. They didn't talk for the entirety of the show, just would try to catch side ways glances at each other.

The play was entertaining and surprisingly related to their current situation. The main character was in an unhappy marriage and would vent to a friend often about the miserable ways of woman, particularly his wife. But the man found love again with a woman in their building who was also friends with his wife and he had to navigate his failing marriage and the budding relationship with his neighbor.

But Rey couldn't get her answers from college students acting on a stage, she had to explore the feelings that had not settled in her gut all week. As she looked to her left at the strangely handsome man who wore a concerned expression as he watched the closing monologue of the play, the pit in her stomach turned to butterflies.

They both stood with the rest of the theatre as the cast came out for their final bows. Rey's hands moved together in applause but her mind was far away from the crowded room.

When the audience stated to file out, Rey went for her handbag and Ben reached out, wrapping his large hand around her forearm, "Just a moment," he said just so she could hear.

They sat and waited until the sea of people died down and finally when the ushers were getting ready to clean the theatre Ben stood and stepped into the isle, holding out his hand for Rey.

"Crowds?" Rey asked as she took his out stretched hand.

"Crowds," he confirmed.

Their hands dropped as soon as they stood in front of each other, neither one of them knowing that to say.

It was finally Ben who broke the silence, "Are you hungry?" He practically blurted out.

Rey almost smirked at his nervousness. "I could eat."

Ben nodded and placed his hand at the small of her back, leading her out of the theatre and onto the street. "There is a little diner around the corner."

They were a block into their walk before Rey spoke, "So theatre?"

"Yeah…" Ben rubbed at the back of his neck, "McQuarrie, my therapist, suggested that I find an outlet for feelings, thoughts…emotions that I didn't know how to express. I'm not brave enough to act myself, so watching other play their parts, telling someone else's story, expressing emotions that are not their own…is calming."

"Makes sense," Rey almost said to herself but further explained when Ben looked down at her and pinched his brows together. "Between visiting military hospitals and then helping with some compensation cases, I did quite a bit of reading about post-traumatic…" her voice faded as she saw his jaw twitch in discomfort.

"What did you read?" His voice almost came out between gritted teeth. Although a large part of him appreciated that she partly understood his… affiliation as his mother called it, the more defensive side of him that had just shown itself, hated when he was recited facts and statistics.

They had reached the diner and Rey stopped them just outside the door, "That traumatic memories are stored differently in the brain and expressive therapies often help the sufferer to process those memories." Rey's eyebrows pinched together as she studied his face.

"Sufferer…" Ben scoffed at her words. "I don't need your pity Rey." He was starting to think that this was a mistake and there was a reason that he never opened up to anyone about what had happened to him.

"I don't pity you Ben," she reached out and lightly touched his arm. "I understand you."

Her eyes pleaded with him but he pull his arm away from her touch, "You understand?" The slight upturn of his lips and his tone was mocking.

Rey knew that when he had laid out his entire life to her and she has given him nothing in return that it would come down to this. "Ben, please come inside. I haven't been fair to you."

He was now intrigued and just before he followed her into the brightly lit diner, he lifted his face to the sky and heaved out a large sigh, attempting to relax his temper.

They were taken to a booth off to the left side of the diner and Rey took the seat that placed her back to the door. Ben slid in across from her and his eyes flicked up to once again assess the entrances and exits of the building. Rey recognized the behavior from her father.

A waitress came around and they both ordered burgers and fries. Rey also got a chocolate milkshake and Ben ordered tea.

Rey began to pick at her napkin, "I first want to apologize for how I reacted the other night…" she only lifted her gaze to meet his at the end of her sentence.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for."

"I do. I was practically a stranger and you told me so much about your life, things that I'm sure you don't just tell anyone."

"You're not just anyone…"

"I am less. Like I said before, I am nothing…a nobody that was allowed to take an important name."

"Not to me Rey. You are not nothing…not to me."

"You don't know me."

"But I want to," Ben reached out and took both of her hands in his, stopping her constant ripping of her paper napkin.

He only released her when their food arrived and the waitress set a plate in front of each of them. Ben found it refreshing to watch her take two large bites of her burger and shove a few fried into her mouth. Jessa lived on salads and rice cakes.

"I was born in Jacksonville…or so I am told," she started her story, only glancing up to gauge his interest. He was quiet, dipping his fries in ketchup, and his focus was completely on her.

"For most of my life, I was Rey Beckett. My parents…my birth parents that is, moved around a lot. Some times we would get a place and my father would find work for a few weeks, but most of the time we slept in this old beat up pick-up truck."

She chewed another bite and took a sip of the milkshake. "We criss crossed the state of Florida. I think once we even ended up in Alabama. My parents would collect junk that people were throwing out on the curb and sell it for scrap, usually only getting enough money for gas and liquor.

"I remember having to entertain myself in the small space behind the bench seat of the truck while my parents drank and passed out for the night."

Ben thought about the many times that he had to be picked from school for fighting and he would have to sit, unmoved in the corner of his mother's office while she went about her business. The great Organa had been so embarrassed by her son that she would treat him like a potted plant or hatstand, never acknowledging that her boy stood in the room, bloody after defending his father's name.

"I was almost five years old when we were moving along the Panhandle. I was so excited about starting school because it would mean that we would stay in one place, that perhaps I could have friends."

"It must have been lonely." Ben was also an only child and with a father who was always gone and a mother who had better things to do, it was a very lonely childhood.

Rey dipped a fry into her chocolate milkshake and Ben pulled a face, "You've never tried it?" Rey asked in a more light hearted tone, effectively not answering his question.

"Can't say that I have…"

Rey dipped another fry and held it out to him. "Trust me," Rey reassured as he opened his mouth and she placed the concoction on his tongue. His expression went from concerned to surprised.

"Wouldn't be my first choice, but not bad."

"Must be a southern thing," Rey mused with a shrug, thankful for the small reprieve from her story. "Where was I?"

"You were going to start school…" Ben answered, having absorbed every word she spoke.

"Right…" Rey dipped another fry. "I guess my parents had no intention to settle down so one day we stopped at a McDonalds right off the highway. I ate my Happy Meal and was sent out to the playground. When I came back into the restaurant they were gone."

Ben wanted to throw the table from between them and hold the amazing and precious woman who sat before him. Yes, his parents had acted like they didn't want him until he became useful, but he was never completely thrown away.

"The people that worked at the restaurant were kind, gave me a hot fudge sundae while they called the police and child protective services."

He knew that he didn't have the right to tell her that his trauma was worse than hers, but many nights when he closed his eyes and saw his friends blown to pieces or bleeding out at his feet, he didn't think she could ever possibly understand.

"I was in sixteen foster homes before I ended up with Millie and Obi. Some of the homes were better than others." She picked at her food. "The Plutt's though…I was there for six months and if we didn't do our chores, we didn't eat. Sometimes I would go hungry just on principle. They told the state they were home schooling us but I didn't know how to read or write until I was eight."

Ben's eyes went large. With each piece of her tale, he was more and more impressed with her accomplishments. He almost felt ashamed of taking his privilege for granted. While his parents were not the most loving or attentive, he was given every possible opportunity to succeed.

Rey polished off her burger, taking her thumb into her mouth to rid it of a drip of ketchup. "I know what you are thinking.."

"Do you?" He tilted his head to the side and squinted an eye at her.

"How can the pitiful ordeal of a foster kid measure up to what any solider goes through during war…"

"I wasn't thinking that," Ben lied and had to look down at the table so that she couldn't see it in his eyes.

A knowing smile ghosted on her lips but she didn't make any other accusations, "I didn't unpack for a year when I was with the Kenobi's. All of my belongings fit into a black trash bag. I woke up each morning and sat on my bed holding that trash bag just waiting for Millie to come tell me that it was time to move on. I couldn't understand why people so kind would want me to stay."

"I'm sorry Rey…" he didn't know what else to say.

"I don't need your pity Ben," she replied with a smile.

He opened his mouth to respond, his lips hung open for just a moment before he pressed them into a thin line, "Fair enough."

"We've all been through shit Ben. I've had more time to deal with my black trash bag full of separation anxiety, abandonment issues, depression, and self-doubt." Rey was looking down at her almost empty milk shake, stabbing her straw into the glob of whipped cream at the bottom.

"I guess I haven't made it all the way through my rucksack of issues…" he smiled down at the table.

"Oh, trust me," Rey pointed a lone fry at him. "I have hardly worked through all of my issues. Hell if it wasn't for you I would mostly be curled up with a tub of Ben and Jerry's crying my eyes out," she scoffed.

Ben narrowed his eyes at her, "What do you mean…if it wasn't for me?"

Rey looked up at the waitress that dropped off the check and she started to fish around in her small cross body bag. Ben started to reach out for the ticket and Rey lightly slapped her hand down over his, "You bought my Chinese. Let me get the burgers."

He nodded but looked down at their hands as she slid her fingers across his and pulled the check towards her.

They walked out of the diner in silence. "What did you mean back there?"

He wasn't going to let her get away with the comment and she sighed and reached out her hand, threading her fingers with his, "The night before we…" she swallowed, "…met, I had just broken up with the guy I had been dating for years. We were out for our anniversary and while I thought he was going to propose, I actually found out that he was sleeping with his assistant."

"So I was meant to be your one night stand rebound?" He wanted to kick himself each time he pulled away from her. He stopped in his tracks and her hand slipped form his before she also stopped a few pacing in front of him. "So I am just some distraction?"

"No!" Rey said defensively, but her determined expression fell. "Well kind of…"

"Great!" Ben said with sarcasm, throwing his arms in the air.

Rey reached out to him again, grabbing his large hand on it's down swing, "Ben, look at me." His lips hardened into a line but then fell to a pout as her hazel eyes pleaded with him. "I like you…more than I should. I can't help how and when we met. I won't deny that you have distracted me from the gut wrenching hurt of once again being not good enough for someone."

She looked down at their entwined hands, "You like me?" Ben squeezed at her hand to try and get her to look at him again.

"Yes you idiot!" Rey laughed as her emotions started to betray her and tears formed in her eyes.

A warm smile spread on his face as he looked down at her but it fell when he saw her glassy eyes, "Then what's wrong?"

Starting to walk again, Ben took a few large steps to catch up and walk next to her. "This time last week I thought that I would be getting engaged," she held out her left hand and glared at the naked ring finger. "Then Saturday happened…and Monday happened."

"Saturday wasn't so bad," Ben smirked, taking the left hand that she had been so offended by and lacing his fingers with hers.

Rey looked over at him, a blush coloring her cheeks. "No it wasn't, but why couldn't we have met when things weren't so complicated?"

Ben sighed, having thought the same thing so many times. "You still would have been Jessa's attorney and we both would have been right out of serious relationships. I think it was now of never."

"Ugh!" Rey grunted. "Jessa," she said the name like a curse word.

Ben had to laugh, "What of her?"

"If she were to round that next corner and see us like this," Rey held up their still joined hands. "How do you think that would go over?"

"Not well," Ben looked down at his feet as they slightly turned in with each step. He knew Rey was right and it was the same thing that both Hux and McQuarrie have been telling him, but he didn't care enough to let her go. "I asked Hux if she could come back…"

"You talked to Hux about us?" Rey's eyes went wide, wanting to put her face in her hands.

"I had to consult my lawyer since I wasn't planning on just giving up on us," he literally held on to her hand tighter. "What's the deal with you two anyways?"

They were now approaching Rey's building. "We were set up on a blind date once. I don't know how you are friends with him. He's horrible!"

"Wow," Ben said with a smile. "You really do have bad luck with guys."

"Shut it Solo," Rey bantered back with a smirk.

Ben stepped closer to her, "You deserve so much more than your ex and definitely more than Hux."

"And you think you are the man for the job?"

Ben breathed out a small laugh, "Not a chance. Have you been listening? I'm a fucking mess but I'm also selfish and want you."

A smile that didn't quite match the longing look in her eyes ghosted on her lips before she looked down at the sidewalk between them.

"Rey," he said her name with conviction, tilting her chin up. "You are worth so much more than some asshole fucking his assistant. You are smart, funny, beautify, and above all worthy of loyalty whether it is from me or…" the next words came out through gritted teeth, "someone else."

Her tears now betrayed her and they spilled down her cheeks. While in public she had held herself together, the picture of composure and professionalism, but the five year old Rey still pounded in her mind, reminding her how unwanted and unloved she truly was.

Ben watched her eyes glaze, with that far off look that he often caught himself in when he was thinking back to that day in the hot desert. "You are not alone," his voice was calm.

Rey's focus returned and she looked up onto his extremely open and vulnerable expression, "Neither are you," was her simple rely as she reached up, threading a hand into his dark hair and pulling his mouth to hers.

* * *

**AN: I love writing this story. Thank you to my awesome readers for all the support. The Faves and Follows are amazing! Your feedback and comments makes my heart sing and my finger type faster.**

**Chapter Title Song: Illenium - Fractures**

 

 


	10. Breathe

**RBreathe**

Ben and Rey didn't take it beyond a few lingering kisses on her doorstep. He promised to call and she agreed with a smile.

Rey went to bed that night trying not to overthink what she had just gotten her self into. She tried not to think about how this could effect her career. She tried not to think about what her family would think of the relationship…what his family would think. She defiantly tried not to think about how she wished he would have followed her up to her apartment and she did not think about his large hands running over her body.

She shook her head in an attempt to rid her mind of him. Instead she picked up the novel that she was trying to get through over the past few weeks. Of course the boy meets girl plot did nothing to make her heart ache less.

The next morning Rey checked her phone perhaps ten times expecting at least a text form him, but nothing. Sighing, she put on some workout clothes and started her jog east past the Square.

"Hey Rey! Long time no see!"

Rey was breathing hard when she entered the building. "Jyn! Sorry I haven't been in all week…I've been _distracted_ ," she smiled at the word that had so offended Ben the night before.

"Oh! Did Brent pop the question?" The small woman with dark brown hair walked towards a white board and started to write the work out.

The smirk fell from Rey's face at the mention of her ex. She brought him to the gym once and quickly found out that she could deadlift a lot more than he could. He had been upset with her for days for emasculating him, as if that was her intent.

After that she would intentionally run slower than him on their jogs or ask him to move a piece of furniture that she was perfectly capable of doing herself. In this moment she realized how much she had changed herself…lost herself while being with him.

Rey was once again thankful that she was helped out of that relationship. "Nope. I caught his assistant sexting with him and I called the whole thing off."

"Wow. What a douche!" Jyn said over her shoulder before calling the class to order.

Rey missed this. The rawness of her workouts. She never felt alone here, even though she was only competing against herself, she always had people cheering her on, pushing her to do her best. It was the closest she felt to home since leaving Florida.

At the end she was winded, sprawled out on the floor, sweating through her tank top and never felt better with a stupid grin on her face.

She left the gym and spent a few hours walking around an open air market. There were artist, musicians, and people from upstate selling produce and homemade wares. Rey bought an apple and a cut of cheese and sat in the Square watching people mill around.

There were tourists, young people from the university, and men and women from the business district in suits with sneakers. She watched couples laughing and holding hands and her skin heated at the memory of Ben.

For the first time in a while she felt content, not just because of the new excitement of what could come of her budding relationship with Ben, but with her life in general. In her relationship with Brent she had felt almost stifled. The same bar on Tuesday for drinks with his co-workers, the same restaurant on Friday, and take-out and Netflix on Saturdays.

Many times she felt that Brent was jealous of her career. Each time he would introduce her, his friends and colleagues would be impressed that she was an attorney. He would often down play it saying things like, _She's only a divorce lawyer_ or _She's still waiting to make partner._ Rey would force a smile that never reached her eyes and return with a comment about the big client that Brent was able to bring into the firm.

Comparing Brent to Ben was not something she wanted to spend much time on but her mind couldn't help but wonder. She would never think less of someone because of their career choices or education and it would be easy to think of Ben as _just a bartender_ , but he was so much more. He was an Ivy League grad, a Marine, a combat wounded veteran, a business owner, a Organa-Solo, and she laughed to herself at the final label…a prince.

But none of those titles mattered because of the way that she felt when she was with him. She had been more adventurous this past week than she had in years. There was a part of her that wanted to feel like this forever, whether it was with Ben or not, but she would find a way.

Sunday morning Rose showed up on her doorstep with laundry in hand. They took their normal ride down to the basement and started their weekend ritual.

"So…" Rose started, putting a load of her clothes in the machine.

Rey turned around and saw the knowing smirk on her friends face, "Don't look at me like that. You know what you did!"

Rose threw her hands up in the air, "Like I said before, it was a total coincidence running into Mr. Solo at that play."

"And the phone call?" Rey narrowed her eyes at her friend.

"Finn was having a closet emergency."

"I'm sure he was," Rey said skeptically rolling her eyes.

"Well I didn't hear from you all weekend so I figured it went fittingly. Perhaps even a repeat performance from last Saturday?" Rose raised her eyebrows with intrigue.

Rey's cheeks flared red, "Not that it's any of your business, but no, no repeat performance."

"Well that's no fun," Rose pouted. "Why the hell not?"

"Do you really need to ask that?"

Roes's facial expression seemed to say _'Well, yeah'_ as she shrugged her shoulders.

"There are so many reasons why! Like we both just got out of serious relationships, one of those we helped terminate! His family…my family," Rey was ticking off the reasons on her fingers before her arms and shoulders when limp with defeat.

"But…" Rose said fishing for more.

"But we've agreed to see where this thing goes." Rey looked up at her friend who was practically bouncing.

"I can't wait to tell Finn that _Oppression Feather Ruffler_ was a success!"

Rey scoffed and rolled her eyes again.

Rose jumped off the dryer she had been sitting on top of and walked over to Rey, "Look, I know we meddled, but you were so miserable."

"Well I did just break up with my boyfriend. You ever think that maybe that was why?"

"No, it was more than that," Rose bit her lip and shook her head. "Ever since you met Mr. Solo…"

"I think he prefers Ben," Rey interjected. Each time Rose called him Mr. Solo she was reminded that he was the ex-husband of one of their clients.

"Okay," Rose drawled out. "Ever since you met _Ben_ it has been different."

"He makes me feel different," Rey said softly, looking down at her folded hand in her lap. She was finally admitting it to herself, that perhaps this could be something real.

"Do you love him already?" Rose joked, trying to lighten the mood.

Rey blushed and kicked her foot out at Rose, "No, of course not. Don't be ridiculous."

They both started giggling as their wash finished.

* * *

Ben sat in his apartment with his phone in his hands, typing and then retyping out a text to Rey. Each time he deleted the words and then finally he gave up and threw his phone on the coffee table. He sat back on the couch and tried to distract himself with the Stanley Cup final hockey game on TV.

Finally Monday afternoon he picked his phone up again after checking the inventory for the bar.

 ** _Hi_** , he typed simply and hit send. It took a few minutes but he jumped when he heard his phone chime.

_Hey._

He tapped his fingers across the screen of the phone, not hitting any keys, just thinking about what he should type but figured he would get straight to the point.

**_Do you have plans tonight?_ **

_None. What did you have in mind?_

Ben thought about all the different dates he could take her on. The fancy restaurants that Jessa used to make reservations at, the cheesy rides through the Park, or the hip uptown bars. With each scenario his anxiety rose, his mind working too quickly, trying to calculate the pros and cons to each date option.

By the time he came out of his own mind he was squeezing his phone so tightly that he was surprised that he didn't break the glass. His heart was racing and a cold sweat broke out under his black tee-shirt.

**_A run._ **

He typed it out and hit send before he could change his mind. He needed to burn off his energy and wanted to see Rey, figuring he could do both. He was even more surprised when he read her reply.

_Sure. Come around my place at 1730._

Having two hours to kill, Ben went to the market by his bar and picked up some essentials since it could get embarrassing if Rey came over and all he had was beer and mustard in his fridge. This is the first time in almost a year he was making decisions with someone else in mind. Only knowing Rey for a week spiked his anxiety again as he looked at orange juice, wondering if she like pulp or not.

Finally with only thirty minutes before he was to meet up with her, he finished putting away the last of the groceries. He laced up his running shoes and pulled his hair back with an elastic tie. He preferred his hair long so that it covered his ears that stick out too far from his head, but while he was running he always tied it back.

Outside of the bar he went through his stretches, mostly just to waste more time as it was only a ten minute run to Rey's building.

As he rounded the corner he saw her bent over stretching her hamstrings, her small shorts showed off the flexed muscles under creamy skin.

Hung upside down, the palms of her hands pressed to the sidewalk, Rey saw him jog up, "Nice Ranger panties."

Ben looked down at his green shorts that came to his mid thigh, "Ranger panties are black, and these are standard issue."

"Obviously," Rey quipped with a smirk and righted herself. "You gonna stand there all day or are you ready to do this?" She watched his eyes roam over her body before snapping back up to her face.

"You up for this?" He inclined his head towards the north.

"Are you?" With that Rey started off at a steady pace.

Ben quickly caught up and Rey almost cursed at having to take two steps for each of his. She focused on his breathing and tried to match the slow in and out. "How far are we going?"

"I usually do three miles but I need to make a stop on the other side of the Square so it might be a little further." He looked over at her to gauge her reaction, hoping that he wasn't pushing her too much. "Is that okay?" He finally asked.

"You think you were the only kid who had to do PT?"

He smirked and shook his head, still in disbelief how much Rey understood about his life.

They ran down 8th and then south on Broadway and stopped outside of a building that Rey was very familiar with. "What are we doing here?" She questioned.

"I just have to run in and see someone," his breathing was more labored now and he ducked into the building before she could reply.

Rey stood out on the sidewalk for just a moment before following him in. The smell of chalk and sweat hit her and she looked around the gym she had just been in two days earlier. She saw Ben and Jyn talking across the open space. Before she could speak up Ben turned and walked to into a back hallway.

"Rey?" Jyn called out as she saw her friend standing by the door. "We don't have a six o'clock today."

"Oh," Rey stammered. "I'm not here for class…I'm actually here with Ben."

"Ben?"

Rey pointed to the back of the building, "Yeah the guy that just…"

"You mean Kylo."

"Yeah, Kylo." Wanting to roll her eyes, Rey didn't know how Ben kept up with being known by two name. "How do you know each other?"

"He used to come in more often when he first moved to the city, now he just drops in from time to time. But I fill in at the bar when he needs nights off." Jyn started to wipe down the white board with that day's workout. "How do you know him?" She looked over her shoulder at Rey.

"We're kinda seeing each other…" she didn't know how to describe what they were doing but this seemed the most simple way.

Jyn stopped what she was doing and took a few steps towards Rey, lowering her voice almost to a hiss, "He's married."

"Divorced," Rey was again reminded of her part in all of this. "As of last week."

"Oh," Jyn looked down. "I knew he was living at the bar but he didn't tell me it was official." She reached out and grabbed Rey around the wrist. "Be careful with him."

Rey's brows scrunched together, "What do you mean?"

"He has his issues…"

"Don't we all?" Rey wanted to snatch her arm away. Deep down she knew that Jyn was trying to protect either her or Ben from getting hurt, but it wasn't Jyn's place to do so or to disclose any of Ben's history.

"True," Jyn looked embarrassed. "He's one of the good ones but I hope you know what you are getting yourself in to."

Ben walked out with two bottles of water in his hands, "You ready to go?"

Rey smiled up at him but it didn't quite meet her eyes, "Just waiting on you."

He handed her a bottle of water once they were back out on the sidewalk, "So you met Jyn."

"I actually know her." When he looked at her confused, Rey continued. "I've been working out here for two years now."

Ben smiled, shook his head and laughed, "It's amazing that we never ran into each other before last week."

"It's a miracle for sure," Rey exclaimed as she finished her bottle of water.

"How so?"

"Do you think we would have ended up anywhere but here," she motioned between the two of them with her hand, "even if we met years ago."

He rubbed at the back his neck thinking how much worse it could have been if they started an affair back then because he already knew that if he would have met her before he decided to leave Jessa, he wouldn't have been able to stay away from Rey.

"No," he started. "I think it would have started off innocent enough, maybe just partnering up at the gym or going out for drinks as a group, but you are right. We would always end up here."

Rey stopped in the middle of the sidewalk and Ben noticed after a few paces, turning and walked back to her, "Are you alright?" He reached out his hands and placed them on her shoulders thinking something was wrong.

"I'm perfect," she fisted his sweat covered shirt and pulled him down to her lips, kissing him for just a moment before starting back on her run, leaving him in a stupor for a beat before he took off after her.

"You play dirty Kenobi," he called out after her.

He again caught up to her with ease and they finished his normal circuit with just an extra half a mile for his pit stop. At her doorstep he offered another quick kiss before he jogged off back towards his apartment.

Rey was enjoying these little encounters. They may have started their relationship by jumping into bed with each other, but now they were doing it right.

They texted throughout the week, just little comments and jokes. Rose and Finn would exchange knowing looks when Rey would be captivated by her phone with a smile plastered on her face.

The week was nearing it's end and she had not seen him since Monday. She understood their schedules didn't really make for a lot of time together, she worked days and he worked nights, but she always received a **_Good night_** text from him around ten o'clock.

It was Thursday night and she was itching for more than just a text from him, so she threw on a pair of jeans and a comfortable tee before heading out to the street. The few blocks walk did her well and she tired to think of an excuse for turning up at his bar.

When she was finally outside with the _Den of Ren_ sign hanging overhead, she smirked, realizing that she didn't need an excuse for wanting to see Ben, and she doubted he would mind.

The bar had a different atmosphere than when she was here on a Saturday. Most of the crowd was from the university and the music was more indie with a live band playing. She made her way to the bar and easily found a seat.

The other bartender, Mitaka was the only one manning the bar and Rey frowned since in his earlier text Ben said that he was working tonight. Thoughts started to run through her mind, unkind thoughts of Ben lying to her and really being out with another woman. She started to feel foolish for coming to bar at all without letting him know first.

Mitaka approached her and set a red cocktail napkin on the bar top, "What can I get you?"

Rey needed to get out of her head and the band was kind of good, so she decided to stay for a drink. "Amaretto and cream, please."

"Why don't you just make it an Orgasm?" Came a slurred voice next to her.

"Excuse me?" Rey asked with annoyance looking at the clearly drunk college kid taking up the bar stool next to her.

"Your drink…add a little more alcohol and you got yourself an Orgasm."

"If this is your idea of a pick up line, I can tell you with certainty that you are barking up the wrong tree." Rey toyed with the black straw that was sticking out of the tumbler that the bartender set in front of her.

College kid got a cocky smirk on his face, always enjoying the ones with a little bit of spunk. "And why's that?" He leaned on the bar and shifted slightly into her space.

"Because she's mine," Ben's voice was strained between gritted teeth.

* * *

**AN: Work, depression, and compassion fatigue are not friends of a writer. Sorry for the longer wait, I've only wanted to sleep this past week. I hope to get the next chapter out soon since it is already written in my head.**

**Thank you for the ongoing support and love. It means so much to me.**

**Chapter Title Song: Astrid S - Breathe - Breathe**

 

 

 

 

 

 


	11. Force of Nature

**Force of Nature**

His deep voice startled her and normally she would be slightly miffed by his possessive tone and words, but in this moment she was very pleased to see him. She watched with amusement as the college kid's eyes went large and he took his drink mumbling, _Apologies Ren_ as he slinked back out into the crowd.

"I can handle myself," Rey said with a light tone.

"I know you can, but I like to mess with Travis whenever I get the chance." Ben smiled over at her and he leaned down, placing his elbows on the bar top.

Rey pushed up on her bar stool closing the distance between them and kissed his waiting lips.

"Hey Ren!" Came a woman's voice from down the bar. "I thought you said that there was no way to get free drinks."

Ben smiled into his kiss with Rey before turning to the group of girls a few seats down. "There's not. Your daddy's credit card better clear tonight."

The blonde pouted before turning back to her friends.

"How often do your customers try to get ' _free drinks_ '?" Rey placed air quotes around the words assuming that more than a kiss had been offered in the past.

"More often than I'm willing to admit," he ducked his head with an embarrassed look but continued in a hurry when he saw her defensive expression. "But as you know…" his eyes brows rose hoping that she would remember their prior conversation, "I've never cheated on Jessa…"

"Until me," Rey finished for him, ever the reminder that she was the 'other woman'.

"I so wish we met after the divorce."

"Me too," Rey turned her glass around on the cocktail napkin. Even though a large part of her wanted to completely trust him and think that he would never do to her what he did to Jessa, he slept with her while he was still married and nothing could change that fact.

An awkward pause shifted between them before Mitaka called out, "Ren, I could use a hand down here."

Ben looked down the bar and since the band was between sets the crowd had converged on the sole bartender. "I have to get back to work. Will you hang out for a bit?" His eyes were hopeful.

Rey nodded, taking another sip of her drink. She watched him work, pulling out beers and twisted liquor bottles, pouring drinks with flair. His arms flexed under the tight sleeves of his bar tee and she chewed on the straw from her now empty drink.

The band came back on after a ten minute break and she was actually enjoying the music. Mitaka set another amaretto and cream down in front of her. "Complements of the owner," he had said with a wink and cheeky grin. When Rey looked up at Ben his face looked slightly flushed, but who could really tell in this lighting.

By eleven o'clock Rey was checking her watch. She still had to be at her office by eight the next morning and she usually didn't stay out this late on a work night.

Ben had made it a habit to work on the side of the bar that she was sitting at and he was able to chat with her between serving other customers. She enjoyed watching him work. He was confident behind the bar, charismatic even, somewhere between flirty and mysterious, which she was sure made him a fair share of tips throughout the night.

It became obvious why woman were drawn to him but with each new advance he nicely told them that he was not interested.

Rey looked at her watch again, "I think I'm going to head out. I have work in the morning."

Ben turned to his partner and Mitaka nodded throwing a bar towel over his shoulder, "Just be back by midnight. So either make it a quickie or avoid any funny business."

A blush spread all the way down Rey's chest. When Ben rounded the bar and placed his hand at her back she turned to him, "You told him?"

"He assumed…I've never done more than call a girl a cab from the bar, let alone walk one home and then stay for an hour."

They walked in comfortable silence, her arm linked through his. She eventually jabbered about some of her upcoming cases and Ben just tried to gather the courage he needed.

"Ten minutes to spare," Rey said looking at her watch again. "Do you want to come up for a minute?"

Every cell in his body was screaming yes, but instead he said, "No, I better be getting back."

"Ok, well good night then," Rey reached up to give him a simple kiss which he was all too willing to return.

"Thank you for coming to see me tonight."

Rey smiled up at him, "I had fun."

They stood on her stoop for a beat longer before Rey gave him another peck before turning for her building's entrance.

"Rey," he called out as she was just about to slip through the door.

"Yeah?"

"I want you to join me…" his voice almost cracked with nervousness.

"For what?" She asked when he paused and looked down at the gum stained side walk.

"I'm going out of the city this weekend and I would like for you to join me…please."

His face wore an expression of expected disappointment and Rey didn't want to make him wait long for her answer, "Yes, I would love to."

The smile that he wore was beyond what she could handle and her heart swelled with his happiness.

"I'll text you tomorrow with the details and pick you up Saturday morning."

"I look forward to it," Rey bit her lip, still standing in the half open door.

In a quick movement, Ben scaled the four steps leading up to her building and planted another firm kiss on her lips, "Sleep well."

Rey touched her lips and laughed as she watched him jog back down the street, "Good night Ben!" She called out after him and she could have sworn that she saw a skip in his step.

* * *

The only hints that Ben had sent her about their trip was that she needed to wear jeans and boots, so she assumed that they were just taking a day trip out of the city. He was set to come to her apartment around seven that morning to try an avoid heavy traffic of others attempting to escape for the weekend.

Rey pulled out a pair of Doc Martins that she had since high school and polished the dust off of them. She threw a few extra things into a slightly oversized purse and then made one more trip around her apartment to make sure that everything was turned off or unplugged.

At the sound of her phone signaling a text alert, she jumped and saw that Ben was waiting down stairs for her. She grabbed her things and being too excited to wait for the elevator, she trotted down the stairs.

"What's this?" Rey questioned as she came out onto the street.

Ben was leaned up against a black motorcycle. He had purchased it shortly after buying the bar. He could easily keep it in the back store room and not have to pay to park it somewhere in the city. Although he usually walked or took the subway, it was nice to have a way out of the city when he started to feel overwhelmed.

"This is my TIE Silencer and our mode of transportation for the day." He patted the black leather seat. It wasn't a speed bike or a larger cruiser, but something sleek that took hints from more vintage bike designs. He had all of the chrome re-dipped in gunmetal to give it a darker look.

Rey was not one to shy away from a challenge or avoid trying something new but she had never been on a motorcycle before. The way people drove in the city and also in her hometown, her mother always called them death wishes. Now she understood the need for jeans and boots.

He walked towards her and cradled her face in his hands, bringing her in for a kiss, "You ready?"

She just nodded as they walked back over to the bike. Ben pulled a black leather jacket out of the lone saddle bag. "You come prepared."

Ben's face held a mix between hesitation and regret, "Total transparency here…"

"Yes?"

"This was Jessa's jacket…"

"What?" Rey put her hands on her hips.

"She never wore it," he rushed out and held out his hands as if it could prevent her from overreacting. "I bought it for her in the hopes that she would try to get interested in one of my hobbies, but she never did. It has been in the closet at the bar for years."

Rey hadn't expected him to go out and get her a new jacket in the two days since he asked her on the trip and he was being thoughtful enough about her safety, so she just exhaled a large sigh and allowed him to help her into the jacket.

His posture relaxed and he watched her zip the front of the jacket up. Taking her purse, he tucked it away in the now empty saddle bag and handed her the extra helmet that was strapped to the second rider's seat.

She watched him pick up his own helmet that was more detailed that hers. There was areas of gloss and matte black with worn silver trim around the front opening where the tinted visor came down to shielded his eyes. She thought that if she didn't know the completely lovable face under the mask, that he would look rather menacing in his helmet.

He threw his long leg over the bike and settled into the seat, "You coming?" He called out to her.

Stretching up on her tip-toes, she was able to straddle the bike and maneuver herself comfortably behind him. She jumped as he kicked the machine to life and she wrapped her hands around his middle.

It took them over thirty minutes to get out of the city and cross the river. Ben merged with ease onto the 9W and he pulled back on the throttle, coming up to speed on the interstate. Rey gripped onto him tighter and once he shifted into the top gear he moved his left hand from the handlebars and gave her thigh a reassuring squeeze.

Once she got used to the rumble of the road and the close to seventy mile an hour winds, Rey was able to relax and take in the scenery. Once off the island everything became more green. Maple trees lined the highway and she had almost forgotten that the world could be more than just skyscrapers and pavement.

It was another thirty minutes before they passed a sign listing the upcoming exits and she leaned up over his shoulder, "You're taking me into the den of the enemy?"

He just chuckled and sped up past the sign that gave directions to West Point Military Academy.

They exited at Highland Falls and he wove the bike up tree lined mountain roads as the sky darkened and rolls of thunder echoed. He sped up again, trying to outrun the storm.

By the time they were creeping up the gravel driveway they were both soaked to the bone. Ben drove around to the covered carport at the rear of the home, shifting his foot out to extend the kickstand and shut down the bike.

Rey's teeth were already chattering, her jeans molded to her legs and the leather jacket heavy with water.

"Let's get inside," Ben said as he slipped off his helmet.

He walked up to the back door of what looked like a vacation cabin as all the windows were dark. Typing a code into a box by the door he signed in relief that his code still worked and he was able to pull out the key housed within.

"Who's house is this?" Rey asked, now wrapping her arms around her chest due to the chill that still ran through her.

"My mother's," Ben answered simply using the key to open the locks on the door and ushered her into the home.

"Your mother's?" Rey questioned, refusing to cross the threshold.

"She's never here," Ben tried to reassure her and truthfully he had no intention in having any interaction with the General. "Only stays here when she has business at West Point."

Finally nodding her head, Rey walked into the darkened house. The back door entered into a small laundry room and the storm still continued with pelting rain.

"Strip," Ben instructed, flipping a switch by the door that turned on the over head light.

"What?" Rey asked with large eyes.

He pointed to the dryer, "Unless you want to stay in your wet clothes…"

Again Rey just nodded and he helped her pull off the wet leather jacket and he hung it on a peg in the wall next to his shed riding jacket. Next she pulled her shirt over her head, unsure why she was feeling self-conscious, since he had already seen her naked.

Ben reached behind his head and one handedly pulled off his shirt as well, throwing it into the open dryer. He moved to the button of his jeans and they fell to the ground from the weight of the water that hung in the denim fabric.

Rey pulled at the button of her jeans and then squealed as Ben grabbed her hips and sat her on top of the washer, settling between her legs and kissing her. When he finally allowed her to come up for air, Rey laughed, "What was that for?"

"I couldn't help myself," Ben smiled as he worked at the laces of her boots, letting them fall to the floor before he grabbed the waist of her jeans and pulled the tight fabric down her legs. Pushing a few buttons, he set the dryer to Auto and looked back over to Rey.

Her teeth had started to chatter again and he grabbed her hand, pulling her off the washer and leading her further into the house.

The laundry room led into the kitchen which was a perfect mix of rustic and modern. Beyond that was a living area that extended up two floors and had exposed beams and cedar boards lining the A-line roof. There was a balcony spanning each side of the living area on the second floor and a single open railing stair case.

Ben continued to pull her through the house and up the stairs, down one side of the balcony and towards a door at the far side of the second story. Behind the door was a rustic looking bedroom with a raw wood four post bed and what appeared to be a handcrafted quilt.

He didn't stop in the room but kept moving towards another door, which led to a bathroom. Ben released her hand long enough to open a glass door and start to run the shower. "There's fresh towels in that cabinet," he said turning for the door.

Rey bit her lip having watched him pace through the entire house in just his boxer briefs. Now it was her turn to reach out her hand and grab on to him.

Turning back when her cold fingers wrapped around his wrist he saw her lower lip pop out from between her teeth as a coy smile graced her mouth. "Oh," he said with surprise seeing the lust fill her eyes.

He had figured that since they had decided to start a real relationship that they would take things slow. Just because they had already slept together didn't mean that he would expect it to happen again any time soon. He would take it at whatever speed that Rey set, but as the steam from the shower started to fill the bathroom he could see exactly what she wanted.

They each undressed themselves the rest of the way, their soaked underthings left on the white tile floor as Rey pulled him into the shower behind her.

The water started to warm her but it was his touch that set her on fire. His large hands ran over her slight curves and the cascade made his hair stick to the side of his face as he looked down over her body.

He finally kissed her and Rey wrapped her arms around his neck, going up on her tip toes and trying to pull herself up his body to get a better purchase on his lips. Ben finally grabbed at the back of her thighs and pulled her small body up his.

Rey hissed as his already firm cock rubbed between her legs. As they continued to kiss, panting into each other's mouths, she ground her hips against him, moaning at the slick friction.

Ben didn't know how long he could manage her rubbing on him like this, so he backed up a step, sitting on the cool tile covered bench in the corner of the shower. Rey had no issue shifting her body up his, and with a few downward movements of her hips, he was being plunged into her heat.

She rode him in the steam filled shower. His calloused hands ran over her smooth skin and she pulled at his hair attempting to find his lips again.

When Rey's movements started to find a quicker pace, Ben watched her face with rapt interest and he held onto her hips helping her find the depth and friction that she was begging for. Within minutes she was clenched around him and clawing at his back.

Allowing her a moment to regain her breathing, he stood and placed her on her feet, slipping out of her and she moaned with disappointment, "We're not done yet my dear." He turn her around and Rey bent slightly, placing her hands on the bench as he slid up behind her.

He wrapped his arms around her torso and thrust into her, gaining pleasure filled cries and moans before he had to pull out and spill onto the tile floor. After he made sure that she was steady on her feet, he quickly cleaned himself before giving her some privacy.

Rey toweled off the best she could and then went out into the bedroom seeing Ben standing in front of open closet doors.

"Do you prefer one of my dad's tee-shirts or my mother's dress blouse?" He held up a West Point football tee-shirt and a perfectly pressed white dress shirt.

She almost wanted to feel sick at the idea of wearing any part of his mother's dress uniform, "You put me in an impossible situation, but you know I would never be caught dead in the General's dress."

Ben chuckled, knowing that he had given her no win choices.

As she slid the gray and black shirt over hear head she scolded him, "If you ever meet my dad, please don't tell him that I ever wore this…I might be disowned." She looked down at the towel wrapped around his waist, "What about you?"

He smirked, "I have no problem being naked, but I figured that you would be more comfortable wearing something."

Rey rolled her eyes at him as she watch him lay down on the bed, still only with the towel on. "I'm going to go throw my underwear in with the other clothes in the dryer." She went to the bathroom and collected all of their underthings and then walked back through the house.

When she was down stairs she popped the items in the dryer and then padded out to the carport to grab her purse out of the motorcycle's saddle bag. As she climbed the two stairs from the driveway to the home she realized how sore her bottom was from riding on the bike in from the city.

"Can you grab a water from the kitchen?" Ben called from across the house.

She checked the fridge first and saw some bottled waters and grabbed two. As she walked out of the kitchen she called back up, "I can't believe how much my ass hurts from riding that thing…"

Stopping at the bottom of the stairs she heard a noise off to her left. Turning to see if the storm picking back up, the blood ran from her face, "Mother fucker…" she cursed under her breath.

"I prefer General Organa or ma'am."

* * *

**AN: I have been wanting to write this chapter for a while now and we are finally here. Please take the time to leave me a note about what you think. Your kind words keep me going.**

**Life Update: We had to let our sweet old dog cross the rainbow bridge this past Monday and my heart is broken. Writing helps me escape.**

**Chapter Title Song: Bea Miller - Force of Nature**

 

 


	12. More Than You Know

 

**More Than You Know**

Rey wanted to die.

She wanted a sarlacc pit to open beneath her feet and swallow her whole. She was standing in General Organa's home in nothing but one of Han Solo's shirts.

"So which college bar did my scoundrel of a husband pick you up in?" The General threw a garment bag over a chair on the other side of the living room and cocked her hand onto her hip.

Rey lost the ability to think, "Your husband…" she repeated dumbly.

"Yeah, about this tall," the elder woman held her hand up above her head. "Graying hair, and by the looks of it, completely too old for you."

Finally remembering who she was talking to, Rey stood up straight and held her arms ramrod straight at her sides, mostly to keep the shirt from riding up and flashing her lady bits but also out of respect for the woman's rank.

"Are you coming back to bed?" As Ben's voice rang out from the second floor, both women turned their heads towards the balcony.

"Ben?" Leia's voice carried.

He was now leaning up against the railing of the balcony, "Mother?"

Still clad in just a towel wrapped around his waist, he moved towards the stairs and looked down at Rey. "At ease," he said sarcastically to her as he came up behind and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

Rey relaxed only slightly but still stood at attention.

"What are you doing here?" Ben asked his mother.

"This is my house and I have meetings at West Point and Drum." Leia answered matter of factly. "What are you doing here? Where is Jessa? And who is this?" She pointed an accusatory finger at the brunette still standing stock still.

Ben decided to answer the more pressing question first. "Jessa and I are divorced…"

"When did that happen?" Leia's expression was between shock and anger.

"Over a week ago." Be answered simply.

"And you just decided to bring another girl," Leia's disapproving gaze traveled from the girls bare legs up to the sex rumpled hair, "up to our family home?"

"You weren't supposed to be here," Ben said through gritted teeth.

The buzzer on the dryer sounded and gained everyone's attention. "I'm going to go get that," Rey said in a quiet voice, more to herself than to the others standing in the room. As she walked into the kitchen she could still hear the low hissing voices of Ben and his mother.

"You have been divorced for a week and you bring some home wrecker up to my cabin?" Leia was not trying to be quiet at all.

Ben walked across the living room so that he wouldn't be yelling like his mother was, "Jessa and I have been separated for almost a year, this shouldn't be a surprise to you."

Leia eyed her son over, "She didn't tell me that you were separated and maybe if you picked up your phone from time to time I would have known what was going on."

"I didn't think it was any of your business," Ben answered coolly. "And anyways, you and dad didn't tell me when you separated."

"That is because you were still recovering and we didn't want to add to your stress," she looked offended that her son would even question her motives.

Ben stood still and quiet for a moment, letting his mother think about her words.

"Oh...oh goodness Ben." She threw her fingers over her lips, "I completely forgot."

"I needed to get out of the city," Ben confirmed.

"Your anniversary...of course. But why bring the girl?"

"She's special mother..."

"She knows?"

"She knows everything," he confirmed with a nod of his head.

"Everything?" Leia was almost hurt as she too was unsure of some of her son's past. There are somethings that are just not put into briefing reports.

"Rey is..." Ben started but was not able to finish.

While checking the clothes in the dryer, Rey had slipped back into her jeans and had been standing just inside the kitchen listing to the exchange between mother and son. When she heard her name she was snapped back to attention and she made the quick decision to not allow Ben to tell the General her family connection.

"Rey Beckett," she said as she walked back into the living room and held out her hand. "It's an honor to meet you General."

Ben looked down at his girl wondering why she had given her birth name. For all intents and purposes, his mother would have loved the fact that he had found himself a woman from another prominent family, someone who knew the life. But for some reason Rey had wanted to hide her identity and he also could understand that, for he too had changed his name to escape his family.

"At least she is polite," Leia took the girl's hand but looked at Ben as she spoke.

"She's also standing right in front of you," Ben chastised his mother.

Leia finally met the young woman's eyes, "It's nice of you to keep Ben _company_ on his anniversary."

Rey tried to do the math in her head, Ben had told her that he married Jessa in the fall, so she was trying to place the significance of the date.

"It's my injury date," Ben said lowly.

"Oh," Rey said in the same quiet tone that Ben had used. "Seven years?" When he nodded his head in agreement she spoke again, "I'm sure this is not an easy time for you, but thank you for sharing it with me."

"You being here makes it not so bad," Ben smiled down at her.

Leia cleared her throat and watched the girl blush up to her hair line, "You have told her everything..." she mused.

"Everything," Ben again confirmed.

From there the General didn't know what to say. Her son looked happy which is more than she could say since the last time that she saw him. When Ben returned from war, Leia thought it would be best to get him back into as normal and stable of a life as possible. So she had pushed him to marry Jessa, bought them a quaint house in the same town in Virginia that she lived in, and encouraged them to start a family. She ignored the fact that often Ben would shut himself away in the house and only Jessa came out to family gatherings. Or how Jessa would call in tears because Ben had been drinking and threw a vase across the living room again.

She ignored the frantic calls on New Years when Ben had locked himself in a closet to hide from the booming sounds of fire works. She even ignored the dead look in her son's eyes whenever she would try to talk to him about his time in service.

General Organa had ignored the fact that her own son was struggling with returning to civilian life. She told Jessa to just hang in there and things would get better. She urged them again and again to start a family, reassuring Jessa that Ben would love her once more when they had a baby.

She had done everything wrong and she knew it. But it was easier for her to take the compassion from her colleagues and tell them that everything was just fine and not have to fess up to her son being damaged goods.

So while her son's divorce was not a complete shock, the new woman standing next to him was. But being the ever stable professional, Leia decided to keep her cool and assess if this...Rey woman was good enough for her son.

"I was planning on staying the night and then heading to Drum in the morning," Leia said as she again picked up her garment bag.

Ben peered out of the windows behind his mother and saw that it was still raining, "We rode the bike so we are stuck here until the rain lets up."

The front door opened again and a blonde woman also in uniform stood there a moment, shaking out her umbrella. "Ma'am, I brought the rest of your things in from the car."

"Thank you, Kaydel." The General answered shifted.

Kaydel had served as an assistant to the General for years now. Wherever Leia was, so was the young Captain, so it wasn't surprising that they were expecting another house guest. "Oh..." Kaydel squeaked in surprise looking up from the bags she had just deposited on the floor. "Ben...what are you doing...uh...I haven't seen you in what is it..."

"Six years. Since the wedding." Ben answered.

Rey watched the Captain blush and eye Ben's naked torso. She quickly ducked back into the kitchen and picked up the stack of Ben's dry clothes off of the counter top and brought them to him, "Why don't you go get dressed," she looked down at the towel that was still slung low on his hips.

He looked down at her, asking with his expression if she would be alright by herself for a moment. "I'm fine," she reassured him. "I'm going to find us something to eat." Ben nodded and then walked back upstairs to dress.

Rey stood awkwardly under the gaze of the two officers before stammering out something about going to the kitchen. Not knowing where anything was, she started to randomly open draws and cabinets. She attempted to listen to the soft command that the General was giving to the blonde but was unable to make out the words.

Opening the fridge she was thankful to see some fresher ingredients within.

"I have the house stocked when I intend to stay here."

Rey jumped at the General's voice, but continued to pull items out of the fridge. She heard the sound of one of the bar stools being pulled out and then a shifting of fabric. Rey knew that she was going to have an audience.

"Rey, correct?" Leia had only been half listening during the introductions.

"Yes ma'am. Rey Beckett," she lied again but did turn to face the older woman when addressed.

Leia took this moment to look Rey up and down. The young woman was slight, having the frame of a pre-teen girl. She mused that Rey was the opposite of Jessa's blonde hair and curves. "How did you meet my son, Rey Beckett?"

Rey could tell when she was trying to be intimidated, it was the same tone that other lawyers used towards her when they thought that she was some timid little girl. She also didn't miss the possessiveness of the words _my son_. "We met in his bar."

"Figures," Leia scoffed. If it wasn't her two timing husband picking up woman too young from him in bars, it was her son. "And that was how long ago?"

Ben walked into the kitchen in this moment, "We started dating after the divorce if that is what you are asking." Technically it wasn't a lie. Rey had not committed to try a relationship with him until after the papers were signed and filed.

"You can't blame me for looking out for my daughter in law..."

"Ex-daughter in law," Ben corrected.

"Jessa's a nice girl and I'm sure it would crush her to know that you have moved on so soon."

Rey went about the kitchen pretending to be as invisible as the General made her feel.

"Jessa is a selfish bitch," Ben countered. "I should have moved on years ago."

"Ben," Rey said in a soft tone. She had shuttered at his harsh talk about his ex-wife and not wanting him to go any further down this road, she wanted to divert the conversation.

But Leia had other thoughts, "So she knows your real name. You aren't going by _Kylo Ren_ any more?"

Ben sighed, "Like I said before mother, Rey knows everything."

Leia hummed with something between acceptance and dissatisfaction before turning her sights back on Rey. "So what is it you do for a living Ms. Beckett?"

"I'm an attorney," Rey said with pride and she watched the General's eyebrows raise with surprise.

"What kind of law do you practice?" Leia squinted her eyes as she spoke.

Rey held her head high and lied again, "Mostly child neglect cases."

"I see," said Leia as she watched her son's shoulders relax and knew there was more to this story be decided not to push any more.

"I hope everyone likes meatloaf," Rey said as she pushed a pan into the oven.

Leia again hummed in reply. "I'm going to get settled in," and she swept out of the kitchen with out even a second glance.

"What the fuck, Ben." Rey said under her breath.

"I had no idea that she would be here. As you could tell we don't have the most open relationship."

Rey rolled her eyes, thinking that was putting it lightly.

"Why did you lie about who you are?" Ben asked stepping towards her and placing his hands on her hips.

"I couldn't tell her who my parents are. I should be the one to tell them about us, not some heated phone call to my father about how I am a home wrecker."

"She doesn't really think you are a home wrecker," Ben tried to reassure.

"Perhaps you don't speak woman, but she definitely thinks that I am a cheap rebound that came between you and your wife."

"Ex-wife," Ben corrected again through gritted teeth. He would think that Rey of all people would understand why his marriage had not worked out. "You knew Jessa. You know why I left her. She was selfish and entitled. She was lazy and had no ambition beyond being a Organa-Solo."

"Ben stop," she looked down not wanting to hear anymore. "And when this doesn't work out, what horrible things will you tell the next one about me?"

He was offended and moved his hands from her waist to her cheeks, tipping her face up to look at him, "You assume there will be a next one?"

Rey stepped away from him now, "Maybe we rushed into this. You just got out of a marriage and I just got out of a serious relationship. Statistically rebounds like this don't last."

"Never tell me the odds," Ben was not happy about this line of thinking and thought that they had been over this and that Rey was comfortable with their relationship. "If this is about my mother, I had never planned for you to meet her."

"Never?" Rey looked up at him now.

"Well maybe for the wedding or when the kids are born, but not like this."

Rey went pale, "Wedding? Kids? Have you gone mad?"

Ben cursed himself, he had never been good at talking to women, well not when it mattered. "Look, what I'm saying is that I want to have a future with you and it doesn't have to include my judgmental, overbearing mother."

The oven timer went off and Rey almost jumped out of her skin. Abandoning their current conversation, Rey sent Ben to set the table and inform his mother and the Captain that dinner would be ready shortly.

Leia sat at the head of the table and her son across from her. Rey and Kaydel were awkwardly sat between them as the tense conversation between the General and Ben seemed to exclude the two other women.

That was until Leia directly addressed her Captain, "Are you still seeing that Fisher boy in logistics?"

Kaydel almost choked on her sip of wine, "No ma'am. He PCSed to Texas and we didn't see the long distance thing working."

"Ben is recently single as well," Leia pointed her fork between her son and Kaydel.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Kaydel said respectfully since the last time she had seen Ben it was at his wedding.

"It's fine," he said quickly to the blonde before turning back to his mother. "Rey, my girlfriend is sitting right here." He reminded the General again that she was talking out of turn.

Rey downed the rest of her wine and pushed back from the table, "I think I'll go clean up the kitchen." She picked up her plate with half of her dinner still on it and walked away from table.

A beat later Kaydel rose, "I'll go help her," she said in a hushed but kind tone.

The Captain walked in on Rey scrubbing at the glass pan that had held their dinner, "You need any help?"

"No, I got it." Rey scrubbed harder.

Kaydel just leaned up against the counter and watched in silence for a long moment before going to get the wine bottle from the island and topped off both of their glasses. "She means well..."

Rey huffed and threw the sponge into the dish water but wasn't mad at the woman offering her a full glass of wine. "I know this is an impossible situation. Even though Ben's marriage was over months before the divorce, I will always be _the other woman_."

"She wasn't around a lot when he was a kid. I think some times she forgets that he's a grown man that can make his own decisions." Kaydel offered, but then blushed at disclosing such a personal statement.

"Did you and Ben ever..." Rey regretted the question as soon as it left her lips."You don't have to answer that."

Kaydel looked up with fear and shock in her eyes, "No, he was with Jessa when I met him." She twisted the stem of her wine glass and took a drink before continuing. "I was assigned to the General about a year before Ben…uh…came home, and she was beside herself when she found out. But a General's work is never done and so she had me sit with him and report back to her. Jessa was busy planning their wedding so a lot of times it was me and him. We got to know each other pretty well, but nothing beyond friendship."

"But you would have..." Rey pressed and then mentally slapped herself. "You don't have to answer that either," she stammered.

Now the Captain smiled, "He's a good guy, a little misunderstood, but a good guy." This was all Kaydel was willing to offer but as close to a yes as she could get.

Back out in the dining room Ben was having a hard time containing his anger and he just wished the rain would let up so that he could take Rey away from the poisonous words of his mother. "I told you that Rey is special. She mean a lot to me and you are treating her like garbage."

"She is all wrong for you Ben," Leia offered with a wave of her hand like she still held the title of Princess and her say was final.

"You don't know her and with the way you are behaving I may not give you another chance to know her. One day when you think about why she won't let you see your grandkids, think back to this moment."

"Did you knock her up already? Are you that irresponsible? Is that why you left Jessa cause you got one of your bar skanks pregnant?"

Ben took a deep cleansing breath but it wasn't helping. "I left Jessa because we didn't love each other anymore and no Rey is not pregnant. But she makes me want to start a family and get a house in the burbs, white picket fence and all."

"You've known her a week Ben!"

"She's important to me," he hissed in reply.

"You need someone who understands the life. Who will know how to manage you and your..." she lowered her voice, "condition."

"She knows the life!" he said sternly but out of respect for Rey didn't disclose how well she understood his upbringing. "And as for my _condition..._ " he tried to breath again, the events of seven years ago flooded his mind and he broke out into a cold sweat. "You read the briefing but in case you forgot I almost died out there. I had friends...brothers...blown to pieces. I shoved my fingers into bullet holes to try and stop the bleeding. What was worse was that it was a kid that took the shot, no more than twelve with a full auto AK-47 in his hands and I did not hesitate to end him."

"That's war Ben," the General said coolly, having read hundreds of reports just like the one her son was describing.

"But it happened to me!" he roared. "I should have died out there. I would take the place of any of my brothers who came home in metal crates under flags. I came home to a girlfriend who wanted to ride coattails and a mother that pitied herself into a promotion." His last words escaped between gritted teeth.

Leia stood abruptly, "That is enough!"

"I am not one of your soldiers that you can command into silence. I do not respect you, I do not fear you, and I sure as hell don't love you."

The General staggered at his words, reduced to a emotionally wounded mother and not top brass.

When the women in the kitchen heard raised voices they had abandoned their wine and went to see what was going on. Rey sucked in a breath as she heard Ben's final words and she watched him white knuckle gripping the dining chair as he heaved breaths into his lungs.

She quickly walked to him and placed a reassuring hand on his arm, gaining his attention and the expression on her face was full of worry. "Come on, take a breather," she encouraged.

Ben let go of the chair and followed Rey towards the stairs without a second glance at his mother.

* * *

**Please feel free to leave me some feed back. I have the next few chapters already planned out and hope to have something up soon.**

**As always, thank you for reading. Your kindness mean the world to me.**

**Chapter Title Song: Axwell & Ingrosso - More Than You Know**

 

 


	13. The Spectre

**AN: You all are freaking amazing! Your reviews and kind words have my creative juices flowing. Please make sure to also read the note at the end of this chapter.**

* * *

**The Spectre**

Once up in their room with the door closed behind them, Ben sunk down onto the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and his face in his hands. Rey watched in compassionate silence, allowing him the time he needed to process the words he had just exchanged with his mother.

Finally after a few minutes she spoke, "You want to talk about it?"

Ben looked up at her, his eyes were red and glassy but no tears had fallen, "No," he reached out for her and Rey stepped forward. Once she was within his grasp, he pulled her close and buried his face into her midsection, wrapping his arms around her.

For a long while they were like this, him holding on to her for dear life and Rey stroking her fingers through his hair. The only thing they asked of each other was to be present.

Finally he pulled back, moving his hand to cup her cheek and brought her lips down to his. The kiss was slow but hungry and before long he was pulling her shirt up over her head. "Ben," she breathed as he started to pepper kisses across her chest. "We shouldn't do this...your mother..."

"I just need to feel something that is real," he looked up at her with such pleading. "Please..." he offered in a whisper.

Rey let him sweep her into the bed and he covered her body with his. Ben took his time, touching and kissing every inch of her. His hands would grip on to her as if he thought she would dissolve into nothingness if he let her go.

Their joining was not rushed and they made no sounds above a whisper. The rain still padded onto the peaked roof above them and he moved within her at a slow, needy pace. They gazed into each other and Ben tried to memorize the flecks of gold in her eyes.

Her lips were swollen with his kisses and she dug her finger nails into the flesh of his back. Her ankles hooked behind his hips, keeping his thrusts deep. Her peek was expressed with gasps for breath and her head thrown back on the white sheets of the bedding. He buried his face in the crook of her neck and followed.

They showered in silence and dressed for bed. Rey donned the Army shirt again and Ben pulled back on his boxers. Slipping back under the blankets he pulled her close to him. Their time together had done nothing to slate his neediness and he continued to hold on to her as if she was about to be taken.

He loved in this moment that Rey didn't try to push him to talk. She didn't take his silence personally. So many times Jessa had nagged him to the point of anger. He would shut down, emotionally and physically and not be able to even look at her. She would cry and ask what _she_ had down wrong. He didn't know how to tell her that he just needed space, that it wasn't her, but he was broken and he didn't know how to be what she needed.

But Rey...his Rey just let him be. She gave herself to whatever he needed her to be. He was able to speak his pain without words and share his grief between their bodies. He had no idea how he deserved her, but for some reason she had been sent to be the balm to his still gaping mental wounds.

The storm raged on through the night. Lightening flashed behind the sheer curtains of the room. The nightmare stated like many of the past. The light that flashed behind his eye lids was like trying to sleep in a Humvee in the early desert mornings.

_With a crash of thunder the bomb went off. Chaos was all around him as his ear rung and he tried to blink the sand from his eyes. He hated sand and if he couldn't get his eyes clear he could die and more of his brothers could die. He saw through the pain and crawled from the overturn vehicle._

_It was an ambush, the road side bomb to disable the convoy and then hostiles were hidden in the rubble of a small village, heavily armed to finish the job. "Nestor!" Ren had called out to his buddy who had been driving but was now trying to get to cover. Grabbing the back of his comrade's jacket he pulled him behind the mangled wheel hub._

_Bullets buzzed by them and pinged off the armor plating of the Humvee. Ren pushed Nestor's hand against the gushing wound on his friends thigh. A well placed bullet threaded through the wreckage of their vehicle and tore through Ren's shoulder. He hissed and cursed at the explosive force of his skin splitting._

_Rolling onto this stomach, he scanned the rubble village for the shooter. He saw a flash and then he lined up his shot, pulling the trigger as he sent three rounds down range. He saw a boy, dressed in rags with a mop of dark hair fall out from behind a wall._

_As the others in the convoy started to provide cover fire, Ren turned back to his friend, "Stay with me Nestor," and he shoved his thumb into the bullet wound on Nestor's thigh. "Help is coming, just hang in there."_

_Nestor reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a letter, his bloody hands painted the white paper red, "Make sure Liz gets this. Tell the girls that I love them..."_

_"No, don't talk like that. You are going to be fine. You can tell the girls that yourself…"_

_Bullets continued to bounce around them as Ren called for a medic and tried to keep Nestor talking. It was then that Ren felt as if his neck was burning, reaching up his bloodied hand came away dripping and his voice came out as a silent scream before everything went black._

Rey woke to Ben shifting in the bed. He was mumbling and covered in sweat. She knew what this was...her mother had taught her about night terrors when Uncle Jinn would come to stay with them. Jinn has served during Vietnam and when he would go into his 'fits' as her mother had called them, Rey had learned to never try to wake him by grabbing his upper body.

So as quickly as she could, Rey slid out of the bed and moved to the lower corner, reaching out and grabbing Ben's foot, giving it a shake and calling his name.

It all happened in a second. Ben's eyes had shot open as he called out the name _Nestor_ again and he sprung from the bed, lunging at Rey. His gaze was wild and before she could blink Rey was pushed up against the wall by the door with his hands around her throat.

Not ten seconds later the bedroom door flew open and the General stood wide eyed in her nightgown watching her son attempt to strangle his new girlfriend. "Ben!" She called out in a panic.

Rey had tried to keep her cool through all of this and held up her hand, telling the General without words to keep her distance. Keeping her other hand wrapped around his wrist, she moved her outstretched hand to his face, gently stroking it, "Ben," she breathlessly cooed. "It's alright. I'm right here...come back to me."

His hands relaxed and the glaze over his eyes faded. When he came to there was shock and horror written all over his expression. "Rey..." he looked from his out stretched hands to her face then to his mother who was still standing in the door way. "What happened?"

"You had a bad dream," was all Rey offered. She wasn't going to judge him or make him feel worse for what had just happened. She knew the risks of waking him in the middle of a flash back.

"Did I hurt you?" He again was looking from his hands to her neck as red marks started to surface.

Rey could tell that her neck would be sore, but he had not done any permanent damage that she could tell. "No. You didn't hurt me. I'm fine."

The General looked on at this scene with shock. Ben had said that this girl grew up in the life but now the elder woman wondered how much of this sort of behavior that the girl was used to. She had never seen Jessa react like that, usually it was full of dramatics and tears.

Ben was still looking down at his hands and Rey turned to his mother, "We are fine here. Can you give us some privacy?"

Leia just nodded, still unable to say anything and she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Rey walked up to Ben and took both of his hands in hers. "I'm fine Ben. Really. You just had a bad dream."

His emotions flipped within a second. His expression was angry as he dropped her hands and went about examining her neck. The district lines that his fingers made as he had choked her were there and he was discussed with himself.

"It doesn't hurt," she lied.

"It was so real," he almost said to himself.

"You were calling out for Nestor..."

Ben nodded in understanding, "He always had my back over there. He died in my arms...I had to deliver a blood stained letter to his wife and two girls."

"I'm so sorry Ben," Rey didn't know what else to say.

"I shouldn't have brought you here. I should have just come out here alone and not put you through this."

"Ben, no..." Rey stepped closer to him trying to catch his down turned gaze. "You shouldn't have to do this alone." He still wouldn't meet her eyes, so Rey reached up and placed her hand against his cheek, "Tell me what you need."

He didn't know how to answer that. No one had ever asked him what he needed. It was always what was best for his mother's career, what was best for Jessa and their family image. He didn't even want to touch on his father, Han was selfish and just did whatever he pleased. No one had ever cared what Ben needed.

"I just need you," he said in a small voice.

"I'm right here," Rey reassured.

He finally lifted his head and looked at her. She wasn't scared. She wasn't angry. She wasn't disappointed in him. She was open and compassionate and there. Rey was truly there. She just may be the most beautiful, most brave woman he had ever met.

His hands came up to her neck again and she didn't flinch. With the pads of his fingers, Ben traced the fading marks on her pale skin, "I'm so sorry Rey." He bent down and kissed the left side of her neck, "I promise to you..." he kissed the right side of her neck, "that I will never hurt you again."

Her breath was shaky with the intimacy of his words, "Don't make promises that you may not be able to keep."

Ben took a step back from her and frowned, "What is that supposed to mean? I didn't intentionally attack you." How could she even think that he was capable of such a thing. Yes he had killed while overseas but that had been during war, where it was kill or be killed. But he wanted Rey to sleep next to him every night and not be scared that she will be assaulted due to flashbacks.

"I know...I know that Ben," Rey reached out and laid her hand on his forearm. She grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards the bed. When he sat on the side, Rey crawled up behind him, wrapping her arms around his shoulder. "I know you will never intentionally hurt me, but you can't promise that this will never happen again, and that's alright."

"You're not scared of my crazy?" Ben reached up and stroked the arm that were wrapped around him.

Rey chuckled, "I'm not scared of your crazy," and she kissed the back of his shoulder where the first shot had pierced his skin.

He twisted his torso so that he could look at her, "You're not scared of me?" His tone was hushed.

"I'm not scared of you," she answered without hesitation. "I understand you."

Ben turned the rest of the way and kissed her, pushing her back into the bed and settling between her legs. He didn't take it past kissing every inch of skin that he had marred. When Rey sighed into his touch and stroked her fingers through his hair, he kissed her on the lips once more before rolling off of her and pulling her against his body. "Thank you," he whispered into her hair.

Rey didn't reply, just reached for the blanket and pulled it up over their bodies as they both drifted back to sleep.

Ben was peaceful for the rest of the night and just as the storm had passed and the sun rose on a new day, so did Ben's heart heal a little more with this amazing woman tucked against his chest.

* * *

Rey woke the next morning still pressed up against Ben. There had been no more disturbances in his sleep and his face held a relaxed expression.

Escaping the bed without waking him was difficult but Rey was able to extract herself and padded off to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror she saw that there only a few marks on her neck that could easily be mistaken for hickeys. Nothing that she couldn't cover with a little extra foundation because the last thing she wanted was her friends and co-workers asking questions.

She redressed in her own clothes from the previous day and then slipped out of the room and went down to the kitchen to look for a coffee maker. She was welcoming of the smell of a fresh pot brewing but not of the General who sat at the kitchen island with a steaming cup and the morning paper.

"General," Rey said with a crisp tone.

"Ms. Beckett," Leia answered back, motioning with her cup towards the coffee pot. "Help yourself."

Rey crossed the kitchen and felt the General's stare follow her the entire way. She had to open a few cabinets before she found the cups and she was slightly miffed that the home's owner offered no guidance. Finally she was able to fill a cup and she also helped herself to some milk that she had spied in the fridge last night.

The elder woman had not offered any other conversation since Rey walked in so she decided to just take her coffee and go back up stairs. But as she was about to exit the kitchen Leia's voice called out. "How's the neck?"

Stopping in her tracks, Rey almost spilled some of her coffee. "Sore, but it's fine," she answered honestly.

"You should have been warned about Ben and his…tendencies." Leia barely looked up from her paper when she spoke, the lack of true concern was evident.

Rey squared her shoulders, "I am fully aware of Ben's suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder. It's just a shame that his _family_ hasn't given him the needed support over the past _seven years_ to help improve his symptoms." She had narrowed her eyes and spoke freely at Ben's mother, not caring for the rank that Leia wore on her lapels.

Leia set down her paper finally and turned to look at the fierce young woman, "I set him up with the best shrinks in New York and he blew them off. He doesn't want help, he just wants to throw away everything good that was ever handed to him, foremost his education and his wife."

"Ex-wife," Rey now said this between gritted teeth, sounding more like Ben when he corrected his mother.

Looking back to her paper Leia decided to ignore the girl's comment, "You should just give up on him now before he really hurts you."

"Why do I get the feeling that you gave up on him a long time ago?" Rey still had not moved from her spot in the door way.

Ben walked into the kitchen in time to hear Rey's comment and he thought that he may as well have fallen in love with her in that moment. Here was this General's kid who last night had stood at attention, in just a tee-shirt, in the presence of his mother, but now she spit fire in his defense.

Rey, the girl who had been left behind by her parents like a forgotten sock in the ball pit of a McDonalds along a highway in Florida. The girl who bounced from abusive situations in the foster system. The girl who lived through rejection, fear, and abandonment, and somehow found the strength to come out on top. Again he wondered why she had not been placed in his life sooner.

"It's hard to give up on something that you never believed in in the first place," Ben shot back as he took the coffee cup out of Rey's hand, dumped it into the sink, and then took her now empty hand and pulled her towards the back door. "We're leaving…now." He said as they stood in the laundry room and slipped back on their riding jackets.

She nodded her head, knowing that there wouldn't be a heartfelt goodbye between Ben and his mother.

"Ms. Beckett, make sure to wear a scarf or apply some extra cover up tomorrow," Leia called out, still sipping her coffee in the kitchen.

Ben opened the door, put her bag into her hands, and practically pushed Rey out of the home. He then turned and braced himself against the doorframe between the laundry room and the kitchen, leaning just his head and shouldered into the room his mother occupied. "I warned you. You better pray for her compassion to allow you to be part of our lives, because if it was up to me, the next time I would be forced to be in the same room as you...you will be the one in the pine box."

He didn't stay around long enough to see what expression his mother decided to display. She could be shocked or saddened, but it was all her own doing. She could be stoic and ignore his threats, but she would be terribly mistaken to think he was bluffing.

Instead he slammed the door behind him and walked over to Rey who was standing by his motorcycle. He walked up to her with such purpose. He took her face in his large hands and kissed her in a way that he hoped showed his gratitude for her standing up to his mother...for believing in him. "Let's go," he said as he handed her the helmet that rested on the back of the bike.

He kicked the engine to life and Rey settled in behind him. She tucked her right hand inside his half zipped jacket and placed it over his heart, giving his peck a slight squeeze. Hopefully she couldn't feel his heart racing under her palm, his anxiety and stress levels were bordering on a panic attack, but her touch grounded him.

The further they got from his family's cabin the more at ease he felt. The force that his mother gave off whenever she was near and meddling in his life always set him on edge, but it seemed that discomfort was only by proximity.

He tried to push his mother from his mind. This was exactly the reason that he had cut ties with her after he left Virginia. She always had a plan for his life and when he pushed back it had put an even bigger wedge between them. She was so used to being worshipped for her military successes, to everyone blindly following her orders, that the great General Organa couldn't fathom why her wayward son refused to fall in line.

The cool morning air cleansed his mind. Early Sunday morning traffic was light and it took them just over an hour and a half to get back into the city. Ben parked in front of Rey's building and pulled her purse out of the saddle bag, "I'm sorry this weekend turned out so horrible." He reached up to stroke her neck.

Rey smiled but it didn't quite reach her eyes. She knew that this weekend had the possibly to be something special for them. She knew that Ben was trying to share something incredibly important with her and she doubted that Ben would have had the reaction to his flashback if his mother had not gotten him riled up. What Rey did know is that after seeing how his own family treated him, she refused to give up on him or the amazing connection she felt growing between them.

"It will be better next time," she reassured him.

His cocky smirk was back and oh how Rey had missed it, "So there will be a next time?" He asked hopefully.

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Solo," she quipped and looked up at him through her lashes.

He bent down and kissed her again, ever thankful for her ability to make light of their awkward situation. "When can I see you next?"

Rey bit her lip and already wanted to drag him up stairs with her, "Today is usually laundry day with Rose...but you can cook me dinner tonight."

"Deal," he said with a smile and kissed her before trotting down to his bike.

She watched him push back his hair before pulling back on his black and chrome helmet. Rey admired his broad shoulders that tapered down to his athletic waist. She love him naked but there was something about him dressed all in black, in denim and leather that did something to her. Rey's body sung with anticipation for the night they were robbed of at the cabin.

* * *

**AN: I wanted to put a disclaimer that I don't take the causes or symptoms of PTSD lightly. Much of what I write in this story I have lived through. My father and husband both suffer from combat related PTSD. To any of my readers who have a family member who is going through this...please don't give up on them. There is always Light in the Darkness.**

**As always your kind words have blown me away. Each** **review, follow, and favorite email I get makes my heart sing! I have the next few chapters planned out so I hope to get them up as soon as possible.**

**Chapter Title Song: Alan Walker - The Spectre**

 

 


	14. I Wanna Know

 

**I Wanna Know**

It was already after ten in the morning and Rey had still not had a drop of caffeine. Thanks to Ben throwing her coffee in the sink at the cabin, Rey was now hovering over her coffee pot as the first drips of heaven flowed.

She had already texted Rose to let her friend know that she was now home and they could commence their Sunday morning ritual of laundry. Rey shrugged off the leather jacket that Ben had given her and made a mental note to return it to his apartment later that night.

For a moment she contemplated covering the bruising on her neck, but she felt that she could be honest with Rose without much judgement. Instead she just poured a large amount of coffee into an insulated tumbler and then made the trek down to the basement laundry.

Rose showed up about ten minutes after Rey had put in her first load and the dimly lit room held off on the interrogation for a few minutes.

"So ya'll ended up staying the night?" Rose asked as they started to talk about Rey's trip out of town with Ben.

"Yeah, we took his motorcycle up there and that storm rolled through..."

"Motorcycle?" Rose asked in shock but with a smirk on her face. "That's so hot. I bet he looks hot on a bike."

Rey blushed, thinking back to how she had taken an extra moment this morning to check him out as he pulled away from her curb. "I won't disagree with you," was all she offered.

"So how did it go? Where did he take you?" Rose fired off the questions.

Sticking to the easiest question first Rey took up her normal spot on top of one of the dryer and downed a sip of coffee, "We went up by West Point. His family has a cabin up there."

"Oh, romantic cabin in the woods. Tell me there was a bear skin rug in front of the fire and you made love all night long." Rose gushed.

"Not quite," Rey laughed. "Actually it started out well enough, until his mother showed up."

"His mother?" Rose was aghast. "I'm sure that put a damper on everything."

"That's putting it lightly. Ben and his mother don't really get along and they ended up having words."

"So the famous General Organa wasn't all you hoped she would be?"

"God no!" Rey almost spit out her coffee. "If my father ever acted as the General did, my mother would have his head."

"And Mr. General Organa is not in the picture?"

Rey thought for a moment, not knowing too much about Ben's father. "Han Solo is a pilot of some kind, but the General did accuse me of sleeping with him when she first arrived."

Rose dissolved into giggles, "Only you Rey...only you could get yourself into something like this."

"No kidding..." Rey rolled her eyes and downed the rest of her coffee.

As Rose watched her friend tip back the tumbler she caught a glimpse of red marks across Rey's throat. With the lightest touch Rose reached out, "What are these?"

Rey quickly brought her hand up to her neck and turned red while looking at the floor. Rose now jumped down from her dryer and pulled Rey's hand away. Having taken classes on domestic violence, Rose was very aware what strangulation marks looked like. The red lines that formed between the attacker's fingers were in perfect form around both sides of Rey's neck.

"Did he do this to you?" Rose asked with anger and concern.

"Rose, it's not what you think..." Rey started but didn't make a move to make eye contact with her friend.

Rose cocked her hand onto her hip, "Was this some sexy time gone wrong? I didn't think you were into choking and if he is, that is not the way to do it..." Rose was now rambling thinking about some of the more kinky partners she has had over the years.

"No," Rey shot out and finally looked up from her hands. "I told you it's not like that."

"Then what is it like?" Rose now came back to sit with her friend, taking her hands. "It's not okay if he hurt you."

"I know," Rey offered.

They were quiet for a time before Rose spoke again, "Does this have to do with your past?"

Rey looked up again, confusion written all over her face, "What does that mean?"

Rose shrugged, "You know...you grew up in an environment of abuse and neglect and now this hot guy comes along and maybe you feel it's okay for him to do these types of thing to you..."

"Rose...no..."

"No one deserves to be abused Rey."

Rey sighed, "He's not abusing me Rose." She knew that his story was not her's to tell, but she also knew that Rose wouldn't drop it until she got a good enough explanation. "He experienced some trauma during the war and yesterday was his seven year anniversary from getting injured. He had a flash back and even though I was careful, he lashed out."

Rose looked over her friend, trying to understand. She had not grown up in a military family. She didn't know the ins and outs of trauma and how it effects veterans. "So he choked you?"

"I woke him up from a night terror and I guess he still thought that he was at war and he was just protecting himself." Rey tired to explain.

They were both quiet again for a while. "Maybe you shouldn't be seeing this guy until he gets some help."

"It's not his fault," Rey said defensively. "I will know next time what to do and not do."

"Next time?" Rose almost yelled. "Listen to yourself! How can you even want to put yourself into that situation again?"

"You don't understand..." Rey started.

"You're right," Rose interjected. "I don't understand. You just met this guy and it's a gamble with your career and your safety to keep seeing him."

Rey felt her anger start to rise, "You are the one that pushed us back together at that play!"

"That's before I knew he was the West End Strangler."

"That's unfair Rose. Ben and I have experienced things in our lives that make some of those neglect case files look like a cake walk..."

"So you think you can fix him." Rose accused. "If you want a pet project I'm sure we can find you a different hobby."

Rey exhaled with frustration. "You don't understand," she repeated.

"I truly don't." Rose answered honestly.

After another pause Rey spoke, "I don't need you to understand. I just need you to trust me. I need you to be my friend."

Rose looked hurt, "I am your friend. That is why I am trying to protect you."

"Ben is not the bad guy in all of this. Seven years after I was abandoned by my parents I was in much worse shape. He just needs someone who understands and will just be there, like Millie was for me."

"So you do want to fix him..."

"He's not broken. I wish people would stop calling him broken. I just want to help him in whatever way he will let me."

Another silence hung over them. "I trust you Rey, but if you ever need me, if you ever need an out, I'm here for you."

Rey gave her friend a soft smile. "Thank you...truly." She wiped at the tears that threatened to fall not only at the frustration of trying to explain her connection to Ben but also the fierce protectiveness of her friend.

They moved on to safer topics like what Rose had done over the weekend, what was on their schedule for the week, and Finn's love life, which was always exciting. A few times Rey caught Rose glancing at her neck with her brows pinched together with worry, but it wasn't mentioned again in conversation.

With laundry done by mid afternoon, Rey went out into the city to do the rest of her shopping and even had about an hour to clean up her apartment. It was nearing six in the evening and while she knew that Ben wouldn't have to open the bar tomorrow, she still had a nine o'clock mediation that she had to get to in the morning. She didn't want to be out too late so she sent him a quick text before embarking on the quick walk to his apartment.

He was waiting outside for her when she approached. His smile was wide and Rey couldn't help but return it. He bent to kiss her, "I missed you."

Rey chuckled into his lips, "It's hasn't even been twelve hours."

"I still missed you," he confirmed.

If Rey was being honest with herself she had missed him too. She would have much preferred to walk the markets hand in hand with him. Her body felt warmer and lighter when he was around and this is why she had fought so hard against Rose. This is why he was worth it.

They walked across the empty and dark bar and up the back stairs to his apartment. "It smells great," Rey commented. "What are you making?"

"A roast. It's one of my grandmother's recipes."

Rey handed back the leather riding jacket that was slung over her arm and when Ben looked down at her with some hurt in his eyes she stated, "We can just keep it here for the next time we go out of the bike."

"Next time?" Ben asked in a small voice.

Her compassion for this man flared, "You're almost as bad as me," she added with a soft and warm tone thinking about her own abandonment issues. "You can stop worrying about me running away Ben. I'm here, for this time and the next, and the next after that."

His smile over took his face and his thin cheeks creased. Throwing the jacket over the back of a chair he lunged for her and took her in his arms. Rey let out something between a laugh and squeak in surprise as she was lifted up his body and she wrapped her legs around his waist.

Walking across the open area of his apartment, Ben didn't set down Rey until he was able to throw her down on his bed. She let out another giggle as she bounced into his mattress. She watched with hooded eyes as he raked his shirt off.

"Ben...the roast." Honestly she couldn't have given a damn about the roast and she licked her lips at the sight of his bare chest, hungry for something completely different.

"We have an hour," his words were muffled into her neck and he kissed her.

Rey pulled her foot up and placed into the crook of his hip, pushing him back off of her. He looked wounded for a moment before she shook her foot at him, instructing him to remove her shoes.

He pulled off her sneakers without even touching the laces and Rey worked the button and zipper of her jeans. Ben grabbed at the hem of her pants and fought with the tight material. Rey bit at her knuckle and tried to stifle a laugh.

"A man would never design pants that were this hard to get off a woman," Ben spoke to himself as he was finally able to get the jeans past her hips.

"But they make my ass look good," Rey countered with another laugh.

A gleam flashed in Ben's eyes as he took her ankles in his large hands and flipped her over on the bed, her lace covered behind now on full display for him. "I like it better like this," he commented as he pulled her jeans the rest of the way down her legs and then planted a soft smack to her right butt cheek.

"Oh!" Rey exclaimed at the hit and looked over her shoulder at him. He was already running his hands up the back of her thighs before palming her rear. Before long he grabbed at her hips and pulled her up on her knees with her chest and head still resting on the bedding.

Ben cupped the hot area between her thighs and stroked her a few times before shifting the soft lace to the side and sliding his middle and rings fingers into her. He groaned at the feeling, she was already wet for him and he wanted to taste her.

A few more stroke in and he needed more. Rey whimpered when he withdrew his fingers and then let out another squeak when he flipped her over again. Her gaze met his and he slid his glistening fingers into his mouth. Rey had to clamp her legs together as a new rush shot down her body.

Once he had tasted his finger, Ben took another moment finish undressing her. She was laid bare before him and he took in the image of her. Her chestnut hair spread out in a halo, her pink swollen lips, her rosy nipples, the dark smattering of hair above her thighs, and the desire in her eyes as she rubbed her knees together needing friction.

He grabbed at her hips again and pulled her to the edge of the bed, spread her legs while running his hands up her thighs, and knelt on the floor in front of her. Rey lifted her head to look at him and desperately bit at her lower lip.

Ben settled his face between her legs and Rey watched with hooded eyes as he kissed at her engorged flesh. Her head only fell back when he placed a flat tongued swipe across her clit. A groan deep from within her chest escaped and she grabbed at the bed sheets, needing to feel grounded as the rest of her body felt as if it was afloat.

Smiling into his work, Ben set a pace with his mouth and when she started to buck her hips into him, he steadied them with his left arm as his right hand went back to thrusting deeply into her.

Rey was beside herself, not knowing or caring about the world around her. The only thing she felt was the building pressure between her legs and the light headed euphoria that was soon to follow. She reached out and grabbed a fist full of his dark hair, holding his head to her and grinding her hips, Rey was able to guide the pressure right where she needed it.

She dared to raise her head and look down at what he was doing to her. Ben saw the face of a woman desperately in need of release. Her brows were pinched together and breaths came in open mouth pants. He met her gaze and then sucked hard of her clit and watched her fall.

An expression of surprise graced her face and then Rey's head fell back to the bed as her body pulsed out her orgasm. "What the hell was that," she gushed out as she threw a limp arm over her face, trying to steady her breathing.

Ben smiled and used his discarded shirt to wipe his mouth and chin. "That was just me saying thank you for this weekend." He removed his sweat pants and watched the rise and fall of her chest slow.

Rey smiled and finally opened her eyes when she felt him snake his arm behind the curve of her back and hoist her further up on the bed, "If that's the case, you can thank me any time you want."

He now hovered over her, "I plan on it," and he slid into her waiting heat. She was so wet from his mouth and her orgasm that he had to grip onto the sheets to steady himself.

Her body was already well satisfied but it came alive again with his movements. He rocked into her, using the arm still around her back to lift her hips with each thrust. He kissed all over her face, neck, and chest, pulling her nipples into his mouth, showing each equal attention.

As Rey's body started to tighten again, she gripped around his neck and pushed her feet against his thighs, trying to get the angle that her body demanded. Without warning, Ben gripped her tight and rocked back on his heels and into a kneeling position allowing her ride his thighs.

She gripped harder into his hair and brought her mouth to his as he now used both of his hands to grind her hips into his. It was such an intimate position, chest to chest, face to face. She could feel his heart beating against her breast and his hot breath against her shoulder. "Ben," she cooed out breathlessly.

"Rey," he answered in kind pulling at her hips harder and faster. Her forehead rested on his shoulder as he started to feel her quiver. "Fuck," he ground out as he again increased his pace. Her orgasm milked him and he wrapped both arms around her back, holding her against his chest as her arms held steady around his neck and shoulders.

They sat like that for a long moment before he carefully laid her back on the bed, slipping out of her in the process and her body spasmed at the sensation. Ben lowered next to her and lightly traced his fingertips along her stomach.

He thought back to his heated conversations with his mother about wanting a future with Rey. The house, the kids, the dog...everything. For a fleeting moment he pictured her flat stomach swelled with their child and it scared him and excited him in equal parts. He quickly thought back to the last few times they had sex and their lack of protection.

"We haven't been using condoms," he said without thought, realizing that it wasn't what lovers usually said to each other after really amazing sex.

Rey turned her head to him, a smile still ghosting on her face for her double orgasms, "I have an implant," and she held up her arm showing him a small scar.

"Oh," he said, not knowing if he was pleased or disappointed. Pills could be forgotten or thrown out. If he was ever going to broach the topic of children with Rey, it would need to be a calculated decision to get the implant removed.

He was still drawing lazy circles across her skin and Rey propped herself up on to her elbow, facing him on the bed. "Show me yours."

Ben chuckled, "I don't have a birth control implant"

"No," Rey smiled with him. "Your scars."

He became serious now. He told her bits and pieces of his story and why his scars are not as evident, but he had never directly pointed them out to her. He trusted her and knew that she wouldn't judge him...that she understood him, so he sat up Indian-style on the center of the bed and faced her.

Rey followed his position and it was odd that they were completely naked and vulnerable in front of each other but there was to shame or shyness.

Ben reached forward and took her wrist, guiding her hand up to his left shoulder. "The first round went in the back of my shoulder and out here," he allowed her finger tips to trace the thin pale line of his exit wound.

"You really did have a good surgeon. I can hardly see it without you pointing it out."

"The best in Beverly Hills my mother told me," he said this with some malice. "They are more apparent when I get a tan." He bent forward some so she could see the back of his shoulder and she fingered the small round raised area where the bullet had pierced.

Rey kissed his shoulder and then sat back waiting for him to continue.

He now turned his head showing her the back of his neck. Under his hair on the left side was another white pick mark. "The next round came through my neck and exited my chest," Ben turned and lifted his right arm showing another scar at about his nipple line.

Tracing a line from his neck to his chest Rey tried to fathom how the bullet had missed organs and arteries. "How are you alive?" Rey asked she looked up onto his face.

"I have no idea," he answered honestly. "The docs said that it would have been a centimeter either way and I would have bleed out in seconds."

Rey pulled back his hair and kissed the back of his neck and she felt him shiver under her touch.

"Lastly..."

"There's more?" Rey looked on in shock and some horror, wondering how much could one man go through.

"This is the best part," he smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. "When they were evacing me, we started taking fire again so they had to drop me." He took her hand and put it into his hair.

Rey felt the sliver of skin at the back of his head that didn't have hair. "Is that why you wear your hair long?" She continued to trail her fingers along his scalp.

This time his smile took over his whole face, "No...this is why," he pulled back his hair and exposed his large ears that stuck out from his head.

"Oh," Rey smiled and now ran her fingers along the rim of his ear. "I like them either way."

He reached forward and kissed her, silently thanking her for truly trying to understand him. Ben hoped that there would never be a part of him that Rey didn't like for he could find no faults in the amazingly strong woman in his arms.

A buzz when off in the kitchen and they both laughed into their kiss, "Dinner is ready," he said against her lips. Ben jumped off the bed and replaced his sweat pants.

Rey followed but just slid on her shirt and panties, agreeing with Ben that at times skinny jeans could be uncomfortable.

They sat on the couch and ate dinner while watching a show on Netflix. It seemed so normal, like they were a couple that had been together for years and held a comfortable familiarity with each other.

Rey admitted that Ben was a decent cook and invited him to her place next week so she could show off her skills in the kitchen.

He took their plates and opened up the freezer, "You want any dessert? I have ice cream."

She looked over the back of the couch and into the open kitchen and admired the naked expanse of his back and she could only think of one thing she wanted for dessert.

A noise off to the side of the apartment drew their attention and soon the door was opening and a fiery blonde was standing there, keys and a thousand dollar purse in her hand.

"Jessa?" Ben asked dumbly. "What the hell are you doing here?" Anger finally kicked in.

Rey grabbed one of the couch cushions to shield her half naked self but the damage had been done. Her former client was gazing daggers at her.

* * *

**AN: OMG Drama! Let me know what you think! I have the next chapter already planned out and plan to keep writing most of today! You're kind words keep me going!**

**Chapter Title Song: NOTD - I Wanna Know**

 

 


	15. Paper Thin

**Paper Thin**

The apartment was quiet for a long moment before Ben stomped towards the door and grabbed her by the upper arm, "What are you doing here Jessa?" He hissed.

The blonde violently shrugged out of her ex-husband's grip, "When your mother called me and said that you had taken some mousy attorney named Rey up to the cabin for the weekend, I just had to see it for myself." Jessa's gaze again shifted to the woman sitting on the couch.

Rey was getting really tired of Ben's family seeing her without pants on, but she stood and grabbed a throw off the back of the couch, wrapping it around herself. "Ms. Johansson, we can explain..."

"Don't _Ms. Johansson_ me," Jessa seethed. "So how long have you been fucking my husband?"

"Ex-husband," Ben interjected, trying again to get his ex-wife out of his apartment.

"We met a few days before the divorce," the words came spilling out of Rey's mouth. "I didn't know he was your husband until he walked into my office."

Ben watched a calculated look cross Jessa's face and he turned to Rey, "Not another word. We don't owe her any explanation."

Rey had to stagger. Usually she was the one telling her clients not to disclose too much information but in this moment she knew Ben was right. She didn't want to give Jessa any more ammunition against them.

"Sounds to me that we have a conflict of interest on our hands," Jessa shifted her expensive bag on her arm. "You both will be hearing from my lawyer."

Rey turned white and all the dread of being caught crashed down on her.

Ben was about to tell Jessa to get out the third time when his ex-wife threw the keys at his bare chest. "I don't need these anymore," he quickly caught them and he wanted wipe the evil, self-assuring smile of her face. "I got what I came for."

With that Jessa swept from the room, a tornado of blonde curls and Chanel No. 5.

By the time Ben turned around to look at Rey she was already across the apartment hastily putting on her jeans and shoes. "Where are you going?" He asked walking towards her.

"I have to go home Ben. I have to prepare for the fall out that is bound to happen."

He halted her hands and cupped her cheeks, forcing her to look at him, "Stay...just for a while longer...please."

Normally she wouldn't have denied him, his eyes pleading for her comfort in a difficult situation, but this was different, this effected her too. "I have to go Ben," she said a little more firmly.

Ben released her and allowed her to finish putting on her shoes. "It will be alright," he tried to sound confident but he just missed the mark. "She just wants more money."

"You don't know that Ben," Rey rounded on him. "They could go after my job...my license ."

"We didn't do anything wrong," Ben tried to reason with her.

"That's for the ethical committee to decide."

He was hurt and angry but didn't know which one to show, so instead he crossed his apartment and stopped her from leaving. "We didn't do anything wrong," he repeated, softly trying to bring her back to him.

Rey looked at the floor between them, her heart was breaking. Nothing that she did with Ben could ever be wrong. He healed her and she healed him. They had the making of something great, but it all hung by the cruel red string of fate.

"I don't know what I'm going to do," she said in a small voice. "I could lose my job, my license, my home...everything."

"It will be fine," he placed his hands on her shoulders and stroked her arms in a comforting manner. "We will be fine." He said the last part to comfort himself.

Rey's eyes shot to his, "What are you risking here Ben? I have everything on the line to be with you...what could you lose?" She was upset and scared and her voice rose near the end of her speech.

As the emotions between them heated, Ben started to shut down. His brain stunted, unable to connect his thoughts to his feelings. His affect became flat and he couldn't make eye contact with her. His arms hung limp at his sides.

"That's right," Rey quipped. "You won't lose anything, while I risk everything!"

She turned to storm out of his apartment and his mind kicked in to fight or flight, he just had to decide to fight for Rey. "You..." he called out to her.

Rey turned to face him again, her hand on the door knob. "What?"

"You," Ben repeated. "I am risking losing you."

She softened now and she let him approach her again. Rey leaned her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. "I'm scared," she admitted softly into his skin.

"I know," he reached up and stroked her hair. He held her for a long moment before speaking again, "Let me grab a shirt and my shoes and I'll walk you home, okay?"

Rey just nodded and watched him cross the apartment and dress. He was back to her before she had too much time to think, taking her hand and leading her out of the door and through the bar.

They walked hand in hand through the streets of the West Village. Earlier that day Rey had wished for this, the simplicity of exploring the city with the man she was quickly falling for. Her mind cycled faster than she could comprehend, going over all of the possibilities from demotions, to marks against her professional credentials, or even getting fired or suspended from practicing.

Her stress was at an all time high, but she tried to keep it out of her posture and her grip on his hand. She knew that he was sensitive to other's feelings, even though he tried not to show it, and that her heightened anxiety could cause him to go into a tailspin.

When they reached her building he drew her into another embrace, kissing the top of her head, "It will be okay. We didn't do anything wrong." These words were starting to sound like a mantra.

Rey gave him a tight lipped nod, stood up on her tip toes and intended on giving him a chaste kiss but melted into him as he ran his fingers through her hair. They rested their foreheads together and he spoke again, "We didn't do anything wrong."

She exhaled trying again to push down her anxiety. "I know," Rey couldn't meet his gaze, not truly believing her own statement and she extracted herself from his hold. She turned before he could say it again and rushed behind the door of her building.

Ben waiting just a beat more before pulling out his phone. It rang four time before his call was connected, "Hux...we have a problem."

* * *

Rey had even more compassion for Ben after the first few work days of that week. She felt hyper-vigilant, always looking over her shoulder, listening in on conversations to see if anyone was talking about her, and she would break out into sweats any time someone knocked on her door. She didn't know how he dealt with feeling like this for the past seven years.

Finally on Wednesday she was buzzed by the front receptionist of the firm, "Ms. Kenobi, there is a delivery for you."

"Thank you, Kay. I'll be right up." She had been expecting a packet of photos from a private investigator, so Rey made her way up to the lobby.

She saw a courier chatting up Kaydel and asked, "Do I need to sign for it?"

A young blonde man turned around and smiled at her, "No ma'am, but you have been served," and he jutted a legal sized envelope at her.

Rey's face lost it's color and she hurried back to her office, closing the door behind her, throwing the envelope on her desk and looked at it as if it was a snake waiting to strike. She took a few deep breaths and then sat in her chair, "We didn't do anything wrong," she chanted to herself as she ripped into the yellow paper envelope.

Pulling out the papers inside she quickly scanned over them, "No..." she said in a whisperer and kept reading, "No!" She was almost yelling.

She had been summoned for an ethical hearing and a review of the Solo/Johansson case.

A million thoughts raced through her mind, from being fired or a mark going against her license, to Ben's divorce being called in to question or revoked caused an ache in her chest. Apart from the implications on her career, she didn't want Ben to be still married to Jessa. She feared what her friends, colleagues, and family would think about her, but for now she would keep this quite.

Unfortunately her cry out had not been quite and Rose knocked softly before sticking her head into her mentor's office, "You okay?"

The tears finally came at her friend's concern and Rose quickly slipped into the office closing the door behind her. "Sweetie, what's that matter?" Her eyes scanned Rey's body for injury, "Did he hurt you again?"

Rey hated that Rose's mind when right to Ben inflicting harm, but instead of starting another fight, she just held out the papers, watching as Rose read over the allegations.

"Shit Rey. What happened?"

"Apparently Jessa still had keys to the bar and she walked in on us Sunday night..." Rey was starting to hiccup from crying so hard.

"Like walked in on you mid..." Rose thrusted her hips to illustrate.

This seemed to lighten the mood some and Rey even let out a half cry, half laugh, "No we had just finished dinner, but there was no doubting the nature of our relationship because..." she sniffed, "because I wasn't wearing any pants!" Rey wailed out the last of the statement, again not pleased with the amount of Ben's relations who have seen her bottomless.

Rose was quiet for a long moment, reading over the summons again. "What does Ben say about this?"

Rey shrugged, "I just got the letter, but we talked about it after Jessa left and he maintains that we didn't do anything wrong." Now that her professionalism has been called into question those words sound like a lie leaving her lips.

"I guess we will have to see if..." Rose looked at the summons again, "Judge San Tekka agrees with Mr. Solo's assessment of your relationship."

"I know him...the judge. He presides over the neglect cases for the state."

Rose nodded, "That doesn't mean that he will go easy on you. Ethical reviews are a big deal and if the Board trusts him to make ruling, then he must be good at what he does."

"I know," Rey looked down at her hands, still not sure how she got herself into this mess. "You will be there to back me up right?"

Rose squirmed, "I will be there to testify to the truth of your involvement in their case and also the time line of your relationship."

"I wouldn't expect you to lie for me Rose and I know that you are putting yourself out there by getting involved, but it is your name on their divorce decree."

"I am aware," Rose stated shortly.

Rey felt uneasy. While she had known Rose for many years now and even recommended her for the job at the firm, she also knew that if Rey was out of the picture that Rose could easily take her place as a senior attorney. She didn't want to think that lowly of a woman she considered to be her best friend, but being a lawyer is a competitive field.

"I guess I can tell Finn to clear our schedules for Friday morning then," Rey didn't want to meet her friend's gaze because she didn't want to know what Rose was thinking. In this sense, ignorance was bliss and she would just put faith in her friend and apprentice to be loyal.

Rose just nodded again and left the office to return to her desk out in the bullpen. Rey took in a calming breath and went into the bathroom that joined her office, cleaning up her face with a tissue. She left work a little early that day, telling her boss Mr. Almec that she had a headache and would work from home.

Deciding to avoid the crowds in the subway, Rey took a cab down to the West Village and had the driver drop her off in front of Ben's bar. They had just opened for business to welcome in the customers needing a drink after an exhausting day at the office.

She walked up to the bar and Mitaka approached her putting a napkin down on the bar, "What can I get ya?"

"Is Ben...I mean is Ren working tonight?"

Mitaka narrowed his eyes for just a moment, "Rey?"

"Yes..." she said in an equally questioning tone.

"Sorry about that, I didn't recognize you in your lawyer get up," he eyed her silk blouse and pinned back hair.

Rey now looked down at herself as well. Both times she had been to the bar during business hours she had been in jeans and old tee-shirts which was a total departure from her power-suits. "Yeah, I clean up alright."

"I'll say," Mitaka muttered under his breath and then spoke a little louder, "He's in the back if you want me to go get him." She nodded as he set a drink down in front of her, "Amaretto and cream," he said with a wink as he leisurely jogged from behind the bar and into the back room.

Taking a sip of her drink, Rey tried to calm her nerves. Four sips later Ben finally walked out from the back room, throwing a clip board down onto the bar top on his way over to her.

He was in his usually black jeans and tight black bar shirt as he came up next to her, leaning in to kiss her. Rey turned her head slightly so that his lips landed on her cheek and not her lips, he tried to keep the hurt expression off his face and instead pulled out the bar stool next to her and sat down, "To what do I own the pleasure?"

Ben had not seen her since Sunday night and most of his texts had been answered with one or two word replies. He tried not to take it to heart because he knew that she was under a lot of stress. He also liked to retreat into solitude when he was trying to work through something, but he thought that they were going to be a team through all of this. He thought that he had finally met someone who could be his united front, his equal, who would stand with him through anything. Sometimes he forgot, deep down, that Rey was just as damaged as he was.

Rey downed the rest of her drink and turned to him, "Can we go some place a little more...private," she looked around the bar as more people started to file in.

Ben looked up at his partner and Mitaka nodded, "I'll be good for about ten minutes boss, but be back down by five when they really start pouring in."

Nodding, Ben took Rey's hand and guided her towards the stairs to his apartment. Once upstairs Rey pulled the letter from her bag and handed it to him.

He took a minute to read over it before lifting his eyes back up to hers, "So she's really going after you." Rey was about to speak when Ben's phone chimed. He pulled it out of his back pocket and skimmed the text, "It's Hux, looks like I'll be seeing you on Friday."

She couldn't hold back the tears any longer, "What am I going to do?"

Gathering her in his arms, he didn't know how to answers, so he just placed a kiss on the top of her head and tightened his grip on her. "It will be okay...I have to believe that it will be okay."

Rey sniffled and looked up at him, "How can you be so sure? It seems that everything has fallen to shit since we met."

Again Ben was hurt by her comment, thinking to himself that he would give up anything to keep her in his life. "There has to be a reason that you were brought into my life. There has to be a bigger plan for us. This can't be the end of us. God has a plan for us."

"I didn't take you for the religious type."

Out of everything he had just said, she picked that part to focus on. So he smirked and answered her, "I pick and choose what is relevant, but I feel like His will...or some other external Force has connected us together for a reason."

"I guess so," Rey looked down into his chest.

Putting his finger under her chin he made Rey look at him, "Search your feelings. You know it's true."

Rey crumpled again, ugly crying in his arms. "I'm just so scared."

"We didn't do anything wrong." His tone was once again firm. "You have to march into that meeting on Friday knowing that we did not do anything wrong."

She could only silently nod and then he bent down and placed his lips lightly on hers. The constriction on his heart eased as her body melted into his and she returned his kiss. He couldn't let her give up on them.

He broke their kiss, "I have to get back to work. Are you going to be okay to walk home or do you want me to get you a cab?" He smoothed back her hair that had come loose when she has tucked her head into his chest.

"I'll walk. I'll be fine."

In this moment he hated that they worked opposite schedules. He wanted to be able to go home with her and hold her. He wanted to be able to spend tomorrow night before the hearing with her, but he was needed here, knowing that he was already abusing Mitaka's kindness towards their situation.

"I'll see you Friday," he kissed her again. "We will be fine," another kiss. "I will fight for us."

Rey started to feel the tears prickle again and she needed to leave before she caused a scene running from the bar crying like a crazy woman. "See you Friday," she simply replied with a tight lipped smile before she turned to follow him back down stairs.

Ben stopped before taking his place behind the bar, reaching out to stroke her cheek. How could he already have so much compassion for this woman. Someone born of neglect and trauma, much like himself. The mere miracle that they had found each other in one of the largest cities in the world...there had to be a greater force at work.

They exchanged their good-byes with just a gaze and he dropped his hand from her face, walking behind the bar and watching her weave her way to the exit.

He met with Hux the next day to go over what was to be expected in the appeal.

"She's going to want more money," Hux said looking over the original divorce documents and trying to see where Jessa would want amendments.

Ben ran his hands through is hair, making a mental note that he should probably wash it before appearing in court tomorrow. "I can maybe give her another thousand per month without worrying about the bar going under."

"Technically you still don't own the bar, we have not signed it back over to you, so that asset is still off the table."

"That bitch is going after Rey..." Ben's mind went back to Rey's red and blotchy face from the night before. How dare his ex-wife try to ruin Rey's life, ruin her spirit.

Hux sat back in his chair, "Can you blame her?" Ben shot him a angry glare. The red head threw his hands up and continued, "What would you have done if you found out that I was fucking her behind your back?"

"First off, fucking gross dude," Ben fired off before thinking for a moment. "Maybe it's different because I wanted to end the marriage and she didn't, but I wouldn't have cared if she was fucking my father as long as she was no longer my problem."

They both outwardly shivered at the thought of Jessa sleeping with anyone, but especially Han Solo. It wasn't that his ex was unattractive, but it was what was inside that made her ugly. Ben found Jessa's complete opposite in Rey and for that he was ever grateful.

"So what's the strategy for tomorrow?" Ben asked getting back on topic.

"We want the divorce to hold firm, not giving her anything else."

"And Rey?" Ben wanted his friend and attorney to tell him that everything would be fine and that there was no case against her.

Hux exhaled, "I don't know man. I wish I could tell you that the ethics board doesn't have a case, but they might. You just have go in there and tell the truth so that your story matches hers." He walked around his desk and stood in front of his friend. "We can just pray that everything goes in your favor."

Ben nodded and stood, bringing his friend into a bro-hug, "Thanks Hux. I wouldn't be going through all this if she wasn't worth it."

"Let's hope Judge San Tekka sees that."

* * *

**AN: Y'all are so amazing! Your comments bring me such joy! This week has been hell and depression is setting back in again and just your positive feelings towards the story make all the difference.**

**I'm going to start on the next chapter tonight and hope to have it up before the weekend is out. Just a disclaimer for next chapter...I am not a lawyer and have no idea how an ethic hearing would go...so I'm just winging it!**

**As always, your ongoing support makes my heart happy and makes this story pour from my mind onto the computer.**

**Chapter Title Song: Astrid S - Paper Thin**

 

 


	16. Hurts So Good

H 

**Hurts So Good**

Rey shifted in her black pumps on the hard marble floor of the court house. She could almost feel the cold from the stone seeping into her bones. One thing she was grateful for was that their case would be heard in the Judge's private chambers and not in a full court room.

She looked up when she heard foot steps in the hall off the main lobby. Ben and Hux were walking towards her. It was still ten minutes until their meeting time and she was happy that Ben was more punctual this time around.

He was dressed in a dark blue suit, a periwinkle dress shirt was neatly pressed and a purple and navy striped tie was positioned perfectly. His hair was slightly unruly, evidence that he had been nervously running his hands through it. As he got closer she could see the purple and white bar lapel pin on the jacket's left lapel and a Marine Corps pin on the right. Ben was pulling out all the stops, branding himself as a respectable combat wounded veteran.

"Hux," Rey addressed the ginger first before quickly glancing at Ben, "Mr. Solo."

Ben frowned but still tried to reach out to her, "Rey…" She took a step back form his outstretched hand and looked around the corridor nervously.

"Not now Ben," she whispered and shifted her gaze to him before looking back over his shoulder.

At least she had used his name, she was one of the few that called him Ben and there was no sweeter sound than it falling from her lips. Their attention was averted as Rose called out Rey's name and she joined their group.

"Armitage," Rose greeted curtly.

The side of Hux's lip curled into something between a smirk and a sneer. "Ms. Tico."

Before too long they were being called back by the judge's secretary and ushered into a smaller conference room. Right at nine o'clock on the dot, Jessa and her attorney wandered into the room.

Hux groaned at seeing who was representing Jessa. "Ms. Netal," he greeted curtly and stood from his seat, ever the gentleman.

Bazine Netal was a slim woman with an olive complexion and jet black hair. Her dark gaze could make the most steadfast man squirm. Her reputation for being a ball buster was accurate and earned by getting the most for her clients in high profile divorces.

Rey gulped and looked at her competition, knowing exactly who she was and what she had come here to do. Jessa wore an arrogant smirk on her face and the primal side of Rey wanted to lunge over the table and claw that look of her stupid perfectly painted face.

But instead she let her gaze slide to Ben for just a moment, he gave her the Solo smirk, the same one he had flashed her when he brought her to climax with his skilled mouth. He winked at her and she felt a lightness fill her chest. His words from the other day rung in her mind, he was going to fight for her…for them, and Rey would be damned if she too wanted to fight for what they had.

"All rise for the Honorable Judge San Tekka," called the secretary.

The group of six stood from their chairs, Ben moved his arms behind him, his left hand clasping his right wrist, standing at relaxed attention.

An aging man with a neatly trimmed gray beard walked into the room. His long black robes made it appears as if he was floating to his position at the head of the table. The judge took a moment to appraise the group in front of him, his eyes fell to Rey, knowing her from many of the pro-bono cases that she had tried for the state. He was disappointed that he was seeing her of all people in a hearing like this.

"You may be seated," San Tekka said as he took his seat. "First order of business today is to review the divorce decree of a one Ben Organa Solo and Jessa Johansson." The secretary was seated in the corner of the room, typing everything the judge said. He looked up at Rey, "Ms. Kenobi, will you be representing yourself?"

"Yes, Your Honor." Rey answered shortly.

"Let's proceed," San Tekka looked back down at the papers that were set before him. "It states here that Ms. Johansson is appealing the divorce under grounds of a conflict of interest."

"Yes, Your Honor," Netal spoke up. "At the time of the divorce, Ms. Kenobi and Mr. Solo were engaged in a…what we assume to be, a sexual relationship, unbeknownst to my client who had hired Ms. Kenobi to represent her in the divorce proceedings."

"Ms. Kenobi?" The judge was asking for her rebuttal.

Rey swallowed and then laid her hands flat on the table to prevent herself from fidgeting. "Mr. Solo and I had one encounter a few days prior to the divorce mediation."

"And the nature of this encounter," the judge looked at her over his glasses.

"Romantic, Your Honor," Rey answered, attempting not to blush.

"I see," San Tekka flipped through a few other papers before looking up again. "At the time of this encounter were you aware that Mr. Solo was the husband of your client, Ms. Johansson?"

"No sir." Rey answered quickly so she wouldn't be accused to lying. "At the time Mr. Solo was using another name and I was unaware of any connection to Ms. Johansson."

San Tekka now turned Ben, "Were you using a different name to gain an…audience with Ms. Kenobi?"

"No sir." Ben stated just a quickly as Rey had, mimicking her confident tone. "During my time in the Marines I used the name Kylo Ren. I still use the name for business purposes. Rey…Ms. Kenobi only knew me as Ren."

"So there was no intent to persuade Ms. Kenobi to be more lenient towards your side of the divorce?"

"No, sir." Ben answered again.

"Hmm," the judge hummed and then went back to shifting through his papers. "Ms. Kenobi, when did you became aware that Kylo Ren was Ben Solo, your client's husband?"

"When he arrived to the divorce mediation and signing.

"And at that time what moves did you make to avoid a conflict of interest?"

Rey shifted in her seat, this is what it all came down to. "Nothing, Your Honor. I continued to work with my junior attorney, Ms. Tico, to proceed with the divorce of Mr. Solo and Ms. Johansson."

The judge remained silent for a moment, letting her admission sink in. Jessa sat back in her seat and smirked. "Yes, your junior attorney, Ms. Tico," the judge said flipping the papers again. "Ms. Tico, what was your involvement in this case?"

Rose sat up straight and addressed the judge, "I was in charge of meeting with Ms. Johansson, recording what she expected out of the divorce, researching Mr. Solo's assets, drafting the divorce papers, and filing them once medication was complete."

"What involvement did Ms. Kenobi have in the preparation and presentation of the divorce proceedings?

"As my superior, Ms. Kenobi checked the file for accuracy and acted as counsel during the mediation. In fact, she was unaware of Ms. Johansson's husband's name until the morning of hearing."

"So, Ms. Kenobi was only involved with this case as a secondary counsel and to oversee the case of a junior attorney?"

"Yes, Your Honor," Rose answered.

San Tekka was quiet for a long moment, still flipping through the filed divorce decree. "What is Ms. Johansson hoping to gain from this appeal?" The judge looked between the blonde and her dark haired attorney.

"My client is requesting that Ms. Kenobi pay a settlement of $50,000 for mental distress that my client endured since discovering the betrayal of her former representation."

"That's bullshit," Ben called out, looking right at the evil woman he was married to for six years.

"Mr. Solo," the judge's tone was harsh. "There will no more outbursts during this proceeding or you will be held in contempt. Do you understand?"

"Yes sir," Ben said through gritted teeth.

"Is your client asking for anything else?"

Netal folding her hands coolly over her notes, "An additional $1500 per month in alimony for the duration of the agreed upon six year period."

"Your Honor," Hux finally interjected. "As you can see in the original filing that Ms. Johansson has been generously compensated and awarded property in the divorce."

"It is noted, Ms. Netal that your client has a higher than mandated percentage of Mr. Solo's income. It is not the intent of this court to leave Mr. Solo destitute."

"He has his retirement from the military," Jessa spouted off, "I should get half."

The judge raised his eye brows when the blonde spoke out of turn, but he shifted the papers and pulled out Ben's award letter from the Veteran's Affairs that was included in the case file. "You said you are a Marine Mr. Solo?"

"Yes, sir."

San Tekka reached up and tapped his left collar bone, indicating he had seen the Purple Heart ribbon pin on Ben's lapel. "Where did you serve?"

"Afghanistan, sir."

"Thank you for your service and your sacrifice."

"Apparently I didn't sacrifice enough since I'm the one sitting here while many will never be this lucky." While Ben's words may have been laced with some sarcasm, they were also sadly true. He wondered if Nestor would be thankful to be in his current predicament if it meant being alive to see his girls grow up.

Netal rapped her finger nails across the polished service of the table. The judge shifted his gaze back to the attorney and her client. "Per federal law, no part of a veteran's disability retirement will be awarded to anyone apart from the veteran."

Ben smirked remembering how Rey had stuck up for him in the original mediation.

"The current divorce decree will stand. No additional monies will be awarded to Ms. Johansson by Ms. Solo."

Jessa smacked her lips together and practically threw herself back in her chair, obviously dissatisfied with the judge's ruling.

"On the matter of a settlement between Ms. Kenobi and Ms. Johansson due to _mental_ _distress_ ," even the judge said those words with a hint of amusement, "I will request that a settlement in the amount of $10,000 be awarded to Ms. Johansson along with any legal fees that were paid to Ms. Kenobi for services pertaining to the divorce will be returned."

Jessa sat forward in her seat and pointed a perfectly polished fingers at Rey, "She is still sleeping with him! It wasn't just a one time thing before they knew who each other were. She's still fucking my husband! I want her fired! I want her de-barred!"

This time San Tekka picked up his gavel and stuck it against the sound block, "Ms. Netal please get your client under control." His tone was warning.

The dark haired attorney pulled at Jessa's arm, "You're not helping," she hissed.

"As for the matter of an ongoing relationship between Mr. Solo and Ms. Kenobi, that will be noted and reviewed during the pending ethical hearing." He pointed a look at Jessa, waiting for her to interject again, when she didn't he continued. "Do any of the parties have any other concerns or requests of the court?"

"No, Your Honor," Rey said, biting the inside of her lip.

"No, Your Honor," Hux answered, very happy with the way this hearing had gone for his client at least.

Netal dipped her head towards Jessa, "You should take the deal. If you fight it you are likely to get even less."

Jessa stared across at her ex-husband, but he only had eyes for the mousy lawyer. She knew that look, she had seen it before Ben had become Kylo Ren and was shipped off to war. It was love, her emotionally stunted, damaged, asshole of an ex was once again in love. "Fine," she hissed back at her attorney.

"No, Your Honor," Netal stated. "My client agrees with your ruling."

Judge San Tekka slammed down his gavel again, "This case is adjourned and this ruling is final." He pulled the scattered papers in front of him in to a pile and slid them back into the folder they had come out of before pulling out another folder. "We will have a ten minute recess before commencing with the ethical implications of this case."

"All rise," the secretary stated again from her corner and every one rose as the judge exited the room. "Ms. Netal, Ms. Johansson you are excused from the next part of the hearing."

Jessa narrowed her eyes at Rey and put her hand on her hip, "I want to stay and watch as everything you hold dear is taken from you, just so you will know how it feels."

"Jessa," Ben sounded exhausted. "That's enough. You got want you wanted."

"What I wanted..." she scoffed. "What I wanted was to stay married to you!"

"Why? So we could be miserable for the rest of our lives? So we could live apart? So you could slowly grow to hate me because you would never take the time to understand who came back from the desert?"

"Oh don't pull that Ben Solo, Kylo Ren crap on me. You changed because you were too weak and couldn't man up and deal with what you saw over there. You are pathetic. I glad we never had children, because they would only be embarrassed to have you as a father." She appeared to spit venom with each insult.

Rey jumped from her seat and now was really lunging for Jessa. The only thing that stopped her was Hux's arms wrapping around her arms and chest, holding her in place. "Easy there Kenobi," Hux whispered to her.

Ben clinched and relaxed his fists a few times, taking in a few deep breaths, but he was thankful when the secretary intervened, "Ms. Netal, please control your client before I ask the judge back in and he will hold her in contempt."

The attorney nodded and placed a hand on Jessa's back, pushing her from the room.

"Good-bye, Jessa," Ben said in a calm tone even though his brain was starting to shut down from the over-emotional exchange.

"Fuck you, Kylo!" The blonde yelled over her shoulder as the secretary moved across the room and shut the door.

Hux released Rey and she fell back into her chair. "Can we have the room?" Ben asked and then his attorney, Rose, and the secretary moved towards the exit.

"It's not smart for us to be alone in here," Rey said, still not taking her face from her hands.

Ben moved to her, dropping to his knees in front of her, not caring that he would get lint and carpet fibers on his slacks. He placed his hands on her pencil skirt covered thighs. "Rey," he attempted to get her attention.

She didn't want to look at him, if she did she may cry, or yell, or try to run, or a combination of all three. But when he squeezed her legs with his large hands, she finally moved her fingers away from her face.

"Rey," he started again. "Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for? We already knew that she wouldn't get anything else out of you."

He shook his head, "When are you going to understand that none of those things matter. She could have the bar...she could have my VA money, I don't care."

"I don't understand..."

He smirked now, "You were about to go all foster care justice on her..."

Rey jerked her head back, not sure if she should be offended or amused by his comment. She knew that he didn't judge her for her history in the system and assumed that he was complementing her on being scrappy. "What she said to you..."

"Was her way of lashing out to hurt me."

Now relaxing and resting her hands over his, feelings a need to provide him comfort, she spoke, "Has she said things like that to you before?"

He really didn't feel like dredging up the past. He had hopefully rid himself of Jessa for the rest of his life and he didn't want to go backwards, only forwards, only with Rey. "It's in the past, and I'm prepared to let it go...to let the past die." He looked up at her now, "Are you?"

Rey opened her mouth to speak but was cut off when the door on the other side of the room opened and she shot to her feet.

Judge San Tekka stopped mid step, "Did I just walk in on a proposal?"

"No...No Your Honor," Rey stammered and she motioned for Ben to get off his knees and stand.

Ben thought that he saw a brief moment of disappointment cross the judge's face but he ignored it and offered to retrieve Hux and the secretary.

Once they were all back in their seats San Tekka addressed them. "I have asked Mr. Solo to stay so that I can have the most accurate information concerning the ethical concerns of this case. Mr. Solo you are welcome to receive counsel from you attorney, but there are no wrong answers here as long as they are the truth."

Ben nodded in understanding but decided to have Hux stay for the review, mostly so that he could get a better understanding of the judge's ruling and the implications for Rey after the fact.

"So Rey," the judge started but turned to his secretary, "Please insert Ms. Kenobi's proper name for the record." The woman typing in the corner nodded. San Tekka started again, "So Rey, take it from the top. What happened? It's just us now, so please be candid."

She eyed Hux, but figured since he was close friends with Ben that he would know the entire story. "The Friday before Ben's..." Rey too turned to the secretary, "Mr. Solo's divorce I found out that my long term boyfriend was cheating on me, so I ended that relationship. To cheer me up, Rose...Ms. Tico and another friend took me out on Saturday night. We ended up in Ben's bar."

The judge looked to Ben ,"I own and operate a place in the West Village."

San Tekka nodded and turned back to Rey, "Continue."

"I will admit that I was drinking that night and became intoxicated." Rey looked down as if ashamed.

"Of age drinking is not a crime Rey," the judge reassured. "Please continue."

"There was a guy who was semi-harassing me," the judge rose an eye brow a her, so Rey clarified. "He was attempting to take me home for unwanted and most likely forced relations." San Tekka nodded and held out his hand, indicating that she should keep going. "Ben intervened and offered to walk me home."

"And this was the same night of the prior indicated romantic relations?"

"Yes, Your Honor," Rey confirmed. "It was meant to be just a one time thing..." Rey blushed, "...not that I often...or ever engage in one time only...uh...relations."

"Your virtue is not being called in to question, Rey."

She nodded and kept going, "After the...you know…relations, we went our separate ways and figured that we wouldn't see each other again."

"That's not true," Ben interjected. "I wanted to see you again. I left you my number remember?"

Now Rey really did blush, "So maybe we had a desire to see each other again, but then two days later, fate was cruel and he walked into my office as Ben Solo, the man divorcing my client."

"Why didn't you take yourself out of the equation and excuse yourself from the medication? It would have made all of this inconsequential."

"That's what I said," Hux sat forward and added his two cents.

Rey shrugged, "I don't know. I guess I was too shocked to think about the implications. I also didn't think that a relationship would grow between us. I didn't know how important he would end up being. I thought that no one had to know about the time I spent with Kylo Ren."

"Sir...Your Honor," Ben spoke up. "I gave Jessa everything she wanted in the divorce. The only thing that Rey denied her was my VA money, which you too denied her. Rey had no conflict in representing her client. Jessa is only doing this to hurt me, by hurting Rey."

San Tekka sat back in his chair, "That may be the case, but a complaint was registered with the Board and it must be reviewed. The question will be if I find the accusations of a conflict of interest to be unfounded or not."

"I know you will be fair in your ruling," Rey said, accepting her fate.

"Rey," the judge sat forward again, reaching out and placing his hand over her on top of the table, "You do great work in the community. You give a voice to all of those kids who have been in less than loving environments. I don't want this to hinder the good work that you are doing."

"What are you saying?" Rey felt the burn at the back of her eyes as if tears were forming.

"The Code of Ethics is not cut and dry about this type of situation, we are expected to use our best judgment, and when we don't, then it is up to people like me to interpret the Code and make a ruling. I have to ask...do you plan to continue your relationship with Mr. Solo?"

Rey blinked, holding her tears at bay and she looked from the judge's face to Ben's. His expression was a mix of hope and dread. This was the point when she had to decide how much she was willing to give up for him. The way that the judge made it sound it was either satisfy your own person wants or abandon one of the best things that had happened in her life for the good of others.

She was quiet too long and Ben couldn't hold her gaze any more. He lowered his eyes to the table, biting at the inside of his lip attempting not to yell, rage, destroy something, cry, beg, plead…anything to stop the pain that was ripping his heart in two.

"Yes..." her voice was so low that she was surprised anyone heard. "Yes, I plan to keep seeing Ben."

* * *

**AN: I am so excited about the next few chapters of this story! I have so much planned out and that does help when trying to get chapters out for y'all. Keep up the support with the comment, favs, and follows. Getting those emails and reading your kind words really make this possible. Once again, you are awesome!**

**Chapter Title Song: Astrid S - Hurts So Good**

 

 


	17. Easy Go

**UYEasy Go**

Ben's eyes shot up from their downward gaze and looked at the amazing woman next to him that had just chosen him, above all else, she chose him. Without another thought he took her face in his hands and planted his lips firmly to his.

All of the sound in the room disappeared and for that short moment it was just the two of them. He leaned his forehead against hers as her breath shuttered out of her chest, "Thank you," he whispered between them.

The sound of the gavel rapping brought them back, "I will have order," the judge drawled but perhaps he had a small smirk on his lips.

Hux coughed uncomfortably next to them and the secretary stifled a giggle. "Penny, please redact that action from the official record."

"Yes, Your Honor."

"Ben," Rey breathed, half stunned and half embarrassed.

"Sorry, Your Honor," Ben met the old man’s gaze. "I don't know what came over me."

"I do," San Tekka pointed out and then smirked, "But these chambers are no place for it."

Rey looked back down at her joined hands waiting for the hearing to continue.

"Mr. Solo, Mr. Hux. Thank you for attending today's hearing and providing your truthful testimony." He held up his hand, "You both are dismissed."

Rey didn't want to look up to see the worried expression on Ben's face. She knew that he would have stayed in there against the judge's instructions if she needed him, but this was something that she got herself into and she could take whatever punishment that the judge saw fit. "Thank you Hux," she said looking at the other attorney and her gaze shifted every so quickly, "Ben."

His lips pressed together, fully aware that she was dismissing him. It hurt to know in this moment that she didn't need him, but it also made him proud that she was a strong, independent, professional woman who didn't need saving.

Once the two men were escorted from the room, the secretary, who's name was now revealed to be Penny, took back up her seat in the corner of the room. "This is off the record," San Tekka reassured as Penny closed her lap top. "Rey, what are you thinking?"

She bit her lip, trying not to cry...trying not to blurt out every feeling running through her mind. So instead she took a calming breath and sip of water from the completely untouched glasses on the table. "I'm thinking that fate doesn't make mistakes."

The judge sighed and sat back in his seat, no longer judge, jury, and executioner, but rather a concerned peer.

"You know my background," she said and picked at the corner of her legal pad. When she and the judge met last year on the Child Neglect Committee, she had disclosed her reasons for her passion for that type of law. "He understands my past and I understand his. There is no prejudice or blame. He can be a better man, and I can help him."

"But at what cost?" San Tekka sat forward again, making his point as he motioned around the room at her current situation.

Rey looked down and then back up, "I guess that is for you to decide, but I won't apologize for wanting to be a part of his life...I can't because it would be a bold face lie."

"Two broken pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that somehow fit together," the judge said more to himself.

"Something like that," Rey breathed out, a slight smirk pulling at her lips as she like to think of them as two parts of a whole.

"Well," the judge gathered his papers again and motioned for Penny to resume the record, "I would like to make a judgment today so that you are not held in suspense."

Rey swallowed thickly and waited.

"While you were not the chief attorney for the divorce of Mr. Solo and Ms. Johansson, you were the acting supervisor and did not redact yourself from the medication when it was made aware to you that you had a prior relationship with Mr. Solo."

Rey nodded, agreeing with the judge's assessments of the situation.

"It is the ruling of this court that you will pay the $10,000 to Ms. Johansson for emotional damages," he looked up at Rey and rolled his eyes, making her smirk. "You will also be suspended from practicing fee based law for thirty days."

"Fee based law?" Rey questioned.

"You will still consult, but not present, on cases for the Child Neglect Committee, consider it community service. But you are not to engage in, or over see cases where clients are expected to pay a fee for services."

She nodded again in understanding. She had some vacation time saved up, so she could easily take thirty days off work, let this whole thing blow over and then go back as if nothing had happened. "I'm guessing this is effective immediately?"

"Yes, but Monday will officially start the clock on your thirty days."

"Thank you, Your Honor." Rey stated, knowing that this could have been much worse. In the end she had not lost her privileges to practice, she had not lost Ben, and she was looking forward to taking the rest of the day off and submitting her request for time off from the firm.

San Tekka stood and Rey followed, "This is strike number one Ms. Kenobi. I don't want to see you back in here for another lapse in judgment."

"No, sir. I don't plan on having to see you again in this capacity." They shook hands and with small smiles at each other the judge took his leave. Rey fell back into her chair, exhaling the majority of her stress.

Penney collected her lap top and walked towards the other door, "You're lucky, you know," she said over her shoulder.

"I know," Rey said. "I think the judge went easy on me."

"I didn't mean the judge," Penny said with a small giggle. "I meant having someone who loves you like Mr. Solo does."

Rey turned in her chair, looking at the pretty secretary, Rey's expression was confused and then melted into shock.

"I've said too much," Penny now hurried out of the room, leaving Rey to her own thoughts.

She sat in silence for a long moment before shaking any remaining thoughts from her mind. She collected her papers and shoved everything back into her bag, pushing her chair back up against the table before exiting the room. Penny was at her desk with her head down, typing the official minutes for their meeting.

Back out in the hall of the court house, Ben was sitting on a low wooden bench, his suit jacket thrown over his knee, which was bouncing impatiently. He looked up when he heard her heels clicking on the marble floor.

"So?" He asked, throwing his jacket on to the bench and striding towards her.

"A months suspension, but I can still consult on the pro-bono cases with the state. I just can't work for fees."

"That's good, right?" He placed his hands on her shoulders with a reassuring touch.

"As good as can be expected. There will be a mark on my license from the complaint and the hearing, but nothing that would prevent me from practicing law in the future."

Ben breathed a sigh on relief that he didn't know he had been holding. "And your plans for the rest of the day?" He hoped that she would want to spend it with him.

Rey's body seemed to relax under his touch, "I need to go to the firm and put in for a month of vacation time and collect some items from my office."

"Okay," he sounded a little dejected. "I'll walk you out." He collected his jacket and threw it over his right arm as his left wrapped around her shoulders and he pulled her into the side of his body as they made their way out onto the street.

"Cab?" he asked.

She nodded, not sure if her weak legs and aching feet could make the ten block walk. Ben used his impressive high to hale a cab to the curb. He opened the door for her and leaned down to kiss her before depositing her in the back seat.

"Thank you," he said again. "For fighting for us."

She smiled at him and Ben closed the door of the cab, smacking his hand on the roof twice, indicating that the driver should be on his way.

Ben walked in silence for about seven blocks, just letting the events of the day wash over him. He couldn't keep the stupid grin from his face and as the sweat from the summer day started to run down his back, he ducked into a subway station to ride the rest of the way home.

* * *

Rey made it back to her office just after lunch time but only half of the office staff was present in the large open area where the junior attorneys and investigators sat. Finn offered her a bright smile as she approached, "How did it go?"

"Better than expected, but I won't be around much for the next month, so I will need you to look after Rose and make sure she doesn't get eaten alive by Derik Maul." Rey looked at the office next to hers, the fore mentioned man was yelling at someone on the phone, and Rey wasn't sure how that guy had not already died from a heart attack.

She started to enter her office to collect some of her state files when Finn walked in, "I almost forgot. This message was sent up about thirty minutes ago."

Taking the memo, Rey saw it was from their quality manager and he had requested to see her before the day was out. She figured this would happen, since her summons would have been also filed with the firm. "Better go take care of this," Rey said, setting down her bag and blazer before walking to the other side of the office which took up an entire floor of their uptown building.

Stopping for just a moment outside of the dark office door, Rey appraised the bronze name plate, _Plagueis_ _Snoke - Quality Manager_ and straighten her skirt and smoothed out her hair before knocking.

"Ah, Ms. Kenobi. Please come in." Snoke ushered her in with an outstretched hand.

He was an older man, the grandfather of one of the partners who had stopped practicing law ages ago, but still liked to have a hand in running the firm. He was tall, maybe even taller than Ben and his skin was pale and thin, showing his age. His face was pocked with acne scars from his youth and his facial features were hollow.

Rey sat in one of the chairs across his desk and watched him lean back his chair, pressing the fingers of his two hands together, looking all of the villain that his reputation boasted. "I hear there was an inquisition today."

Her face scrunched at his choice of words, "There was an ethical hearing that Judge San Tekka presided over."

"Lor San Tekka. How is the old man?"

She wanted to snort at Snoke calling the judge old…much like the pot calling the kettle black, but she held her expression, "He is well. I work with him often on the Child Neglect Committee."

Snoke opened a folder on his desk, "Yes…your charity work with the _orphans_ ," he spoke the last word as if it was a curse. When Rey didn't engage, he continued, "What was the outcome of the hearing? Were you found as incompetent as the allegations made you sound?"

Rey really hated this guy, he got his jollies off by making people squirm and for a moment she pictured pushing him down the elevator shaft. "The divorce for our client held and it was deemed that I would service out a month suspension and pay a settlement to Ms. Johansson."

"Hmm," he hummed. "Tell me Rey…it's fine if I call you Rey?" He didn't allow her to answer before speaking again, "Do you often find yourself in promiscuous situations or was this a one off?"

Now Rey was offended, "What I do in my personal life is none of your concern."

"Oh, but it is. When you go around spreading your legs for our client's husband it reflects badly on this firm."

She didn't know if she should go white with embarrassment or turn beet red with anger. Snoke had always given her the creeps, like the uncle at the family reunion that drank too much and had tried to explain to her that it wouldn't be taboo for them to hook up since Rey was technically not a blood relation. She bit the inside of her lip and tried not to instill some…what had Ben called it…foster care justice on the old man.

"I am going to cash in my vacation time and take leave from the firm for the month. When I return, I will be an exemplary employee and, God willing, won't end up in your office again." Her tone was laced with sickening sweet sarcasm and deep disgusting loathing.

"That is all well and good Rey, but the partners have asked me to do a thorough probing into the matter." His gaze raked over her body.

Rey stayed stoic, her chin held high, almost looking down her nose at him. She was defiantly getting creepy Uncle Jabba vibes from Snoke. "You should have access to the official minutes from the hearing by next week. Anything you need to know will be in there."

"Child…" he cooed at her, the tone made her outwardly shiver. "The information I seek is on a more…personal level."

Rey again refused to take the bait and just sat quietly.

When he got no other rise out of her, Snoke continued, pretending to read points off of a list, "How many time did you engage in sexual actively with Mr. Solo, including cunnilingus both performed or received?"

Now she couldn't believe her ears and her chest grew hot with rage, "I don't see how that is important to this matter or how it is any of your God damn business."

"Such fire!" Snoke said with a chuckle in his voice.

Rey now stood, her fists clenched at her sides, "Your questions are not appropriate and I think we should conclude this meeting before I have any more reason to report you to HR for harassment. You can request a copy of the official minutes and review the judges's ruling and email me with your decision."

As she started to walk towards the door and Snoke's voice cut through the air, "The partners wanted me to just fire you."

She stopped, turning on the balls of her feet to face him again, "Fire me? But it was handled quietly. Just a suspension."

Snoke shrugged, acting aloof as he too rose from his chair, picking up his slick ebony cane to help and compensate for a limp. His lean form had almost spider like movements as he approached her. "If word got out that our sexy young attorneys were out fucking our client's relations...well that wouldn't go so well for business."

"So you are firing me?" Rey was upset and trying to put some distance between herself and the elder who was stalking her across the room.

He was now standing over her and her back was pressed to the closed door, "I could be persuaded to keep you on if you were to offer me the same hospitality that was shown to your client's husband." Snoke ran the head of his cane up the inside of her leg.

Rey was frozen. The stale smell of his breath reminded her of foster dad number two who always had her sit on his lap while he drank beer and watched his late night shows. She closed her eyes, remembering the mental safe place that she had retreated into when she was a child.

But she was no longer a child. She wasn't powerless. She didn't have to just take the advances of a man in a superior position. She could fight. She could protect herself. "Plagueis," she used his first name firmly as a warning.

"Yes, my pet." Snoke cooed into the space by her neck.

"Let me out of here and I won't press charges."

His laugh made her skin crawl. The head of his cane was now inching up her skirt. "No one will believe you. I will tell them that you begged for your job and that you willingly sucked my cock to save your position."

Fight or flight was kicking in and she wasn't about to be forced to suck off the old shriveled cock of Snoke, so she brought her knee up, connecting with the flaccid organ that he had offered up to her. Snoke crumpled to the floor and she quickly opened the door to get away from him.

"You are fired Kenobi! You won't work in this city again!" Snoke called out to her as he cupped his wounded manhood.

Rey ran across the now empty floor to her office. She didn't even bother to gather items from her office, she just took her bag and raced for the lobby, taking the stairs down a few flights so that she wouldn't run into Snoke by the elevators.

Once she was in the elevator, she let the tears fall. On top of everything that had happened during the hearing this morning she had been assaulted by Snoke and then fired from her job. All of her worst fears were coming true. She thought that she got away with her relationship with Ben with just a slap on the wrist, but now her entire world was falling apart.

She caught a cab and went straight to her apartment. She stripped of her clothes and stepped into the shower, scrubbing the smell and feel of Mr. Snoke off her skin. Her cries came out in violent heaves, she almost made herself physically sick with the force of her despair.

After her shower she wiped the condensation from her mirror and her gaze shifted over to Ben's phone number that was still written in the green marker. She knew it was a sign that she should call him, but she just couldn't, she wasn't ready to tell him that all of her worst fears had come true.

Instead she warmed up some left overs for dinner and sat down in her living room to call her mom.

Millie picked up on the second ring, "Hello, my love!" Her tone was cheerful as always.

"Hey mum…" her voice cracked, not even able to get past pleasantries.

"Rey, what's wrong? Why are you upset?" Even though Millie Kenobi and Rey were not biologically related, once Rey had come into their home there was a very deep connection between the two.

When Rey was a young girl, she didn't talk much. Being invisible in some foster homes meant that you avoided unwanted attention from the adults, whether that was being asked to do more chores or uncomfortable advances.

But Millie had been able to get Rey out of her shell. She had waited, giving the girl the time and space she needed to blossom in her adolescence. So even with the littlest of voice inflections, Millie Kenobi was able to determine that something was off with her daughter.

Rey sniffed, "I got fired from the firm today."

"What?" Millie asked with surprise. "I thought that you were up to make partner later this year. Everything has been going so well."

"Yeah...but there was a conflict of interest that the owners just couldn't over look and they let me go." Rey didn't know how much she really wanted to disclose and she had already thought about taking some of her month suspension and visiting her parents. Perhaps this story was better told face to face.

"A conflict of interest...that doesn't sound like you Rey. You have always been so rational with your professional actions."

"I know mum," it killed Rey to hear the disappointment in her mother's voice. She had only taken their name all those years ago because she planned to make them proud. She never wanted to soil the Kenobi name, because they had given her the one thing she wanted more than anything...a family.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Millie offered in her soft motherly tone.

Rey sniffed and wiped the tears from her eyes, "Not right now, but I'm thinking about coming home."

Home...Rey thought to herself. She had once called home a beat up pickup truck that she lived in with her bio-parents, then home was the comfort of a blanket that she got from foster home number three, then she met Millie and she became the meaning of home. It was the smell of her mother baking cookies, or the curt British tone she took when she was displeased with Obi. Home was people, it took a long time for Rey to realize this.

"I think that is a good idea..."

Now Rey was sensing something in her mother's tone, "What is it mum?"

There was a long pause and then finally Millie sighed, "He didn't want to tell you yet, knowing that you have been busy with work, but your father was been seeing an oncologist over the past few months and they have told him that there is nothing else they can do."

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**AN: OMG...three updates in two days. I must really love y'all and really love this story. Your responses to the last chapters were amazing and that is what pushed me to work on this chapter today.**

**Your sweet comment make me smile and I can not thank you enough for the uplifting. As always, leave me your thoughts and kind words, they really do mean the world.**

**Chapter Title Song: Grandtheft & Delaney Jane - Easy Go**

 

 


	18. Don't Speak

**AN: This chapter took a little extra time this week because it needed to be right and finally it happened tonight.**

**As always you guys blow me away with your love and support. Each** **review/comment, fav, and follow is like a little drop of heaven.**

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**Don't Speak**

Ben had not heard from Rey since depositing her into the taxi outside of the court house and he was beginning to get worried. Usually she at least sent him a few texts throughout his shift at the bar and always one before she went bed.

So on Saturday morning he made the decision to stop by her place on his jog and check on her. Even though he finished up with the books for the bar at four in the morning, he was not able to sleep and was out on the street stretching at nine.

Since changing his running route a few weeks back, heading to her place was like second nature and within ten minutes he was slowing his long strides in front of the red brick building. Her lobby door wasn't lock, which he didn't like for security reason, but for now he was thankful to have quick access to the building.

His breathing was just staring to slow as he knocked on door 6B. "Just a minute!" He heard from the other side of the door and he picked up the hem of his shirt, bringing it to his face to wipe the beads of sweat that surfaced from the humid air that had settled in the city.

Rey stumbled to the door and clicked over the two locks before pulling it open. She was met with the exposed chest and abdomen of Ben as he pulled the material of his shirt over his top lip. "Ben..." Rey breathed. "What are you doing here?"

With her less than warm welcome and after appraising her appearance Ben became even more concerned. She had dark circles under her hazel eyes that didn't seem to shine as brightly. In fact he focused on how red and bloodshot they looked. This only meant one thing, she had been crying and something drastic had changed since they left the judge's chambers the day prior.

"I didn't hear from you. I was worried," he finally said after taking in the rest of her body. She was dressed in pair of leggings and a baggy tee-shirt, her sleep tousled hair was piled onto the top of her head in a messy bun.

"Well I'm fine," Rey closed the door some, wedging herself between it and the doorframe to prevent Ben from seeing into her apartment.

He narrowed his eyes at her behavior and tried to peer over her head, his mind going to the worst possible scenario, "What's going on Rey?"

"Nothing Ben," she answered but couldn't hold his gaze and instead looked down at the wooden floor at his feet.

"Is there someone in there with you?"

Her eyes shot up, "No...what?" She was confused.

"Look Rey, I know we didn't talk about being exclusive, but I figured after yesterday it was pretty obvious that..." he was rambling and now running his hands through his sweaty hair.

"No one is in here with me." Rey's voice was small but firm.

He looked up at her again, "So why won't you let me in? What are you hiding?" His trust issues were showing and he thought that Rey of all people would know how hard it would be for him to completely let his guard down and give himself fully and willingly to someone.

Rey bit her lip before sighing and stepping back from the door, opening it wider so he could enter.

"I'm not trying to be a dick," Ben started to defend, "I was just worry after I didn't hear from you." He walked into the apartment and stopped dead when he got to the living room.

There sitting on the floor by the kitchen bar was three packed suitcases, by the looks of it Rey was planning a long trip. "You going somewhere?" He asked without taking his eyes off the bags, anger and dread rising in his chest.

"Ben..." Rey tried, closing her apartment door and walking towards him.

"You were just going to leave me without saying anything?" He was so betrayed and it showed on his face, his lips quivering in despair.

"You don't understand..."

"You're right. How could I when you weren't even going to talk to me before skipping town?" He fingered his hair again, slightly pulling at the roots and started to pace her living room. His voice rose as his emotions bubbled, "What was the point of yesterday...of all that stress if you were just going to leave me?"

Rey knew that he was on the tipping point and she now realized how bad of an idea it was to just leave him without an explanation. She needed to get him to calm down so that she could reason with him. "Ben..." she tried again, approaching him with an outstretched hand. "I can explain, just please sit down and we can talk." She felt like she was talking someone off a ledge.

But he responded to her touch, and as her fingers slid across his forearm he was able to look down at her and take a few deep breaths. She led him over to the couch, not caring that he was sweaty as all sin. She sat down on her coffee table, knowing that she needed to be on his level, that she needed to be in his range of focus.

She started with the most pressing factor, "Yes I'm leaving..."

His lips curled into his mouth as the anger boiled again but as Rey's thumb passed along his chin he was able to exhale and his dark eyes bore into her, "You said you wouldn't leave me. You said we would have a next time, that you would be around for the time after that, that you weren't going anywhere."

"I'm going home...my father is," she looked up, blinking back tears. "He's not well and they need me."

Ben's body relaxed some, "You could have told me...you should have told me." His heart had been on the verge of being shredded by the small woman sitting in front of him but now the force that was at the helm of the pain seemed to provide him a small sense of respite.

"I know," now the tears were really falling and her breaths came in frantic gasping inhales.

Looking over her shuddering form he got the notion that she wasn't telling him everything, but he still reached out and took one of her hands in his, running his thumb over her knuckles. "It's not just your dad...what else happened? You were fine at the court house yesterday."

She still sobbed and he wanted to take her into his arms but he also knew that she needed to get this out and he needed answers. "Is this about the suspension? Did the judge change his mind?"

Finally she took a few breaths and while still looking down at their joined hands she shook her head no.

"Then what happened?" He was borderline desperate now.

The laugh that escaped her was not what either of them were expecting but that was the sound her crazed mind decided on. "They fired me."

Ben jerked back as if he was punched in the gut. "They fired you?" He tried to wrap his head around her words. A sad smile ghosted on her lips and she just nodded. "Can they even do that?"

Rey released his hand and threw her arms out to the side as if saying ' _Who the fuck knows?_ '.

"What happened?" Ben pressed again.

The tears started again as she thought about her _meeting_ with Snoke. Ben gripped her hand again as she used her shirt to wipe at her face. "When I got back to the office I was called to the quality manager's office to discuss the findings of the hearing."

Her body visibly shivered and he squeezed her hand, "That's pretty normal isn't it?"

Rey let another dark laugh escape her. "Sure, the hearing review is standard. What wasn't protocol is that old bastard coming on to me and attempting to _probe_ me with his cane."

"What?" Ben asked dumbly as if he was missing something.

"Plagueis Snoke, the QM. He offered to save my job if I, and I quote, got on my knees, sucked his cock, and begged."

Ben felt the room around him go still and a wave of pure hot rage washed over his mind. It was like the calm moment right before he pulled the trigger to end a foe. And just as quickly Rey's voice brought him back as she called his name and was trying to pull her hand free of his.

"Ben, you're hurting me," Rey called again and finally his eyes met hers and he released her hand. She rubbed at her fingers that had been mashed together under his grip and she was sure that she would have small bruise where her knuckles had pressed into each other.

He didn't even attempt to apologize, anger still swirled inside of him, "Did he touch you, Rey?"

She was still nursing her fingers and offhandedly answered, "He tried to put his creepy cane up my skirt and maybe touched my hair or neck...I was just tying to get out of there and survive." That is what Rey did best, she survived, whether it was her up bringing, her abandonment, the foster system, always feeling like an outcast, less than, or the advances of old bastards. She survived.

"I'm going to kill him," Ben was up off the couch now stalking towards the door.

Rey jumped into action and ran after him. She had no doubt that he meant what he said, nor did she doubt that he was capable of killing. She wondered how much blood was on his hands, but it was a question she would never ask.

"Ben! No...wait!" She reached out and grabbed onto his wrist trying to get him to stop.

He rounded on her, swinging his arm out and pulling his wrist out of her grip.

In the process Rey was thrown off balance and she toppled to the floor under the force of him pulling away from her. She landed against a thankfully padded arm chair, but she could tell that her hip would be tender for a few days.

"Fuck!" he yelled out, rounding again and putting his fist though the drywall of her hallway before pressing his back against the opposite wall and sliding down until he was seated on the floor, his head buried in between his knees.

Rey saw his shoulder heaving and she crawled across the floor towards him, reaching out a hand to caress his upper arm. She was startled when he jerked away from her touch. "I keep hurting you," he seethed as he lifted his head and looked at her.

She understood that he wasn't angry with her, but rather with himself, so she sat across the hall from him, mimicking his position. "I know you don't mean to..."

"But it still happened," he bit out between clenched teeth. "Why are you with me? I'm not a good person. I don't do good things."

Rey's heart was breaking for him. "You are good Ben." She looked down now, picked at her leggings. "I shouldn't have told you about Snoke. I should have known that it would upset you."

Now Ben's face looked pained, "You should be able to tell your boyfriend that your asshole boss made a pass at you without getting hurt in the process. You should never have to suffer alone."

"Neither should you," Rey said with conviction. Why was he able to think that he deserved any less comfort than she did?

"But not like this. Not at the expense of your safety."

"What are you saying Ben?" Rey now rose to her feet, standing over him.

He dropped his head between his knees again, not being able to fathom what he was about to say. "You should go and when you get back maybe we should pretend like this never happened."

Rey was silent for a long moment and then she snapped. "How dare you!"

Ben looked up, shocked by her tone. He stood and was pinned against the wall as she pushed her finger into his chest.

"I took a risk on you, with my family, with my friends, my job, and career!" She was seething at him, jabbing her pointer finger into the center of his chest. "I lost my job because of you! My friends think that I'm some weak battered woman. I risked everything and now you just want to walk away? What is wrong with you?"

"I'm fucked in the head, remember!" He pointed his fore and middle at his temple, leaning down into her space and raising his voice.

"That doesn't get to be your excuse to run from everything that might be uncomfortable." She yelled back, jutting out her chin and staring him down.

"Last I checked, you were the one running," His teeth were clenched and he was trying to keep his cool.

Rey sighed loudly, pressing her hands to the side of her head before throwing them out to her sides. "Have you ever thought that I'm not running away for you, but towards something else? Like my family who needs me!"

Ben's expression soften for just a moment and Rey took this moment to reach back out to him, resting her hand against his chest. "I was wrong to not tell you that I was leaving the city, but you don't get to give up on us when it gets tough."

"I'm trying to save you from me," Ben was pleading with her. "Everything I care about turns to shit. I have already ruined you..."

"You haven't ruined me..." Rey tried to defend not allowing him to finish his thought.

He couldn't take being pinned against the wall anymore and he moved to pace her living room again. "Because of me, you lost your job. For the rest of our lives you will hold that over me. You will grow to hate me for what I have taken from you."

"You don't know that."

"That is what people in my life do! I disappoint them and then they _hate_ me for it!"

Rey was upset, "When have I ever treated you like anyone else in your life? I am not your mother! I am not Jessa!"

"There is a reason that none of my personal relationships work out. I'm just trying to save us both from more pain down the line."

Another layer of Ben Solo's emotional issues were coming to the surface and Rey felt a stabbing in her heart for him. She also knew that she needed to talk him back down again, so she walked over to him and took both of his hands in hers. "When given the chance during the hearing yesterday I could have just walked away from us, but you told me to fight for us..."

Ben pulled away from her and went to sit back down on the couch, not knowing where she was going with this thought process and not wanting to be too close to her when she broke the bad news to him. That maybe she agreed with his distorted thinking. While it may have been his idea to call off this relationship, he had hoped that she would fight for them.

"...so I did. But regardless of what my choice was, I would have still been fired, and then I would be without a job and without you. I wasn't willing to take the risk." She took a deep breath and went to sit back in front of him on the coffee table "What did you tell me you were risking?"

He looked up at her now. "I was risking losing you."

Rey nodded her head slowly, "So why are you trying to throw me away?" Her words had a deeper meaning that she was ever intended.

He stood quickly, throwing his arms out and yelling down at her, "I'm trying to save you!"

"I don't need saving!" She stood too and paced away from Ben across her living room. "I can't believe I have to do this with you." She looked back and pointing her finger at him, "I have had to defend my feelings for you to my friends, my job, the New York Board, and mostly to myself, but I shouldn't have to defend what we have to you."

He laced his fingers together on the top of his head, pressing his skull between his hands out of frustration. They were getting no where and if he was being honest, he wasn't really sure at this point which way he wanted this to go.

Finally he exhaled and threw himself back into the couch, "What do you want Rey?"

She put her hands on her hips, matching his exhausted tone. "What do _you_ want Ben?"

"I want you!" He tilted his head back and his face scrunched as if he didn't mean to speak the words aloud and they caused him pain.

"Then what's the problem?"

His eyes flashed to her again, "Because what I want and what is best for you are two completely different things."

Rey huffed, rolled her eyes, and threw her hands up in the air all at the same time. She turned her back to him and placed her face in her hands, taking a few deep breaths. Finally an impulse ran through her and she rounded, moving across the space with speed and launched herself at him.

Ben realized that she was coming at him when she was already in mid-air and he reached out his hands to either cushion her fall or ward her off depended on what her next move was.

What he didn't expect was for her to place herself in his lap, pull at his hair and crash her lips to his. On instinct, he gripped at her hips, her rear, her back, pulling her closer and enveloping her.

Rey's thought had been to remind him of their connection. To show him that beyond the unconditional understanding of their past traumas, beyond the light hearted banter about their upbringing, beyond their ability to be happy just existing within each other's space, that there was an undoubting and unknown force that drew them to each other.

Her hands worked at the hem of his shirt and pulled the material over his head, throwing it on the floor behind her. "I want you," she spoke into his lips and ground herself closer to his bare skin.

A growl came from in his chest and his hands moved from the sides of her face to her hair. Threaded between her chestnut strands, he pulled her lips from his, resting his forehead against hers. "I'm no good for you," he said through gritted teeth.

"I don't care," Rey panted back at him, trying to reconnect her lips to his. Her nails clawed into his sides as she attempted to pull him closer to her again. "I want us," she repeated.

His expression looked pained again and he moved his hands down to her hips, pressing his fingers into her firm flesh.

"Ben," Rey tried again. "Tell me you want me too."

"No," he again said between clenched teeth, his eyes forced closed and his brows pinched together.

Rey sat back in his lap as if she has been physically slap by his response. "Look at me," she demanded. "Tell me you don't want me." She felt like a softball was stuck in her chest and she was keeping the tears at bay.

He pinched his expression once more and then his affect went flat. His mouth dropped into an uncaring frown and his dark eyes opened and they were void. "I don't want this."

Tears slid down her freckled cheeks and her lip quivered, "Don't do this Ben."

Not being able to watch her breaking in his lap, Ben focused on the coffee table behind her. He couldn't watch this. He knew what he had to do, and for a moment he wasn't sure if he had the strength. What he hid behind the mask of apathy that the military had taught him was that he was being torn apart and was too weak and foolish to free himself from the pain.

Rey reached up and ran her hand along his right cheek, her thumb grazing his nose and she tried to get him look at her again. She knew he was shutting down, if only she could get him to come back to her. "Ben," she tried again.

Her touch was like fire on his skin and he jerked his head, needing to be free of the compassion that seemed to flow through her. Ben gripped her hips again and threw her off his lap, having her land on the couch next to him.

He stood up before he could change his mind and strode towards the door, unable to look back.

"Coward!" Rey called out through tears at his retreating form.

On the other side of her door Ben was now holding in silent sobs. In the elevator he dry heaved, knowing exactly what he had just done to the most amazing woman he had ever met. He ran home faster and harder than normal, his bloodshot eyes burning against the hot city air.

He didn't want her. Those words had cut deep into the little abandoned girl who no one had came back for. She wanted to be wanted. When she was younger those words were all she ever wanted to hear. Rey had found that with Millie and Obi and for a fleeting moment she had thought that she found that with Ben.

Rey curled into the fetal position on the couch where he left her, she hugged a throw pillow to her chest, attempting to hold in the contents of her chest from the gaping wound that his rejection had inflicted upon her.

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**AN: I feel like I need to hide after this one and I wish I could say that it is going to be better sooner rather than later. There will be some heavy stuff in the next chapter but it wouldn't be Reylo if there wasn't angst.**

**Let me know what you think. It's not common in Reylo stories for Ben to call it off and be the one to walk away. Your thoughts, comments, and reviews make my heart happy.**

**Side note: Each chapter is named after a song and this one was almost named Un-Break My Heart...for reasons.**

**Chapter Title Song: No Doubt - Don't Speak**

 

 


	19. Darkside

**AN: This chapter is dedicated to a wonderful reader Missing A Muse. I promised not to break her heart anymore, but I have to break that promise.**

**This story is rated M for a reason and we have already touched on some major subject and we going down more dark roads in this chapter too.**

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**Darkside**

Rey allowed herself to sob uncontrollably on the couch for about an hour before she picked herself up like she always did. She could rely on herself and her parents and she wanted nothing more than to be back in her childhood home.

So she took a shower and changed into some travel clothes, packed a few last minute things and then took a cab to JFK for her 6 PM flight.

There was a layover in Atlanta but that was to be expected when flying into a smaller regional airport. So it was after eleven in the evening when she finally landed and close to midnight by the time she was hugging her mother by the baggage claim.

"Mum..." Rey was practically on the verge of tears just at the sight of her mother who seemed to have aged a few years since Christmas time.

"Rey, darling." Millie cooed and took her girl into her arms. She could feel the tension in her daughter's body and she cupped her cheeks, "Stiff upper lip until we get into the car...then you can tell me what happened and fall apart." When her daughter couldn't meet her gaze she corrected, "If you want, that is."

Rey nodded, thinking her mother's British ways were almost endearing. They collected her bags and walked out to a mini-van. "When did you become a soccer mom?"

"Since your father can no longer get up into the truck," Millie said with a mix of snark and remorse. Both herself and her husband had been trying to deal with his illness with humor, but it was hard to ignore his slight decline each day.

It was a fifteen minute drive from the airport to their waterside home. Millie always said that if they were going to retire and settle in Florida that she better have a water view and Obi had not disappointed. During the drive Rey just looked out of the window, seeing the new shops and restaurants that had popped up in the last six months, but mostly she was letting her home town and the presences of her mother calm her.

They parked in the garage and entered the home quietly. "You're father has been sleeping more," Millie offered a reason for her husband's absence for the homecoming.

The house was large, too much space for just two people in their seventies, but twenty years ago this house was busting with foster kids. Rey had grown up with many brothers and sisters, but she was the only one that stayed with Obi and Millie long term.

"We moved to the bedroom down here once it wasn't safe for Obi to go up and down the stairs." They both looked to a darkened hallway at the opposite side of the house. "I changed the sheets on your bed yesterday so your room should be all set up."

Rey nodded, just taking in the feeling of being _home_. The smell of tea that her mother had been sipping before driving to the airport. The quiet of their secluded neighborhood. The lack of light pollution. Just feeling the presence of her mother and father in the home was enough to start to heal her broken heart.

"We'll talk in the morning, dear." Millie placed her hand on Rey's cheek and gave her a weak smile. She wished that her daughter's visit came with better purposes. She wished that her husband wasn't ill and that the Rey that stood before her now didn't remind her of the scared eight year old who had come to them years ago.

Watching her mother disappear down the dark hall she noticed that the older and graying woman walked with a slight limp. She hoped that her mother was not neglecting herself to care for Obi, but Rey also knew that her mother would do anything for the man she loved.

So as quietly as she could, Rey took her three suitcases down to her old room. It looked the same as it had at Christmas, but the breezy beach theme was a long way from the dark purple paint and emo band posters that had adorned her walls in her youth.

The home was built into a hill that sloped up from the waterfront, so Rey's room was on the bottom floor that could almost be called a basement…if homes in Florida actually had basements. She had moved down there when she was fifteen and no longer shared a room with one of her foster sisters named Joy.

There was a small kitchen and rec room on the lower floor that had served as a hangout for her friends during high school. She was happy to be down in her own room because it almost felt like she had her own little apartment down there. If she was planning to stay with her parents for a while, Rey would be thankful for her own space.

It also didn't hurt that she had direct access to the pool, hot tub, and had spectacular water views from her bedroom window.

She had changed time zones, so she took the extra hour to unpack her things, hanging up her clothes and putting her toiletries in the attached bathroom.

As she took a shower that night she rubbed at her bruised hand and hip. Her eyes slid closed and she could feel Ben's hands on her, not in the manner that had caused the hurt, but in his soft and caring way.

Rey cried herself to sleep that night but vowed that these would be the last tears that she would shed over Ben Solo. She had so much to think about going forward with the only man deserving of the title father slowly dying up stairs, her mother who Rey could tell was already grieving, the decisions that will need to be made about her future and her career.

She couldn't waste any more of her mental energy on the man that she had spent an amazing but confusing three weeks with. So she went to sleep telling herself that she wouldn't think about his dark eyes, or the way he pushed his hair back from his face, the way his face lit up when seeing her, or the way that his breath shuttered in awe when he slid into her.

Letting out a sigh, Rey forced herself to sleep. But those dark eyes and those large hands plagued her dreams and she woke up even more frustrated.

* * *

Instead of running straight home, Ben pushed himself and ran until he made himself physically sick. After spewing his empty stomach in an alley way in Lower Manhattan, he gripped at his bare sides, feeling his lungs ache below his rib cage. But for a moment something on his body hurt more than his heart.

On the limping walk back to the bar he thought about all the damage he had just caused. He thought about going back over to Rey's and begging her to forget everything he just said, but she was right, he was a coward. He had taken what he thought at the time was the easy way out, but saying those harsh and utterly untrue words to Rey made the pain creep back up into his chest.

An empty bar and apartment awaited him and the new loneliness that settled around him was mocking. He reflected on everything and everyone he has lost over the years…his parents, his friends in the Corps, Jessa, and now Rey. The pain he felt now was like when he had found out that Nestor didn't make it.

He gathered the mail off the floor of the bar and walked up to his apartment throwing the few packages and envelopes onto his kitchen table. Bill…bill…credit card offer…and the white plastic packing bag that he knew was his new meds from the VA.

Ben read the label, _Restoril 15 mg, Take One Cap Before Bed to Help With Sleep._ He shook the bottle, the 90 day supply rattled against the plastic. He didn't want to take any more drugs, they never worked anyways.

Walking into his bathroom he placed the bottle on the counter top and stripped to take a shower. As the warm water rushed over him he looked down at his split knuckles where he had planted his fist into Rey's wall.

Looking over the back of his hands he then turned them over, seeing the rough flesh that had both brought Rey pleasure, but also caused her pain. He flashed back to his hands wrapped around her neck and then he remembered the fear that had ghosted across her face when he had pushed her down in her apartment today.

His large hands balled and his short nails dug into his palms as he pinched his face into an expression of pain and loathing.

Turning off the water he stepped out of the shower, not bothering to dry himself, Ben just stood on the mat as water pooled around his feet and he looked at his hazy silhouette in the foggy mirror. He gripped at the edge of the counter top before lifting his right hand and swapping it across the mirror.

His eyes were haunted, shallow, and vacant. He felt dead inside, like a darkness had taken over him. It was like when he woke in the ICU and was told that he was only one of three from his unit that survived the attack. Or when he had locked himself in a small closet to avoid delivering the letter to Nestor's wife.

Ben looked down at the scars that his mother had tried so hard to hide, running his finger tips along the scratch marks Rey left on his ribs right beside the divots where his chest tubes had been placed. He ran his fingers through his hair and pressed into the scar at the back of his neck, some times wishing that it had been a millimeter to the left.

His lips pressed into a thin line as a tear escaped down his right cheek, navigating the larger freckles that dotted his skin. It seemed odd to him that his body was trying to express emotion but his mind was a void.

In this moment it didn't matter that he was the only son of famous military general or that his father had pioneered the way for modern aircrafts. It didn't matter that he was the rightful heir to a forgotten country in Eastern Europe. It didn't matter that he had a Bronze Star and a Purple Heart thrown into a drawer in his bedroom. It didn't matter that he had people like Mitaka or Jyn who cared about him. None of that mattered because he had never felt more hopeless and alone.

He had found such meaning in the phrase that walking alone is not the difficult part, but having to come back alone after walking miles with others can be. This was something that very few understood and he had thrown away the one person that had.

Slapping his hands down on the counter his body was pebbled with goose bumps. Ben's gaze slid over to the bottle that was screaming out at him. He ripped the cap off and dumped half of the white and red capsules into his cupped palm. With his other hand he aggressively turned on the water faucet.

Looking from the pills in his hand to the running water and then back up to his hollow gaze in the mirror, he once again felt like a coward.

He roared out in anger and cast his left hand out to the side, scattering the pills all over the bathroom floor. Ben turned and sank to the floor, his bare back pressed against the vanity, the water still running in the sink.

Ben wished that this was the first time he had thought about taking his own life. He never made any actual attempts, but the ideation and the well thought out plans lingered with him for years. Perhaps he had thought about this even before the desert, to escape the impossible expectations of his family.

He felt like a pussy. Pills were a soft way out. If he were truly a man he would stick his grandfather's Walther PPK in his mouth like his buddy Mandrell had done back in 2015. Ben had even gone as far as writing a note a few years ago, mostly blaming his mother and the war for his inability to cope.

With the help of McQuarrie and Ben finally acknowledging that his marriage was part of the problem, it’d been years since he felt like this. He knew it was a selfish thought, but some times he just felt like he had no other choice. Sometimes the pull to the darkness was beyond his control.

But today would not be the day that Ben would take his life. Today was the day that he swallowed his pain, left a message with the counseling center that he needed the earliest available appointment, and dressed for another night of mixing drink and shameless flirting for tips.

* * *

Ben woke with an extreme headache. The light that poured in through his windows was not helping and he practically had to throw himself to the other side of the bed to reach for his phone and check the time.

One in the afternoon. Ben groaned and rolled back into bed, covering his face in the crook of arm. He never slept this late, even on his day off. As his ears rang and his head swam, Ben tried to piece together last night.

He remembered meeting Mitaka around three o'clock to get the bar ready to open, the Friday night crowd usually came in a little early ready to blow off steam from their work week. The first few hours he had worked on auto-pilot and then around midnight he started to accept shots from customers who wanted to drink with him.

He remembered wanting to dull the pain that continued to fester in him. The pain from what he had done to Rey, the pain from his moment of weakness when he looked down at a fist full of sleeping pills.

A weak moment...he scoffed at himself. Was that how he was going to rationalize suicidal ideation this time?

Ben hardly remembered Mitaka sending him upstairs before closing time because he was too drunk to continue tending bar. He stumbled into his apartment and was thankful that he at least kicked off his boots before falling into bed.

Groaning again he slugged his body up, needing desperately to take a piss. As he walked across the worn wooden planks his head pounded again. His bathroom floor was cold as he shuffled over to the toilet, popping the buttons on his black jeans. His head lulled back and forth as he finally was able to break the seal.

As he tucked himself back into his pants he wanders over to the sink. Leaning on the counter he swiped at the bottoms of his bare feet, white and red pills still littered the floor and had stuck uncomfortable between his toes.

He couldn't even look at his own reflection in the mirror. Instead he ventured down to the bar to seek out the only cure he wanted for his headache. Pulling the Jameson Reserve from a lower cabinet he would have to find some way to write off the $200 bottle of whiskey that he was stealing from himself.

Not even bothering with a glass he walked back up to his apartment. He took drinks straight from the bottle as he crossed his living room and entered his bathroom again. One more gulp and his headache was starting to subside.

Sinking to his knees he started collecting all of the pills he had thrown about the night prior. Every ten or so caplets he would take another drink of whiskey. The more and more he drank the slower he got at picking up the pills, but finally he felt that the floor was rid of them and he flushed all of them down the toilet, but not before pissing on them.

Successfully avoiding a hangover by day drinking alone, Ben started to wallow. He sat on his couch and continued to nurse his expensive whiskey thinking about all the ways he had not only fucked up his life, but fucked up Rey's and even fucked up Jessa's life.

His head slumped back and he closed his eyes. His mind started to drift, flash backs from when he was a child and his mother would leave him for weeks at a time, not knowing where in the world she was or if she would be coming home. Or when Han couldn't even be bothered to come see Ben when he was in the hospital. The thought back to Yale, back when he could have almost been happy. Or at least he thought that he was happy.

After another drink he needed to get out of his head, he needed to get out of the silence of his darkened apartment. Out of the darkness of his mind. So he poured the rest of his bottle into a Yeti cup and pulled on a shirt and some shoes. It seemed that within minutes he was out on the street, the sun was already falling behind the taller buildings to the west.

He seemed to walk for hours, taking sip after sip from his cup. His feet seemed to move on their own accord, not that he could look down at them without toppling over himself on the streets of Turtle Bay.

Gray sidewalks turned to white tile floors turned to green carpet. He swayed on his feet and his forehead knocked against a wooden surface.

The surface moved under him and he staggered, "What are you doing here, Ben?"

He swayed and his eyes attempted to focus through the dark curtain of his hair.

"No," her voice was cool, "You're not Ben. You're Kylo," and she backed up to allow him entrance into the apartment.

Stumbling into the place that he had once called home, he fell on to the white couch that he hated. His cup sloshed and he almost wanted to remove the lid and pour the rest of his whiskey all over the offensive light canvas out of spite.

"Why are you here Kylo?" She repeated.

He took a sip, "I fucked up, J."

Jessa looked down at her ex-husband and she saw the same exact man that came home to her from Afghanistan. The same broken man. Instead of telling him that she didn't give a shit about his life or his problems, she gave him what she knew he needed. So she crossed the room, picked the cup out of his hands, and smelled it, scrunching her nose at the strong smell of straight alcohol. She put the cup on the glass coffee table and sat down next to him, pulling his head down in her lap, stroking his hair.

Ben started to spew his feelings, but fortunately for him it just came out in a bunch of slurred gibberish. He was sure that if Jessa knew that he was pining over Rey that she would kick him to the curb in a heart beat.

But instead she just heard him repeating _'I'm sorry,'_ and she truly felt it was for her and everything that he had done to their relationship. So she cradled his face and watched him cry. In their years together she had never seen him cry, he was never that emotionally available or open with her and even though she knew he was in pain, she was liking this new side of Kylo.

Before she knew what was good for her, Jessa pulled his face to hers, offering him the only comfort that she knew how to. He was practically sweating whiskey and his lips were still at first but them moved as if they were numb to him, as if he had no control over them.

Ben gripped at her hair like it was a life line and she worked at his button down shirt. In a swift move she was pinned under him on the couch. He groped at her and in his mind he had to believe that she was someone else.

"Kylo," Jessa panted into his neck and worked at his fly.

"Call me Ben," he slurred.

"I've missed you Ben," Jessa purred and stroked at his hair.

He cracked his eye open and he saw a mess of blonde hair, it was all wrong. Her voice was all wrong. Her smell was all wrong. Her feel...her caress was all wrong.

"I forgive you Ben. I want you to come home. Your mother said she knew you made a mistake. I'm willing to forgive your little mistake with the attorney. I still love you..."

Ben huffed, sitting back on his heels and flipping Jessa over so he didn't have to look at her and he pressed her face into the couch, "Stop talking," his hissed out as he pushed up her skirt and continued working at his pants, no even bothering to push them past his hips, he just pulled himself free of the denim.

Jessa rocked back on her knees, trying to bring her exposed pussy up to his crotch. "Come on Ben. Are you going to fuck me?"

He pumped at himself, trying to get his dick to respond to any stimuli, "I'm trying..."

She reached back and wrapped her hand around his flaccid penis, stroking it and even tapped it on her ass like he used to do. "I think you drank to much."

Refusing to admit that perhaps he had whiskey dick, Ben continued to work at himself. Jessa got frustrated and turned back over, "Let me help you," and she placed him in her mouth. His eyes lulled close at being surrounded by the wet heat of her mouth. She did this thing that he always like with her tongue, but no matter how much she licked or twirled or sucked his mind would not allow his cock to betray him.

"This isn't working..." he hissed out and tucked himself back into his jeans before falling back into the couch.

Jessa pulled back down at her skirt and folded her shirt over her exposed breasts. "It's her...isn't it?"

* * *

 **AN :** **Suicide...even ideations are important to pay attention to. There are so many resources out there for help, both regular hotlines and Veteran's hotlines.**

 **I love to hear for all of you on your thoughts, love, and support for this** **story. Your reviews, favs, and follows make my heart happy.**

**Chapter Title Song: Alan Walker - Darkside**

 

 


	20. Lost

**Lost**

Rey woke late the day after landing back in Florida, it being close to ten in the morning by the time she made it up stairs in the search of coffee. As she came into the kitchen she saw her mother at the stove pulling a fried egg out of a pan and putting it on a plate aside some bacon.

"Good morning darling," Millie called without looking over her shoulder, always have a sixth sense when her daughter was concerned.

But Rey only had eyes for her father, who was seated at the smaller table off the kitchen. He was reading the paper and pretending to be nonchalant about his little girl standing on the other side of the room. His faithful dog was curled at his feet, not venturing more than ten feet from the man since his diagnosis.

She rushed at him, pulling the paper from his hands and threw her arms around his shoulders. "Dad," she whimpered into his neck as tears formed in her eyes. She could tell by looking at him that he had lost weight, but when she hugged him she could feel his shoulder blades under her hands.

"Hey Peanut," he said with a sad but loving chuckle.

Millie walked up behind them and placed the plate of breakfast on the table along with a large cup of coffee.

When Rey finally released her father they all took their placed at the table and a questioning silence hung around them. Rey drug her toast through the runny yokes of her eggs, took a long sip of coffee, and tore off a piece of bacon and offered it under the table to the eight year old German Shepherd, Ryder.

"Your father..." Millie started.

"So a few weeks go..." Rey spoke at the same time as her mother.

"You go first," the elder woman encouraged with a small smile. She had a feeling that regardless what topic they started on, both would end in tears.

Rey took a deep breath and twisted the Disney princess cup that her parents had custom made for her because her name was never printed on anything in the gift shops. "Three weeks ago Brent and I were out to dinner to celebrate our anniversary and I found out he was cheating on me..."

"I told you that guy was an ass," Obi mumbled towards his wife. He had never met the man who Rey dated for years and with only months to live he weighted the options of committing murder…his little girl deserved so much better.

"Agreed," Rey said, looking up at her dad through her lashes and a small smile played on her lips. Growing up her father never muttered a curse word, but once she was an adult he could some how have an entire conversation with four letter words.

"You don't seem too broken up about it..." Millie mused. "Did something else happen? What happened with your job?"

Rey launched into the whole sorted tale, leaving out the more explicit details but getting across that her relationship with Ben was more than just friendly. She also failed to mention Ben's last name or his connection to General Organa. She felt that this would just muddy the waters further and make any interaction between the two families awkward in the future.

"So you kept seeing this boy even after knowing that he was your client's husband?" Millie stirred her cup of tea.

"He's thirty, mum…he's not a boy. He's a business owner and a veteran…he's a good man." Rey's voice softened to a whisper by the end of her statement as she looked down at her plate, pushing around her bacon.

"He served?"

Laughing to herself, Rey thought that it figured that her father would hone in on that detail. "Yeah, OEF. He was medically retired in 2011."

"Blown up or shot?" Obi asked offhandedly. He too had many reports come across his desk of the conditions and casualties during the Gulf War.

"Both," Rey answered, looking back down at her now cold eggs.

"And you told him about your history?" Millie reached over and placed a hand over Rey's.

She just nodded, "We pretty much told each other everything." Rey smiled to herself for a moment, "It was scary but liberating at the same time. I've never wanted to know someone so badly and in turn let them know me. All of me," Rey blushed thinking of their last romp together, before Jessa had ruined their afterglow.

"It's not like you to be so careless." Millie was referring back to Rey being fired from her job. "You worked so hard for your career and to make your life work in New York…" Millie couldn't deny that she was slightly disappointed in her daughter's choices and the yielded consequences.

Rey shifted under her parents's gaze, "I had a chance the walk away from the relationship, during my ethics hearing."

"But you didn't," Obi phrased it more as a statement than a question.

"No," Rey looked right at her father. "He told me to fight for us. He was worth fighting for...or so I thought."

Millie made eye contact with her husband over the table, having a private wordless conversation. "It seems like this boy means a lot to you..."

"Meant," Rey corrected. "He meant a lot to me, but he didn't want me..." she was once again the under weight foster kid with the black trash bag of self doubt.

"Then he's a fool," Obi said reaching out for his daughter's other hand.

Rey gripped both her parents hands and tears started to pool in her eyes, "He really is," she agreed with a slight laugh in her tone. She sniffed and fixed her expression. "Enough about me and my train wreck of a life. Tell me about dad."

Millie didn't like when Rey talked like this. Rey had spent her entire adolescence fighting against the labels of classmates and even some adults who didn't understand what Rey had lived through. Rey was been called dirty, even in new clothes. She had been called unwanted, even with the promise that Rey would never have to leave their home. Friends within their circle had whispered that Rey was a cheap stand-in for the family that Millie could never naturally produce.

Rey had been called crazy, mental, unhinged, disturbed, and many times ladies from the Women's Club had pulled Millie aside stating that she should pass on the problem child before it was too late. Both Millie and Obi tried to shield Rey from this talk, to protect her, and make sure that she never believe what others were saying.

They raised a beautiful, smart, funny, independent, and fiercely loyal young woman. If Millie was being honest with herself, they had taken the scared little girl from a horrible situation and loved her, allowed her self determination, and encouraged her, and she turned out better than Stephanie's daughter who was on her third DUI, or Frank's son who had five children by four women.

They had done pretty damn well and Millie wasn't going to ever let Rey call her current situation at train wreck. Rey made choices to be with a man that she felt a loyalty to and Millie couldn't fault her daughter's beautiful heart for that. But this was a conversation for a later time, a conversation that needed to happen between mother and daughter, so Millie let Rey change the subject and they started to discuss Obi's condition.

"Your father was diagnosed shortly after your visit at Christmas."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Rey felt hurt.

Both of her parents at lease looked ashamed, "We hoped that he could get treatment and then we would tell you once he was cancer free."

"But that didn't happen."

"No," Obi was still holding his daughter's hand and squeezed. "I tried some radiation, but it made me feel like crap and it wasn't working anyway."

"You didn't fight hard enough," Rey almost whined.

"I've lived a good long life…" Obi has been doing a lot of reflecting on the impact of his life and had made peace with his fate.

Rey looked appalled, "You are seventy-five! You could live for another thirty years."

Obi gave her daughter a soft smile, "I'm at ease with this…"

"No!" Rey jerked out of her dad's grip and stood, "You are supposed to be around to walk me down the aisle. You are supposed to be around for your grandchildren." She almost wanted to stomp her foot with rage, "I need you still. You can't just give up on me!"

"Rey…" his tone was soft.

"You are leaving me. You are not supposed to leave me!" She turned and stormed out of the kitchen, rushing down the stairs to her room.

Obi and Millie flinched when they heard her door slam from the bottom floor, thinking back to Rey's teenaged years. "She doesn't mean it," the older woman offered, moving over to stand behind her husband and wrap her arms around his thinner shoulders. "I'll go talk to her."

Obi just reached up and patted his wife's hand and gave her a tight lipped nod.

Millie made her way down to the basement and knocked on Rey's closed door. _"Go away!"_ Came from behind the door. Millie rolled her eyes and entered the room finding her daughter face down on the bed, face buried in a pillow, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs. This reminded Millie of the time a boy on the baseball team asked Rey to Homecoming and then stood her up the night of. Her sweet Rey has a big heart, but it was easily broken.

Without speaking Millie moved to the side of the bed and sat down. She stroked her daughter's hair for a minute, "Rey…darling…"

After another moment Rey turned and sat up cross legged on her bed, hugging her pillow to her chest. "You and dad are not supposed to leave me," she said through tears.

Millie's expression melted with compassion and she reached out to cup Rey's cheek. "Oh, sweet girl…you know that if your father had a choice in this matter, that he would stay here with us."

"But he does have a choice! He can continue treatment. He can fight this."

"He has…you weren't around for the worst of it."

"Because you didn't tell me he was sick!" Rey was starting to get worked up and she didn't want to have a screaming match with her mother…but the betrayal from Ben and then from her own parents was more than she could handle.

The older woman sighed but understood her daughter's anger. "Getting that diagnosis was one of the worst days of our lives. We didn't know how far along it was and it wasn't even staged before the doctors wanted to get him into treatment." She shifted further onto the bed, knowing that this conversation wasn't going to be short.

"He did twelve rounds of radiation and he got so sick that he couldn't walk without two weeks of rehab. He didn't want his last months with us to be like that. He wanted to feel like himself for as long as possible." She reached out to take her daughters hand and brushed the chestnut hair out of her face, "Do you understand?"

Rey just continued to look down at the blue and white quilt that was spread across the bed. She bit her lip and refused to meet her mother's gaze. Rey did understand, but that didn't stop it from hurting and didn't mean that she accepted it.

"Look my dear…" Millie tried again to catch her daughter's hazel eyes. "Your father and I prepared for this long ago…"

"You prepared for dad to die?" Rey finally looked up but narrowed her eyes at her mother.

Millie's smile was soft, "Yes…of sorts. We are all going to die one day."

Rey huffed and crossed her arms, "I know that."

The older woman sighed again, "Obi and I were older when we brought you into our family and when we told the state that we planned to have you with us forever, we had to make plans."

"What do you mean?" Rey asked, for some reason forgetting all the times she had worked with the foster system in New York, for in this moment she was just Rey, scared daughter of a man who was dying.

"Since we were already in our fifties when you came to us, we had to prove to the state that if one or both of us were to die that we had a plan for you, we didn't want you to just go back into the system."

Rey just nodded, still looking down at the bed, "What was the plan?"

"You would have gone with my sister Amilyn."

"But she lives in England still..."

"Yes, and you would have too. You were named as the sole heir to everything that Obi and I have. You would have had a very comfortable upbringing."

"I don't care about the money. I don't care about being comfortable," Rey was on the verge of tears again. "I just don't want to lose any more parents. Haven't I lost enough?"

Millie reached out and stroked her daughter's cheek again, "Your father is not abandoning you. Your father is not leaving you behind because he doesn't want you any more. It is just his time." She met Rey's hazel eyes. "I would be lying if I said was I wasn't upset about all of this too, but it is not my place to question when God calls each of us home."

Rey nodded again. If Millie and Obi had done anything for Rey during her upbringing, it was introducing her to faith. She had slacked off in the past few years, finding churches up north lacking the same energy of a good Southern church, but she had faith in a higher power, in a force that guided her through life.

At times she had questioned what her Maker's bigger plan was for her, especially with the events of the past few weeks, but she had never lost faith in the pull of that force.

"I don't want him to go...I can't lose anymore right now," big tears rolled down her already tear stained cheeks.

"I know dear," Millie pulled Rey into an embrace. "I wish I could have another thirty years with your father, but I have been blessed with fifty blissful years. He is the best person I have ever known, and we are both lucky to have learned from him and be loved by him."

Millie let Rey sob into her shirt and ran her hands through her daughter's hair like she had done many times over their seventeen years as a family. It was only when Rey's hiccups subsided that she pushed her daughter back, cupping her cheeks and really looking at her. "What really happened with Ben?"

Rey should have known this was coming, there were certain things that a daughter just doesn't talk to her father about, but Rey had always been open with her mother. Millie knew when Rey had her first kiss. Rey had called her mother to ask advice on obtaining birth control when she had her first serious boyfriend in college. She had cried on her mother's shoulder after breakups. Rey doubted that she could have ever been this close with her biological mother.

She went into greater detail, talking about the confrontation with Ben's mother, but again leaving out the significance of who his mother was. She talked about Jessa walking in on them and the horrible insults that Jessa had slung at Ben during the hearing. She told her mother about Ben's flashback and his reactions.

"He seems like a lot to take on sweetie. I know you love to help people, and you feel like you connected to him on some level through your backgrounds, but perhaps he needs more than what you can give."

"He's worth it," Rey shot out. "He would have been worth it..."

Millie thought over the entire story for a long moment, "He said that he wanted a relationship with you, but that he also wanted to protect you from him...and his condition."

"He is not his _condition_ ," Rey almost seethed, hating labels and being defined by a diagnosis. "What if you and dad had given up on me after just a few weeks?"

"We wouldn't do that," Millie answered, almost offended at the thought.

"What makes him less worthy?"

"You were a child..."

"He's still worthy of the same compassion..."

Millie sighed, she loved her daughter's heart but also knew the struggles her sister in law had been though with Jinn's struggled after he came home from Vietnam. Jinn and Kate still struggled with his symptoms, it was a life long commitment that she wouldn't necessarily want for her kind and sometimes emotionally vulnerable daughter. "It sounds like you are not completely over him."

Rey picked at the quilt again, "He doesn't want me."

"You sure?" Millie tried to catch her daughter's downwards gaze before she reached out and squeezed Rey's hand. When Rey finally looked up, Millie gave her a knowing and motherly look.

"I don't know, but it doesn't matter now. He's in New York and I plan to be here."

"So you aren't going back home?"

"I am home," Rey had a confused look on her face. How could her mother not understand this?

Millie had a concerned expression. "Your life is in New York. You worked so hard for everything you have achieved up there and you can't throw all of that away. You can't run away from your problems. It isn't the Kenobi way."

Rey was hurt, but part of her knew her mother was right. When it came down to the hard choices, her mother didn't beat around the bush. Millie knew that there was times to coddle and there was a time to call Rey on her bullshit. "I want to be here for you and dad. I want to stay as long as I have to..." meaning until her father passes away. "I will figure out what to do after that."

"You are so smart and so beautiful," Millie said cupping Rey's cheek again. "Your father and I never want to hold you back for anything you desire."

"I'm not being held back," Rey reassured. "I'm being here for the amazing family that I never thought I was worthy of."

"Oh, my love. You are worthy of so much more than your father and I could ever give you."

The women hugged and again Rey softly cried onto her mother's shoulder. Their talk had opened even more questions for Rey to think through over the next four weeks. She had to consider returning to New York and finding another job, the threats from Snoke that Rey would never work in the city again, echoed in her mind and caused a spike of worry.

But as she separated from her mother's embrace, she gave a soft smile and thanked Millie for her empathy and honesty, as in the past it had never steered her wrong.

Rey also took her mother's advice to wash her face and spend the rest of the afternoon with Obi. He sat on the back deck as Rey threw a tennis ball for Ryder. They ate a late lunch of sandwiches and watched sailboats glide through the bayou. She took his elbow and helped him up the steps to the main level of the home where they sat on the couch and watched golf, not the most entertaining sport, but a pastime that Obi loved.

After dinner, she walked her father to his room. "Can I help you get settled in?" She watched him stagger around the room, she felt guilty for over exerting him with their many activities that day.

Obi gave Rey a sly smile, "There are some things that should remain a mystery between a father and daughter."

Rey blushed, but also understood that there would come a time when her father would need help with everything, including what should remain a mystery. She quickly crossed the room and kissed Obi on the cheek, "Good night, daddy."

"Good night, Peanut."

With a small smile she left the room and called out to her mother that she was going to turn in, it was only just after eight, but she was still feeling tired from not getting enough sleep the night prior. Down in her bedroom, she heard her phone beep and completely forgot that she left it plugged in all day on her bed side table.

Looking at her phone her heart constricted. She had a missed call and voicemail from Ben. He was still labeled _Feather Ruffler_ in her phone and her body went hot. With a deep breath and exhale, she pecked at the phone's screen and moved it to her ear as the voice message started to play.

Her prior heated flesh turned cold and a pit settled in her stomach. Her emotions ran from wistful, to furious, to panicked. She quickly replayed the message, hoping that she had mistaken some of his drunken rambling, but she hadn't.

Quickly she scrolled through her contacts and even though calling him caused her to shutter in disgust, she didn't know what else to do.

The phone rang a few times and Rey chanted to herself, "Pick up. Pick up. Pick up."

Finally a voice came over the line. "This is Hux."

* * *

**AN: This chapter hurt my heart. Our Rey has already been through so much.**

**I also have to say that my readers are amazing! I love your comments and your PMs. I have had some pretty awesome conversations with some of you! I would love to hear what you all think! As always the faves and follows make my heart happy.**

**Chapter Title Song: Illenium - Lost**

 

 


	21. Ashes

**Ashes**

Jessa sat up taller on the couch and looked at the drunken fool that was on the verge of passing out. She placed her foot on his thigh and pushed, jarring his whole body to wake him up, "Hey asshole! Answer me...it's her. You aren't here for me. You are here because you fucked it up with her."

Ben ran his hands over his face, but was so drunk that he couldn't actually feel the calloused skin skimming his unshaven face. "It was supposed to always be her. It should have never been you." He slurred and reached for his cup.

The force of her slap caused his hair to swing around his face, "Get out Kylo. Now! Get the fuck out and never come back." Jessa was many things but she would not be a drunken substitute for the woman her ex-husband really wanted. As he stood from the couch she wanted to really dig her claws in, make him feel as horrible and used as she felt in that moment. "I'm glad you divorced me. I am glad to be rid of you. You are so fucked up and I never want to deal with your shit ever again. Rey was smart to be rid of you too. You deserve to be alone!"

He let her words sink in as he moved towards the door. He didn't have the energy to fight her on this and mostly his whiskey soaked brain started to agree with Jessa's assessment of his current state of being. Ben closed the door of the apartment behind him for the last time, never to venture back to Jessa for a familiar comfort or for an unattached release.

In the elevator he propped his cup on the hand rail and his numb fingers worked to re-button the fly of his jeans. When it felt like they wouldn't fall off during his walk home, he pulled his black shirt back down and reclaimed his drink.

The humid night air of the city sat heavy in his lungs and sweat started to bead on his back. He didn't want to think about how bad he smelled, his body trying to expel the alcohol faster than he could drink it. His lumbering gait was even more clumsy. His large feet turning in on themselves making him trip and stumble along the sidewalk.

Ben walked between Grand Central and the Chrysler Building, continuing his trek south for half an hour before he pulled out his phone to see how far he had gotten down Park Avenue and to make sure he knew where to turn to get him back to the Village. His mind ran wild with the events of the previous day and also the terrible mistake he had just made by going to see Jessa.

He let her words sink in further, trying to find fault in them but he could not. He didn't deserve Rey and he didn't deserve any misguided comfort from his ex-wife. Perhaps it was better for everyone, even for any future partner, that he just stay alone. His gut clenched at the thought, not only of being solitary for the rest of his pathetic life, but also seeking a relationship with someone apart from Rey.

Feeling like a hypocrite for denying himself any future relationships due to his unmatched feelings toward Rey, but in the same night trying to fuck Jessa on her horrid pristine couch, made him want to be ill. Guilt ate away at him and he needed to be free of it. He knew the answer wasn't in a bottle of booze, white and red capsules, or down the barrel of a gun. His redemption would be self sacrificing, and the thought of it tore at him.

A quote that unbeknownst to him came from an old religious text rang through his mind. _The truth will set you free..._ and he wanted to be free of this pain, this guilt, the self loathing.

The truth...he rolled this idea around in his mind. In the three weeks that he had known Rey, he had never lied to her...up until he told her that he didn't want a relationship with her. That was the boldest lie he had ever told, and it was not only her undoing but also his.

So in an effort to soothe his own soul, he would tell her the truth, allowing her time in Florida to process all of his misgivings and when she returned to the city, he could in a clear conscience, ask her to try again, having shown all of his dirty and hopefully not unforgivable cards.

In a moment of self assurance he pulled out his phone and tapped on her contact information, the screen flashed with the call in process. He paced around the fountain in Union Square Park, trying to collect his thoughts as each ring sounded.

He wasn't sure if he was more anxious for her to answer or for her to ignore his call. But after five rings her voicemail greeting picked up and her chipper tone tore at his heart, it had only been a day but he missed her lightness with a passion.

Sighing as her greeting came to a close and she requested that he leave his message after the beep, Ben took in a deep courageous breath and started to recite his poor actions over the past few days.

"Hey Rey...it's Ben, but you probably know that by the caller ID. I don't blame you for not picking up...we left things pretty shitty." He breathed in through his nose and shook out the hand that wasn't holding the phone, trying to rid his body of the building anxiety. "I guess I can start by saying I'm sorry for what I said to you yesterday. It was a lie, I want you so fucking bad." His voice was pained. "I want us, but I also don't want to hurt you...but I guess I did that again anyways."

He pulled the phone away from his head for a moment and muttered a not so quiet _Fuck_ to himself, realizing again that he had lashed out and hurt her, emotionally this time. "I keep fucking up. The VA sent me those God damn sleeping pills and I just wanted to take all of them. Put everyone out of my misery. But instead I drank a $200 bottle of really good whiskey and then tried to fuck my ex-wife. Because why wouldn't I run back to a completely toxic situation? It's what I fucking deserve after what I did to you...to us." He let out an airy laugh in disgust of his actions.

"But don't worry, my dick wouldn't work so she called me worthless and threw me out. It's like my body knew that you were meant to be the only one for me and for once my cock was smarter than my fucked up mind was." He squeezed his phone in his hand and wanted to feel the glass crack against his fingers. Ben knew that he had to tell her everything, for if by some small miracle she gave him a second chance and any of his misguided choices came to light, she would never trust him again. After listening to his drunken rambles, the trust may already be gone.

He had already paused for a long moment and in that time his eyes had become glassy with regret. "I'm so fucking sorry Rey...for everything. I know now that you would have been better off never knowing me." His lips folded over his teeth and he bit down to keep the sob brewing in his chest from escaping. "I'm really fucking sorry," he spoke almost in a whisper and then hung up.

No sooner had the home screen lit back up on his phone, he was throwing it against the paved ground around the fountain. It shattered into pieces and he doubled over, clenching his fists and yelling, "Fuck," out into the warm night air. His almost empty cup of whiskey completely forgotten.

Still seething, he started to stalk through the park back in the direction of his apartment, but his anger would not be stilled and he took his frustration out of a green metal sign that stated the uses of the park during normal day light hours. He punched at the sign until his knuckles reopened from his assault on Rey's drywall.

"Sir," a voice called behind him.

Ben turned around and squirted into a high beam of light. He lifted his hand to try to shield his eyes, blood dripped down between his fingers. "What?" He asked with malice.

The New York beat cop adjusted her belt and continued to hold her flash light in the man's face. She could tell the man was on something, his eyes were bloodshot and glassy. "You're destroying public property."

With a slight head tilt, an amused expression came over Ben's face, "Fucking bill me for it. I'm not in the mood for this bullshit tonight." He ignored that one of his major down falls with growing up with his mother is his resistance to authority.

"I don't uphold the law according to the criminal's moods. I'm going to have to write you a situation for the damage and you also littered in the park back there." The police officer took a few more steps towards the man that had maybe a foot of height on her. She flashed her light in his face again, "Are you under the influence of a substance tonight sir?"

A cocky drunken side of him pushed to the forefront of his mind and he bent down, making his face level with the small blonde officer, "Just some fine whiskey that you, darling, would never be able to afford on the pennies that this city pays you."

A sober Ben Solo would be ashamed of himself. If his injuries didn't disqualify him from passing the physical, he would have been honored to join the men and women in blue, but tonight he just wanted this cop to piss off and leave him to sulk in his pool of self pity.

"I'm sorry sir but you are going to have to come with me," the officer, who name tag read Tano, was having none of this jerk's attitude.

"Pass," Ben said with a smirk, still invading the officer's personal space. He then stood to his full height and started to walk away.

"Sir, I'm only going to ask once more for you to stop and come with me."

Ben threw up his middle finger and continued to walk down the sidewalk.

If he hadn't been so drunk he may have heard the metallic click of Officer Tano extending her baton. Or the patter of her feet coming up behind him. But he definitely felt the baton connect with the back of his knees and he went down. The blonde's knee was in his back and his face was resting on the disgusting sidewalk. "What the fuck lady?" He hissed out.

Tano started to read him his rights, citing him for destruction of public property, littering, public intoxication, failure to comply, and resisting arrest. With her knee still shoved painfully into his back, she cuffed his hands behind him, and radioed for backup and a car to transfer the drunk to the station for processing.

"What's your name?"

"Ben Solo," he answered through gritted teeth.

The officer pulled on his elbow and helped him to a seated position. She looked him over and flinched at his split chin and the trail of blood that ran down his throat. "Well Solo, hopefully this will teach you not to be a drunken ass next time."

Ben just kept his gaze down, his eyes hard. He had just wanted to be left the fuck alone. He wanted to crawl back to his empty apartment and wallow. He wanted to forget the past three weeks. He wanted to forget that he was close to happiness but threw it away.

A squad car showed up and two larger officers came up and talked to Tano, getting her report. "You sure did a number on him," one officer commented, seeing the blood still dripping from the perp's chin.

"He's so wasted that he doesn't even feel it," Tano replied.

The male officers helped Ben to his feet and started to usher him towards the open back door of the car, "We'll have some one patch him up at the station.

Tano pulled a pair of black gloves out of her cargo pocket and asked the other officers to pop their truck. She pulled some gauze out of their med kit and went to slide into the back seat with Ben.

"You think that's a good idea rook?"

The female officer bent down and looked in the back of the car, "You going to behave yourself so I can prevent you from bleeding all over the nice officer's car?"

Ben just turned his head to look at her and he felt the droplets of blood land on his bare arm. He just nodded, he really didn't want to cause any more trouble, and even though he couldn't feel the split in his chin, it was the copper and acid smell of his blood that was causing him to get light headed.

When Nestor had been shot, there was so much blood, it had clumped into the sand under them. It had covered Ben's hands and soaked into his uniform. His own shoulder wound had drenched the left side of his BDU top. Ever since that day, the smell of large amounts of blood made him uneasy.

Tano climbed in next to him. "I'm going to put pressure on your cut...it may hurt," she warned.

He didn't even flinch when she held the clump of gauze to his chin. Perhaps it was the alcohol or his apathy, but he didn’t feel anything.

At the station he was processed and placed in what Tano affectionately called the Drunk Tank. They had offered to call in some EMTs to address his chin but he had just asked for a few steri-strips. For once he wanted a scar that wasn't perfectly pieced back together.

This wasn't his first run in the law, even before joining the military he had a tempter and a tendency to answer annoyances with his fists. He went through finger printing and mug shots without a word.

He sat in the cell with four other guys, one had pissed himself and was laid out flat on the floor. The hard bench under him was just about as comfortable as the cinderblock wall that he rested his head back on. At least he was out of his cuffs and he stretched out his long legs and sore back.

They left him in there for a few hours and this gave Ben time to reflect on how the hell he ended up here. He wanted to blame Jessa for kicking him out, if she had only let him stay then he wouldn't have been picked up by the police. He wanted to blame Rey for not picking up when he called her, but he really doubted that their conversation would have ended any other way than his fist connecting with something.

No...the only one to blame was himself. He hurt Rey. He had drank to worthlessness. He had attempted to quench his need for human connection in the depths of his ex-wife. He had lost his tempter. He had mouthed off. He had not followed orders. It was him. He was the problem.

Acknowledgement and accountability, Mcquarrie had reminded him, was the first step to change and growth within a person. Ben had to acknowledge and take responsibility for his feelings...his thoughts and the physical manifestations or reactions that he had to those untamed emotions. But fucking how, he asked himself time and time again.

When he had sobered up some, a generic looking officer came up and offered Ben his phone call. Having smashed his phone, he was glad that his attorney was also his best friend and he knew Hux's number by heart.

The phone only rang once before a frantic voice connected on the other end, "Ben?"

His friend's tone set another pit in Ben's stomach and he wondered what else had gone horribly wrong while he was trying to completely ruin his life. "Yeah, Hux it's me."

"Where the fuck are you?" Hux's voice was stern and worried.

Ben looked up at the officer, "Where am I?"

"13th Precinct on East 21st Street."

"You get that?" Ben asked his friend on the other end of the line.

"You're in jail?" Hux didn't know whether to be more amused or annoyed by this development.

"It would appear so."

Hux sighed, "Just stay there. I'm coming to get you."

Ben snorted, "Don't worry, I'll avoid using Jedi mind tricks to break out of here..."

The jailer gave Ben a sideway's glance before raising an eyebrow, almost tempting him to try and escape custody.

"I'll be good and wait for you," Ben relayed to Hux but kept eye contact with the officer, before smiling and handing back the phone. He turned back into the cell and took back up his perch and waited for his attorney.

* * *

A few hours prior Hux had been surprised to see the name Kenobi pop up on his cellphone but he figured there was a good reason that his nemesis and his best friend's girlfriend was calling him. "This is Hux," he had answered.

"Hux...this is Rey...uh, Rey Kenobi..."

"I know who you are sweetheart," he smiled, always enjoying when he was able to make that woman squirm. "What can I do for you?"

Rey paused, thinking back to the message that she listened to twice, trying to ignore the more painful parts of it and just focusing on what really mattered in this moment. "I need you to find Ben."

He didn't like her tone, "What do you mean _find Ben_? Isn't he with you?"

"No," Rey didn't want to retell the story of their breakup an additional time so she kept it short, "We are not together anymore..."

"What the hell happened?"

"That's not important. You need to find Ben now." Rey was feeling frantic and out of control. She was 1200 miles away from New York and felt so helpless.

"What's going on Rey?" Up until this point he had been lounging back in his bed, but he now swung his legs over the side and started to pace the room, ready to gather his personal items and leave his apartment.

She took a deep breath, "He left a message on my phone, he sounded pretty bad, slurring his words."

"Getting drunk after a breakup isn't a crime."

"I know that," his condescending tone was unneeded. Rey gathered her thoughts again but heard a female voice on the other end of the line _'Come back to bed Armi...'_ and Rey shuttered thinking about what kind of woman would actually beckon the ginger with such a come-hither tone.

Rey shook the image from her mind and got back to the root of the matter, "He started rambling on about new sleeping pills and taking the whole bottle...and something about expensive whiskey. I don't know if he mixed the pills with the alcohol but it didn't sound good."

"Fuck," Hux pinned the phone between his ear and shoulder, hopping in place as he pulled on a pair of jeans. "I'll head to his place now..."

"I don't think he's there..." Rey voice went quiet and she tried to bite back her tears.

"Where is he Rey?" He was frantic and pulled on his red Chuck Taylors.

"He said that he went to try and...reconcile with Jessa but that it didn't go well."

Hux huffed and grabbed his wallet and keys, he pulled the phone away from his face for a moment, "You're welcome to stay but I have to go take care of something," and he winked at the small woman in his bed.

He turned his attention back to the phone conversation and he walked towards the door of his apartment. "He's a fucking idiot."

"I think this is the only time me and you agree on something, but I'm really worried about him."

"Can you come help?" Hux asked, running down the stairs of his building. "I know you said things went bad, but I could use the help...it's a big city."

"I'm in Florida," Rey admitted and her heart hurt as she felt helpless. If she was in the city, she would have already been out looking for him. Just to know he was safe.

"Fuck," Hux muttered again. He was out on the street now and trying to catch a cab that would take him up to Turtle Bay. He couldn't believe that he was going to have to talk to Jessa, but he needed to know what the hell was going on. "I'll find him, Kenobi" he reassured her before disconnecting the line.

* * *

**AN: What do we think of our poor heart broken Ben? How can our love birds come back from this?**

**You know that I love your review and comments. Your kind words give me inspiration and help this story come together. Make sure to fave/follow so you know when I post new chapters!**

**Chapter Title Song: Céline Dion - Ashes**

 

 


	22. Call On Me

**Call On Me**

When Armitage Hux was presiding over cases in court or in medications, he preferred to wear three piece tailored suits. But as he rushed down from the 20th floor of his Midtown East apartment, he was dressed very informally. His gray-washed jeans tapered down to his red high top Chucks and his tight crew cut shirt could possibly be called one size too small. His polished and garish TAG was replaced with a black leather cuff watch.

If he had not been pushed to follow in his father's footsteps and become a lawyer, he would have been perfectly content running a music recording studio. Secretly he could play ten different instruments and his voice could rival that of many chart topping alternative bands. His love for music transcends his tolerance for law. But as his father always said, one paid the bills and one as a fantasy.

So looking nothing like a lawyer, he hopped in a cab and took the fifteen minute ride down to the 13th Precinct Police Station.

Prior to getting the call from Ben, Hux had searched the bar and his friend's apartment. He had also retrieved Rey's address from her through a text to see if for some reason Ben was wallowing on her doorstep. He checked the bar that Ben would go to when not drinking at his own establishment. After searching the West Village for over an hour he had returned to his home to try and regroup. He was almost on the verge of calling the General when his phone had rung.

Getting out of the cab, he tried to smooth down his sex ruffled hair and flashed his credentials to the officer at the front desk. He reviewed the charges that Ben was being held for and signed some forms to have Ben released to him. He was led back to a row of holding cells, his eyes fell to his hulking friend within seconds.

"You look like shit," Hux said taking in the unkept and bloody appearance of Ben.

"And you look like you just got done auditioning for Taking Back Sunday," Ben shot back.

Hux crossed his arms, "Shut the fuck up Solo. You wanna get out of here or not?"

Ben just smirked, but then winced, the alcohol was no longer acting as a pain killer and his scabbed over chin started to split with his upturned lips.

The red head held his own smirk and pulled out his phone, scrolling through his recent calls and then put the device to his ear.

"Who are you calling?" Ben asked.

Hux again just smirked and then the line picked up, "Hey Kenobi. I found him."

Ben's face went white. His friend was on the phone with Rey. How the hell had this happened? How did they have each other’s numbers? Why was she worried about where he was? Had she tried to call him back after...his gazed when down at the floor, remembering the whiskey hazed message that he left Rey. Finally his eyes shot up to his friend, "Don't tell her where I am!" He hissed through the metal bars.

"Was that him?" Rey's voice was tired as she spoke lowly to Hux.

"Yeah," Hux answered. "He's alive and well...at least until I get my hands on his dumb ass."

Rey let out a sigh of relief, "Thank you, Hux." She looked at the clock on her side table and realized that it was past one in the morning in New York and was again thankful for Hux staying up half the night to make sure Ben was safe.

Ben moved to the bars of the cell now, trying to just get a glimpse of her voice from Hux's phone.

"Any time Rey. I'll keep an eye on him," Hux let his gaze fall over his friend as he disconnected the line. Ben's eyes were remorseful but crazed just at the mention of Rey's name. "What the hell am I going to do with you?"

"You can start by getting me the hell out of here." The smell of the dried blood on his shirt was still setting him on edge.

Just then an officer walked up with a manila envelope of Ben's personal effects and handed them to Hux before going to open the cell door. Looking down into the envelope Hux took inventory of wallet, keys, and watch. "Where's your phone?"

"It broke," Ben answered quickly and staggered slightly when Hux slammed the envelope into his chest.

"Meaning you smashed it."

Ben shrugged. "Tomayto, tomahto," he said offhandedly.

Hux pinched at the bridge of his nose, not amused at how nonchalant Ben was taking all of this. He decided to forgo the lecture in the police station and wait until they were alone and Ben could rant and rave in private. So he just turned from the dank smelling room and walked through the station.

They took a cab back to Ben's place in the Village and Hux followed him into the bar and up into the apartment. "I don't need baby sitting," Ben almost hissed out over his shoulder.

"I don't think that you are in any position to be making decisions or demands," Hux shot back, throwing himself down on the couch with an audible sigh.

Ben at least looked ashamed for a moment, "I'm going to get cleaned up, the dried blood is starting to itch."

Hux nodded but stood up and walked towards the bathroom, entering before Ben could. He started to go through the draws and the medicine cabinet, check each bottle and taking the ones that could be possibly harmful.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Ben asked as he walked in to the bathroom with his shirt removed. A trail of dried blood ran down his entire chest and abdomen.

Eyeing Ben for a moment, Hux almost became queasy. He had witnessed Ben bloody after fights and even when his friend had to throw unruly people out of the bar, but this was different. It was the combination of everything, and seeing his best friend at rock bottom again was almost too much. "I wish I didn't have to do this again Ben, but you know the drill."

"What ever," Ben said through clenched teeth. "Just get the fuck out so I can shower."

The water ran pink down the drain and the throbbing of his chin was almost reassuring. He could feel...something...anything...even if it was pain. He could feel.

Ben came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his hips and walked to his dresser pulling out a clean pair of boxers. He looked over at his friend who was standing in the kitchen at the table, a wooden box open in front of him. Ben knew exactly what it was.

While Ben was in the shower, Hux had taken the box from the lower shelf of a book case and set it on the table. He pulled the almost antique 9mm from the box. It had been recently cleaned and smelled of gun oil. He dropped the magazine out of the pistol and locked the slide back, taking the hollow point round out of the chamber.

Without looking up, Hux used his thumb to removed the rounds from the magazine and placed them back into the box of ammo that also lived in the wooden box. "Where do you keep the spare mags?"

Ben sighed before moving to his night stand, pulling a loaded magazine out of the drawer and then walked to the kitchen, pulling another out of a upper cabinet. He slammed them both on the table in front of Hux.

"That's all of them? No other guns?"

"I shouldn't even have that one with the new gun laws here, but you know the significance."

Hux nodded. The gun had belonged to Ben's grandfather and Lord Vader had carried it with him during his time with the Nazis. His uncle Luke sent it to him when Ben had finished boot camp, telling Ben that he had history on both sides of the great wars and encouraged him to always strive for balance.

Putting the gun back into the box, Hux picked up all the bullets and threw them into the trash. Knowing that he would take it to the curb in the morning, he didn't think Ben would try to dig them out tonight.

"Hey man!" Ben protested. "That's like $40 of ammo!"

"You can take it off my fees for tonight," Hux quipped back, throwing a bottle of water at his friend. "What the hell happened to you man? Rey said..."

"When did she call you?" Ben cut off his friend.

Rubbing his hand through his neatly cropped pale hair, Hux looked slightly uncomfortable. "She listened to your message and got worried."

"Oh," Ben looked down for a moment. "How did she have your number?" He now narrowed his eyes at his friend.

Hux almost scoffed at his's friends unvoiced accusation. "Cause I was totally banging her on the side," the snide remark came out before he realized that now was not the best time for banter. He held his hands out as the enraged expression came over Ben's face. "Dude, I'm just fucking with you...but beyond Rey and I both doing the same job and networking in the same pools of people, we went on that blind date once years ago. I guess she still had my number...for some reason.”

A sly smile ghosted on his lips, wondering why _did_ Rey still have his number. The blind date had gone horribly and it shows in the animosity they have towards each other when they were in close proximity. But a part of his ego fluffed at the thought that she had saved his contact information. He had been told by many partners that he was quite satisfactory in the sack. Hux also acknowledged that Rey was a line that he would never cross because he knew for sure that Ben would hunt him down, inflicting pain that could only be matched in redacted CIA reports.

Ben pulled a shirt down over his chest and then seemed interested in the hem of said shirt, "So...what did she say?"

Hux sighed, walking back over to the couch and removing his shoes, the international sign that he was intending to stay the night. "She said you sounded bad, the stink of whiskey could account for that. She told me about the pills and Jessa..." Hux pressed his hands between his knees and then turned his head to look at Ben who was still standing on the other side of the room. "Really man? Jessa?"

Ben walked over to the living room and sunk down into a leather arm chair, putting his elbows on his knees and running his hands through his hair. "She told you about the pills and you just raided my meds and dumped my ammo...and you are more concerned about Jessa?"

Truthfully Hux wished that he could ignore his friend's swings to the extremes, but as he had said before, this isn't the first time he had to stay with Ben to ensure that he was safe from himself. "I didn't think your life would ever be bad enough to go back to that!"

"I fucked up, Hux." Ben was getting tired of how much he had truly messed up.

Armitage had compassion for the man sitting across from him. He didn't know how to comfort him, didn't know what to say to make it better. They had connected in college over their commonalities of overbearing parents. They had roomed together after freshman year, but the man who came back from the Marines...Kylo Ren, was not the Ben Solo that Hux knew how to deal with.

He decided to go with the most pressing issue, possibly the root of their current predicament. "What happen with you and Kenobi?"

"I need a drink," Ben said looking to the kitchen.

"No you don't. We aren't going down that road again."

Sighing, Ben slouched back, tilting his head back and looking at the ceiling. "I told her that I didn't want a relationship with her."

"Well you were only together what...a few weeks and she could be considered a rebound to your marriage. Those usually don't work out, but what has you so torn up about it?"

"The fact that I lied." His expression pinched at the memory of her tear stained face. "I do want a relationship with her. I want her."

"Well I can tell you for sure that trying to fuck you ex-wife is not the way to get Rey back."

"No shit," Ben quipped, not really mad at his friend, but definitely disgusted with himself. "I choked her..." he finished in a small voice.

"I didn't know Jessa was into that kinda thing." Hux's memory went back to the tiny thing he had tired to his bed just hours prior.

"Not Jessa you idiot." Ben threw the empty water bottle at Hux's head. "Rey...I choked Rey. I came out of night terror and choked her."

"Damn man," he tried to piece together the rest of the story. "So she wanted out but was scared of how you would react so you just cut her loose?"

"Not at all," Ben thought back to her calm words and her grounding touch. "She accepted it. She accepted me. She understands what is going on up here," he points to his head, twisting his finger around simulating how scrambled his mind feels.

"So what the hell happened that you felt the need to lie to her? She seemed perfect for you."

"Rey is perfect...maybe not to everyone, or even to herself, but she is perfect to me," he sighed. "And that's why I had to lie. I choked her, then got her in trouble with the board, got her fired, practically crushed her hand, and then pushed her down before putting my fist through her wall."

"Wait," Hux sat forward. "She got fired?"

Ben stood now, pacing and upset. "I just told you many different ways that I hurt a woman and you are more concerned about her job?"

"Look Ben, if you had truly hurt her beyond redemption she wouldn't have call me tonight as worried as she was."

The brooding man frozen in his trek, "She was really that worried?" His voice was small, bracing for more rejection.

"Dude, she was practically in tears." Hux shrugged his shoulders and continued, "She seemed pretty pissed about the whole Jessa part of the message, but if you were wondering if she still cares...I would say yes, she does."

Ben's whole body slumps, somewhat relaxing in a way that he didn't know he needed. Perhaps he just needed to know that she didn't completely hate him. That there was still a chance to be forgiven.

Now that his friend was less tense, Hux decided to bring up the real crux of the matter. "What was up with the pills Ben?"

Pacing back over to the arm chair, he sunk back down. "During my last session with McQuarrie I told him about my increasing nightmares...you know cause the anniversary was approaching. So he sent a note to my PCP at the clinic and the fucking day that I...left Rey, is when those pills show up in the mail. Like a sign from the darkness." He thought about the voice in his mind that always festered doubt and told him over and again how unworthy he was of the air that filled his lungs.

"So you just thought what?" Hux turned his body to face Ben. "That you would kill yourself and everything would be okay? That you would just become one of the twenty-two nameless veterans that take their lives each day?"

Ben's lips went tight. "I just wanted the pain to stop," his voice was pleading for understanding.

"So call me...call McQuarrie...for fucks sake call the hotline, just do something! Death is not the answer. If you were meant to die, it would have been seven years ago, in the service of your country, cause you are a fucking warrior and choking on your own vomit is not how you go out." His voice was raised but because he cared. In a very Ben action, Hux ran his hands through his pale hair. "If you had died, right after how you left things with Rey, she would have blamed herself..."

"It has nothing to do with her," the lie tasted sour in his mouth, but he had not had his _moment of weakness_ because of Rey, she was the only bright spot in his life. He had snuffed her out and him and him alone was responsible for his momentary need to escape his self inflicted pain.

"But she wouldn't have seen it like that." Hux let the admission hang between them and really sink in. While he understood that Ben should want to live for Ben, it helped that he had people around that wanted him here and were willing to fight for him.

They sat in silence for a long while and then Hux spoke, "You call McQuarrie?"

Ben half yawned, half scratched at his face, "Yeah, right after I decided not to you know..." he sighed heavily. "I left a message for the next available appointment, which I suspect will be tomorrow some time."

Hux pressed his lips together, still not knowing if he was doing the right thing for his friend. He could have told the police that Ben was a threat to himself and had him held for 72 hours or until he could be evaluated. Hux also knew that doing that could have major consequences, effecting Ben's livelihood, any future that he may want within government agencies, and even his rights to his prized PPK. But he was steadfast in the belief that if anything like this happens again...if Ben made it out the other side, that Hux wouldn't hesitate in asking for an involuntary hold.

For now, he would leave that call up to Ben's therapist, but that also didn't mean that he was letting Ben out of his sight until he could be evaluated. Because that is what friends do...no Ben was more than that. This is what family do for each other. So he decided to tell him that.

"You are my family Ben. There is nothing you can do to make me not care about what happens to you." Hux usually wasn't the overly emotional type, but his eyes started to sting, "Promise that you won't try again. Promise me that if you start to feel like that, that you will call me." His voice broke some, "Fucking promise me Ben."

Without another thought, Ben stood and without even asking, so did Hux. They hugged...not in the bro-mance way that they had after the divorce, but like how brothers might hug in a movie after the loss of their favorite grandparent. It was unconditional compassion and loyalty manifested in a physical embrace.

"I promise," Ben says as he still clings to his friend...to his family.

When they break apart, Hux lightly slaps at Ben's cheek, "You need to sleep the rest of that alcohol out of your system if you plan to be top side tomorrow."

Ben just nods, moving to his bed to pull off the extra pillow for Hux to take the couch, but when he turned around his very pale friend was pulling off his shirt on the other side of the bed. "What are you doing?"

"Getting ready for bed..." Hux said as if it was the most natural thing.

Ben just pointed at the couch.

"That thing smells like ass. You got yourself in to this situation, now deal with the consequences." Hux reached down and started to undo his white studded belt.

"The pants dude...really?" Ben gestured across the bed, his voice almost squeaking.

"I'm not sleeping in my jeans. They pinch my balls."

Ben threw his hands up in the air, "Why the fuck do you wear pants that pinch your balls in the first place?"

Hux smirked, "The ladies love 'em. Now stop being a homo hater and turn the light off." In just his boxers, Hux pulled back the sheets on his side of the bed.

"I'm not a homo hater, I just don't want to wake up to you spooning me." Ben watched Hux slip into his bed and he was careful to just position himself under the top blanket, leaving the flat sheet between them.

Ben laid in the bed ramrod straight, not wanting to spread out like he usually does, not wanting to risk tangling his feet with Hux's.

Before Ben could reach over to switch off the bed side lamp, Hux turned onto his side, facing his dark haired bed-mate. "You know...if I were gay, I would totally go after you."

Ben groaned, "You're not helping."

"I'm just saying that you are worth it...that you are worth loving." Hux turned again onto his back and they both looked up at the darken ceiling as lights from the street below cast strange shadows across the room.

"Thank Armitage...I guess..." Ben didn't know if he should be flattered or just plain uncomfortable. "But I'm sorry to say that you aren't my type."

Hux turned his head on the pillow, seeing Ben's profile, "Why's that?"

Ben rolled, turning his back to his friend before answering, "Because you have a fucking dick."

* * *

**AN: I had a lot of fun writing Hux (that last part was for any Kylux shippers out there). What do y'all think about Hux and Ben's friendship, since it is so far removed from their relationship in the movies? I love hearing from you and your faves and follows allow more people to find this story!**

**Chapter Title Song: Starley - Call On Me**

**8/21/18 - I have decided to cross post this from FF.net. As of today this story is up to date. As I finish chapters I will post them here and also under the same story name on FF.  Thanks for giving my little musing a read.**

 

 


	23. Fortress

**Yes Fortress**

Rey was able to rest a little easier after she had confirmation from Hux that Ben was safe. She heard a ghost of his voice over the line last night and it set the ache back deep in her chest. After listening to his voice message twice, Rey almost thought about deleting it, not wanting the evidence of any more of his betrayal.

Since taking a few days to replay their last fight and talking over the events with her mother, Rey had come to the conclusion that Ben had said the words that he knew would hurt her the most out of fear. He was scared to hurt her. He was scared of making her one day hate him. He was scared...and that broke her heart even more.

She had reconciled with herself that she was willing to forgive him for his words, words that at the time, had cut to her core. But that was until he had drunkenly admitted to going right back to his ex-wife, not even a whole day after they had parted.

Even though she promised to never pity him, in his desperate moment of full disclosure, she held nothing but pity for him now. He let her go, thinking it was what was best for her, not allowing her to make her own decision about their relationship. In the next breath he had sought comfort in the arms...or well, vagina, of the woman who kept his mind ill for years.

If Rey was being completely honest with herself, she thought that a woman like Jessa needed someone like Brent...not Ben. Someone to take her to fancy restaurants, buy her pretty tokens, and show her off to the upper crust of New York City. As much as Rey hated to admit it, because Ben was not broken, but he was a project of a man. Someone who needed a partner to work beside him, not belittle him for his unintentional short comings.

She had felt she was that person for him. That she would celebrate his successes, mourn his defeats, but always be there to help pick him back up and walk the, at times, troublesome path of healing with him as an equal.

Rey wanted to be that person for him. She’d gone all in for him. Fought for him like he had pleaded, and he cast her aside in what he surely thought was an action of valor, saving her from a life time of struggle with him as he fought his demons.

But his need for closeness and his choice of partners would be hard to come to terms with. Rey thought for a moment that she may have been able to over look him sleeping with a random woman from the bar over him falling back into the clutches of his ex. The trust that they started to build was broken, and while she planned to reach back out to Ben when she returned to the city, now she didn't know if she could.

How could she know for sure that he wouldn't run to Jessa every time they had a disagreement or if like last week, their lives became complicated. While technically they were not together when he went back to Jessa, Rey didn't know if she could trust him to not seek the compassion of another during harder times. She was not naive to the fact that their relationship would never be rainbows and puppy-dog tails...their life would always be a give and take.

She hadn't even started to process Ben's admission of suicidal ideation. He told her that he no longer wanted to keep secrets from each other and he seemed to have disclosed almost everything about his past, but a part of her doubted this was the first time he had these thoughts.

Part of her felt the smallest bit responsible. Thinking that she should have fought harder for him. That she should have gone after him. That perhaps her last words to him should have been something other than calling him a coward. But he hurt her and for those first few hours she wished that she never heard the name Ben Solo.

The sun was staring to come in through her windows but she had already been up for an hour, tossing, turning, and letting her mind take her down paths that she had no idea where they led.

Huffing at herself, Rey already swore that she was done thinking about Ben Solo. So with one last sigh of thankfulness that he was safe, she shut him out of her mind and readied herself for the day.

Her father had an appointment with his oncologist this morning and Rey invited herself. A piece of her needed to hear from a doctor that there was no other options for her father. She needed proof that her father was truly dying and that this wasn't just a horrible dream.

She moved a little slower that morning with dressing and readying for the day, having had very little rest. But she made it upstairs and to the coffee pot by 9am. There was a quick breakfast of toast and jam before Rey helped her father into their newly purchased minivan.

Watching the man that used to hold her on his shoulders, now struggle with the twelve inch step into the vehicle was heart breaking for Rey. She truly didn't understand how bad off her father had become in the six months since her last visit. She was starting to understand Obi's need for her to understand his choices about the quality of his remaining life.

It took them a few extra minutes to get to the appointment, having to stop at the Air Force Base's front gate and get Rey a visitors pass. Even though she adopted the Kenobi last name when she came of age, she never was given a dependent card or base access.

For late morning on a Monday the hospital on the military installation was busy and they circled the parking lot a few times to try and find a spot. "Why don't you and dad get out up front and I'll park the van?" Rey offered on their third time around the lot and her mother muttering about being late.

They pulled up to the side of the hospital where the out-patient clinics were and Rey jumped out again to help her father. She looked on with sadness as Obi refused the cane or his portable oxygen tank. His once impressive frame had been withered down to nearly skin and bones but he refused to appear weak on the base that he had once commanded.

True to her word, she hopped behind the wheel and took the van out to a grassy area reserved for overflow parking. She practically sprinted back to where she left her parents, not wanting to make them any later to the appointment, but also wanting to be around lto help her father if need be.

"Oncology is on the second floor," Millie offered as they approached a bank of elevators.

Rey just nodded her head, watching the mix of in-uniform service members, civilians, and veterans milling about the medical facility. Her father was in plain clothes and the only acknowledgment of his rank was when he was saluted at the gate.

Unfortunately his elevated rank did nothing to prevent him from developing cancer. In the waiting room he was just one of many fighting for their lives. He had no more right than the next man or woman to treatments or medical care. She looked around the room and saw her same scared eyes in the husband who's wife wore a pretty scarf tired around her head. Or the boy who couldn't be much older than herself, so swollen from long term steroids that he looked uncomfortable in his own skin.

She wished in that moment to have a magical, unwavering power to heal. She closed her eyes and imagined placing her hands over each and every one of these people, a soft blue light would admit form her palms in her concentration, and by some powerful force, they would be healed. But that was just a fantasy of a made for TV movie.

"Kenobi," a nurse called out from a corner of the waiting room. She didn't use his rank but many in the room recognized the name and turned to watch the aging man slowly shuffle towards the nurse.

Rey and Millie followed closely behind and were directed to an exam room. The same nurse took Obi's vitals and typed them into a computer stationed in the room. "The doctor will be in shortly," she said with a smile and exited the room.

Obi refused to sit on the exam table, instead taking up one of the chairs set aside for family. Rey sat on the rolling stool usually reserved for the doctor, slightly spinning to and fro, much like she did when she was a child.

Her mind flashed back to shortly after her parents had abandoned her. Since they were always on the road and they never held down jobs long enough to have insurance, most of Rey's medical care was in different ERs across the state. But when she became a ward of the state, she was given a complete physical. The x-ray machine terrified her and she cried out for her mother. Since then the smell of medical facilities always set her on edge.

Since she was a seemingly unidentified child with a completely unknown history, the intake nurses had stripped little Rey down, taking pictures and measurements. Rey knew now that it would be used as evidence should her parents ever be brought to trial for abandonment or neglect. Words like, cachectic and malnourished were tossed around. She remembered every inch of her body being examined, surely they were looking for evidence of rape or molestation. Both of which Rey was relieved to never experienced...or at least not remember.

A shiver ran down her spine as flashes of memories came from that time. It was so long ago that the faces of her parents were hazy, Rey doubted that she would recognize them if she passed them on the street. In a fleeting moment, Rey looked around her and saw her true parents, the people who raised her and loved her, huddled in a corner, as Millie reached out and smoothed down a wayward strand of Obi's hair.

Rey wanted that one day...not the sitting in a doctor's office waiting for the bad news about cancer, but the love that shone like an inner light from the couple. Sure there were times when Millie and Obi fought. Her father would be gone too long golfing or Millie backed the new car into a pole at the grocery store. But they were always able to come together, apologize, compromise, forgive, and when they rested their heads each night, just before sleep took them, whispers of love were exchanged.

This type of love was something beautiful to witness and Rey thanked her lucky stars that she was provided with such amazing role models for what it really meant to be in love. She should have realized years ago that Brent was not her Obi, but there was also something terrifying about being alone.

Of course her thoughts return to Ben...wondering how he was doing...was he thinking about her too...she gripped her phone between her fingers and swallowed thickly.

Thankfully before her mind could go too far down the roads that seemed to always lead to Ben Solo, the doctor knocked and entered the room.

"Millie, Obi," the woman who appeared to be in her mid forties said with a smile, shaking hands with the addressed parties.

Rey stood and walked the few feet over to her parents and her mother offered, "This is our daughter Rey. She is down from New York."

Being reminded of yet another issue that needed to be addressed, Rey filed it away for something to deal with later and she too shook the doctor's offered hand.

"I'm Dr. Kalonia. It's a pleasure to meet you."

The doctor was dressed professionally, a civilian doctor working for the Air Force. Her nose was long and drawn away from her face and the rest of her features were almost sunken, like she didn't have a lick of body fat to her. Her hair was dark, but graying, and swept back away from her face and a crisp white lab coat wrapped around her thin frame.

"Like wise," Rey replied, itching to get past pleasantries and discuss her father's condition.

Dr. Kalonia walked over to the computer station in the room and appeared to typing in her credentials to log into Obi's patient file, "I've had a chance to look over your PET scan from last week and I wanted to review the finding with you today." She waved her hand asking the other three in the room to come closer to the computer.

Rey watched in almost amazement as a dark image was pulled up, the outline of a body came into view, as if it was sliced in half, head to foot. She thought back to the exhibit that her father took her to once that had preserved bodies, it was part fascinating, part terrifying. Her focus was only drawn back when the doctor started talking again.

"Now we already knew that your type of cancer is non-small cell carcinoma that originated in right lung. This is your scan from February," Kalonia pointed out the highlighted areas of the image. "These pale parts are the tumors. Now we did your rounds of radiation and hoped to shrink the tumors but the newest scans are not promising."

A large lump settled in Rey's throat and she tried to swallow it down. What the doctor was saying was not encouraging, but it was the proof that she needed. The confirmation that there truly was no hope for her father.

"This is your most recent scan," the doctor pulled up a new image, placing them side by side.

Both Rey and Millie sucked in a breath of shock and sorrow. Obi reached down, taking both his wife's and daughter's hands in his. He would be strong for his girls.

"As you can see, we have a lot more active areas in the scan from last week." Kalonia pointed to bright spots in the brain and liver. She turned to her patient, "I'm sorry Obi but it has metastasized. Even if you wanted to try more treatment, we would be fighting an uphill battle."

"Like putting a band-aide on a bullet wound," Obi remarked, remembering an old medic using the reference.

"I'm sorry." Was all Dr. Kalonia could offer and she placed a hand on Millie’s shoulder in an act of comfort. She turned again and closed out the screen with the scans, typing a few notes into his chart. "I would like to put in a referral for hospice..."

"Hospice?" Rey finally spoke up. "He's not dying right now. We don't need them..." She looked to her parents for help. They weren't to that point yet. She needed to know that she still had time with her father.

The doctor turned and her eyes were kind, "Your father is dying. I am not God and don't assume to know the time or place, but it is coming." She turned to look at Millie and Obi as well, "You will need help through this. You will need equipment, medications, and trained staff to look in on you and teach you about care needed at the end of life."

Millie spoke up just before Rey was about to offer another rebuttal , "Thank you, Dr. Kalonia. We would like what ever help we can get."

Rey mashed her lips together like a spoiled child denied cake for breakfast.

The doctor exited just as quickly as she had entered. Rey wanted to stomp her foot and say that they needed a second opinion, scream that the doctors were not trying hard enough, but the logical part of her mind saw the proof in the scans. Her father was riddled with cancer and it was spreading faster than the drugs could kill it.

With a heaving sigh, she followed her parents out of the exam room, the too clean smell of the office still made her skin crawl. She ran back out to the van, the early afternoon summer rains had started and she tried not to get soaked.

Rey decided to stay behind the wheel, driving her little family back to their home. The trip was silent, Obi dozed off in the middle row, while Millie watched the rain slicked street wiz by. Rey attempted to hide the tears that ran down her cheeks, the tight ball in her chest was becoming unbearable and in her moment of weakness, she craved strong and warm arms around her, she yearned for his clean but dark scent to envelop her, she needed Ben.

 _No_ , her mind scolded and she shook the thought away. She couldn't fall back into the comfort and safety that she had felt with him. _It wasn't real_ , she told herself, but knew that was a lie.

Ryder greeted them with happy yips and a wagging tail, going right up to Obi and shoving his nose into his master's palm, demanding to be pet.

Rey knew that she should hang around up stairs and help her parents get settled in or offer to make some lunch, but she was still sulking and didn't want to completely break down in front of her parents. Even though she knew that her father would wrap her into a hug, pressing her head to his chest, and stroke her hair until the tears stopped. He had always been the strong shoulder she could cry on. He was the constant male figure in her life that she could rely on. Her rock, her bunker in the storm.

When she first came to live with the Kenobi's, he promised to never hurt her. He may upset her, like when she was grounded for sneaking out her junior year. He may disappoint her, like when he missed her first band concert in middle school. But he would never hurt her. So now with her heart breaking in her chest, she wasn't sure if he kept that promise. This hurt was out of his control.

She took a long shower, having neglected that part in her morning routine. Rey sunk to the floor of the tile enclosure, wrapping her arms around her knees and drawing them tight up to her chest. Her sobs came fast and hard.

This past week had possibly been the worst of her life. She would rather be left a hundred more times in that hot and smelly playground by her low life bio-parents than feel this pain. How could one person be expected to handle all of this...all at once? How was she supposed to recover from this?

First it was her job, then Ben, her life in New York, and now her father. Curling in on herself more, Rey tried to dull the pain in her chest but nothing helped. So she let the water run cold, but still sat until her teeth chattered together.

Wrapping a towel around her shivering body, Rey thought about Ben trying to warm her after they rode though the rain on his bike. Her body shook again but for much different reasons. With an audible cry, she took her fingers to her scalp, trying to scrub the memory of his touch, his smile, his intense gaze from her mind.

Why was it in her deepest moment of needing comfort, a person who rejected her was all she wanted?

Rey threw herself into bed, lying on her side and hugging a pillow tightly. She kept believing that like with any gushing wound, that if she put enough pressure on it, the bleeding would stop. She just wanted the crushing ache of her heart to stop.

Trying to put both her father and Ben out of her mind, Rey attempted to focus on the other matters that needed her attention. So she pulled out her laptop and read through her emails.

There were a few emails from the Child Neglect Committee and she quickly reviewed the attached documents before relying to the director, notifying him that she would still consult on cases, but that she would be in Florida for the foreseeable future.

She clicked on the email from the Office of Judge San Tekka and attached was her official ruling. Reading over the document, Rey almost reached out and traced his name as it appeared just below hers. But she pulled back her hand as if she had been burned.

Setting to a task, Rey contacted her malpractice provider and requested the needed documents to file a claim. The quicker she could pay off Jessa the better. She needed to put that chapter of her life behind her.

With a few tasked checked off her mental list, she looked around the room, her gaze settling on a bookcase on the far wall. The books on the lowest shelf caught her attention and she pressed her lips together in thought, weight her options and trying to make a decision, on the spot, about her future.

After about a minute of internal debate, Rey was determined. She opened her computer again and shifted her fingers across the keys quickly before she could change her mind. With a final click on the track pad, it was done.

* * *

**AN : I am excited that I finished this chapter early because maybe I can get another one out before the weekend is up!**

**As always, I love to hear your thoughts!**

**To you AO3 readers. Your comments freaking rock my** **world! I have been laughing with you and feeling your pain as you read through the 22 chapters that I just popped on here there other day. Keep them coming!!! It makes the ideas fly from my mind to the page.**

 **Chapter Title Song: Illenium - Fortress**  

 

 


	24. Sober

**Sober**

Hux was up with the sun and it took him a moment to remember that he was not in his own apartment, or his own bed. Turning to look over his shoulder, he saw Ben's peaceful face, lips puffing away with sleep. He smiled, thinking that he could hold this over his friend's head for the rest of their days.

Because Ben definitely liked to be the big spoon.

But instead of waking his friend to ridicule him, Hux understood that in his unconscious state, Ben had just been seeking comfort. And if that meant a little dude on dude cuddling, then Hux had done worse for less.

So he just removed Ben's hulking arm from around his slim waist and slid out of the foreign bed. He quietly replaced his clothes, grabbed the trash bag out of the kitchen that still contained the bullets, and slipped out of the apartment.

Dropping the bag in the bin by the street, Hux walked half a block to a cafe and picked up a few cups of coffee and some greasy breakfast sandwiches, hoping that it would help with Ben's hangover. He estimated that his friend was intoxicated for twenty-four hours straight and that must have done some damage on the body.

He balanced the cups and white paper bag and trudged up the stairs. Thinking for just a moment that he should slam the front door to wake his friend, Hux thought better of it, still feeling slightly sorry for Ben.

So instead of being the jackass that he was known to be, Hux set the breakfast down on the table in the kitchen and pulled out his phone. On the second ring a receptionist answered. "Dr. McQuarrie," he requested in a chipper voice.

"This is McQuarrie," the therapist answered the phone call that had been transferred to his office.

"Morning Doc," Hux said in a more relaxed tone. "This is Armitage Hux. I'm calling in regards to Ben...I mean Kylo Ren."

"Is Ren alright? I've been trying to call him all morning." McQuarrie's voice was slightly panicked. After retrieving a drunken voice message from his client from over the weekend, he had been trying to reach out and get Ren to come in.

Hux looked back over to his friend, still passed out in bed, unmoved from when Hux had woke, but alive as he could see the slight rise and fall of Ben's ribs. "He's alive, but I need to bring him in today."

McQuarrie and Hux were familiar with each other from Ben's treatment over the years. Hux also held a power of attorney for Ben ever since he became Kylo Ren and jointed the Marines.

Before Ben deployed, he had to name someone to handle his affairs and while he was engaged to Jessa at the time, Ben picked Hux to make decisions, whether it was financial or concerning his health care...not that anyone ever expected Ben to be injured in service.  Consequently Ben had also added Hux to his authorized persons list with the therapy center. It still amazed Hux at times that Ben trusted him so indiscriminately.

"Bring him in around noon. The office will be empty for lunch, that would probably be best for him."

Hux nodded before remembering that he was on the phone and couldn't be seen. "Thanks McQuarrie. See you then."

Setting his phone down next to his coffee, Hux crosses the room and crouches down next to the bed, pointing a single finger into Ben's shoulder, "Wake up, asshole."

Ben groaned and rubbed his face into the gray cotton pillow case, "Fuck off…"

For a moment Hux wished that he worked out as much as Ben did, perhaps then he would be able to flip the mattress, dumping his large, but very stupid friend on the hard floor. But alas Hux got most of his exercise pounding away at pretty young things. He needed to remember to text his newest lover and apologize for his quick departure the prior night. He most certainly did not want to upset this one. A satisfied smile crossed his face for just a moment before he got back to the matter at hand.

Since Ben had slept on top of the flat sheet, Hux moved to the other side of the bed, gripping the sheet and pulling, effectively rolling Ben like sushi, but also using the leverage of the blanket to dump Ben onto the floor. "I said, rise and shine." Hux lightly kicked the toe of his Chuck into Ben's ribs. "I bought coffee," he muttered before walking back to the kitchen.

Ben almost considered curling up on the floor and just falling back to sleep. His head was pounding and his stomach felt like it was trying to rot from the inside out. Even good whiskey can turn against you, if drank to excess…and he most definitely did some damage to his liver since…since…his stomach rolled thinking about Rey and all the other sins he had committed the prior night.

Scurrying off the floor as quick as his heavy limbs would carry him, Ben rushed for the bathroom, heaving into his toilet, cursing himself for not cleaning it as often as he should. His mouth was dry as the Jakku desert and the acid from his stomach burned on it's way up and out.

Picking himself up, Ben braced his weight on the old porcelain of the bathroom sink. His teeth felt fuzzy and in the most lack luster way, he scrubbed at his mouth…twice. He couldn't look at himself in the mirror and he would put his fist through it if the act of defiance wouldn't give Hux more ammunition against his sanity.

So instead, he started up the shower, still smelling of alcohol, and stepped in before the water was even able to warm. The cold water sent a shock wave through his body, causing him to take a sharp intake of breath.

It reminded him of boot camp, where he had to tread water, in full gear. The same burn settled in his lungs as he gulped in a breath, trying with every cell of his body to stay above water. But in this moment, the hundred and thirty pound combat pack was the emotional baggage that he still toted. The water-logged boots, was his mind that wouldn't let him think or feel. He almost craved the physical pain of the Marines. He may have been yelled at, called every curse word under the sun, but they always pushed him forward…never back…never towards failure, only to victory.

He rested his forehead against the tile, water mixing with tears as they streamed off of his pointed features. His mind couldn't even comprehend which part of his current life situation was most upsetting. Perhaps he had thought that Rey could fix him… _You're not broken_ , her voice sounded in his mind. It wasn't fair for him to expect so much from her, to treat her as his savior.

But she was a catalyst. The spark that set ablaze a purpose. And with that thought, his body was filled with shame and disappointment. He had possibly screwed up so badly that he was beyond redemption.

So he did something that he hadn't done since leaving Afghanistan.

Ben Solo prayed.

* * *

He changed the wound strips on his chin and then dressed out in the apartment, not caring that Hux sat at the kitchen table. He was beyond modesty at this point, knowing that the annoying ginger was one of the only people that he could completely bare his soul to, and that fucker would still show up to bail him out of a jail cell at two in the morning.

"Coffee's probability cold by now," Hux said not looking up from his phone but pushing the other cup across the table along with two over the counter pain relievers.

Ben took the cup with a thankful grunt, pulling off the plastic lid and gulping down the lukewarm liquid. He started to sit down at the table when Hux cut him off.

"We have to get moving if we are going to make it to Brooklyn by noon."

"You called McQuarrie?"

Hux slid his phone into the back pocket of his skinny jeans before sliding the wooden box from last night into a backpack, "No you called McQuarrie last night and then smashed your phone. So I took it upon myself to schedule you an appointment today."

"And what are you doing with that?" Ben pointed to the pack.

"Reducing means…" Hux said dryly, pushing the bag at Ben to carry, before also handing him a breakfast sandwich wrapped in wax paper.

Ben shuffled behind his friend like a sullen child on the first day of school, one strap of his backpack slung carelessly over his shoulder as he tried to shovel down breakfast and make it to the bus stop on time.

They took a quick but silent cab ride up to Hux's apartment, where he took the wooden box containing Ben's grandfather's firearm and locked it in a safe that was stowed in his closet. Ben allowed this to happen without a word of grief. He knew fighting this was never going to go in his favor. If it's one thing Armitage Hux was good at, it was arguing a point, and winning.

Hux changed clothes and within ten minutes they were back out on the street. They walked to Grand Central and caught the train to Brooklyn. It was a forty-five minute ride and they watched as everyone bustled around them, a hive of bees, rushing off to the next obligation. He almost wished in that moment for a more simple life.

His first few years of life were spent on wide open fields in White Cloud, Indiana and his lungs yearned for fresh air. Ben wasn't sure when he had last enjoyed the smell of fresh cut grass. The recycled air of the subway was suffocating and he felt his anxiety start to climb as the people continued to pack into the car.

Ben's eyes scanned the crowd wildly, pressing his palms together before they were sandwiched between his knees like a vice. He watched a heavily pregnant woman squeeze onto the train, pulling a toddler behind her. Without another thought, he stood and offered his seat to her.

At first she had looked up at him in fear, people usually avoided each other on crowded subways, but then a soft smile graced her lips as she thankfully took the seat, pulling her young child on to her knee.

With his height, it wasn't much effort for him to reach up and grab the overhead bar to steady himself. Ben closed his eyes, tilting his head down, his dark hair acting as a curtain to hide him away from the world. As much as his long hair was a way for him to conceal his ears, it was also a shield. It made him less approachable and defiantly not the clean cut man that most women would feel comfortable bring home to their mothers.

Hux placed his hand on Ben's shoulder when they arrived at their stop, pulling his friends out of an almost meditative trance. He couldn't be completely sure that Ben hadn't fallen asleep while standing up. Ben once boasted about being able to fall asleep anywhere, telling a story of digging a hole in the sand under a Humvee to catch a few hours out of the hot desert sun.

Again their walk was silent and they entered the counseling center a few minutes before noon. McQuarrie was sitting in one of the uncomfortable chairs in the lobby and shot up when he saw the imposing figure cross the threshold.

"Ren...what the fuck man?" McQuarrie's voice was part irate, part concern as he engaged in an over/under hug with his long term client. If dual relationships weren't so frowned upon, Kylo would be someone that Pharl would see outside the office, for drinks or to catch a hockey game. He cared about all of this clients, but over the years he developed a connection…a kinship with Kylo.

All Ben could offer was a half hearted shrug before he followed McQuarrie down a long hallway to a office that was located at the back of the practice. Hux moved with them, he was almost never involved in Ben's mental heath care, but in this instance, he needed to keep his friend honest.

In the office, McQuarrie pulled his chair out from behind his desk, situating himself right in front of Hux and Ren as they took the other two chairs in the office, a small table with a soldier's Bible and lamp on it sat between them. "What the hell happened? Our last session you were conflicted but excited about this new relationship with the lawyer lady."

Ben explained in simple terms what had happened at the cabin, how his ex-wife found out about them, how Rey was brought before the board and then fired from her job. He faltered for a moment in the retelling of how he had broken her heart and thus driving him into the tailspin that brought him to this mental health intervention of sorts.

"So you told her you didn't want her," Hux surmised. "Just tell her you lied and that you are an idiot. Women love when we admit to being mindless twits."

Pressing his lips together, Ben clenched his fists for a moment before looking from Hux to McQuarrie, "This doesn't leave this room…she would have my balls…"

McQuarrie was used to confidentiality and nodded, but Hux was intrigued and leaned forward in his chair.

"Rey was abandoned by her parents at like age five…just dumped at a fast food restaurant one day. She was bounced through foster care…and even her time with her bio-parents wasn't the best." Ben wiped his sweaty palms on the thighs of his jeans.

Hux shifted his gaze between his friend and the therapist that just slouched back in his chair with a sigh of understanding. "What?" Hux asked. "What am I missing?"

This time McQuarrie took the lead, "She was discarded by her parents, the people who were supposed to unconditionally love and care for her. She was never adopted, passed over for other children, always feeling a sense of rejection and most likely grew up with horrible self-worth."

Ben nodded his head slightly but let his therapist continue. "But she made something of herself, picking a powerful career, moving to one of the most prestigious cities in the world, which means she has either repressed many of her issues, or has spent years working through them…"

"Still not following," Hux said dumbly.

McQuarrie leaned forward again, addressing Hux more than Ren. "Kylo wanted to detach from the relationship, feeling that he was saving her from his…troubles," his gaze slid to his client for just a moment. "So he took her past, which she most likely trusted him with, and used it against her. Playing on her past traumas of abandonment and neglect." Pharl focused back on Ren, "It was very cruel and very calculating."

Hux looked to his friend, almost sickeningly impressed by the coldness of Ben's actions. Part of being a divorce attorney, meant that Hux was often looking for ways to undermine the opposing client, often playing dirty just for the fun of it. But he never cared about someone like Ben cares for Rey, and he couldn't imagine the vile mind set that Ben slipped into to cut Rey so deeply.

The ginger sighed, taking in the newest information in the whole sordid tale. "So we have established that he is a diabolical ass hat," Hux thrust his thumb in Ben's direction. "What do we do about his reaction, to this self-inflicted down fall?"

"Tell me about the pills." McQuarrie had been treating Ren long enough to not feel the need for platitudes, cutting right to the crux of the issue.

"It was a moment of weakness," the words sounded like a cheap excuse as soon as they left his lips and he became upset, mostly with himself but he wanted to share his blame. "You were the one that sent in the referral for them," he threw an accusatory hand out at McQuarrie. "I told you I didn't want those dame pills."

McQuarrie pinched the bridge of his nose, not taking Ren's lashing words personality. "Over the years you have been prescribed Prozac, Paxil, Effexor, Remeron, Wellbutrin, Xanax, and Seroquel. All of which you could have used to overdose…" He opened his eyes after rattling off the list of medication and looked at his client. "So why now?"

Ben just looked down at the generic office carpet and bounced his knee nervously. In the moment he felt hopeless and disgusted with himself for what he did to Rey. He didn't feel like he deserved anyone else, or any other chance at happiness. He didn't feel worth anyone else's trouble or thoughts. For that one moment, when he filled his hand with the sleeping pills, he felt that the world would be a better place if he wasn't in it and to prevent himself from hurting anyone else in the future.

"How long have we been seeing each other?" McQuarrie asked, knowing it would pull Ren out of his silent mussing.

"I moved to the city in '14, so over four years…"

"Four years…" McQuarrie exhaled. "Perhaps I should transfer your case to a different therapist. I'm unsure at this point if our relationship has morphed into something that hinders the therapeutic process, if I'm not as good as the diplomas on my wall state I am, or if you just don't want to get better."

Ben's body stiffened, "So you would punish me further? You would leave me even more alone after I literally decided that I wasn't worth the air that I breath?"

"Kylo…" McQuarrie started to reason.

"Look Doc, you know more than anyone how hard it can be to transition back into civilian life. There isn't that comradely or feel of community out there. In the Marines there was always someone…a friend…brothers to my left and to my right, as ready as I was, to lay down our lives for each other and for this country."

Ben took a large inhale, "But out there," he gestured to the world at large, "it is all keeping up with the Joneses, every man for themselves, every one competes against each other instead of working towards a common goal. We didn't bitch about too much traffic or the line at Starbucks. We worried about having enough fuel to get us back behind the wire or if our supply helicopter would get shot down again."

He raked his fingers through his hair, pinching his eyes closed, "I don't know where I fall into the larger scheme of things. Out there I don't have a rank, don't know my place. Nothing I do has purpose, no one out there is watching my six."

"I miss the pain of it all. Feeling something without having to put it into words. I didn't have to say I was angry and try to find the deeper root of it, I just went and blew something up." He wanted to pace the room, but it was crowded and he knew that he would just become more frustrated. Instead he just scrubbed at his unshaven face, "You can't give up on me Doc, not after I have already given up on myself."

Hux took it upon himself to reach over and clasp his hand down on Ben's shoulder, slightly squeezing, the closest he could get to an intimate hug in the current setting. He may never be able to understand what Ben went through in Afghanistan, or what it means to truly involved in something bigger than himself, but he would always be there for the awkward and headstrong guy he considered a brother for over ten years.

"I am not giving up on you Kylo, and never will, but I have to know that I am helping you here and not enabling you to not progress in treatment because of our familiarity."

Ben looked up with glassy eyes, Hux's hand still on his shoulder, "I will do better. I will do the work. Just don't shove me off on to someone else." His memories flashed to when his mother would run out the door to another meeting or promotion ceremony, many times forgetting he was even there and leaving without a word. He was passed over, passed along, and at times, he had thought, been forgotten. He couldn't feel like that again, not with people who he actually trusted and cared for.

McQuarrie gave a tight lipped nod, "I'm concerned with the ideations." He got back on topic without letting Ren linger too long in self pity.

"It won't happen again," Ben rushed out.

"Yes it will," McQuarry pushed back. "But we have to come up with ways to keep you from acting on those ideations. We have to reduce means for a while…"

"I took his gun," Hux cut in.

The therapist nodded, "I'm tempted to refer you to AIP in Albany. I would be in my rights to position a judge for involuntary treatment."

"Don't lock me up…don't send me away. What can we do here." His eyes were large and he turned his head to look at Hux, not only as his attorney and POA, but also as his friend. "I want to stay in the city."

McQuarrie held up his hands to slow Kylo down, "I said I was within my rights, but I didn't say that it was what I thought was best for your treatment plan."

Ben visibly relaxed, falling back into his chair.

"What meds are you actually taking currently?" McQuarrie got right back into it.

"Nothing…" Ben admitted. "When I met Rey I didn't think I needed them any more." He almost looked ashamed at the thought.

"Shit…" the therapist unprofessionally cursed. "No wonder you are so fucked up…you can't just stop taking those cold turkey! You pulled the parking break on your serotonin levels. We have to do something else…start you on something else…" He rolled back over to his computer and began typing, pulling up Ren's chart and seeing what they had tried in the past.

"I don't want to take meds…I've never wanted to take meds." Ben protested.

McQuarrie stopped typing and sat back in his chair, "But you are willing to put in the work?"

"Anything, Doc."

The therapist who was approaching forty, adjusted his glasses and went back to typing at the computer. "We are going to be doing IOP," both McQuarrie and Ren smiled, the government had acronyms for acronyms. "Intensive Outpatient Program," he clarified mostly for Hux's sake. "You will meet with me twice a week, attend groups twice a week, and volunteer at a veteran's service organization once a week."

"That's a lot," Hux commented, worrying about Ben being overwhelmed.

"He wants comrades back. He wants that sense of community. And he needs someone besides me to call him on his shit." He turned back towards Ren, "It will keep you out of inpatient."

"Fine," Ben earnestly agrees.

"I'm also putting in a referral to the Suicide Prevention Coordinator…"

"Is that completely necessary?" Hux interjects, thinking back to all the reason he didn't ask the police to hold Ben the night before.

"It doesn't get reported to any outside agency, just for the next two weeks someone will be calling to check in on you every day. If you don't answer," he gave his client a pointed stare, knowing Ren all too well, "the police will be sent out to do a wellness check on you."

"Yeah, yeah," Ben waved off the implications. "Show up for therapy, show up for group, answer the phone, don't try to kill myself…am I missing anything?"

"It's not just about showing up, Kylo and you know that. It's about putting in the work. Blood, sweat, tears…remember?" When the almost cocky expression fell from his client's face, Pharl was able to continue, pushing a piece of paper across the table. "I want to see you Mondays and Thursdays. We have OIF/OEF groups and PTSD groups. All the veterans in the groups have seen combat, have been where you were and are."

Ben took the paper and looked over the group times. He still had his bar to run, but since he worked at night, he could try to attend some day groups. "Anything else?"

"Veteran's service groups," McQuarrie passes another paper, "find one to your liking and volunteer."

Now starting to feel slightly overwhelmed, Ben went to stand.

"One other thing…" McQuarrie offered.

Ben turned back to his therapist, almost standing at attention in front of the desk. They had both been grunts while in service, one not out-ranking the other, but Ben respected McQuarrie…was ever thankful for the time and patience that Pharl had invested into Ben.

"If you aren't going to take the meds then you have to exercise…like every day. And none of this solo running. Go back to Crossfit. Be part of a unit, get the positive group reinforcement that you need."

Nodding, Ben pursed his lips, attempted to smother the emotions that were clawing just below his rib cage. The love and acceptance that he had so desperately tried to find exclusively within Rey was already all around him. He Was just so stuck in a routine of mediocrity, that he couldn't see what was right in front of him. He nodded again, more to resolve himself and held out his hand, "Thank you, Doc."

McQuarrie rounded his desk, seeing that Kylo was inches from breaking, he held back the caring embrace that he could offer, and instead he just placed his hand in Ren's, applying a respectful amount of presses, give it two pumps, and then released it. "Any time, Kylo."

Hux stood as well, also shaking hands with McQuarrie. Ben was already half way down the hall back to the lobby. "I'll keep an eye on him," Hux reassured.

"She was really that special?" Phral asked of Hux, somewhat perplexed by the significance of the woman that Ren had let go.

"Only time will tell…"

* * *

**AN: A little longer chapter than normal, but I needed all of this to be in there.**

**As always I love to hear your thoughts, so leave me a little love. I'm on vacation the next four days and may grace y'all with a new chapter sooner rather than later.**

**Chapter Title Song: Niykee Heaton - Sober**

**Time Line Update: Because I don't plan my stories like I should. I have changed a few things in earlier chapters to fit the time line. Rey is 27 and Ben is 30. They met in May not March. I hope this makes sense, but I had to move some things around.**

 

 


	25. Take You Down

**Take You Down**

Ben and Hux walked silently back to the subway station, hopping onto the R train and headed back into the city. They got off at Prince Street and walked up from the underground station.

"What are we doing here?" Ben asked. They were about seven blocks south of his neighborhood and he didn't really feel like walking that far home.

"You need a new phone," Hux answered, not breaking his gait, continuing his trek down the sidewalk heading west.

They entered the Soho Apple store and Ben grumbled as he shelled out another thousand dollars for a new phone. Hux snorted as Ben slid his debit card back into his wallet, "This should teach you to stop throwing your phone around like an child."

Ben just narrowed his eyes at Hux and his information was downloaded from the Cloud. They left the store without any other words passing between them and he lumbered behind Hux down Greene Street, only looking up from the phone every few steps to make sure he wasn't going to walk out into traffic. Due to his hulking form, most other people on the sidewalk moved out of his way without much fuss.

Hux finally stopped outside of a pub and held the door open for Ben. "Figured I would at least feed you."

The pub had ambient lighting, brighter than Ben's bar, but darker than the normal lunch spots around the university. Most of the seating were sets of mismatched tables and chairs along with some stools along the bar. Tufted black leather wrapped around the bar and dark woods adorned the walls. A wide selection of wines were on display behind the bar.

Once seated, Ben immediately turned to the back of the menu, scanning their drink selection. "One beer," Hux warned, thinking that his friend earned a drink after the intense therapeutic session.

They each ordered gourmet burgers and selected a craft brew to go along with them. When their food arrived Ben started stabbing his fries into a small container of ketchup and Hux could feel the frustration rolling off his friend.

"So what are you going to do?" Hux asked of Ben.

"I have to do the work. I want to do the work," Ben said with slumping shoulders. "When I came home, Jessa expected me to completely take care of her, and it was overwhelming, I could hardly take care of myself. I see now that it was unfair of me to expect the same from Rey. I need to learn to be okay with myself and not always expect someone else to be there to put the pieces back together."

Hux studied his burger but offered no reply.

Ben sighed with frustration, mostly at himself. "This is probably something I should've done along time ago."

Smiling into his pint of dark ale, Hux was finally satisfied that Ben had come to this conclusion. It was just upsetting that it took seven years of anxiety, depression, and ruined relationships for him to realize that he needed the help.

They ate in silence for a beat before Hux completely changed the subject and started about his upcoming cases. Hearing the bat-shit crazy antics of his clients always made Ben laugh and while Hux was used to the more brooding side of his friend, he also missed the carefree Ben that existed before the war.

Ben sat back in his chair with a smile on his face, listening to Hux regale a story about an angry ex-wife who mixed laxatives in her husband's food after being served divorce papers. "The poor guy shit so much that he had to be put into intensive care at the hospital and almost died from dehydration and hyponatremia," Hux was turning as red as his hair with laughing.

"He sure got a crap deal out of that one," Ben snipped back.

Hux almost snorted out his sip of beer at the comment, feeling light with his friend's improved mood. "I'd say, but his ex-wife is serving out her time in the women's prison upstate for attempted murder."

"Death by laxatives…" Ben said in disbelief, shaking his head down at his almost empty pint glass. "Remind me not to eat anything my next wife prepares when we're getting divorced."

"You planning to need my services again?" Hux asked with a raise of his sculpted brow.

Ben had spoken offhandedly, getting wrapped up in their banter. He couldn't think of anything he desired less than to have to survive another divorce. He would be more selective when considering marriage again, if he considered it again, and his mind slid to one woman. But he had to wash those thoughts away. He couldn't burden her with his issues, he also couldn't use her as an excuse to get better.

So he put Rey from his mind, the best he could at least, and decided for once in his life, he would think about himself over others. He felt like he was on a sinking ship ever since he was old enough to understand that his home life was not like other boys and he refused to bind anyone to the mast and pull them under with him.

Hux dropped him back at his apartment and then went home, but only after offering to stay the night again, recalling what a marvelous cuddler Ben had been. He playfully punched his friend in the arm and sent him on his way, promising to call if something came up.

Ben was thankful to have the place to himself and spent the afternoon cleaning and shopping. As he pulled the linens off of his bed he found both long browns hairs and short red ones…reminding him that both Hux and Rey had been in his bed since the last time he stripped it.

There were more memories in this apartment of Rey than Jessa. Ben owned the bar for years, always using the upstairs apartment to count the tills or stay over night if he was too tried to make the trek across the island and back to where he used to call home.

Jessa hated the bar, never coming down to see him, to support him. She found the one room apartment dark and dirty, turning down his offer time and time again to stay there with him. She complained that he was never around and they were not spending enough time together. He told her to come to the apartment a few nights a week, so that they could spend time together and he could still manage his duties for his business.

Even though Jessa didn't work after they married, she would not accommodate his schedule. She begged him to sell the bar and take a normal job at an engineering firm or anywhere really, as long as he held normal hours.

 _Normal_ , he snorted at the word rolling through his mind. There hadn't been anything normal about him since the day he made his first kill in the name of peace. He still remembers the smell of the burnt gun powder, the ping of the casing ejecting from his weapon, the recoil into his shoulder. No…there was nothing normal about him now.

Pulling out the papers that McQuarrie gave him, he set reminders into his phone for his new schedule of individual and group sessions. Yet another side effect of the IED blast, his traumatic brain injury made it more difficult to remember dates and time and keep up with new routines.

So he attended the PTSD group on Tuesday, had a one on one session with McQuarrie on Wednesday, went to the OIF/OEF group on Thursdays, and kept Friday and Saturdays to himself since they were the busiest nights at the bar. He also took the first week to research organizations that he could volunteer his time to.

The next Monday morning he got on his motorcycle and took the Holland Tunnel across the Hudson River in to New Jersey. It was a long but relaxing ride, he felt sometime very freeing about the wind in his face and the slightest bit of danger as he wove in and out of traffic.

He didn't often find himself in Jersey on purpose, but West Orange wasn't so bad and he was happy to be further out in the suburbs, more green than gray wizzing past him. The air became cleaner and he almost felt his lungs were renewed.

Ben was unsure what McQuarrie's reaction would be to the organization he selected to volunteer at, but truthfully he was feeling a little overwhelmed with the increase of human interaction over the past week and needed a place that he could let go, perhaps even fall apart and not be judged for it.

He met with the owner, Tim and his wife, Jennie. Their home was quaint and situated on a three acre lot. They had constructed a barn on the back property where they ran their organization. Ben didn't see any reason to not use his real name, one internet search could tell anyone that Kylo Ren was truly Ben Solo.

Tim served in the Army and was aware of Ben's mother, but offered to not hold it against him during his time with their group. Ben tilted his face to the floor and smirked. He had no wish to drag up his past and pull his mother through the mud, so he just gave the couple a knowing look.

After being given a tour of the facility and a run down of the kind of help they needed, Ben agreed to come every Monday and work for five or six hours.

"I want to thank you for coming out today Solo and wanting to help our little efforts," Tim offered his hand.

Ben returned the hand shake, "I'm here for selfish reasons." His expression held a smile but his tone was serious.

"Whatever your reasons are, we will take them." Jennie offered from beside her husband with a kind smile.

They parted ways within an hour of Ben arriving and he raced back to the city to make it to his appointment with McQuarrie.

Sitting in the familiar and dim office of the counseling center, Ben bounced his knee nervously as Phral looked over the information about the organization.

"A dog rescue…" McQuarrie looked up unimpressed. "I told you to go to a veteran's service organization."

"It is," Ben argued. "Of sorts," his voice lowered. "It's for military working dogs, which if you think about it, outrank both of us, and it's run by a veteran and his wife. They also try to reconnect the dogs with their previous handlers, which means I'll still be interacting with other vets."

McQuarrie just cocked up an eyebrow.

"Fine," Ben huffed out, slouching back in his chair. "It's too much, too fast," he admitted like a child caught hiding grandmother's teeth again.

Mimicking his client's posture, Pharl sighed. "I knew I was pushing when I suggested the interventions, but I just wanted to get you back out into the world with people you can relate to."

"I have you and the groups for that. Let me work with these dogs. Let me be able to talk to someone…something that will just listen." Ben was almost pleading.

"You aren't court ordered into any of this Ren. All of this is for your benefit."

"I know," Ben exhaled. "I know. Just let me try this out. If it doesn't work, I will look for something different."

McQuarrie agreed, again saying that Ren's participation in therapy and groups was all voluntary, but that it shouldn't be used as an excuse to slack.

The groups were small, which were to Ben's liking. There was never more than ten other veterans in each. The PTSD group was open to all wars and conflicts. The oldest was in his seventies and the youngest was twenty. _Too damn young_ , Ben thought looking at the kid with dark circles under his eyes and that far off look that everyone in the room knew too well.

The Iraq and Afghanistan veteran group was where Ben seemed to really click. Even though they were from different branches of service, he could see himself taking up arms with any of them. Standing by their side and pulling them from fire.

It was true that Ben didn't always agree with the orders that came from command. He had many times wanted to ask his mother 'Why' when she made hard decisions concerning missions. But he learned very quickly in boot camp that there was such thing as a stupid question…and it was 'Why?'.

So every Thursday he sat in a room with eight others and he didn't think that heheard that many cuss words since being overseas. But he was stating to feel part of something again. He was starting to feel that camaraderie again and he became the star of the group when it was made known that he owned a bar in the West Village. Many suggestions were made to move the group to the bar, but they were shot down by the VA employee who was the group leader.

During one session with McQuarrie, the therapist wanted to talk about Ben's coping techniques. "Tell me about how you dealt with issues as a child…"

"What does my childhood have to do with anything?" Ben asked becoming defensive.

Pharl tried to hide a smirk behind his hands that were pushed together at the fingers. He was well aware of Ren's issues with his mother, having talked about the General's behavior after Ren came home. "How you learned to cope from watching your parents or other influential people in your life, is telling to how you will cope as an adult."

"Well we know that is shit," Ben said with a scoff. "My parent's influence…not your psycho babble that is...no offense."

McQuarrie now made his smile known. "None taken, but all the same, if you want to be able to decrease the severity of your symptoms during stressful moments, then we have to retrain your reactions."

"You want to try and change thirty years of fucked up?"

"No," Pharl paused. " _You_ want to change thirty years of fucked up…if I recall."

Ben ran his hands through his hair and sat back in his chair, knowing that he had been caught. He didn't have to speak, just threw out his hand as if telling this therapist to continue.

Pharl smirked knowingly, "You have control here Ren. We can't go back and change anything that has already happened, but you can control what you decide to do from this moment forward." He took a breath, making sure his client was listening, "The military taught us to act, to do what we are told, to be stoic to a fault, but we are back out in the world now where those characteristics may not be the most desirable in day to day interactions."

"So what are you saying?" Ben asked, sitting forward again, interested and engaged.

"I'm saying you have to let go of some of the past. Release that anger and hate that is not allowing you to move on, to grow emotionally. Your holding a grudge against your mother that is keeping you from having meaningful relationship."

"I can't just forgive her!"

"And what do you have to gain from holding on to the hate and hurt of your childhood?" McQuarrie challenged.

"I know better than to let her hurt me again," the words left his mouth like a sad child talking about a bully at school.

"Yes," Pharl said almost too loudly. "Learn from that pain, learn from their mistakes…your own mistakes. But let go of the resentful emotion behind it. Forgive yourself if you can not forgive her."

"And how the hell am I supposed to do that?" Ben shot back almost in defiance. He knew the 'homework' part of the session was coming, having to perform little assignments that McQuarrie said would help him make progress.

"I want you to physically manifest those feelings…"

Ben just gave a dumbfounded look.

"You really should read up on PTSD if you want to understand what is happening to you," Pharl said in almost mock exhaustion but still explained. "Emotions during traumatic events are stored differently than normal emotions and memories. Many times it is helpful to work through them in an expressive manner, such as art, music, theatre, or poetry."

"That's why you told me to go to the plays at the university."

"Partly," Pharl confirmed. "But by next session I want you to work through some of your issues dealing with your mother…"

"You can't be fucking serious…"

"We have to start somewhere and I believe she is the biggest thorn in your side."

Ben huffed and stood from his chair a little too forcefully, the back of the chair hitting the wall behind it. He didn't even try to apologize, he just exited the room with stomping feet. The angry expression plastered on his face lasted until he was about halfway over the Brooklyn Bridge on the subway, but he finally had to puff out his frustration and admit that McQuarrie may be on to something.

So that night he may have gone home to his empty apartment, that was feeling less stiflingly lonely day by day, took a bottle from behind the bar and sat at his kitchen table and wrote down all of the anger, betrayal, frustration, and pain he felt his mother caused him. He even drew little sketches, not that they were any good, but when words failed him, the doodles helped to convey what he was feeling.

He felt so on a roll that he even devoted a few pages to Jessa.

On the bottom of the last page he gave one line to his father. It simply read, 'You were never around' and he left it at that.

The next Wednesday his session was early and he walked in proudly, throwing the paper down on McQuarrie's desk, waiting to get a gold star next to his name.

"What are these for?" Pharl shuffled through them, attempting to look nonchalant.

"It's the homework. It's what you told me to do about my anger towards my mother."

"This wasn't for me, Ren."

"Then what the hell was it for?"

"It was for you…"

Ben sometime wanted to shake his therapist turned friend and just scream for him to tell him what to do for a quick fix. But he also knew that there was no short cuts to this process and he was putting his trust in the Doc. "So what is the take away here? What am I supposed to do with this now that it's out?"

McQuarrie sat back, looking a little too smug. "Destroy it."

"Destroy it?" Ben looked offended. "I spent six hours on that. My hand cramped up like two times!"

"You have to release this." He held the papers up, waving them in the air some. "You are half way there with getting it out, manifesting it outside of your mind. But now you have to tell yourself that it is okay to have these feelings but that you will not be ruled by them. You must take control of them and destroy them before they destroy you."

Ben stood and snatched the papers out of McQuarrie's hand, cutting the session short when he walked from the room, crumping the paper on his way down the hall.

On the ride back into the city, Ben thought of a million ways to rid himself of the stupid papers. They were already soft and wrinkled from being clenched in his hands, but he needed to find a fitting way to send off what was on the pages.

It was nearly ten in the morning when he got back to the bar and he got an idea. He grabbed his riding jacket out of the closet in the apartment, taking only a slight glance at the smaller jacket that hung beside his. He sighed before going down to get his bike out of the back storage room.

He tore out of the city and took the 9W north, a trip that he had just taken three weeks earlier. The pavement radiated heat and the sun soaked into the black leather of his jacket and the black varnish of his helmet.

The roads leading up the cabin were quiet, the only sound was the gravel under the two tires of the motorcycle. The house was dark and he was thankful to not have another run in with his mother.

Using his code to get into the back door, he headed to the stairs, taking them two or three at a time with his long strides. At the landing he could go right to his parent's room, but he went left. The room that he shared with Rey was cleaned and perfectly made up, as if nothing happened here.

He ran his fingers over the wall that he pressed her against in his waking moments of the night terror. He stood staring at the shower where they made love. He sat at the edge of the bed where she had been what he needed her to be. Ben also felt that if he tried hard enough he could almost smell her perfume in the air.

But he came here for a different purpose, so he pushed off the bed and went to the other side of the second floor and into his parents room. In the master closet he found the safe, pressed in the code that he knew his parents would never change and took out the shotgun.

If the Army taught his mother one thing, it was to have good taste in guns as he palmed the Benelli M4 and pumped ten rounds into the tube. Checking that the safety was engaged, he carried the gun down the stairs, pulling a few steak knives out of the butcher block on his way out the home's back door.

He stalked across the heavily wooded property, approaching a large oak tree, he took the papers out of the inside breast pocket of his jacket, holding them to the wood backing before plunging a knife through them, essentially creating practice targets out of his notes of pain.

Turning, he walked about five or six paces and looked back to the tree. The pages on top where for his mother and the pages stuck to the tree below were for Jessa. Again his father didn't even warrant a separate target.

"Destroy them," he whispered to himself. "Let them go…"

Ben placed his large right hand around the grip, his index finger resting outside of the trigger guard, his left hand gripped the rail that was wrapped around the barrel and tube. He exhaled to calm himself before he switched off the safety, brining the butt of the shotgun to his shoulder and steadying his shot.

With another calming breath he pulled back on the charging handle, placing a round in the barrel. Another breath in and out and he fired off the first shot.

Eight rounds went into the pages devoted to his mother and two into Jessa's pages.

As his heart raced below his ribs, he didn't want to think about any symbolism in his action. He felt no desire to send rounds into his mother or ex-wife. But as far as he was concerned he had killed the power that they once held over him.

He didn't even bother picking up the casings that were left behind, figured he would give his mother a little bit of a scare when she found two of her expensive knives stuck in a tree riddled with buckshot.

Ben placed the gun back into the safe, feeling quite bad that he didn't have time to clean such a beautiful weapon after it was fired, but he had to get back to the city to open the bar.

As he got back onto the interstate he did feel better, like a weight was lifted, like the sun was rising instead of the perpetual darkness of night that he was used to. Perhaps the old Doc was correct, not that Ben would ever right out admits it, and he also would never tell McQuarrie how he dispensed his fanatical writings about his mother and ex. His sanity didn't need to be pulled any more into question.

* * *

**AN: I'm back! Thank you to my Muse for kicking my ass last night and telling me to write.**

**I took last week to get a one shot (that turned in to 11 parts) out of my head, so if you have not already...it would mean a lot to me if you took the time to read the little story called Stellar.**

**As always, thank you for the support on this chapter and this story. Your comments mean the world to me!**

**Chapter Title Song: Illenium - Take You Down**

 

 


	26. Happier

**Happier**

Rey had been back at her parent's home for just over a week when Obi fell by the mailbox while going out to get the morning paper. They were only alerted to the fall with Ryder came running back up to the house, whining and barking until Rey followed him down their long and twisting driveway.

EMS and the Fire Department had to be called out to get Obi back into the house and also check him over, but the only injury was his pride. It was at that moment that Millie took the doctor up on the referral to hospice and within a few hours a nurse was out at the house going over paper work and admitting Obi onto their services.

It was overwhelming at first, having new people in the home, asking about their personal business and rehashing Obi's decline in health. Millie chastised her daughter for not being welcoming at first, and when Rey finally realized how run down her mother became with caring for Obi, Rey accepted the help.

Within a day equipment and medications were brought into the home that reminded Rey that her father was in fact dying. Their nurse, Brittany assured them that Obi wasn't to the point where he would need many interventions but that when the time came, they would be thankful to have them on hand. Another down side to living in a smaller town was that the closest twenty-four hour pharmacy was two counties away, so they took the bottles that read Haldol, Lorazepam, and Roxanol and locked them in the safe in the master bedroom.

Rey sat with her parents at the kitchen table as the nurse reviewed the symptoms that each medication was used for. Her eyes were opened to the process of dying as terms like air hunger, terminal agitation, and apnea were reviewed.

While oxygen was left in the home, 'just in case', Obi declined the need for a hospital bed… _yet_.

The nurse checked Obi's vitals, reviewed her schedule for visits, reminded them to call the main office number with any needs, day or night, and picked up a small blue book out of the admission packet.

"I encourage all of you to read this," the nurse looked between her patient and his family, seeing the stone face of his daughter who was about her same age. "Maybe not today…I know that all of this has been a lot to take in, but the information will let you know what to expect next. Because sometimes the scariest part in all of this is not knowing what is going to happen next."

Reading the title, _Gone From My Sight_ , Rey saw that it was written by a nurse and pushed it back to the center of the table as if it somehow offended her. She knew what to expect…her father was going to be around for a long time. He was going to be there for the important parts of her life. He wouldn't leave her like her birth parents did.

She outright denied her denial.

Rey couldn't count how many times her mother had to reach over and squeeze her hand, reminding her daughter to not be a brat to the people coming in to help with Obi's care. Perhaps she wasn't that good at dealing with uncomfortable feelings. Maybe she hadn't come to terms with being fired after being propositioned for sexual favors from someone older than her father. Perhaps she had still not dealt with what happened with Ben…

By the end of that week, she was sitting out on their dock watching some kids paddle board in the bayou. She had that stupid blue book in her hands and she was thankful that it was a quick read.

Each page talked about the signs and symptoms of impending death. She started to check off what she observed in the almost two weeks that she’s been with her father, snapping the book closed and refusing to admit to herself that he was having some of the symptoms of someone expected to have only months to live.

She wanted to chuck the book into the water, but knew that one, she didn't want to litter, two her mother would be asking for it, and knew that nurse Brittany would just smile and pull another one out of her bag.

So instead, Rey shoved it under her thigh so that the wind wouldn't blow it away and took out her phone for some mind numbing social media stalking.

She started with Rose, pulling up her Facebook feed and smiling at the goofy picture of Rose and Finn out at a wine bar. She hit the like button before scrolling further down. A guy she went to college with got engaged, one of her foster sisters just had a baby, and the Child Neglect Committee was holding a fund raiser in September.

Her thumb tapped down quickly on the screen to stop the scrolling of updates. Her digit held firm as she looked out over the water, the sun sinking to the west, and she let out a slow exhale before looking back down to the phone. Moving her finger she saw his face.

It was a post from her Crossfit gym, she knew that Jyn kept up with social media and she also knew that Ben said he would drop in for classes, but she did not expect to see a picture of him. His hair was pulled back away from his face, but some sweat drenched curls had broken free of the band. He was bare chested, his hands on his hips, his abs tight as if he was breathing hard, as he looked down at weighted barbell at his feet.

Rey used her thumb and forefinger to zoom in on the photo, wanting to see the small smirk that played on his face. He looked light…proud…free…happy, and a place in Rey's chest clenched.

The caption to the photo was simple: _PRs all around today! An impressive 285# ORM Power Clean from_ _Kylo Ren_ _._

She was half way down the rabbit hole before she even knew it, clicking on his tagged name and pulling up his profile.

His picture was from his time in the Marines she could assume by the kevlar helmet and combat uniform covered in tan camouflage. His hair was cropped short and his ears stood out from the side of his temples almost proudly. He was sitting outside of a stone hut, obviously sometime during his deployment, a M16 slung across his chest, one hand on the grip, the other holding a cigarette to his lips.

She felt herself studying the picture for what seemed like hours. The sun had dipped behind the tree line across the bayou and the sky was painted in yellow and pink. But even a spectacular Florida sunset couldn't hold her attention against the man with REN printed across the right side of his chest.

Only being pulled away from her phone when her mother called her up for dinner, Rey took in a shuttering breath and walked up the hill to the lower level of the home, plugging her phone into the charger in her room before joining her parents on the main level of the home.

Without a word she passed the blue book to her mother and didn't offer an expression for or against what she had read. Her father used his new rolling walker, which he begrudgingly called his Cadillac, to walk from his study to the table. Millie and Obi engaged in simple conversation while Rey tried to ignore the fact that her father spent more time pushing the food around his plate rather than actually eating it.

That night she was back on her phone. The profile for Kylo Ren had only recently been created and she snorted to herself, remembering him going on and on about how social media was a waste of time and only filled people's heads with garbage. He only had the one picture uploaded and all the posts were ones he was tagged in or something posted to his wall by one of his fifty-seven friends.

She went back to the page for the gym and started seeing him in the background of some of the photos dating to about a week ago. Rey next found herself on Hux's profile, but most of his posts were pretentious and she rolled her eyes at his picture that was most definably taken by a professional.

Going back to Ben's page she found that the bar had it's own profile and she clicked on it. The shots of drunk college kids appearing to have the time of their lives was the furthest from Ben's approach to the bar and she laughed knowing that either Jyn or Mitaka had a hand in it.

Scanning over the posts from the past few weeks she went to the night that she left town and she almost wanted to cry at the sight of him. There was a pictures posted to the page from a girl named Samantha showed her in a 'Birthday Girl' crown taking a shot with Ben when he already looked three sheets to the wind. The posts from the week after were not promising either and as much as she was hurting she could see that he was hurting too.

But she bit her lips to keep them from trembling, remembering that he did this to himself. He made the choice to push her away. He had done this to them.

As she scrolled, Rey wasn't sure if her heart hurt more or less seeing that with each day his face wore a little less self hatred. He's brows became more relaxed and he had even started to grow out his facial hair around his mouth and chin. A flash of wondering how it would feel to kiss his mustached covered lip or if the rougher texture would increase the sensitivity between her thighs crossed her mind and she slammed her knees together, cursing her body for betraying her.

The most recent pictures, which when she looked, was updated five minutes prior, showed Ben with his arm thrown around Mitaka, his eyebrows were raised and his eyes were light, as if the camera had caught him right before making a smart-ass comment to his bar-mate.

Seeing this made Rey more settled in her plans for her future. He would be okay. He had friends around him that cared about him and would make sure that he was taken care of. After over two weeks of stewing in her feelings, she was able to release some of the red thread that was wound around her heart, ever tugging to the north-east.

Before she shut off her phone and picked up the book that she continued to get through, she signed, not believing what she was about to do, and then sent a friend request to Armitage Hux.

* * *

 

Ben was never one to be attached to his phone, being more interested in the face to face, personal aspects of his small circle of friends. Even if he was content with only seeing them every few days. Being an introvert with PTSD did not make for a social butterfly, which always amused McQuarrie to no end that Ben was able to be a charismatic bartender.

"It's a mask…a role I play," Ben had offered during a session.

"Well it looks good on you and I hope that some aspects of Kylo Ren bleed over into Ben Solo and vice versa, because they are both pretty great guys."

Ben rolled his eyes at his therapist, but smiled to himself on the subway home, thinking about a balance between the two sides of himself. Between the one-on-one session, the group, and his volunteer work, he felt just a little closer to balance, but something was still missing.

It wasn't surprising to anyone to find out that the piece Ben was waiting for happened to be in the shape of a spunky twenty-seven year old attorney. It also wasn't surprising that a few weeks after getting his new phone he found himself searching for her on Facebook.

Hux convinced Ben to join the social media platform, stating that it would help him keep up with his groups, who also created their own private pages to post about updates or outings, the gym, and also the organization that he volunteered with.

So he created at profile under the name Kylo Ren, thinking that he would only want to reconnect to guys that he served with and was pleasantly surprised to not only find guys he was with in basic and during MOS, but also those who were in the desert with him.

When he came home and the guys in his unit found out his true identity, some of them rode him for being the son of a General, but most found what he did honorable. He had his whole life laid out for him. A good family and an Ivy education, doors open to any contact engineering job he wanted, a pretty girl waiting for him at home…but he chose to drag himself through the mud with the rest of the recruits. To endure the desert with the rest of them. To bleed with and for the rest of them.

But what he also found was mostly people posting pictures of food, their kids, or fishing for attention, so for the most part he turned off his notifications and forgot about the app that he buried in a random folder on the second screen of his phone.

That was until one night when he found himself in a hotel in Dallas, Texas, bored and unable to leave the room.

It was almost three weeks since he left Rey and he was asked by Tim and Jennie to take a retired military working dog named Zera to Texas to be reunited with her previous handler. The dog laying next to him on the bed was a nine year old German Shepherd who was once attached to a Marine unit in Afghanistan.

With her head resting on his chest and his hand lazily petting her back he felt at ease. This is what he wanted when he asked Jessa about a dog. Zera's eyes had seen what his eyes saw but she still looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered in the room.

The dog and her handler both lost a leg when a bomb went off on the road they were patrolling. They both underwent surgery and completed their rehab and tomorrow Ben was to reunite 1st Sgt. Christopher Hertz with Zera in a small town called Pilot Point about an hours drive north of Dallas.

After only working for Tim and Jennie for a few weeks it was a huge honor that they trusted him to accompany a dog to their forever home. So he would order an extra hamburger and put on Animal Planet and not leave her side until he turned her leach over to 1st Sgt. Hertz.

But while he waited for room service to bring up their dinner, he flipped through his phone, finding himself where he always did, on the profile of Rey Beckett. At first he wondered why she used her birth name, but then he wasn't any better going by Kylo Ren.

There weren't many post when she first left and he figured that she was spending time with her parents and getting readjusted to being in her home town. He couldn't see all of her posts since her profile was private and there was no way in hell he was sending her a friend request, but he was able to see when other's tagged her in posts, which means that most of them were photos.

The first week it was a post with her mother, there was a body of water in the background and both of them were smiling but it didn't reach their eyes and Ben cursed himself for causing some of her pain, when she should just be able to focus on helping her parents.

He enlarged her profile picture, a more candid shot of her out at a bar or at a cocktail party as she was wearing a dark blue dress, and turned it so Zera could see. "What do you think girl? Pretty good looking huh?" Ben smiled to himself and patted the dog's head when she started to pant happily in his face. At this point he didn't even mind her dog breath.

When he scrolled back up, Ben saw that Rey was just tagged in another picture and his heart dropped when he saw it.

Her face held a joyful expression, but it was squished by the large tan hand of a guy with short cut dark hair as he planted a kiss on her cheek. Ben clenched his phone in his hand, but took a breath before he looked at the caption.

_Haven't seen this girl in years! Love her so much!_

Ben wanted to look away, feeling his appetite fade as his stomach clamped down on itself, but he also couldn't take his eyes off of the shine in her eyes. She looked happy…loved…light and it was killing him that it wasn't his lips on her cheek making her feel the glee that he saw on her expression.

Not being able to leave well enough alone, he tapped his finger on the name of the man who posted the photo. Ethan Jackson.

His profile was also private but he was able to see some photos and the man was shorter than himself, perhaps more towards average height as far as he could tell from a photo of the man standing next to a two door Jeep.

What surprised Ben even more was a photo of the man…Ethan, in a Special Forces uniform. He could tell by the patch at his mid chest that Ethan was a Staff Sgt. and the Airborne patch indicated that he had completed jump school. His beret sat snuggly on his head and Ben could see how Rey would go for a man like this.

It wasn't that he thought that she wouldn't move on, but he had hoped that when she came back to the city after her four week suspension that they could talk…well he could grovel and they could maybe try again.

Ben discussed this with McQuarrie and while he wanted to speak to Rey and apologize to her as soon as her feet landed back on the island, he also was willing to wait for her. He was going to tell her the truth about everything, continue his therapy, allowing her to be as involved as she felt she needed to be. If she wanted to wait until he was better…he would wait.

But he definably wasn't expecting her to be going out with some Army guy who she had a past with and who apparently loves her. He wasn't expecting competition for her attention and affections, even if they hadn't spoken to each other in three weeks.

"What do you think?" He asked the dog again, turning the phone once more to her eye line. "Does he have anything on me?"

Zera barked and then let out a small whine before settling her chin back on his chest.

"You're right. Rey is actually willing to see him and that is more than I can say for myself."

Their dinner came and he was able to resolve within himself that when he made the choice to tell Rey that he didn't want her, that he had wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn't with him. But now, after stewing within his thoughts, working through some of his emotions with McQuarrie and his groups, he wanted to be the one to make her happy.

Ben wasn't delusional to think that his few weeks of therapy had fixed him to the point that he could be what she deserved. He knew that he had a much longer road ahead of him and if he needed to travel it alone he could…he would…but God, he wanted Rey with him. He wanted all of those things that he confessed to his mother at the cabin, before he opened his big, fat, selfish, pigheaded mouth and possibly ruined that future.

For now though, he would show kindness to the animal that was a war hero in her own right, tell her his deepest secrets, his darkest deeds, ask her kind brown eyes for forgiveness, and accept her licks and whimpers for comfort.

The next day he would take her to a Marine who left more than a puddle of B+ in the desert sands and hoped that it would bring both of them some solace. And he blamed his watery eyes on dust when he heard 1st Sgt. Hertz give out a yipping call and Zera's ears perked up and she ran at full speed into the arms of the man who she almost laid down her life for.

Ben marveled at that level of loyalty and cursed all of the sins that prevented people from feeling that for one another. McQuarrie was working with him on his anger and pridefulness, and after seeing the picture of Rey with Staff Sgt. Jackson, perhaps he needed to add jealousy and envy to the list of his faults.

On the flight home he pulled out his laptop and opened the digital journal that he had been keeping. One of McQuarrie's suggestions after the successful emotional purge of his letter to his mother and ex-wife. He hated to admit that he found it cathartic to dump all of his thoughts, feelings, and musing for the day, allowing room in his mind for other things…like hazel eyes, chestnut hair, flush cheeks, and pert lips.

* * *

**AN: You all can blame my Muse for the delay...she recommended a story that took me most of the week to read.**

**But I celebrated my 34th birthday this past Friday...so this is a gift to you. I always love to hear from you and your comments and like crack to me. Thanks for the love and support as always!**

**Chapter Title Song: Ed Sheeran - Happier**

 

 

 

 


	27. Ocean

**Ocean**

Ben returned from Texas with little incident and settles back into his routine. He thanks Jyn for coving his shift at the bar when he shows up to the ten o'clock class at the gym. He hated to admit that the extra activities were working, but was also thankful for McQuarrie's suggestions for him to cut down on his solitary running. When he was alone, with just the calming music in his ears and the rhythmic pounding of his feet on the pavement, his mind seemed to slip back into a dark place.

But at the gym, with Jyn screaming commands somewhere between drill sergeant and cheerleader, he found another home. He found himself getting stronger, his lean body filling out, Hux cursing him for a genetic code that allowed him to acquire muscle mass on cue, but he found himself arriving early, talking to more people, slowing his pace on runs to encourage the new girl to keep going, he was becoming apart of _something_ again.

It was scary and comforting at the same time. He had been so worried about what the world would think of him. That his misdeeds would be hung with disgrace on his shoulder for all to see. That his scars would scream of his mistakes and the lives lost due to a moment of distraction.

Apart from McQuarrie being bluntly honest with him, it was a guy named Brox in his OIF group who kindly told him to, "Shut your cock holster and listen…" Brox, who served in Special Ops and acquired more confirmed kills than Kylo could even comprehend, went into a long speech about not blaming himself for anything that went down over there. They were fighting a war and they did a job they were trained and commanded to do.

"Look Ren, your ticket could have been punched over there, but it wasn't. You were given more days on this Godforsaken rock and what the fuck are you doing them?" Brox leaned forward in his chair, resting his elbows on his knees. "I lost guys over there too, but I sure as hell know that they would be here kicking my ass if they thought I was wasting my life away."

Ben just looked across the small room at the man who in any other situation would have him clutching his fists, ready to brawl at such an insult. But instead he just pressed his lips together…shutting his cock holster, and listened.

"So go out there and fuck some pretty girls," the group let out some gruff laughs, "raise some hell, but also do something worth while that would make those we lost proud of you for continuing on."

He smirked at the comment and planned to take Brox's advice…accept for the fucking pretty girls part. There was only one girl…woman who held his attention, but like he said he would do, he drove her from his mind, waiting for when he knew they could have the much needed conversation face to face.

He went to the gym Friday and Saturday morning before working his shift at the bar. He was starting to feel almost normal…or as normal as he knew how to feel. He was drinking less, opting to bath his brain in endorphins rather than alcohol. He was off most of his meds, McQuarrie started him on a stimulant, which worked two fold, helping him be more productive and less likely to sit around the stew in depression, and it also aided his hyperawareness, working to calm the brain much like it does for people with ADHD.

The almost daily workout and his full schedule also cured some of his insomnia, most nights being so exhausted that he could barely make it through the till counts before his eyes were threatening to close. On a normal night he got five to six full hours of sleep, usually up by nine in the morning to be at the gym or group.

As he sat at his kitchen table that Saturday night, balancing the credit card receipts and bundling the cash for deposit, he felt a pull in his chest. Rey had been gone for a month and there was still no word on her return. He was to the point of checking her Facebook daily to see a tagged post about her flying back up to the city, but there was just more pictures of her smiling and always in the embrace of Staff Sgt. Jackson.

There was a moment of weakness the prior week where he wanted to reach out to Rose and see if she knew anything else about Rey's return, but he decided to leave it be and continue to wait.

So on Sunday he took his bike out of the city and over to Jersey, pulling an extra shift with the rescue as they had just received a large influx of dogs from Kuwait. He didn't mind one bit that he would be cleaning out kennels, bathing dogs that had just endured a twenty hour flight, and just over all showing them the care and respect that they deserved.

His favorite part of the morning was taking a male Belgian Malinois out into the yard and throwing a KONG until his arm hurt. These contract dogs were different than ones who were trained and owned by the military, they were often just given a series of letters and numbers as names, often tattooed into their ears for identification.

Ben just offered an enthusiastic 'Good boy,' when the dog brought back the toy, showing no sign of tiring. He rubbed down the dog with some cool water from the hose before drying him and walking him back to the assigned kennel in the barn.

A large part of him wished that he could take one of the dogs home with him and he knew that Tim and Jennie would let him have his pick as long as a previous handler hadn't come forward wishing to adopt. But he didn't have room for dogs like these. They needed room to run, they needed attention, and they needed to still have a purpose, not be locked away in a dark apartment for sixteen hours a day.

He felt an even bigger kinship to the dogs in his care, for so long he locked himself away from the world, from finding another propose, and it was no wonder that he went stir crazy and ended up depressed and lashing out. He once equated his fight or flight instincts to a cornered dog, wanting to flee, but also ready to bite in order to escape the uncomfortable pressure of the situation.

So with a sharp exhale, he patted the dog's side and closed the kennel door. His last task before heading back to city was to make sure that each dog got a treat to chew on. Today was bully-sticks that he picked up in Texas.

"You spoil them," Jennie's voice sounded from the end of the corridor of the barn. The woman in her late thirties had short cropped dark hair and kind eyes, she wore a pair of well worn jeans and an AC/DC band tee, ready to pick up working with the dogs where Ben left off.

Pink tinted just the tops of his ears that were thankfully covered by his dark locks. He wasn't used to having his kindness observed. Just to look at him, usually covered in dark clothing with intense eyes and a naturally resting scowl, was far removed from the deep sing song voice he used with the dogs. "They deserve it," he shrugged and stood from a kennel about half way down the row were a female black lab was now happily gnawing on her treat.

Jennie gave an understanding tight lipped smile and nodded, being able to see right through the quiet tough guy that showed up at their door on a motorcycle and wrapped in black leather. "How did Texas go?" She decided to change the subject.

Ben walked towards her and started to wash his hands in the utility sink by the main door of the barn, "Zera did good with the flight and she got a cheeseburger for dinner at the hotel." He looked over his shoulder when he heard her snort, seeing the still knowing smile on her face. Pulling some paper towels out of the dispenser he stated to dry his hands, "The reunion with Hertz was emotional, but it went well."

Still leaning up against the door way, Jennie said in a calm voice, "It's a pity that all of our guys aren't given that kind of welcome when they come home."

His shoulders and back muscles tightened and he wondered what she knew. Ben never read any of the articles written about him when he came home, not wanting to scoff at the fluff pieces about the Army General's 'hero' son. So he just turned towards her, a single word hanging on his lips, "How…"

"I've been married to Tim for twenty years, been in the life for longer. At some point you start to see the same eyes in different people and just know…" She didn't break eye contact with him, long ago losing any shame at speaking her truth.

Ben shifted on his feet and his lips came together a few times, looking more like a fish out of water than a six foot two man that made people part ways on the sidewalk of one of the most populated cities in the country.

Jennie held up her hand and finally blinked, breaking the seriousness of her words and saw that her gesture set him at ease, "Just like these dogs, not all of our guys find their true homes when getting back to the States. It can take time, but I want you to know that even though we are lucky to have you, I hope that when you find where or with whom home is, that you feel the same belonging that you saw between Zera and 1st Sgt. Hertz. "

He was stuck in a trance for a moment, letting her words sink in, his heart hurt but felt light at the same time, and he had no idea how the two could mingle so perfectly. "Thank you, Jennie. That is all us poor grunts can hope for."

They both exchanged a short and simple smile, knowing that nothing else needed to be said between them and then Jennie picked up a stack of blankets, going to change out the comfort items in each kennel.

Ben kicked his bike to life and pushed his speed just over the limit on the way back into the city. He quickly did his weekly shopping and picked up his prescription at the pharmacy before going back to his apartment.

His energy was still high and he decided to go on a run before dinner. His green PT shorts rubbed at his upper thighs and he forewent a shirt, knowing that it would be peeled off of his sweat drenched body within a few blocks. Summer had descended on the city and the humid air hung on the streets like a thick wool blanket.

He continued to take the route by Rey's building. Each time he passed, his eyes would be drawn up, hoping to see the ghosting of her figure by the windows, but during the four week since she left, her corner apartment remained dark.

But tonight was different…not that he expected it to be, so when he didn't slow his pace while quickly moving his eyes to the sixth floor, Ben almost tripped over his own feet when he saw lights from behind the sheer curtains.

His heart raced but not from his physical exertion and a rock seemed to settle in the pit of his stomach. Pacing on the opposite side of the street, his clenched fists pressed to his lips, as an internal pep talk raged.

Within a few minutes he rehashed all of the pros and cons of going up and knocking on her door. He looked down at himself, just shorts and his running shoes and groaned, considering if he had time to go home and change.

But his heart won out over his brain and he desperately needed to see her, so he took in a deep breath and shook out his hands, trying to regain blood flow to his fingers and also trying to calm the jitters that seemed to flow out from his middle. Crossing the street he just barely noticed the car that sounded it's horn before speeding by him, but his focus was completely on the illuminated top floor of the building.

Unable to wait for the elevator, he took the stairs two at a time and paced the hallway to catch his breath. Checking his reflection in the metal surface of the elevator doors, he cursed himself for not wearing a shirt, but also smirked knowing the effect his body had once on Rey. His smile faltered though, knowing that this was before he broken her heart, before he pushed her away, before he made her question her worth.

He was about to turn around and go back down the stairs when he heard a sound from down the hall, coming from her apartment. Ben exhaled once more and then walked to the door, raised his hand and rapped his knuckles against the wood three times.

Pushing back on his sweat damp hair, he shook our his hands again, rolling on the balls of his feet. Another sound came from inside the apartment and then he heard footsteps.

"Food is here babe!" A male voice called from behind the door.

Ben's heart dropped again and a million thoughts rolled through his mind at once. Perhaps she brought the solider home with her and Ben wanted to be sick thinking about how important this Ethan guy must be for him to take leave and come to New York with her. He wondered if the Staff Sgt. was stationed at Drum and while the five hour drive between the city and the Army instillation upstate might be much, it was closer than any base in Florida.

The term of endearment wasn't lost on him either and he knew that a man didn't call a woman who was just a friend ' _babe'._ Whoever was in the apartment with Rey had a relationships with her comfortable enough to use such a term casually.

His fists balled at his sides and he tried to decide if he should confront the man behind the door or if he should just leave, because how dare someone call _his_ Rey, _babe_. Just then another sickening feeling hit him that if Rey had truly moved on and found someone else, that now Ben was the interloper, the _'other man'_ and he started to feel the tiniest sympathies for his ex-wife.

But overall he wanted Rey to be happy and if this new guy, if it was Ethan, someone from her past who loved her, could give her what she needed, who was he to intervene? So he turned to walk back down the hall when he heard the door open, expecting the voice to ask something along the lines of _'Can I help you?'_ when realizing that he wasn't here to deliver their dinner.

"Ben?" Came the confused voice behind him and he turned to see his best friend standing in the door way. "What are you doing here?"

He saw red. How dare Hux stand there and pretend to care about Ben's wellbeing, help him start to heal, see him start to be okay without Rey…just to stab him in the back and move in on her for himself. He was back down the hall in a second, fists primed and ready to do work if Hux was not able to explain what was going on quick enough.

"What am I doing here?" Ben's voice boomed in the small hallway. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Hux looked at his friend's expression and held up his hands, "Easy there big guy…"

"What are you doing in Rey's apartment," he had to suck in a breath, his blood boiled, "and calling her _babe_." The last word was sneered between gritted teeth.

"Rey's apartment?" Hux's brows pinched together.

"Don't play dumb with me, you weaseling son of a bitch." Ben stabbed an accusatory finger into his friend's…no, ex-friend's chest, satisfied when he watched the back stabbing red head winch with each poke.

"Armi, what's going on out there?" A soft voice came from within the apartment.

Ben looked around his friend into the living room, "Rose?" He asked, confused before looking back at Hux and unclenched his fist from his friend's collar, not even realizing that he had grabbed onto him.

To his credit, Hux sighed in relief and dropped his hands that had been up in surrender. "Fuck Ben. I'm going to have to go change my pants now. Thanks for that."

Still looking between his best friend and Rey's best friend, he tried to piece together what was going on. "Is Rey here?" He finally asked of the small dark haired woman peeking out from behind the wall the separated the kitchen from the living room.

"I think you should come in Ben." Rose offered with an almost sad expression, not wanting to draw any more attention from the neighbors by having this conversation in the hallway. When he started to move into the apartment she turned towards the bedroom, "I'll just go put on some pants."

Hux shut the door behind his friend, looking him up and down, "Nice look you got going on there, Benny."

"Fuck you, _Armi_ ," he cooed the name trying to hit the inflection that Rose had. They exchanged an indignant look before Ben continued, "What the hell man? You and Rose?"

Hux got a smug look on his face, "Dude she does pilates three days a week…" his eyes sparkled. "The positions I can get that woman into should be illegal."

"I could have gone the rest of my life without that image burned into my mind." Ben replied, nervously scratching at his arm, the drying sweat starting to make him itch. "How long has this been going on?"

"Just after your divorce," Hux started but then his focus went to over Ben's shoulder and his head tilted as if he was trying to calculate the next contorted position he would be folding Rose into later that night.

Ben looked over his shoulder and his body followed until he was facing Rose when she came out of the bedroom. The same room where everything between him and Rey had started. He hated that Hux was now sullying that blissful space with his kink.

"Rose…where's Rey?" His voice was soft, yearning.

The petite woman wrapped her arms around her chest as if ready to protect herself and Hux moved to her side at the shift in body language. "She's still in Florida," was the simplest answer she could provide.

"Okay…" Ben looked around the apartment. "Does she know that you and Hux are using her place as a F-shack?"

"It's not her place anymore," Rose said, inclining her chin to the other side of the living room behind the couch.

Ben looked to where she was indicating, seeing a stack of perhaps ten packing boxes. "I don't understand," his gaze moved from the couple to the boxes.

Rose sighed, "I was able to sublet the apartment from Rey because she doesn't know when…or if she will be coming back."

"If?" He asked, an expression of pain settled on his face.

"She's going to stay with her parents until her father passes away and then she isn't sure if she can leave her mom down there alone."

"But…" he tried to fathom what he was hearing.

"She says she doesn't have anything left up here to come back to." Rose pressed her lips together in sympathy as she watched Ben flinch under the weight of her words.

Unfortunately at that moment Ben did what he does best when he's hurt…he lashed out. "I see…I understand…You just stand around as she is fired for refusing to suck off some guy named Snoke and have no problem stepping in and taking her job and her apartment," his laugh was dark and mocking. "I can see how much you profited from her down fall…"

"Ben…" Hux's tone was warning.

"Tell me Rose. How does it feel to be out of your shitty broom closet of an apartment in Chinatown? This must feel like the Ritz to you…and all it took was your _best friend's_ dignity."

Rose was usually soft spoken, almost meek in her approach to problems but she refused to let Ben walk all over her. "I am not the problem here," she almost yelled back. "Rey lost her job because she wanted you more than she wanted to work for Almec, Ralter, and Nudo," she took a breath, "and for the life of me…at this moment…I can't see why!"

Fight or flight was started to crawl up his spine and his eyes started flit around the apartment as the muscles in his jaw ticked and his hands were still strained into fists at his sides.

Hux saw the direction that this altercation was headed and decided to take steps to deescalate. "Look Ben…I can tell that you are upset right now, but it is not Rose's fault. Rey would have to keep up with the rent when she wasn't even living here and with no job. If it wasn't Rose…it would have been someone else in here."

Some of the foggy red curtain started to draw back from Ben's visions at the calm and reasonable voice of his friend and his shoulders slumped.

"Why don't you go start the shower and I'll be right in," Hux said quietly to Rose as he planted a kiss on the top of her head. "I'm going to show Ben out."

Rose looked up at her firecracker of a lover and nodded before her hard expression returned as she gazed once more at Ben. She turned and walked back into the bedroom, shutting the door behind her.

"I'm sorry, Rose," Ben tried to call out to her retreating form.

Hux walked over to his friend and clasped a hand down on his cool shoulder, "And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Rose before…"

Ben's gaze met his friend's, his eyes slightly glassy, "I thought she was back…I thought she was coming back…"

Not caring that Ben was practically naked, apart from the loincloth he called running shorts, Hux pulled him into a hug. No words passed between them, Hux knowing that they would end up meeting up for burgers and beers later in the week to fully discuss what all of this meant.

When they parted, Ben's upper body tensed and he shivered, "You got any shirts here that I can borrow for the run home?"

"Yeah…let me go check."

Watching his friend disappear behind the bedroom door Ben wandered over to the stack of boxes, running his fingers over what amounted to all of Rey's personal belonging. A stack of mail caught his attention and he acted before his brain could tell him it was a terrible idea.

He turned quickly when he heard the door again. "This should work," Hux said, throwing a grey shirt across the living room.

Ben caught it at mid-chest level, unfolding it and groaned.

Hux just snickered as he watched his friend pull on the shirt with AIR FORCE printed in large black letters across the chest.

"I fucking hate you," Ben looked down at the shirt as if it was burning his body, but he would wear it for the rest of the night because it smelled like her.

"Love you too man," Hux said back, taking Ben's shoulder again and pushing him towards the door. "Now if you don't mind, I have a double jointed woman waiting on me."

At least Ben was leaving mildly amused but also completely grossed out. When he was in the hall Hux called out to him, "You going to be alright?"

Nodding Ben pulled in a large breath, closing his eyes he could almost imagine his face buried in the nape of Rey's neck, her hair tickling his nose as his warm breath made her shiver. "Yeah…" he sighed. "I'll call you tomorrow and make sure to wear a condom…we don't need any other soulless red heads running around."

"To hell with you too, Solo." Hux smirked before ducking back into the apartment.

Ben couldn't deny that he was disappointed and his heart felt ripped back open, but as he pulled the crumpled piece of mail from his shorts, he looked down at the forwarding address that Rose scribbled on the envelop and he itched to get home…

He had a plane ticket to buy.

* * *

**AN: It was so nice having another day off and being able to get this chapter out of my head. Our Benny Solo has finally grown a pair and is going to try and get his girl back! So off to Florida we go!**

**Any readers from The Sunshine State, give me a wave! And let me know what you think of the chapter!**

**Chapter Title Song: Martin Garrix (feat. Khalid) - Ocean**

 

 **Hey AO3 users!! I need some help coming up with some other Tags for this story. Drop your suggestions down below and help a girl out!**  

 


	28. Symphony

**Symphony**

As much as Ben wanted to pretend he was the dashing male lead in a romantic comedy, and that he could just zip off to the airport and go to Rey in a sweeping grand gesture…that was not real life and he had responsibilities to his employees and to his therapist that needed to be handled. So when he got home to his apartment, he was able to find a flight leaving JFK late the next day headed for the small coastal town in the panhandle of Florida.

He was too wound up to get his normal six hours of sleep, so he spent his time getting together a small carry-on bag, unsure if Ray would send him packing the moment he arrived or if she would be open to spending a couple days with him. When his nerves started to buzz under his skin, he took to pumping out push-ups and sit ups like a rank promotion depended on it.

Finally being able to lay down around two in the morning, his mind would still not stop racing. He dreamed up every possible scenarios in his harebrained plan to win back Rey. The outcomes of his musings ranged from her kicking him square in the balls to jumping into his arms and taking him to bed. He prayed with all of his might that the reality would fall somewhere in the middle of that spectrum.

In the morning he did a quick circuit to the gym to not only work off the rest of his anxiety but also to ask Jyn to fill in a few shifts at the bar for him. He then hopped onto the subway and made the trek down to Brooklyn to attend his session with McQuarrie and let his therapist know that he would be out for the rest of the week…hopefully.

"I have to go out of town for a few days, possibly a week depending on how things go," Ben said in a hurry as he stood nervously in his therapist's office.

"Another dog drop off or something different?" He asked but then read his client's body language, seeing stiff shoulders and short intakes of breath. "Anything going on that I need to know about?" McQuarrie would never force Ren to reveal information about his personal life, but he felt that after all the years they'd been seeing each other and the trust that they had formed, that his client should feel comfortable enough to tell him anything.

Ben ran his right hand through his hair before scratching at the cluster of curls now growing underneath his chin as a slightly hopeful smile spread across his face. "I'm going to see Rey."

McQuarrie paused, "Do you think that is a good idea? Have the two of you even tried to communicate while she's been gone?"

"No," Ben decided to answer the second question first. "We haven't reached out to each other…"

"So why now?"

"She gave up her apartment. She's not coming back." Ben said helplessly.

Nodding, Pharl knew that he couldn't say anything to sway his client, and wasn't sure if he even wanted to. It was evident that the hurt that Ren caused the girl was eating at him and perhaps this would give him some closure, allowing him to move forward or move on depending on how the reunion went.

"When should I expect you in next?" McQuarrie asked with a raised brow as he hunched over his computer with his scheduling calendar pulled up.

"A week…and I can check in with the groups on Facebook and we can even do a session over FaceTime or something if you want. I'm not going to fall back on the work that we have done, I promise." Ben wasn't sure why he was trying to convince his therapist who appeared to be not putting up any fight in the matter.

"The office is closed on Wednesday for the holiday anyways, so just let me know when you get back and we can pick back up where we left off." McQuarrie stood up straight again and walked over to Ren. "I want you to keep journaling and if anything happens…and I mean anything that makes you think that you aren't worthy to be here, I want you to call me. Okay?"

Ben pressed his lips together and nodded. How he thought that he was alone before this was ridiculous and he cursed his rash thoughts from the prior month. He gave Phral a one armed hug and promised to call when he got back into the city.

On the walk to the subway station, he feet felt almost lighter, his shoulder held high, and his mind was only on her light. His good mood followed him on the ten minute ride to Tribeca where he waited for his friend's receptionist to announce him.

"Ben," Hux started as he walked out of his office taking the outstretched hand of his friend who was now standing in the small waiting area of his firm. "I didn't expect to see you today."

"Can we talk?" Ben asked, shifting his eyes from Hux to the office he had just walked from.

"Sure," Hux said, eyeing Ben carefully. "Mary, hold my calls please."

Hux held out his hand, ushering his friend into the office, "What's up?" He asked once the door was closed behind them.

"I'm leaving the city for the next week…" Ben started and watched Hux give him a discrediting looking. "I'm going to Florida." He tried to put as much confidence into his voice.

"Oh Ben…" Hux's pale face held a worried expression. "Are you sure that is wise?"

Ben only shrugged, "It can only go one of two ways…either she refuses to see me or she hears me out and at least lets me apologize and tell her that I'm an idiot."

"Or she could just try and kill you for being such an ass about all of this." Hux quipped back.

"Or that…" Ben smirked.

Hux sighed, "This is something you really think you need to do, isn't it?"

"It is." Ben let out his own sigh. "Even if she tells me she hates me and never wants to see me again, at least I can tell her that I was wrong, and that her worth is greater than she can ever imagine. I have to know that she will be okay…I have to know that she isn't holding on to the hurt I caused her. I know first hand what bottling up too much pain can do to a person."

"Well then I wish you the best of luck…" Hux hugged his friend with a few reassuring pats on the back. "And remember, if you hear banjos, run the other direction."

Ben stepped back from his friend and smiled wide, "I'm glad to hear you are so supportive." He took a step towards the door, placing his hand on the knob, "And since you are still the owner of the bar I'm going to need you to keep track of the books while I'm gone…okay?" He opened the door, "Thanks buddy!"

As Ben rushed through the last part of his statement he saw redness creeping up his friend's pale skin and he knew he would need to make a quick exit. Opening the door he waved his large hand and took long strides through the lobby, only glancing back to see the still shocked and irate expression on Hux's face. Ben took the stairs, not wanting to wait for the elevator.

Breathing heavy and back on the street, Ben took out his phone and placed a call to Mitaka, apologized for the late notice, but relayed that he would be out for the next week, that Jyn would be filling in and Hux would be by to balance the tills and make the deposits.

Thinking two steps ahead, Ben asked his second in command to go ahead and hire another bartender. If his visit with Rey went well, he might be spending more time down south than he thought and if it didn't, he could always use more time off to work with the groups and with his volunteer efforts.

He had everything set…all that was left to do was grab his bag from his apartment and head to the airport. His destiny was hanging in front of him like the sun as it dipped towards the horizon and he was willing to chase it for as long as he had to.

* * *

He left for JFK two hours before his flight was scheduled, deciding to take a cab instead of the subway to cut the trip in half, which still left him waiting at the gate for over an hour. So he did what any sensible man who was preparing to fly across the country in an attempt to win back the girl that stole his heart; he paced, bounced his knees, chewed at his cuticles, and just looked like an overall ball of nerves.

When his flight number was called through the overhead speaker, Ben almost jumped out of his skin. His palms started to sweat and he wiped them on his dark wash jeans. He wasn't conflicted about his choice to go to her, but the stress of not knowing how she would react was getting to him. Ben wanted to drop down right there in the terminal lobby and do push-ups or at least run in place to alleviate some of his anxiety, but he feared being thrown from the airport for suspicious activity.

So instead he popped his knuckles and gathered his ID and boarding pass ready to approach the gate. He splurged on a first class ticket, thinking that with his physical size and already heightened stressful state, being crammed into a seat in coach would not be beneficial.

Once on the plane, he pushed his worn leather carry-on into the overhead compartment before taking his seat. He briefly thought about asking for a few of the small bottles of alcohol from the flight attendant, but also didn't think he should show up on Rey's door smelling like whiskey.

He put on his noise-canceling earphones and turned on some classical music. Growing up he had learned to play the piano and always found it calmed him, and at this moment he was in dire need of some serenity. He found a play list called The Sith Symphony and laid his head back, closed his eyes, and allowed his mood to swirl with the dark notes from the reeds and brass.

It felt like he had just blinked, but the flight attendant was coming around to wake the passengers and prepare for their landing in Atlanta. Ben almost forgot about the two hour layover before continuing onto the smaller airport that serviced Rey's home town.

Taking his carry-on bag, he found the next gate he was flying out of and then ventured to a small cafe just across the terminal. He ordered a coffee and a sandwich before taking out his computer and opening his electronic journal, wanting to document his day and also release some of the pent up anxiety that continued to sit in his gut like a rock.

He poured out what happened with his talks with McQuarrie and Hux. He put words to the feelings he was having. He typed out the dream he had on the first leg of the flight, with the ominous music guiding him through murky waters to unknown challenges. By the time the alarm on his phone went off, giving him a fifteen minute warning before needing to board the next plane, he felt lighter and he wondered why he had not done this kind of expression in the past.

This leg of the trip was short, only about an hour and he selected a different play list, one that gave him a more hopeful feeling, The Jedi Symphony. The compositions were flooded with strings and ivory keys, French horns sent warmth through him and flutes made his heart feel as if it was floating above his head.

Beyond the many theatrical productions he attended over the years at the insistence of his therapist, Ben also enjoyed symphonies. For the very same reason, that which a person, or group of people, could express emotion through a different medium, was compelling and encouraging to him. Over the past few weeks he even considered taking the piano back up, thinking about beating out his feelings in a mix of forte or with the delicate touch of a pianissimo.

He was pulled from his thoughts once more by a different flight attendant, tell him that they were making their finally approach and would be landing soon. Securing his seatbelt, he started to gather his belongings, shoving his laptop and headphones into his bag and when Ben looked out of the window, he finally noticed that it was raining.

The airport was small, maybe only able to accommodate eight commercial airplanes at a time, so it wasn't hard to find the exit and he pulled up the app on his phone to order himself an Uber.

His phone, but not his watch, had adjusted to the time zone change and seeing that it was after eleven, he almost talked himself into getting a hotel for the night. But he'd come this far…he was in the same town at Rey…it almost felt as if electricity was coursing through his body, making his arm hairs stand on end…or perhaps that was just the raging lightening storm that was going on around him.

Scoffing to himself, he found the Sunshine State rather wet.

Another flash of light scarred the sky and the thunder that followed made Ben jump, his mind going back to mortar shells exploding over and around their camp. When they were on patrol the next day, it was frightening to see how close the craters left by the munitions came to outlying buildings and barracks.

He was pulled from his flashback by someone calling his name…

"You Ben Solo?" A man with light hair and light eyes asked.

Ben nodded, looking to the sedan that was parked at the curb with an Uber sticker in the rear window.

"I'm Marc and I'll be your driver this evening. This all you got?" The man pointed down to Ben's one bag, offering to take it to the car.

Nodding again, Ben stood, putting his luggage in Marc's outstretched hand. "Mind if I ride in the front? I'm usually too tall for backseats."

"No problem, man." Marc walked to the passenger's side of the car and held the door open for his fare, before moving to put the carry-on in the backseat on the same side.

The wipers of the car were going at full pace, the storm showed no indication of letting up. Thankfully the loading area of the airport was covered and Marc slid into the driver's seat without having to get drenched. "Where to?"

Ben pulled the now wrinkled envelope out of his back pocket, "Edgewater Drive…" he said holding the paper out for Marc to type the full address into his phone's navigation app.

"It's about a fifteen minute drive but it will take longer because of this rain."

"Does it always come down like this?" Ben asked as they pulled away from the curb and the roof of the car started to get the full brunt of the storm.

"Just about every day from May to the end of September…" the driver said with a laughing tone. "Hope you brought a rain jacket."

He just hummed to himself, knowing for sure that he did not pack for rain. Trying to get a feel for the city he would be hopefully spending the next week in, Ben looked out of the passenger's window, but only saw darkened woods on either side of him.

"So Mr. Solo, where are you from?"

"Originally Indiana, but I live in New York now."

"And what brings you to our Twin Cities?"

Ben smiled, "A girl actually."

Marc didn't take his eyes off the road, but his lips turned up as well, smile lines folding by his eyes. "Couldn't think of a better reason myself."

The landscape shifted as they turned left on to a four lane road. This area was more developed, with strip malls and shops lining either side of the street. Everything was dark and closed due to the late hour, but at least they weren't headed further out into the sticks.

They turned left again, but this time into a residential area. About ten or so homes down Ben saw the three golden number on a brick mailbox shine in the headlights of the car. "Here we are," Marc commented.

Ben couldn't see the home from the street, just a twisting black asphalt driveway that was carved into a heavily wooded lot. "You can't get me any closer?"

"I wouldn't be able to back out of there in this weather… visibility isn't good." He reached into the back seat and pulled the carry-on between the front seats, setting it in the lap of his fare. "Hope everything works out with you and your girl."

Taking one more glance down the dark driveway and listening to the still pelting rain, Ben drew in a breath, "Me too…" Before he opened the passenger door and quickly ducked out of the car.

He stood there at the mouth of the driveway for just a moment, heard the car behind him shift into gear and slowly take off back down he road. There was no point in rushing towards the home, in the five seconds that it took him to exit the vehicle he was already soaked through.

So with another breath, he started the trek down the slippery driveway towards Rey's parent's home. Coming around a grouping of trees he was able to see the brick home with a illuminated and welcoming entrance. A two bay garage was set into the front facade and the home towered up two, maybe three stories.

Standing on the porch, he was finally out of the rain and his dark hair was slicked flat and sticking to his forehead and cheeks. His dark blue shirt clung to him like a second skin and he shivered, perhaps with the cool night air or in anticipation.

Shifting his bag in his hand and rolling his shoulders, he reached for the lighted button that was set into a brown intercom box just off to the left of the double front doors. Looking down at his watch he cursed…it was almost midnight when he rang the bell.

Every window in the house was dark as he rocked on his feet, knowing that he was waking someone up to come answer the door. In his rush to get to Rey, he almost forgotten that her father was ill and guilt washed over him at the thought that he was waking a dying man from a good slumber.

A dog barked from behind the door and he heard an accented female voice telling the animal to hush. Moments later a clicking sound came from the intercom box. "Can I help you?" Came a voice he knew was not Rey's.

Ben shifted again and pushed his hair back from his face, not knowing if he needed to lean closer to the box so she could hear him, but he did so anyways. "Uh…I'm sorry to be bothering you so late…and I'm not sure if you remember me…" He really hoped he had the right house otherwise he might be spending another night in jail. All he needed right now was to have to call Hux to get him out of another jam.

"But I'm Ben…Ben Solo…Leia and Han's son." It pained him to have to admit to his parentage.

The intercom clicked off and he felt dejected, but then he heard the deadbolt turn and the door cracked open, "Little Benny Solo?"

He hated his childhood name, especially now standing at six foot two, one hundred and eighty five pounds of muscle, he didn't feel that it applied, but it got Mrs. Kenboi to open the door.

"Yes ma'am," he said respectfully, now wishing he had brought an umbrella and didn't look like a half drown rat.

"We weren't expecting you or your family until the end of the week…" Millie opened the door wider, ushering the young man into the home and out of the rain that had started coming in sideways.

"My family?" Ben asked in confusion. He made no contact with his mother since leaving the cabin the day after his anniversary.

Millie now stepped back from him almost defensively. "Your father didn't tell you to come?"

His confusion set deeper into this brows. "No…I haven't talked to my father in years," Ben confessed.

"Why are you here Benny?"

"It's Ben…just Ben now Mrs. Kenobi…but that's not important right now," he was starting to ramble again. So he took in a deep calming breath and continued, "I'm here for Rey."

The elderly woman studied him, her expression unreadable.

"Is she home?" Ben asked, his eyes pleading and his tone hopeful and desperate at the same time.

"It's you…" Millie smiled for just a moment and then her gaze narrowed at him. "You are Ben…Rey's Ben from New York," the pieces fell into place.

 _Rey's Ben_ …the title drifted through his mind and yes…he truly was Rey's, but when he came back out of his musings he saw that the small British woman standing in front of him wasn't pleased.

"You broke my girl's heart," she accused and was pleased to see him look ashamed of himself. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick your ass right back out in the rain where you belong?"

Something about this woman was very familiar and Ben had just the slightest flash of a memory. He was young, maybe even too young to have a memory of the interaction at all, but the same curt English accent was chastising him for playing too close to the fireplace. His big brown eyes are brimmed with tears and the words, ' _I sorwee_ ' came from his pink lips.

Standing in front of her again now, he felt about as tall as a toddler and his bottom lip almost stuck out in a pout. "I told her something I didn't mean and I know I hurt her…I lied to your daughter and that lie has been eating away at me for the past month." He chewed on his lips for a moment and his shoulders slumped, "I'm being torn apart and I just needed her to know the truth."

Millie paused for a moment, taking in the pain set into his dark eyes and his strong form that appeared to want to fold in on itself, before she spoke again, "And that truth is…" She let the question hang in the air.

Ben shifted on his feet, "That I…" he swallowed thickly. "The truth is that I…" How did his mouth become so damn dry all of a sudden?

Putting the boy out of his misery, Millie held up her hand, getting the gist of what he was trying to say. She almost wanted to chuckle when she saw his body relax as she released him from his obligation for explication. "Rey isn't home right now. She had to go out of town for a few days…"

"Back to New York?" Ben interrupted, thinking that he would hate himself if she went back up there searching for him while he was down here seeking her out.

"No," Millie answered shortly. "But she will be back in the morning and she can decide if she want to see you or not."

Ben could only nod, figuring that Rey would have told her mother about all the awful things he said and done to her. Thinking back, he was surprised that Mrs. Kenobi wasn't insisting on him sleeping on the front porch just for good measure.

"There is a guest room up stairs." She looked him up and down, "There is also a laundry room up there if you want to take care of your wet things and there are extra towels and linens in the closet down the hall."

"Thank you," Ben breathed out, not sure if he was thanking her for the hospitality or for giving him a chance to see Rey, but agreed that both were beyond his comprehension.

* * *

**AN: A little more filler in this chapter but we got Ben to Florida!! I love all of your little notes and comments. They make my heart happy, so keep them coming!**

**HUGE fucking shout out to JRB for leaving me a note on each chapter!**

**Chapter Title Song: A guy on YouTube called Lucas King has one hour tracks of orchestra Star Wars music and The Jedi Symphony got me through this chapter. There is a piece called Kylo's Conflict and it gave me all the feels.**

**Or Clean Bandit - Symphony**  

 

 


	29. Lonely Together

**Lonely Together**

Rey waved to her friends from inside the truck. It was fun to catch up with some of her old classmate, but being after midnight and having an over two hour drive home made her almost want to get another hotel for the night. But she wanted to get back to her parents, having already spent forty-eight hours away from her father.

She might be acting a little ridiculous, but she wanted to pack as much time in with her dad as she could, much to his annoyance as he said that she was getting more underfoot than Ryder. Rey also knew that there were many parts of her life that he wouldn't be around for, and she just wished that this was all a bad dream and she would wake up to a very different life.

A life where she would bring Ben home to meet her parents. Her mother would gush over how charming Solo men are and her father would regale him with old war stories. Ben would listen intently, but also steal glances to her from a cross the room. Both of them impossibly happy in the moment.

Her father would be there to walk her down the isle to a tall man with dark hair and darker eyes who loved her more than his living breath. Millie would scream and Obi would cry when they were told in a creative and Facebook worthy way that they would be grandparents. Her father would be there holding his granddaughter at her christening.

They would have Christmas every year at the growing Solo family home, both Rey and Ben agreeing that being an only child would not do. So they would make as many babies as the good Lord gave them, or at least please and exhaust each other trying.

Rey shook her head and scrubbed at her face as she eased the truck onto the interstate, pushing it up to speed and setting the cruse control. Rolling down the windows and turning up the music she was determined to make it home before three in the morning.

With her thoughts working back to her father, Rey was thankful for the use of his truck, but wished it for reasons other than he was too weak up get up in it, or it was not unsafe for him to drive. He had been so proud of this damn truck, having just bought it last fall with the intent to spend more time out at their property on the north end of the county and trying his hand at lumberjack or farmer…which ever one struck him at the time.

The 2018 Toyota Tundra crewcab was very comfortable and drove like a dream even if the gas milage was shit. It was in the color Quicksand, which reminded Rey of the color of her father's boots when he wasn't in his dress uniform, that desert tan color that military bought in bulk to paint most of their vehicles.

When she drove off it in the day prior, Rey thought she saw a tear in her father's eye, watching his baby…the truck that is…pull away without him. This brought a smile to Rey's lips and she decided for the rest of the drive to just focus on the music and attempt to have a few hours of carefree bliss before having to face the reality of her father's illness once more in the morning.

The home was dark when she came round the driveway, turning off the head lights and just relying on the running lights to guide her. The rain had stopped about half way from the interstate to her home, which she was thankful because navigating a dark two lane road in the rain could spell disaster.

Instead of waking the whole house by opening the garage and making Ryder bark, she parked in the driveway and walked around the side of the house, using her own back entrance on the lower most floor of the home.

Being too exhausted, Rey just washed her face, brushed her teeth, and slid into an over size tee-shirt and some small pajama shorts. Her bed was too inviting and she was asleep the moment her head hit the pillow.

The next morning she woke to the clanking of dishes from up stairs. Groaning she rolled over in her bed and stretched, taking in a deep breath, the smell of coffee and bacon gave her the strength to get out of bed at…she looked at her phone and groaned again…seven in the morning.

She made a quick detour to the bathroom pulling her sleep rumpled hair up into a high ponytail. The only motivation for her feet to move one in front of the other was the promise of a large cup of coffee and her mother's breakfast.

"See I told you," Millie's voice filtered down the stairs. "All I had to do was brew a new pot to get her up."

Rey smiled at her mother's joking tone, hoping that her father was having a good day today. An almost buzzing excitement had descended upon the house and it set a wire alive within Rey and she smiled even bigger.

At the top of the stairs, she stopped, stretching her arms up above her head and she felt her shirt rise up just to the top of her thighs, trying to get the rest of the stiffness from the drive home out of her muscles. "The bacon helps too," Rey said with her body still pulled tight, eyes closed, and a smile still on her lips.

But her face fell as she brought her attention across the open living room and stared into the eating area just off the kitchen. Her heart fell into her stomach and her eyes went large. Her body felt hot and chilled at the same time and goosebumps overtook her arms, causing her to physically shiver.

Ben was sitting next to her father, a cup of coffee floated half way between the table and his lips. He wore a deep gray V-neck shirt and his expression was trapped between awe, guilt, agony, and shame.

He heard her start to stir on the lower level and Millie had made a remark about Rey and coffee. Ben smiled at the joke but couldn't be bothered to pay attention, his was a bundle of nerves, his palms started to sweat and his hands almost shook under the weight of a ceramic mug. When he finally saw her crest the stairs he lost the ability to breathe.

Her hair was pulled up but messy and he remembered how she looked after he throughly satisfied her. Her face was still full of sleep and he wished to see that every morning for the rest of his life. But what truly arrested him was the fact that she was wearing his gray Marines PT shirt…the one he left at her apartment on the night that he walked away from her.

His heart broke and raced at the same time, the bipolar effect that her presences had on him was enough to drive him insane.

Rey made quick glances to her father who was folding his newspaper like any other day and then she looked at her mother, who held a guilty expression. _She knows_ , her's brain hissed to itself.

"Good morning, Peanut," Obi called cheerfully. "Come and meet an old friend of the family."

The instinct to run back down the stairs and hide in her room flashed through her mind for just a moment, but it appeared that her father had no clue of the true relationship between his daughter and the 'old family friend'. It also seemed that Ben's visit had breathed some life into her father, as he sat up straight in his chair and even polished off most of his breakfast. She would take small miracles.

Not wanting to upset her father, Rey moved across the living room and Ben stood with a scuffing of chair legs on tile as she rounded the kitchen's island. He wiped his hand twice on his jeans before holding it out over the table, looking at her as if to say 'I'm sorry' and 'I can explain'. Her slight narrow glare answered back with a firm, 'You fucking better'.

With the table between them, Rey put her hand in his. The moment their skin met she sucked in a breath of surprise and Ben visibly relaxed, his body almost swayed as if it could melt to the floor just with a simple touch.

Millie cleared her throat from the kitchen, attempting to snap the young people out of their daze.

Giving an uneasy cough, Ben pumped his hand twice in a polite greeting, "I'm Ben," and a soft smile turned the corner of his full lips.

"Rey," she breathed, pupils blown as they wandered over his face. Her body felt warm and light and she hated him and herself for it.

Ben's gaze flickered down for just a fraction of a second as he watched her nipples pebble under the thin cotton of the shirt she had commandeered from him. He wanted to smirk at the thought that just a simple handshake between them could do that to her, but he also didn't want to get slapped across the breakfast table. So he settled for a, "It's a pleasure to meet you. Your father has been telling me about your many accomplishments."

"I'm sure he has," Rey finally snatched her hand back and spoke the words between gritted teeth. She sat down in her usual spot to her father right and her mother set a plate of bacon, eggs, toast, and fruit down in front of her.

"Ben also lives in New York," Obi said as Millie placed a cup of pills and a cup of juice down on the table. "What a coincidence, huh? Maybe you two should hook up sometime when you go home." He reached over and patted the back of his daughter's hand.

Rey almost choked on the sip of coffee that she'd taken when hearing her father's words. Ben was trying to hide a smile as he rubbed his hand across his mustache and her mother wasn't even trying to be discrete and flat out laughed from the kitchen.

"I'd like that," Ben said, still hiding his face behind his large hand.

She did not like that they were having such a good time at her expense, so with one last narrow eyed glare to the beautiful but absolute infuriating man across from her, she softened her expression and turned back to her father, "Remember daddy, we talked about this. I'm not going back to New York. I'm staying down here with you and mom."

Millie, ever good with her timing, sat down at the table with her own cup of coffee and decided to help her daughter out and change the subject, "How did your trip go?"

Rey turned to her mother and smiled, "I passed."

"I knew you would." Millie answered lovingly.

"Passed what?" Ben asked, perhaps feeling a familiarity that was not the norm for someone who hadn't been around the Kenobi's for the past twenty-six years.

"My Florida Bar Exam," Rey answered cooly. "So I can practice law down here."

Ben's heart sank even more in that moment. What Rose told him was true. Rey was giving up her life in New York and part of that might as well be him. She no longer had a home or a job in the city and it seemed that she was trying to rebuilt in her home town. He looked down into his lap, feeling more and more that perhaps it was a mistake for him to come.

"Such a smart girl," Obi cooed as he patted Rey's hand again.

The group at the table was quite for a moment, Rey was doing everything in her power to not look at the man sitting across from her. Ben sipped at his coffee and went to look over his shoulder at the view out of the back of the house when Obi's voice pulled his attention back.

"So what are you kids planning to do today?"

Rey coughed again and wiped her bottom lip. "I was just going to hang around…"

"Why don't you take Ben sight seeing?" Obi interjected. "The Falcon hasn't been started in a while and it could use some miles being put on it."

Swallowing thickly, Rey saw the lightness in her father's eyes, the hopefulness in his expression and she didn't dare deny him. "Make sure to wear jeans and boots," she said to Ben curtly, briefly remembering him making the same request of her before they had take his TIE out.

That time seemed worlds away. That was the weekend that they decided to give their relationship a real try. That was the time when he completely opened up to her, where they had showed their scars, and not only the ones skin deep. Rey heart clenched thinking about that weekend, where Jessa barreled her way into their bliss and started the short but painful road that was the end of them.

Afraid that if she spoke again she would start to cry, Rey just stood from the table and put her dishes in the skin before making her way back down to her room to get ready to entertain the man who broke her heart. If it hadn't been for her father, and also her deep desire to know why Ben came all this way, she would have slapped him across the face and sent him packing.

Standing in front of her bathroom mirror, she let out a steady breath and blinked away the unshed tears before starting the shower.

Back up in the kitchen Obi finished his juice and turned to Ben, "Better do what she says son. My Rey runs a tight ship."

Nodding with a tight lipped smile, Ben went back up to his room on the upper level of the home and checked to see if his brown leather boots were dry from last night's down pour.

As he dressed, Ben tried to comprehend everything that just happened. Everything that Rey did, every reaction she had, was nothing in the scope of what he expected. She passed the Bar Exam and intended to start practicing law in Florida. She wasn't coming back, she never had plans to come back. But she was wearing his shirt…it had to be his, but what did that mean? He also wanted to kiss Obi for suggesting that Ben and Rey get some alone time out of the home, but it also pained him to see how uncomfortable Rey was with the whole idea.

As he walked back down to the main level, he tried to process why no one told Obi about Ben's relationship with Rey. Millie seemed to be up on everything that happened, and while he was thankful that Rey had such a closeness with her mother, the looks that Ben received at the breakfast table were less than stellar.

When he reached the living room Obi was now seated in a overstuffed leather recliner and watching golf on a very large television. The elder man pointed to the other set of stairs, offhandedly spouting off where Rey's room was.

Ben trudged down the stairs, hoping to create as much noise as he could and make his advancement into Rey's space known to her. Taking Obi's direction, he crossed the small living area and entered the hall at the far end of the lower level. Coming to an open door, he peeked in and then knocked on the casing.

Rey's back was to him and she was wearing dark khaki, anti-rip cargo pants that were tucked into a pair of desert tan military style boots. An olive green skin hugging tank top was tucked into her pants and he couldn't help but take in the form of her slim waist. "Your father says we should get going to avoid the afternoon storms…." His voice died off as she turned towards him, slipping a compact pistol into a built in compartment in her top, just under her bust line. He didn't know whether to be scared or turned on.

Securing the break-away tab that held her firearm in place, Rey grabbed the light blue sweat wicking button up shirt off her bed and swung it around her shoulders, "I'll be right up," Rey said not meeting his eyes.

If Ben thought that lawyer Rey in her silks and stilettos, or laid back Rey in skinny jeans and Chucks were sexy, tactical Rey was something else entirely to behold. He never messed around with anyone while he was in the Marines, not that he didn't find any of his female counterparts attractive, but he had remained faithful to Jessa, regardless of any fantasies that got him through training and deployments. But if Rey had been part of his unit, there would have been no commitment and no fraternization rules that would have kept him from pressuring her.

After an awkward amount of time lingering in her doorway, Ben nodded and turned from her room, making his way back up to the main level of the home. Mrs. Kenobi was in the kitchen putting the rest of the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher and she called out to him.

"Ben…a moment please."

He felt like a man on death row, knowing that this small woman could either end or prolong his suffering where her daughter was concerns. "Yes ma'am," he answered the only way that would be appropriate. He walked to the island that separated the kitchen from the living room and sat down on the stool that she was pointing to.

"You and my daughter have a history and I only know what she has shared with me, but when Rey first got here from New York she was miserable. It was like flashing back all those years to when she first came to us." The boy she knew long ago had grown into a man, a man that had captured and then damaged her daughter's heart.

"I needed to tell her something that would make her hate me…forget me," Ben offered.

"Well jolly well done, you idiot."

He wasn't sure if he should look even more ashamed or laugh along with her at how much he truly was an idiot. But they both heard Rey come up the stairs and pull a set of keys off a hook by the door leading out to the garage.

"Ready?"

It appeared that she was attempting to say as few words to him as possible and he would take it over the straight contempt he felt over the breakfast table. "Yes ma'am," he answered without pause.

"He's a quick learner," Obi laugh from the living room.

They left out the front door as Rey's truck was still parked in the driveway. Ben let out a little snort as he watched her practically have to climb up into the driver seat. "Is there a problem?" Rey asked as Ben easily got in the passengers side.

"No…no…" he said still trying to suppress a laugh. "It's just the boots…the gun…the truck…you really are from the south."

She narrowed her eyes at him and he quickly back stepped, "Not that there is anything wrong with…this…" he waved his hand towards her body. "It's actually kind of hot."

Rey rolled her eyes and scoffed before starting the truck, not even wanting to warrant him a reply. Exiting their driveway, she wove through the neighborhood, with its old oaks that canopied the roads and the larger than normal lots with home built in the 1960s when the local Air Force base was at its height of operation.

They only drove for about five minutes before she veered off the paved street and onto a road that consisted of two well worn clay ruts. The land around the narrow road was completely wooded and untouched by recent development.

"Uh…Rey…" Ben's voice was uneasy as he noticed that they had somehow gone from the upper scale neighborhood to an area he feared he would hear the banjos that Hux had warned him about. "About that gun…" they continued down the narrow wooded road. "I know that I fucked up and I'm really sorry for hurting you, but uh…people know that I'm down here…your parents know that I'm with you…"

Confused by his rambling, Rey turned to him as the truck continued to jostle down the dirt road, "What the hell are you talking about Ben?"

His wide eyes went from their surrounding back to her, "You're not driving me out into the middle of nowhere to kill me are you?"

Now it was Rey turn to laugh, a full belly laugh that made her grip the steering wheel and gasp for breath. Her eyes watered and she even slapped her knee, "Oh!" She cried. "That's the best shit I've heard in a while."

Ben's expression was relieved but also sour with being made fun of and this just made Rey laugh further. "Then where are we going if not out to some remote site that no one can hear me scream?"

Just then the trees broke and Rey just pointed out the windshield still with a shit-eating grin on her face. "To get the Falcon."

A knowing look came over his face and he wanted to sulk for a moment, even though he couldn't be entirely sullen, he had broken the tension and made her laugh. Perhaps the day wasn't going to be a complete disaster.

* * *

**AN: Thank to everyone who let me take some time to get another story idea out of my head. I started a little dribble called The Unspoken Betrayal...and if you went to check it out I would be forever thankful.**

**I am going to finish up that other story in the upcoming week and hope to go back to FOoB full time. Ben and Rey have their big talk next and I have a feeling it will take a lot out me to write it. Pray for me. :)**

**As always I love to hear your thoughts. I have the most lovely set of readers.**

**Chapter Title Song: Avicii - Lonely Together**

 

 

 


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